Twink does the only thing he can do–he goes through the open door on his right and enters a circular multi-story room. When he reaches the center of the room Twink hears Makar’s shrill cry: “Twink! I’m over here!” Those Floor Masturbator fucks have imprisoned Makar only a few yards away, in a cage blocked by a large stone head. Makar explains, “The stone that blocks the entrance seems extremely heavy. The only way you could move it, Twink, is if you were to become as heavy as the Great [Dicku] Tree himself.” He then whines that he wishes the Dicku Tree were here now. Twink tries not to take it all personally, since his little bosom buddy is under a lot of duress and probably doesn’t mean to insult his masculinity or heaviness or whatever it is Makar’s talking about. More to the point, the heaviness isn’t really the deciding factor–Twink could use the Iron Boots but he needs another item to actually move the head. So as long as you’re slurping your beloved Dicku Tree, kid, you may as well be accurate with your exposition. That’s not asking for too much, is it?

The long and short of this is that Twink is just gonna have to go without Makar’s gentle company until he finds the special Wind Temple Swag. So Twink finds the only other open door on this floor, guarded by two Armhos Knights. Once he’s satisfied their craving for blue ‘splodey balls it’s on to the next room.

This one’s kind of a doozy. Right off the bat Twink has to deal with two irritating Peahats. Simple enough, but he’s kind of stressed out without Makar to soothe his worries away, if you follow, and squawking, noisy Peahats aren’t helping. Then he must get past another blade trap to reach the edge of the platform, bookended by two square holes, one of which has a cracked bit of dirt filling it in. Across the way is another one of those movable walls, but as of right now there is no way to move it and have it bridge the gap to the other side of the room. To proceed, Twink must hop down to the lower level, through the dirt-covered hole. Getting through the hole means, yes, wearing his ugmo boots again. Sigh. Even better, Twink is greeted on the lower level by a Floor Masturbator. And of course, my action game-impaired mind can’t adjust to the relatively simple concept of removing the Iron Boots, taking out the ice arrows and the Hammer of Recapper Revenge and using them. So instead Twink ends up still in his metal boots, flinging fire arrows at it and swinging the Hammer at patches of empty floor. Cut me a little slack–at this point I’d been playing for three or so hours and it was very late at night and I was all out of Diet Pepsi.

After the Floor Masturbator has grabbed Twink by the short and curlies and flung him out of the room a couple times, I finally get a grip on myself and kill the fucking thing. The wall goes up upon activation of the weather vane, revealing another alcove here on the lower level, containing another Floor Masturbator. According to the Prima Chart there’s nothing to be gained from going over there to kill it, so I think I’ll just leave it in peace. As much as I’d like to exterminate their entire species, fighting them generally makes be break out in stress hives.

Twink returns topside and runs across the now-horizontal wall, nabbing a Joy Pendant along the way. The other side of the room is in essence a mirror of the first side–blade trap, Peahats–except for a large stone tablet with the Wind God’s Aria where the door should be. Boy, Makar is totally not holding up his end of The Power of Teamwork. And hasn’t the little squirt already been abducted by monsters once in this game? He’s pushing Mary Sue limits, here.

Through a side door, Twink finds himself in another large, multi-leveled room. And not even a map or Comp-Ass yet. This is getting confusing. Twink stares across the gap toward a–for lack of a better term–chain-link fence in the middle of the room, with a large whirlwind in front of it, spinning out of a grate in the floor. Seeing that there are multitudes of magic decanters in the choppin’ grass on this side, I make the brilliant deduction that Twink will have to use the Dicku Shit to sail to that switch over there, hit it, and cross through the new opening in that fence. How do I do it?

Of course, as soon as the switch is thrown a Jizzrobe appears with the express purpose of trying to knock Twink out of the air with fireballs. But a couple arrows send that bitch screaming into orgasm oblivion, and Twink is on his way again. Another airborne excursion nets Twink the map, and then he must float for what feels like fifteen minutes and deal with another asshat Jizzrobe to get to the next area. To stave off the tedium he thinks of the things he’ll be asking Makar to do to return the favor for rescuing him.

Once he’s out of this ginormous room, Twink emerges into the first ginormous room, where Makar is, but one level up. Stepping on the switch here with his Iron Boots opens the floor to reveal several stories below. And I thought this place was an overwhelming pain in the ass before. Twink drops all the way to the bottom floor, kills some more pissant Peahats and heads through the south door.

Another multi-level room! I’m just gibbering from the thrill of it all. Five more dirt-packed square holes are lined up in a row before Twink’s mincing toes. And on a raised platform at the other end of the room, a blanket of long, pointy spikes pump up and down in a rhythmic, positively masturbatory frenzy, like there’s a big-screen TV on the ceiling playing that scene from Troy where Brad Pitt gets naked. Either this is the Wind Temple’s emergency supply of vibrators, or Floor Masturbators can turn invisible and they’re all in here right now.

The Prima Strategy Chart helpfully clues me in on what to do in this room: dropping to the level below, through any one of the dirt clods save the second from the right, will trigger a fight with a specific group of monsters. They all sound just lovely, and even though I can just pick one and be done with it, a totally-worth-it Treasure Chart is in the cards for Twink if he can kill all four groups. With the knowledge that I’m a completionist loser and I won’t rest until that dungeon map is clean of any little treasure markers, Twink chooses to drop down the middle hole and fight two Floor Masturbators. Might as well get the worst out of the way.

