To Twink’s dismay, the Gay Mask Shop owner doesn’t provide him with any kinky punishments for losing cash on the deal. Twink just has to pay the extra 10 Rupees from his own stash. God, what is with this guy? Is he straight or something? Why is it that Twink can’t take two steps without meeting some new princess who wants in his tunic, but he meets a sexy man and he has to jump through hoops to get the guy’s attention? This is so…so…unfair!
Twink grabs the next mask a little more roughly than necessary and sets off to find the buyer. This one, called the Spooky Mask, resembles the face of a ReDead. And who wouldn’t want to dress up like a face-raping zombie? Twink’s sure people will be falling all over themselves for a chance at this mask. He’ll just stand around and wait for the Rupees to start rolling in.
Another disturbing mask requires another disturbing buyer, and this time it’s someone rather obvious. I’m speaking, naturally, of the creepy gravedigging kid back in Cockariko Village. When Twink first approaches the kid while wearing the mask, the little mofo thinks he’s Dampé the Gravedigger. Because a short guy wearing a Peter Pan outfit and a shit colored mask looks just like the big white dude with the underbite. Most unfortunately, Creepy Kid starts to experience some…funny feelings when he looks at the mask, so he wants it bad. Different strokes, so to speak. Twink’s totally prepared to give Creepy Kid the mask for free — he just wants to get rid of it — but the kid hands over the entire price of 30 Rupees. Twink makes sure not to actually touch those Rupees.
Leaving Creepy Kid to his Dampé fantasies, Twink goes to pick up the last sellable mask. After two unfortunate masks, it’s back to cute. Now, this latest one isn’t exactly a mask — it’s a set of tall yellow bunny ears. But I can overlook the discrepancy because bunnies are cute. And I mean cute in a platonic way. Twink, on the other hand, wonders if this hat will help him get any tail. Get it? Tail? Because bunnies have…oh, never mind. God, if it’s not a penis joke, you sick fucks won’t even laugh. Grow up, already.
Twink puts on the hood and struts his stuff in the market square to no effect. Well, except that several people tell him about some weirdo they saw chasing rabbits. None of them will tell Twink whether or not the guy is hot. God, what is with these useless NPCs?
That would probably be my husband trying to get the bunnies into the basement during a tornado warning.
The last buyer can be somewhat tricky to find. He’s some dork who spends the entire day jogging all around Hyrule Field. It is entirely possible — and probable, unless you are extremely lucky — to miss this guy if you don’t know to look for him. Even if you know where to look for him, which I thought I did, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. See, every time I have ever found this annoying, jobless asshat, it’s when I have Twink staked out near the castle in this little alcove across the river. As soon as the sun comes up, there he is in his tight jogging shorts, running around the crest of the hill like a Cocko with its head cut off.
It should go without saying that I make Twink camp out in this exact spot. Several days later — fifteen minutes, in our time — he still hasn’t encountered the guy. Maybe fifteen minutes doesn’t seem all that long to you people, but look at it from Twink’s point of view — he has literally spent at least three days running around, searching for some donkey-fellating assfucker in order to sell him a mask. Think about how much you can do in half a week, and how many hours that entails. Now, picture spending that many hours running all over a big empty field looking for a random guy. Not sleeping, not eating, not playing your latest video game purchase — just running around, and sometimes standing around, looking for some jerk who wants to dress up in bunny ears. Sounds fun, doesn’t it?
Now imagine, if you will, that you never actually find the guy. Imagine your despair, a despair so dark that almost anything else seems preferable. Even something horrible, the thing you always thought would be the absolute last thing you’d ever want to do. Now you know how Twink feels when he abandons his search and heads back to Zora’s Domain to hunt down Princess Ruto. You should be experiencing chills right now.
All is not lost for our brave hero, however! At the last second, he takes a detour to Lake Hylia because he has a sneaking suspicion he forgot to do something there. He doesn’t know what it is, but it’s safe to say it’s more important than Ruto. Hopefully I haven’t caused you guys irreversible blindness from that flash of the obvious.
