Once again, his hopes are shattered as he reaches the top of the wall and finds Blathers perched on a sign, waiting for him. Well, it’s official. This day cannot get any worse. Hell, Zelda, Malon, and Saria could show up right now in wedding gowns, dragging along a Justice of the Peace stricken with the spider curse, and it would be physically impossible for his mood to drop any lower.
Loading ...Twink braces himself for another one-sided conversation with his needy, clingy stalker, but oddly enough, Blathers just sits on the sign silently, following Twink with his glowing owl eyes, his beak slightly open, panting. Boring, repetitive exposition suddenly doesn’t seem all bad, Twink realizes. Trying to look nonchalant, Twink edges around the sign, mentally calculating his chances in the event of a rape attempt. Would he be better off fending off the perverted owl with his blade, or should he fall to the ground with the Hylian Turtle Shell covering his ass? Decisions, decisions.
A strangely shaped section of wall, the equivalent of a neon sign reading “Bomb this shit,” provides a quick escape for Twink. Keeping his backside facing away from Blathers at all times, Twink bombs the wall and runs down the opened passage like his life depends on it. It doesn’t even occur to him that there could be worse horrors awaiting him down that very tunnel. And by now, you’d think it totally would. Maybe Twink hasn’t learned his lesson after all.
At first, it seems that Twink has finally discovered a place that will not haunt his nightmares. Relaxing harp music plays in the background of a room with white marble floors and sparkling walls. A golden Triforce symbol is painted on the floor in front of a clear pool. The tiered seats around the pool would be a perfect spot for his multiple future boyfriends to relax after a nude bathing session. He tries very, very hard to ignore the possibility that he will never find any decent boyfriends in Hyrule, Darunia notwithstanding. This would be an awesome location for secret love trysts. Twink starts mentally compiling a list of necessary supplies he’ll need to stock this place, like velvet cushions, massage oil, thong bathing suits, and lube.
But first! The Triforce beckons. Twink isn’t sure why he stands on the damn thing and plays Zelda’s asinine song on his Cockarina. Maybe his controller, like the goddesses, has a random vendetta against him. Or maybe he’s so excited over the thought of his future pool parties he momentarily has the urge to put that sweet flesh-colored instrument in his mouth. Either way, he’s obviously forgotten that this song only causes him misfortune. In this case, it awakens something best left sleeping.
A girlish giggle is the first sign that maybe, just maybe, Twink should have kept his lips off the Cockarina. With a full-blown screaming laugh, something jets up out of the water and shoves its polygonal crotch right in the camera. This individual is the Great Fairy that Darunia mentioned, and as she floats in midair, she crosses her legs demurely even though we’ve already seen everything she has to offer. Much to Twink’s dismay.
We see a brief shot of Twink’s horrified expression before the camera pans all over the Great Fairy like she’s some marvel of graphics instead of a blocky 3D monstrosity. She’s wearing some sort of golden leotard with a pattern that looks suspiciously like a leopard print. Not that Twink notices, since he’s trying very hard to avert his eyes. But I’m a recapper and I have to look at things I might otherwise avoid. This job requires sacrifices.
When the camera reaches the Great Fairy’s face, this is where things get confusing. Much like Himpa, the fairy shows signs that she may in actuality be a gender bender. More specifically, with her exaggerated makeup and strong features, she very much resembles a drag queen. I’m not sure how this is possible — given that we’ve already had a rather up close and personal view of her crotch, it’s obvious she isn’t packing any loaded weapons, if you follow me. Then again, I’m not up on all the drag queen tricks for penis tuckage either. Or maybe she got the snip. Hell, I don’t know. And quite frankly, I don’t want to contemplate the Great Fairy’s genitalia any further. I hope you understand.
Regardless of whether or not a penis might be lurking under that leotard, Twink is too scared of the Great Fairy to want to do anything but run away. The fairy introduces herself as “The Great Fairy of Power” and Twink can believe the power part, because the bitch looks like she could bench press about twenty Twinks without breaking a sweat. And he didn’t need that mental image, either, thank you very much.
