In the last recap of Legend of Zelda: Fuck Hyrule, Twink found out that the negative impact of Ganondorf’s rise to power was wildly overstated. His life still sucks, of course, but not as much as it did in the past. That means that naturally, Twink is forced to travel through time back to the past in order to complete the game’s ultimate goal: saving Hyrule. Notice that I did not say that this is Twink’s goal. The entire kingdom can drown in a flood from the gods for all he cares.
Some other stuff happened, like the plant dungeon and Twink finding out he’s not a Cockiri (SHOCK!), but I’m not going to recap Sam’s entire recap. Stop being a lazy piece of shit and go read it if you don’t remember. Cripes, I can’t do everything around here.
When Sam left off, Twink was in the Temple of Time right after he traveled back to the not-so-happy days of his childhood. She already covered the basic issues with this painful violation of the space-time continuum, but rest assured that I will have plenty more opportunities to point out how stupid it all is. Although Twink wants nothing more than to grab the Masturbator Sword and make his penis big again, he has some unfinished business in the past. It’s his own fault for advancing the storyline before finishing up some of this boring optional crap.
Twink is felled by a sudden Lens Flare attack!
His first stop is the path to Hyrule Castle. This means he has to pass through the market, which, thanks to the magic of time travel, is once again full of rude assholes of the living variety. Since this whole place is already destined for destruction, Twink wonders if he can speed the process along, preferably with some type of magical flamethrower. For now, he continues down the castle path, stopping at the lone tree that once held Blathers. Twink shudders at the memory, then realizes that he never encountered — or would that be encounters? — Blathers in the future. Does this mean Blathers was one of Ganondorf’s seemingly few casualties? This is even more proof that Ganondorf is a way better ruler than Dipshit Daphnes.
Twink lifts a rock for no real reason, only to find several bugs skittering around underneath it. This is gross, but still magnitudes better than spiders. The bugs are only the size of Twink’s hand, after all — practically microscopic in comparison! Plus, they have fabulous shiny teal shells. Twink captures some of these bugs in a jar, hoping to find some way to incorporate them into his home decor.
Continuing along the path and sneaking past the same oblivious guards, Twink finds a dead end that he never noticed before, probably due to all the distracting encounters with various stalkers in this area. A very helpful sign reads “Dead End.” Twink’s Hyrulian tax dollars at work. The dead end contains a large, brown, bombable rock that looks like a giant piece of rabbit shit. Twink destroys the rock with a bomb, then crawls into the tiny opening that was hidden behind it.
Once inside, Twink realizes why someone plugged the hole and put up a warning sign. No, he doesn’t find himself in a church with all four of his underage ladies dressed in wedding gowns. It’s almost as bad though — another Great Fairy’s Fountain. Twink is once again offended at the perversion of the term “fairy” as if Naggy hadn’t already completely ruined it for everyone.
Against his will, Twink play’s Zelda’s Lullaby on the Cockarina and summons the Great Fairy. I’m going to save us all some time and just provide a link to the last time Twink was assaulted by one of these ladies(?). This encounter goes pretty much the exact same way, except that since this is the Great Fairy of Magic, she gives Twink — wait for it — a magic spell. Namely, a fantastic ability called Din’s Fire. As Twink triumphantly holds up a crystal with a red orb in the center, the Disembodied Item Describer gushes, “You got Din’s Fire! Its fireball engulfs everything!” Damn right it does. Now Twink has something he can use to torch Hyrule Town. Fuck yeah.