Around this lower level where the monsters are, there are more clusters of the eager, pumping spikes. Right next to the Floor Masturbators. Yeah. The other monsters in the room remain dormant as Twink pushes a springboard block around to create a way to get back to the top level, where he finds a small key in a chest behind the spikes. Sadly, opening this chest shuts off the spikes. I guess small keys are really unattractive or something. ‘Cause they’re so tiny. Twink drops back down into the pit three more times to fight some Armhos and red and green ChuChus to get the absolutely necessary Treasure Chart. I hope Makar appreciates the effort Twink is making to rescue him as soon as possible.

Back to the 8000000-story room and across the floor to the locked door on the north side. The door bars shut behind our hero, indicating that some kind of “boss” fight is coming. Twink takes one step closer to the center of the room before we get our big clue as to the approaching monster–the annoying-ass piercing shrieks of a Jizzrobe. But, as the Prima Chart warns me, this is no ordinary Jizzrobe. Oh no, this one can summon other monsters–not only Moblins and Dicknuts, which it does summon with irritating frequency, but other Jizzrobes, which can in turn summon monsters themselves. It’s a goddamn pyramid scheme.

It’s a given that for this to not go on forever, Twink needs to concentrate on killing the first Jizzrobe. Unfortunately, this is slightly difficult when the Jizzrobe is tougher than most, disappears more quickly than most, and Twink is being brutally violated by a three Dicknuts and God knows how many Kargaroc Princesses, Moblins and Peahats while he’s trying to fire an arrow.

When the monster gangrape has been halted once and for all, a sexy scarlet treasure chest materializes in the middle of the chamber. And seeing that there’s a big target on the wall over there…I think it’ll be a bunch of arrows!

Of course, the prize is the Hookshot. “It extends! It retracts! It latches onto things! What a cool invention!” squees the Disembodied Item Describer, cooing as it takes in the Hookshot’s dildo-like dimensions. I will obviously be calling it the Moneyshot. Do I even have a choice in the matter? I assure you that even if I did, I would still be calling it the Moneyshot.

As I just said, there is a target for moneyshotting positioned above a raised platform opposite the door. Twink zings up there, slams down a switch with the Hammer of Recapper Revenge to unbar the doors and hurries off to rescue his leafy butt buddy. I wonder if this new item will figure at all into that operation!

Sure enough, back in the big-ass cylindrical room I suddenly notice a whole lot of Moneyshot targets ranging all the way up to the floor Makar is on. Twink makes it up about halfway and floats across the room with the Dicku Shit to grab the Comp-Ass from a small alcove. It seems like I’ve gone an unusually long time without the Comp-Ass. Twink was having withdrawals. But he only takes a moment or two to shed tears of relief before continuing up to Makar’s prison. Which has no showers in it. What gives? Makar, unsolicited, tells Twink again that he needs to eat some hot dogs or something to be heavy enough to move that large stone head. Does he think Twink is anorexic?

Twink ignores Makar’s pining for the Dicku Tree and puts on his Iron Boots for the fiftieth time. Pulling out the Moneyshot, he fires it at the target on the forehead of the stone. This pulls the stone down and reveals the cell door. I know those boots are blocky and heavy, but I don’t think they would make Ana!Twink heavier than that giant hunk of granite. Really, now. All this is going to do is make Twink freak out that he’s fat and revise his target weight to 35 pounds.

Twink grabs Makar (and a Joy Pendant from a chest in Makar’s cell) and surveys the room to figure out his next move. Yeah, right–I read the strategy guide and find out exactly where I need to go. I’m getting too old and my brain is getting too mushy to reason out videogames on my own. I’ll leave that to you young’uns and your shiny PSPs, thanks. Anyway, Twink and Makar return, via leaf-propeller and Moneyshot, to the room where Makar was kidnapped in the first place. Seems like a bad place to go right after you went to the trouble of rescuing the little ingrate, but Prima knows best, I guess.

As soon as the two of them enter the room, Makar burbles at our hero, “Twink, I think that the [Moneyshot] you have can probably latch onto the trees I planted. Give it a try!” Way to state the obvious Makar. On the other hand, hitting a phallic object with another phallic object? It’s like penis fencing! Sign Twink up!

Twink first protects his little pal from some flaming bats, flamer skulls and a horny Jizzrobe that tries to molest him, and then follows Makar’s advice and moneyshots through the room, one hardwood tree at a time. Kinky. Makar follows along and Twink carries him to the next room like honeymooners entering their hotel suite.

I just noticed that Makar wags his little stump-tail when Twink carries him. Aww!

This next room is very much like the last one–lots of platforms for tree-planting and enemies (more flamer skulls) Twink must clear out before Makar can do his thing. Maybe it’s just me, but this dungeon seems to be a lot less about cooperation and a lot more about rescuing or otherwise protecting Makar. Weird that Makar is more of a damsel in distress than Medli was. But I suppose it’s all too appropriate for this game.

The next door takes us back to another level of the cylinder room. Honestly, it’s getting a little old to go through several different rooms just to go up one floor in the room you started in. When Twink and Makar each step on a switch on this level, the grate floor on the bottom level opens up to reveal a giant fan. I guess this dungeon doesn’t have central air, then?

Twink takes control of Makar and sends the little bugger freefalling to the very bottom of the room. Makar carefully walks across the openings in the floor to reach an alcove with two patches of soil ripe for housing trees. The wooden erections start up the fan for some reason, creating a huge whirlwind going all the way up the chamber. And the Wind Temple has gone from suck to blow.