The Great Fairy already knows Twink’s name, and she must have heard good things about him, because she gives him a new sword technique. No wonder Darunia sent him here! Hopefully the, um, training process for the technique will not involve any personal instruction by this fairy. “Receive it now!” she shrieks. I’m sure that isn’t the first time Twink’s heard that sentence.
Things go Twink’s way for once, since the Great Fairy is able to bestow this sexy new technique without touching Twink at all. That’s not to say that the process isn’t disturbing — remember, this is Hyrule we’re talking about. You know how I mentioned that the camera already gave us a rather intimate view of the fairy’s crotch? Well, I spoke too soon. I really need to learn to rein in my complaining, or the game designers will find some way to make things a thousand times more horrifying for me.
You’re welcome.
The Great Fairy, still floating in midair, spreads her legs for the camera, revealing — much like Britney Spears — practically her entire vaginal cavity. I think it’s safe to say that by birth or by surgery, this fairy has no penis. In fact, thanks to the vivid detail provided by the camera angle, it looks like the fairy has no genitalia whatsoever. Or pubes. She’s basically a Barbie doll down there. And let’s not even get into her boobs that look like two pointy clam shells. I’ll just add this character model to my growing collection of brain-scarring images. The very same collection that will likely be responsible for shortening my life span.
The camera finally backs out of the Great Fairy’s vagina. This is a bad thing for most straight male gamers, who will likely never be that close to woman parts ever again. From behind Twink’s head, we see sparkly dust fly out of the Great Fairy’s cooch and envelop Twink’s entire body. Suddenly, getting a greasy wing rub on his ass from Blathers seems like a preferable alternative.
But at least Twink gets a new sword technique! The creatively-named Spin Attack allows Twink to perform a spinning sword attack. Look surprised. However, there’s a twist (no pun intended)! Since this attack burns up magical energy, Twink receives a sexy green magic meter. Twink chooses to ignore the fact that it was given to him by snizz glitter. As a parting shot, the Great Fairy shrills, “Hey, boy! You’re a messenger of the Royal Family, aren’t you?” The Great Fairy, not waiting for a reply because surely no one else could possibly know the complicated melody of Zelda’s Lullaby, goes on to mention that she has another fairy friend near Hyrule Castle, and Twink should totally visit her! Yeah, Twink will get right on that. That will surely make his day not suck!
With another scream of laughter, the scary fairy disappears beneath the water once again. So much for inviting Darunia and any other future boyfriends to this place — it would seriously fuck up his sexy men’s-only party if this crazy witch kept screaming out of the water every two minutes. One more fantasy ruined. What a surprise.
Back out on the summit of Death Mountain, Twink has a choice to make. He can head back down the spider wall and boulder field back to Cockariko village. He can subject himself to another creepy, leering monologue on the part of Blathers. Or, he can head into the fiery crater of Death Mountain. His choice is clear — the crater it is! Burning to death is clearly the best option for him. Oh, sweet, sweet death.
Some kind soul built a convenient staircase down into the crater, and Twink uses this to enter the lava pit. Well, actually, the staircase doesn’t lead directly into the magma. Much like Mount Doom, the crater contains some rocky pathways, again for the convenience of any visitors. Just in case the close proximity to liquid magma and the red haze in the air is not enough to warn me, the player, that there may be a slight issue with the high level of heat in this place, Naggy is there to help. “Twink, it’s so hot in here! We can’t stay here for long!” The first thing this brings to mind — after the obvious “DURRRRRR!!!!” of course — is that Twink, by sacrificing himself in the fires of Mount Death, might also seal away the greatest evil in the land by taking Naggy with him.
Loading ...Twink’s evil controller has other ideas. As much as I would enjoy watching Naggy die horribly in a fire, you guys would never forgive me if I ended the recap at this point, depriving you of any more of Sam’s hilarious Cockarina recaps. So rather than allowing Twink to snuff out his miserable existence, I steer him out of the cavern and into Blathers’s waiting talons.