SWEET
For now, I have other plans for Twink. I’m feeling like a total jerk already. His next destination is Zora’s River, which seems like it’s halfway across Hyrule field due to Twink’s lack of a horse. Seriously, now that he has had that short but sweet taste of speed, going back to his shitty horseless life is even more depressing. I force Twink to revisit the half-naked bean muncher near the river. I explained previously how this guy totally scams Twink while continuing to shovel these supposedly rare and precious beans into his massive face, so I won’t force you to read through that again. Now that Twink is swimming in cash, he can afford the rest of the wildly overpriced beans. Just to make this more of a hassle for Twink and especially for me, I have to scroll through Bean Guy’s changing spiel and bean-planting instructions every fucking time Twink makes a purchase. Twink is more than ready to suffocate this pasty asshole using his own bean sack by the end of all this. And to make matters worse, he only has 95 measly rupees left. Where are all those purple rupees when he actually needs them?
Since Twink already planted a single bean in the plot next to the douchebag, that means he has nine more bean plots to find. There are at least a couple that are not accessible to him at this point in the game, and the rest are scattered all over the fucking kingdom, but hey, it’s Twink’s feet that will get the blisters, not mine. It’s beans-ness time! One thing I forgot to mention in my last recap is what the bean plots look like. Basically, each one is a light-colored square on the ground, with a dark dot in the center representing the bean hole, and now I have a new name for these things. I’m not sure who went around prepping these ten magic bean holes around Hyrule — as we’ll find out later, their locations are all very strategic. Is Bean Guy some kind of helpful wizard in disguise? Is this some kind of wily plan by Ganondorf Glamour, Inc., so that Twink will be better equipped for the various GGI dungeons created especially for him? Either way, somebody put a lot of work into this.
Twink isn’t eager to head back to his childhood home, where his stalker Saria is no longer trapped in the Forest Temple or Rauru’s Molestation Station. Still, that’s the first location on the list of bean holes I’m consulting, and he has no choice in the matter. The hole is located behind the item shop, and before Twink can plant his seed in the earth, he has one more task to complete — something gross and awful that I have not bothered to mention until now. When Twink pours out his jar of shiny teal bugs on the ground, they, like Twink, eagerly head toward the first small, dark hole they can find. A short time after one of them wriggles into the tight opening, a musical motif indicates that Twink solved a brain-bending puzzle and as such, he will now receive some type of prize. Even the aforementioned purple rupee would be okay at this point — the game seems to have enough of them to go around, after all. But no, that wouldn’t completely ruin Twink’s day, so instead, a Gold-Assed Spider flies out of the hole as if shot from a GGI-style spiky rocket launcher. Twink shrieks as the spider hits him square in the face.
Eeeeeeeek!
The fact that this oversized spider managed to pop out of a tiny hole is the least egregious problem with this situation. I don’t know what’s creepier for Twink — that this fucker was lurking underground while he innocently lived his carefree life nearby, or that spiders have the ability to fling themselves directly at his head. It was bad enough that they could drop out of trees and hide inside wooden crates, but this is on a whole different level. Twink so does not feel like planting any beans at this point — he wants to warp to the Temple of Time and throw himself into Sheik’s manly, spider-killing arms. Unfortunately for him, I’m still in control here. After stuffing a bean in the hole, Twink moves on to the next location on my list.
On the way, Naggy decides it’s the perfect time to harangue Twink about the “strange cloud” over Death Mountain. She’s referring to the flaming cock ring that Twink saw after exiting the Temple of Time seven years in the future. Yes, seven years in the future. Hardly urgent business. Somewhere in the space-time continuum, I’m sure there’s an alternate timeline where Death Mountain erupts and everyone horrifically burns to death. Twink takes a moment to fantasize about this. That timeline is like the alternate 1985 in Back to the Future II where Biff Tannen is rich and powerful, and is married to Marty’s mom who has giant fake tits. This is something that Twink does not want to fantasize about. Anyway, Twink will have to perform some yet-unspecified action to — unfortunately — prevent the eruption, much like Marty had to steal the sports almanac back in 1955 to prevent his mom from having to do it with Biff. But Twink’s 1955 is seven years from his current point. For him, it’s 1885 right now. And Doc Brown didn’t spend the entire third movie nagging Marty about distant future shit like sports almanacs or clock tower lightning. All of that was really just a longwinded way of saying, “Shut the fuck up, Naggy.”
