“And Yunie, same as always, huh?” Rikku says, not entirely complimentary. Yuna agrees that everything’s same ol’, same ol’ for her. The camera zooms in on Yuna, and then artistically pans overhead to show the beautiful seagulls, most likely shitting on everything in sight. This meaningful pause is meant to illustrate that Yuna Is Not Totally Happy And Needs A Change.

The subject immediately changes to another former member of the Wanker Gang, Kimahri. He got sick of hanging out with Yuna and moved back to Mt. Gagazet with all the Ronso who didn’t get reamed by Seymour. “He’s teaching the Ronso children tons of stuff,” Rikku says innocently. Um. Rikku rubs something on her shorts, explaining that Kimahri has a gift for Yuna — something that he found on the mountain. God, I hope it’s yeti shit. But no, it’s a sphere. A weirdly-shaped sphere, apparently. A sphere that’s not spherical. Sure, that makes sense!

Rikku starts up the sphere, and everything goes downhill from here. A grainy, fuzzy picture of what looks like a prison cell appears. A freak inside the prison screams his fool head off. We know what causes that. A moment later, we get a “better” view of the screecher. It’s someone very familiar. And not in a good way, if I may make a ginormous understatement. Yes, the screaming wanker is none other than Tightass — or someone who looks enough like him to bring the bile up in my throat. But things are strange. He’s shrieking about using “the enemy’s machina” because “it was the only way to save the Summoner.” Basically, talking in a way rather foreign to Tightass. But it is the exact same character model, down to the mismatched overalls, as we can clearly see in the next few shots. Again, I will save any further analysis on the continuity between this and FFX-2 for further recaps. Not?Tightass demands to see “her,” in a very whiny, Tightass-like fashion before the sphere fades out. The only good thing I can say about this scene is that I didn’t have to hear James Arnold Taylor. That’s not saying much.

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The potential presence of the wanker induces sympathetic Wankese in Yuna. “A voice…a voice that had been close by for what seemed like forever…” Yes, it did seem like forever, didn’t it? Wakka asks about a million questions about the sphere, to which Rikku responds, “I don’t really know…but you want to find out, don’t you?” I can quite honestly answer “no.” This is one of those times you should just leave well enough alone. But Wakka and Yuna both suck, so they do want to solve the mystery behind the WankSphere. “Then let’s go!” Rikku squeaks. She figures they can start by talking to Kimahri and going from there. “But we don’t know anything!” Wakka says, the most truthful statement I’ve ever heard from him. “Shouldn’t we look into it a little first?” Again, no. Rikku wants to know who’s going to do the investigative work for them. Cue Eavesdropping Asshat.

Yaibal comes running onto the deck of the ship, shrilling in his girly voice about how Nooj will help them out. “I’ll convince him myself!” Yaibal assures them. I hope we don’t have to see that. Wakka tells him to fuck off. “Y-yessir! I’ll return as soon as something has been learned!” He bows and then runs off before Wakka recovers from his drug-induced haze enough to beat the shit out of him. “I think that Yunie ought to go herself,” Rikku suggests. Wakka quickly nixes that idea, because Yuna’s schedule is full for the next three months. “Everyone wants to meet Yuna,” he insists. Wow. That is…sad. Spira really, truly sucks. “And what about what Yunie wants!” Rikku ejaculates loudly. Christ. Yuna wants Tightass. I think that pretty much disqualifies her from getting to make decisions.

Wakka tries to make excuses, saying that when things settle down a bit, then maybe Yuna can go on her Wanker Hunt. “Whaddya mean, someday?” Rikku demands. “What’s the matter with you, Wakka?” Ah, a simple question that would take many hours to answer. Rikku lectures him about how Yuna has worked so hard for other people, and now she should do what she wants to do. Now, I sort of agree with the sentiment, but again…searching for Tightass. Rikku goes on and on about Poor Yuna some more, because everyone’s so totally holding a gun to Yuna’s head and making her do all this shit. The camera pans over Wakka’s chastised face and Yuna’s pensive gaze. Wakka and Rikku argue some more without a peep from the subject of their conversation. After Rikku finally prompts Yuna for an answer, Yuna slips into more Wankese. “I…I want to go. But, if I leave, I may disappoint people.” Oh, Cait Sith on a jumbo jet. “I…” she begins out loud. Then something more horrible happens. We get a flashback, or more accurately, a wankback to one of Tightass’s speeches from the game. In voiceover only, thank Yevon. The translation isn’t identical to the wording from FFX, but it’s the assy speech prompted by Wakka calling him childish. I didn’t bother to recap it verbatim then, and I’m sure as hell not going to now.

Yuna uses this wankback monologue to inspire her to action, continuing to flush her personality and character down the toilet. It’s the Spiral of Shit. Yuna announces that she’s going, to predictable reactions from Rikku and Wakka. “After all…this is my story.” OH SWEET JESUS! It’s official. Yuna is becoming Tightass. There was a void of wank in Spira, a void we all love very much, and Yuna is determined to fill it. I don’t know what kind of illicit substances the game designers have to smoke to think that killing off the best character and making the Mary Sue morph into the wankiest character are good ideas. But I hope those substances never find their way into mainstream use. WankCrack: the new evil.

“Ha! I knew you’d say that, so I went ahead and brought some skimpy clothes for you,” Rikku basically says. “First off, we gotta get you into [those clothes]! You’re famous, after all, so you’d better go undercover!” Rikku finishes lamely, obviously wanting to see Yuna half-naked. Because yeah, no one will recognize her with her ass hanging out! Great plan! God, game designers, just say you want to make young girls wear revealing outfits at conventions and quit trying to make “story” reasons for it.

Wakka can’t take this all in, so he says he needs to fetch Lulu. He runs off. “The Eternal Calm,” Yuna begins to repeat her earlier Wankese speech. “It’s my two minutes and forty one seconds and Wakka’s [“]pudgy stomach[“].” And I had almost managed to forget about that. THANK YOU, YUNA. “It’s a small and quiet kind of happiness…But…I guess I can ask for a little more, can’t I?” Yes, that’s right, Yuna. Shoot for the stars.

Yuna is all raring to track down her wanker, so she tells Rikku that they need to leave right now. Without saying goodbye to anyone. Just as well — I don’t need to see any sappy shit at this point. She and Rikku head toward the door of the ship as the screen fades out. There’s a boat horn to let us less observant people know that they are, in fact, leaving. And that’s the end!

In the next recap, which will be located in the brand new FFX-2 section, Yuna and Rikku strip down, Rikku’s hair grows a couple of feet, Auron is replaced by a lesbian, and then the real fucked up shit begins. Join us.