On the shore near the fugly scientist’s phallic abode lies a small terraced garden. From the looks of it, nothing much grows here, but there are still two scarecrows to protect the nonexistent plant life from the birds. I would snark about the lack of birds in this area, but I seem to recall numerous attacks from creepy black flying things at night, so let’s just assume that those are after the “crops.” Anyway, Twink finds scarecrows rather unnerving, and just to make things extra pleasant for him, these are talking scarecrows. Talking scarecrows that will most likely peer through his treehouse windows at night, giggling evilly and plotting his painful demise.
Right now, the first scarecrow tries to act all friendly and possibly even friendly, calling Twink “baby” and sharing his life story. His name is Bonooru, or “Boner” in VGR lingo, and he is a self-proclaimed musical genius because he can remember eight notes of a song after hearing it only once. As someone who is not a musical genius but has been through multiple semesters of ear training in college, I can say that his “talent” isn’t all that. But Twink isn’t about to insult him because of the aforementioned stalking and murder thing. In fact, Twink decides to humor Boner the scarecrow by playing him a sweet ditty on the Cockarina. It goes like this: “A-down-A-down-A-down-A-down.” Boner pops a…well, he becomes quite ecstatic over hearing this complex musical theme and swears that he will remember it for all time. He’ll probably hum it while he’s making a suit out of Twink’s skin.
That doesn’t seem like such an advantageous trait with a lot of today’s shitty music.
Just for kicks, Twink talks to the other scarecrow, with the completely heterosexual name of Pierre. His lifelong dream is to wander around Hyrule, “to look for soul-moving sounds.” But as a scarecrow, he can’t really wander at all. Twink’s not buying that — he knows what’s going to happen as soon as he closes his eyes.
The good news is, Twink can’t get butchered by an animate scarecrow if he’s already been digested to death by a giant fish. With this in mind, he heads back to Zora’s Domain to see if he can somehow get inside Jabba. I know Twink’s all about the backdoor shenanigans, but let’s hope for the mouth.
Like many large fish, Jabba enjoys eating smaller fish. And Twink just happens to have one of those rotting in a glass bottle. Although the puny little thing must be the equivalent of a tic-tac to Jabba, he still sucks it in like Shion in a job interview. We get a “hilarious” animation of Twink disappearing into Jabba’s maw along with the fish (and a girly scream).
Given that Jabba isn’t all that big — I mean, Twink can swim around his entire circumference in less than a minute — I figure this should be a quick in-and-out operation. Let me rephrase that — Twink should have no trouble sliding down Jabba’s throat, and…God damn it. Okay, you guys know what I’m trying to say here. Apparently, I didn’t learn my lesson from the “bigger on the inside” nature of the Dicku Tree, because once Twink enters Jabba’s mouth, the fish god magically grows to the size of a mansion. Shit.
Twink thought the Dicku Tree’s puke-colored, web-festooned walls were grosser than a bag of Tiduses. At least he didn’t feel like he was exploring Goatse from the inside. Although the Location Text God calls this “Inside [Jabba]’s Belly,” in reality, Twink starts out in the mouth and works his way inward. Not that it really matters much, since there doesn’t seem to be anything anatomically correct about Jabba’s innards, but since his teeth are clearly visible in the first room, I thought I’d note the discrepancy.
Like the Dicku Tree, someone has been fucking around inside Jabba as well. Unless he generally contains a plethora of monsters, I’m guessing Ganondorf might be to blame. I realize this might be totally out of left field, but that’s just my wild guess. I know, you are in awe of my powerful mental capabilities. Anyway, after eliminating a pair of Octoroks residing behind Jabba’s tongue, Twink works his way down the gross pink tunnel to the door.
I suppose now is as good a time as any to discuss the rather confusing nature of this “dungeon.” See, with its numerous pink pulsating walls and multiple orifices, it might be easy to write this off as a giant vagina. However! As I mentioned before, it also gives off the effect of being inside a giant Goatse-esque ass. Plus, as Twink will discover later, there are numerous appendages of a phallic nature. So what are we to believe about the internal organs of Jabba? Is Twink inside yet another evil vagina, or have his old friends, the wieners and buttholes, turned against him? This is a dilemma which no one person can answer, so I’ll leave it to you, my knowledgeable readers.