Oh, but first I make Twink bust open a crate and stab a Gold-Assed Spider, just to make myself even more of an asshole. I’m pretty sure I’ll be reincarnated as Tightass’s boxer shorts for my transgressions.
Eyeing Twink’s long, hard magic bar (which isn’t really all that long, but I’m not going to be the one to tell Twink), Blathers leers, “Well, it looks like you’ve grown up a little from the Great Fairy’s power…” Twink shifts slightly in an attempt to hide the bar. “But you still don’t really look like the hero who will save Hyrule. At least not yet!” Ouch. Given that Blathers has not hidden his obvious lust for Twink very well, I can only assume that these insults are not honest, but instead a transparent attempt to pressure Twink into looking more “heroic.” And in Blathers’s mind, that’s probably something akin to forcing him to wear only a green thong and bowtie. Blathers can probably tell from Twink’s skeptical expression that his plan is really fucking obvious, so he changes the subject. “If you are going back down the mountain, I can lend you a wing. Come here and grab my talons! And hold on tight! Hoo hoooooooooot!” Yikes. Twink just knows that as soon as he reaches for the owl’s talons, Blathers will “accidentally” shift just enough for Twink to grab his owl wang instead. Twink wasn’t born yesterday.
Why is ‘down the mountain’ in red font? Is it some sort of euphemism?
Just as Twink prepares for the long journey back down the mountain on his own, his controller once again steps in and fucks up his life. Because, unlike Twink, his controller knows that riding Blathers’s wangmobile into Cockariko Village will allow Twink to get a Piece of Ass. And since this mysterious, all-knowing controller also knows that she will never in a million years be able to complete the more challenging Piece of Ass tasks, she’s not going to pass up this opportunity to grab this easy one, even if it does subject Twink to the inappropriate advances of his stalker owl. So Twink, against his will, grabs on somewhere in the owl’s lower regions — the camera thankfully shifts so that we don’t see the details — and gets ready for the ride of his life.
The game designers reused the whimsical flying Naggy music for this little trek, complete with nausea-inducing camera angles. Poor Twink, not privy to any of the Piece of Ass-gathering info, expects that Blathers is flying the two of them to his scary nest. A nest which Sam believes is full of Twink-related trophies, such as hair locks, discarded food wrappers, and pictures of Twink going to the bathroom. I have to thank Sam for that disturbing mental image, but I can’t say I disagree with her.
Shockingly, Blathers doesn’t transport Twink to the aforementioned love nest for a molest-a-thon, but instead drops him off on the roof of one of the Cockariko houses. If he really had Twink’s well-being in mind, you’d think he’d drop Twink off on the ground instead of leaving him stranded on a rooftop, but maybe he needs to go and chuck the Twink RealDoll out of his nest before retrieving the actual Twink. Aren’t you glad you don’t live inside my brain?
The house in question belongs to the Cocko lady, and by jumping onto the roof of the Cocko coop, Twink can enter the doorway that leads to the cow imprisoned in the house. There must be some serial cownapper loose in this game. I can’t think of any other reasons you’d have a cow inside a freaking jail cell or a stone-covered pit. Whatever the case, Twink isn’t here to save any bovines — he just wants the sexy Piece of Ass located in the cell. Yay, he only has to collect three more to get another heart!
When Twink wanted to ‘meet someone’ in prison, this isn’t quite what he had in mind.
Before leaving Cockariko Village for the time being, Twink visits yet another location that Sam left for me — the creepy windmill. Inside, an unnerving carousel theme plays as the windmill’s wooden platform spins. A man stands on one of the wooden beams set into the floor, and it would probably be redundant to describe him as weird and disturbing. Twink just knows that if the guy didn’t have that strange music box handle in his hand, he’d be constantly cranking on something else. “Go around! Go around and around and around! What fun! I’m so happy! I’m a music man who loves to go around and around! Go around and around!!!” the man gushes. Twink’s all about turning around and putting his hand on various cranks, but this scary loser doesn’t do anything for him, so it’s time to go. Quickly.