“The Eternal Calm,” she continues. “It’s my two minutes and forty one seconds and Wakka’s flaccid penis pudgy stomach.” Yes, pudgy stomach. Given that Wakka looks exactly like he did throughout Final Fantasy X, either the game designers were too lazy to update his character model, or they really did censor out the penis talk. Or both. “It’s not much, just a quiet kind of happiness.” I just bet. End scene.
The next scene starts with the sound of a large door opening. The camera proceeds to pan around Yuna as she stands in the doorway of the temple, lost in “thought.” We’re supposed to reflect on how meaningful this all is, now that the temples are no longer necessary and stuff. After about a second of reflecting, I’m done, leaving me with thirty more seconds of pointless crap. Yuna slowly — as usual — makes her way into the center of the main chamber, where Wakka is engaged in conversation with one of the random NPC sprites of the first game, an old man wearing a sleeveless top open in the front to display his well-muscled chest (!?) and an extremely gay red and purple hat on the back of his head. As soon as the old guy notices Yuna standing demurely a short distance away, he and Wakka approach her.
Old Guy starts gushing about how he never thought he’d meet Yuna face-to-face. He compliments her beauty in a rather inappropriate tone. Instead of telling him to get his dirty old ass the hell out of there, Yuna just thanks him. I see that there has been no change in the status of her backbone in the last two years. “I have a favor to ask about my grandson,” Old Guy says. Apparently, his grandson has joined something called the Youth League. However, the rest of the family is part of New Yevon. This is the first mention of the bad blood between these two groups, and I am severely understating the issue when I say that it won’t be the last. Old Guy goes on and on and on about the situation without actually asking the favor. Unfortunately, this monologue sets off a severe fit of Yuna Wankese.
She informs us of what we already ascertained — different groups have formed since the defeat of Sin. The purpose of these groups is to determine Spira’s future. Apparently, living without the threat of death by sea monster has severely disrupted these people’s lives. Instead of wanking in the ocean like Yuna, some of them have actually tried to make a difference or something. When she returns to the present scene, Old Guy is still droning on and on about his stupid grandson. And then there’s more Wankese, this time about how there is sometimes conflict between different groups. Yes, WE GET IT. “Some people are uncomfortable with the new way of things. Honestly, I am too, sometimes…” I was wondering when we’d get into the Yuna Wankst. “But this is good enough for now. That’s what I keep telling myself.” Gosh, if I didn’t know better, I would think that Yuna is going to get tired of this constant self-convincing and go on a journey of self-discovery. But that would be totally predictable, and game designers would never disappoint us in that way.
Yuna snaps out of her Wankese to find that Old Guy has finished his rambling. Her advice to him is basically, “What the hell are you asking me for? Talk to him yourself, dumbass. You both like Spira, so quit wanksting all over the place.” Only a lot less cool. Old Guy just kind of groans, and the camera proceeds to pan around the three of them from overhead for the next thirty seconds. Fade out. I’m glad they’re using the epilogue for such valuable expositional scenes such as this.
The next scene is Yuna walking along the path by the waterfalls. Some more recycled Final Fantasy X music plays in the background. Not that I’m giving the game designers a hard time for re-using the music. But it would be funny if they created a whole new score and still used the same old character models. Wakka runs up, shrieking to get her attention. Yuna’s all, “Not another fucking visitor!” Of course it is. “The village geezers are shooting their mouths off about that again…” Wakka cryptically says. What this has to do with Yuna having a visitor, I do not know. Nor am I clear on exactly what “that” refers to. But this guy is important or something — he’s the son of the New Yevon leader. “No way. I’d probably just end up being used by him,” Yuna replies. She didn’t mind it when Tightass used her, and there’s no way this dude could be any worse. Wakka says he’s sorry, and I think it’s in a “Sorry you have to deal with all this shit” way instead of an apology. Yes, poor Yuna, living in a beautiful island paradise, never having to worry about money, and being all important and famous.
Yuna wants to take the responsibility for turning them down. Of course Wakka won’t let her because he doesn’t want Yuna to “see their frowning faces.” Little Yuna doesn’t need her feewings huwt. God, no wonder Yuna can’t stand up for herself, surrounded by these overprotective buttholes. Not that I’m absolving her of the responsibility — she is, after all, an adult.
Suddenly, another, higher-pitched voice starts screaming for Yuna. Some guy wearing yellow shorts, a blue leotard and helmet, and yellow shoulder pads runs up to them. This fashion disaster introduces himself as Yaibal from the Youth League. He’s there to deliver a message from the oh-so-sexily-named Nooj, their leader. I bet he’s just as sexy as his name. Mmmm, baby. Wakka speaks for Yuna, telling this joker to buzz off because she’s not joining their group. When Yaibal acts surprised, Yuna wonders if that’s the reason he came. Guilty as charged. Yuna, in a tone that could almost be described as forceful, informs him she is not interested.
Yaibal wonders if she is going to form her own group, perhaps one with three scantily clad young women who like to play dress-up. Yuna looks put-upon, and then asks him to leave. I think the game designers are trying to show us that Yuna is tired of her popularity and all the people asking for help and advice. I’m sure they’ll be very consistent with this characterization in the next game. The camera focuses on Wanksty!Yuna for a while, just so we can all get a good gander at that expression we’ve missed OH-SO-MUCH. Suddenly, a shrill voice interrupts her self-pitying thoughts. It’s Rikku!
Rikku, like everyone else, looks exactly the same as she did two years ago. The camera gets in a brief boob shot between all the panting and moaning. From running, you damn sickos. The scene fades out awkwardly and back in on some Wankese accompanied by Rikku’s rarely played theme. “Rikku sometimes comes by Besaid Island,” Yuna exposits as the three of them hang out on the boat from the beginning of Final Fantasy X. Apparently, Rikku travels the land, digging up machina and teaching everyone how to use it. Because machina is no longer eeeeeeevil. I’m happy for the women of Spira, because I don’t even want to know what they had been using for vibrators. Hey, you were thinking the same thing! “She’s awfully busy, but she seems to be enjoying herself,” Yuna continues along this same train of thought.
Yuna finishes her Wankese so we can all enjoy the sight of Rikku poking Wakka’s limp wang to the accompaniment of the rubber ducky sound from earlier. “Quite the [“]tummy[“] you’ve got now!” she chirps to his chiseled six-pack. Rikku makes some small talk regarding Lulu, who is conveniently in the village and will not be appearing in this epilogue. At the time this came out, I figured that the game designers wouldn’t be able to get away with the same recycled character model for Lulu, seeing as how she’s pregnant and all, so they just cut her out of this segment completely. Yeah, and then I played FFX-2. That’s all I’m going to say for now.