While I was attempting to incorporate all those Back to the Future references, Twink ignored Naggy as usual and entered the Lost Woods to hunt down the next couple of bean holes. By some miracle, he eventually realizes that standing way the hell back from the hole allows him to avoid a painful spider facial. That doesn’t stop him from getting hit with twitching spider legs every time he approaches with his flailing sword, though. I don’t want to mislead you into thinking Twink’s skills have actually improved. There isn’t much else to say about this process, so I fast-forward through the bean hole in the Cockariko Graveyard, the one in front of Dodongo’s Cavern (protip: there are Dodongos in there), and the one behind the laboratory overlooking Lake Hylia. Then, Twink returns to the Cockiri Forest to clear the remaining Gold-Assed Spiders out of the Dicku Tree’s STD-ridden corpse. This goes to show just how much Twink fails at planning — it would have made more sense for him to take care of this business on his previous visit. I’m appalled at him. Anyway, Twink is obviously not eager to delve back into a dungeon he already spent precious hours of his life clearing out. Unfortunately, when Ganondorf or Shelob or whoever hid all the Gold-Assed Spiders around Hyrule — let’s just say it was Ganondorf — he made it so that Twink couldn’t get some of them on his first pass through the various dungeons. In this case, Ganondorf placed a spider behind a bombable wall just to be an asshole. Since Twink didn’t get bombs until Dodongo’s Cavern (protip: it also had Dodongos in it back then), this means that Twink must wind his way back through the bottom level of the Dicku Tree in order to get one stupid spider token. Oh, and this one also requires the boomerwang, so even if Twink had tried to come in here after Dodongo’s Cavern (protip: still Dodongos), he would have been SOL. This fucking game.
Twink doesn’t feel safe.
After wasting his time inside the Dicku Tree’s inner sanctum, Twink heads back to Cockariko Village, arriving at night just in time to catch any more Gold-Assed Spiders that might be lurking about. Dampé is still lurching around the graveyard, willing to dig up bodies for cash. Seriously, why does Cockariko even need this guy’s services? There are, like, a dozen graves in this place, and unfortunately no one in the village ever seems to die. Well, except for Dampé himself, ironically enough. Twink pushes these unanswered questions to the back of his scarred brain and proceeds to follow Dampé around the poorly maintained path, forking over rupees every time he pauses in hopes that he will dig up that Piece of Ass stuffed inside someone’s rotting casket. After that thief Dampé fucks him over yet again, Twink runs away sobbing with only 37 rupees left in his wallet. He comforts himself with the fact that he will outlive Dampé and have the distinct privilege of peeing on his grave seven years from now.
Worst whorehouse ever.
Continuing his quest to wipe out all the spiders in the world, Twink visits Moron City and the Hyrule Castle moat. When he leaves the castle, he spots something both beautiful and infuriating. There, cresting the hill in the distance, is the jogging asshat that Twink unsuccessfully hunted in my last recap. This is the final person he had to find for the mask quest, and the final obstacle on his way to eternal bliss with the Happy Mask Shop Guy. Twink still has PTSD from the days he spent searching for this motherfucker, and he feels the first symptoms of an impending panic attack, but he takes a few deep breaths and starts chasing the guy anyway. For someone who apparently spends all day every day running through Hyrule field, Jogger Asshole Tardmouth (JAT for short) moves like an old lady carrying a bag of bricks. Twink, who has not been off his feet for about a week, quickly catches up to JAT just as the sun sets. Although Twink enjoys pursuing other men, it turns out that JAT just doesn’t do it for him. Sure, he has a lean body and wears a tight white tank top and running shorts that leave nothing to the imagination, but his lace-up sandals are so last season. Plus, he’s a ginger. Well, okay, that’s obviously not a dealbreaker for Twink, what with the Happy Mask Shop Guy and the Weasley Triplets sharing this same affliction, but JAT is just not hot, okay?