Loading ...At the end of the red, slimy tunnel, Twink encounters a door he can’t open. It appears to be covered with a strange, throbbing web material, the true nature of which Twink decides not to pursue further. Naggy flips her shit over this doorway, simply aching to tell Twink all about it. Luckily for Twink’s gag reflex (assuming he still has one), he knows that Naggy will not provide any actual information about this substance — and if she did, he would die of shock anyway, so it wouldn’t matter.
“Something strange is covering the entrance. You must solve the puzzle in this room to make the entrance open.” Naggy chirps. Well, thank god for that tip — otherwise Twink might have spent the rest of his life trying to force open the door. But there’s a puzzle involved. He never would have guessed.
Just in case Twink happened to miss the one completely out of place object in the room, Naggy makes sure to flutter around it spastically. By “it,” I am referring to a rather clitoral protrusion in the ceiling of the tunnel. This further supports my theory that game designers have never actually had sex with a female human. Now, we all know that Twink wouldn’t know what to do with a clitoris, nor would he want to, but he really only has one item in his inventory that will even reach the thing, and that’s his Schlongshot. The last thing he wants to do is waste his precious seed on a vile clitoris, but he does so anyway because he’s secretly hoping he’ll miss and drive a Dicku seed through Naggy’s irritating skull.
Alas, he hits the clitoris (ouch!) and the door’s webbing draws back, most likely in pain. Although you might notice I’ve been using vaginal comparisons for the last few paragraphs, I must note that the door opens in a most sphincteral fashion. Again with the mixed metaphors.
The next room only contains two things of note (for now) — a blue, floating jellyfish that will electrocute the living fuck out of Twink should he attempt to use his sword on it, and a pair of wooden crates, stacked neatly against the sticky red wall. Provided that Ruto went in the front entrance, she must have tidied up in here along the way. Twink cares nothing for boxes, so he continues through the next door without even pausing.
He soon finds out that he should have just stayed in the room with the wooden boxes. As Twink enters the newest chamber, the camera pulls away in order to give us a more detailed view. I’m not sure what this room is supposed to be — one might assume from the massive size of the room that it might, in fact, be Jabba’s belly. But that wouldn’t explain the numerous sucking orifices lining the floor, nor the giant, green, wildly pulsating penis firmly stuck into one of the aforementioned orifices.
But those disturbing horrors pale in comparison to what the camera focuses on next. An orchestral motif indicates that Twink has just discovered something exciting. Obviously that is a lie. This “something” can only be Princess Ruto. Although Twink was seriously hoping that the princess would turn out to be a happily married woman with a family of her own, that’s clearly not the case. Ruto is, naturally, the same age as Twink. She doesn’t have a fish tail sticking out the back of her head like the generic Zora NPCs (her head is shaped like a hammer, which may be worse), but she shares the white and blue-green coloring and the fins. Not to mention the nudity. Oh, Jesus, the nudity. I believe I made a comment in my first Cockarina recap about the wrongness of Twink’s pantsless outfit. Yet that’s a downright full-body snowsuit in comparison to this debacle. We can see, in full polygonal detail, Ruto’s budding bosom and her prepubescent crotch. The coloring and/or shading on said crotch gives the effect of newly-grown pubes. It looks like I’ll be writing the rest of this recap from prison for having this video on my hard drive. Thank you so much, game designers.
Again, you’re welcome.
Unfortunately for Twink, a fish gut dungeon provides very few clothing opportunities, but he still glances around frantically for something, anything she can use to cover her shame. God, at least Zelda, Malon, and Saria didn’t walk around with their mostly-nonexistent tits showing. And Twink’s definition of rock bottom is once again adjusted.
Twink’s first reflex — after the search for clothing — is to turn around and hightail it right out of that dungeon, where he will spend the rest of his life in that random dark cavern with the cow, praying for the destruction of Hyrule. The game instead forces Twink to run up to Ruto. I don’t know why — this is clearly out of character. Maybe he thinks that if he gets closer to her, he will spontaneously vomit to death and solve all of his problems in one fell swoop.