Tightass manages to get a fire going in the middle of the floor. Yet he doesn’t button up his shirt or anything. It’s like the people at work who bitch about being cold, yet they insist on wearing short sleeves. Duh, people.

Seeing Tightass getting dissed by characters in the game: priceless.

We get several pointless shots of the room, and then Tightass starts whining about needing food. What he needs is to shut up. Suddenly there’s a flashback that has nothing at all to do with food, and therefore has no relation at all to what was just happening.

I can’t complain too much though, for, confusing though the timing may be, the flashback consists of Auron ripping on Tightass for screwing up the game. The game being Blitzball, I’m assuming. Auron says, “It’s been ten years. I thought you’d be crying.” Tightass denies it, then suddenly Mysterious Disappearing Kid from the beginning materializes to say, “You cried.” And in a flash of white light, we’re back to the present.

More pointless shots of the room, and the fire starts to go out. It’s as bored as I am. Tightass starts yelling at the fire not to go out. The fire doesn’t listen. It’s sick of his whining. Then a monster attacks. It’s annoyed with Tightass, too. Everything hates him.

Um…she has a face, game designers.

In the middle of the battle, the temple doors burst open and a bunch of guys run in with guns pointed straight at Tightass. Wow, everyone really does hate him! Their leader is a young woman in a rather tight bodysuit and goggles. She has a strap in her crotch, and a very uncomfortable-looking camel toe. Ow. Unfortunately, she wants to help Tightass, and so the battle continues with her by his side. Her name is ????, and she can steal and use special items in battle.

In this particular battle, she steals grenades from the monster….and then uses them to attack it. I bet this monster feels pretty stupid. I bet it feels even stupider about getting beaten by Tightass. Does the humiliation never end?

….why….?

After the battle, we are “treated” to a very slow camera pan over ????’s ass. (CASC: 3) It is totally unnecessary, but was thrown in there for the drooling fanboys. I am not a drooling fanboy.

???? spends 30 seconds taking off her goggles, and she and Tightass stare at each other for the next ten minutes. This is so tedious. I go downstairs, grab something to drink (not alcohol – I’m having enough trouble staying awake), watch a few TV shows, trim my toenails, talk to one of my friends on the phone, bang my head against the wall a few times, watch the grass grow, cook a 6 course meal, read Harry Potter Book 4, come back upstairs, and watch the scene drag on for five more minutes. I’m just exaggerating – I didn’t cook the 6 course meal. I don’t know how to cook.

Some guy grabs Tightass’s hair from behind (it’s just as dirty as it sounds), and the guys with the guns surround him. They start talking in some funny language. One of the guys holds a knife to his throat. ???? says, “Fyed! Fryd ev ed ec risyh?” Since I don’t understand what they are saying, I will make up my own translation. “Dork! Isn’t he a wanker?” “You ain’t shittin’ me,” one of the men replies. “His outfit scares me. He needs to button up his shirt,” ???? adds. She approaches Tightass and presses her entire body against him in a disturbing manner. He doesn’t seem to mind, since he gets this look on his face like he’s been touched for the very first time.

“Wanker,” ???? says, and punches him in the balls. I like her already. Tightass blacks out.

Tightass wakes up on a big ship with searchlights. They just kind of threw him on the deck. As soon as he gets up, one of the gun guys pushes him down again, and Tightass gets all whiny. ???? and a tattooed blond mohawk guy emerge from the inside of the ship, and mohawk dude starts pantomiming to Tightass. He clearly wants him to swim, but Tightass is confused by all the really obvious swimming motions because he’s a dumbass. ???? starts talking in English at that point.

Now maybe it’s just me, but if I was trying to help out some guy, and he didn’t speak my language, and my cohorts were all pushing him around and sticking weapons in his face, I might try to explain things a tad bit sooner. There can be only one explanation: she hates him.

She translates mohawk guy’s words: Tightass can stay if he makes himself useful. Now I really hope to God he was talking about swimming. The alternative scares and disturbs me. I hope to never see Tightass in that…position.

I find an Al Bhed primer, a book that helps to translate the funny talk one letter at a time. I like my translations better. Then I get a sphere grid tutorial. Basically, instead of simulating the improvement of fighting skills by using a leveling-up system, FFX simulates the improvement of fighting skills by whipping out a gigantic board and sticking spheres into it. It’s so realistic, I feel like I’m fighting battles right here in my room. Way to go, Square.

???? explains that there are ancient ruins in the ocean beneath them, and they’re going to see if they can salvage some machinery or something. Luckily for the funny-talking people, they just happened to find a guy who can hold his breath for a very long time. Otherwise, this mission would kind of suck for everyone involved.

Tightass and ????, who can also hold her breath indefinitely, make their way down to the underwater ruins and the surreal music within. There’s all sorts of computerized crap – and speaking of crap, the old school fanboys are shitting themselves after seeing all this technological stuff. Especially after that primitive temple thingamabobber, this must be a horrific letdown.

Random battles, swimming through corridors, random battles, activating some big glowing generator thingy, boss battle. It’s a big nautilus, and I’m not talking about the exercise equipment. Although working out on a weight machine would be much less painful than sitting through some of the boring-ass scenes in this game. Plus, I’d get buff.

Tightass and ???? swim back to the surface. One good thing about the underwater scenes – I don’t have to hear Tightass talk. So even though there are 50 million pointless underwater shots, I can still be happy.

Back on the ship, one of the guys says something about an airship. Tightass shakes like a wet dog. He probably smells like one, too. He is dismayed when the funny-talking people all walk into the ship and slam the big metal door in his face. I, however, am pleased.

Tightass starts whining about being hungry again. I kick him. Oh wait, that was ????. She’s holding a food tray, and I get to see and hear the lovely sounds of Tightass stuffing his face and choking. No one would ever want to have sex with him if they beheld that horrific sight. ???? chides him for eating too fast. I would have just kicked him again. He starts laughing and grunting and stretching. We find out that ???? is really called Rikku. Tightass starts cackling like a madman. I am afraid.

Rikku explains that she is an Al Bhed. Gee, I never would have guessed after finding that AL BHED PRIMER. It confuses her that Tightass can’t tell that she and her companions are Al Bhed. Then we see her ass yet again (CASC: 4) with Tightass in the background. It’s like giving me a papercut and then pouring Tabasco sauce in it. The pain, the pain!

Tightass tells her that he is from Zanarkand. He tries to be all cool, bragging about being the star player of the Zanarkand Abes blitzball team. Rikku is as impressed as I am. “Did you hit your head or something?” she wonders. “Um…you guys hit me,” Tightass reminds her. Rikku asks if he remembers anything before that.

Tightass wankovers about Zanarkand and Sin’s attack, and how he and Auron were sucked into the giant Sin ass void or whatever that was. Rikku thinks that being near Sin must have affected Tightass’s brain. She claims it’s something to do with Sin’s toxin, but I think Tightass is just messed up to begin with.

Then we get our first Big Plot Twist. Rikku explains that Zanarkand was destroyed by Sin a thousand years ago. “So…no one plays blitzball there,” she adds. I snicker.

We leave this recap with Tightass in denial. He doesn’t believe Zanarkand was destroyed a thousand years ago. Why, he just saw it happen a day ago! Clearly, Tightass has never been in a Square game before.

I am left with only one thought – Tightass is a wanker. I want Auron back.