Cue more insane shit. Sin flails around in FMV mode with its mouth hanging open, as a migraine-inducing sphere of light appears below it. From a distance, we see the Convenience travel through some trippy blue light and into Sin’s mouth. On deck, everyone whoooooas at the pretty colors. The migraine light envelops the entire screen, and the ship is suddenly floating among clouds and pyreflies, as the creepy pyrefly chorus echoes in the background. Asian!Rikku bounces around way too giddily until a creepy laugh rings out. Suddenly, an enormous translucent Seymour face appears, growing bigger until the eyeball passes through the ship. It disappears just as suddenly, leaving the party to make confused sounds, like they couldn’t even figure out that it was Seymour. I wish I could be that ignorant — then I wouldn’t need the scalding shower or the wire brush.

A single eye, lidless, wreathed in flame.

The next shot is of the ship, sitting on the…um…”ground” as Tightass calls out for his dad, expecting the guy to just go “I’m over here!” “We must go to him, dumbass,” Auron informs him. “Then we will!” Tightass screeches. “Let me take front!” Thankfully, everyone ignores him, moving on ahead and leaving him behind. I have to take heart in these small anti-Tightass moments, now that everyone has lost their brains and gotten a giant hard-on for him. “Follow me!” he wanks pointlessly from the back of the group.

Luckily, there just so happens to be a save point inside Sin. Well, I’ll be. This means that not only can I build levels and save my game, but everyone can return to the airship, fly back out of Sin, and go gallivanting about Spira some more. Of course, I don’t do this since I just want to finish the damn game, but it’s still funny and totally anticlimactic.

As you would expect, the inside of Sin isn’t exactly consistent with the inside of a giant sea creature. Even so, it makes the inside of Monstro look like an exact anatomical representation of a whale. First of all, there are no internal organs or sphincters, but instead swirling clouds and watery pathways surrounded at points by spirals (GET IT?!) made of Yevon symbols. Of course the party also encounters treasure chests and palette-swapped versions of (for the most part) normal Spiran fiends. I don’t exactly have a great time finding my way around, since the map forms as I walk and I get ambushed by fiends every few steps. Final dungeons filled with obscene numbers of random battles make me cry. Finally, I turn to the strategy guide for assistance, something I should have done way earlier. The scary shot of Seymour disturbed me to the point of retardation.

At the northern end of this area, which means the party is traveling toward the ass, they find a set of stairs with a save point next to it. Almost like there’s some sort of boss battle coming up or something. The party ascends the stairs to find a platform with a trio of fancy wheels at the far end. The wheels each have four different colored orbs which correspond to the colors of the elements (although both water and ice are very similar shades of blue — thanks again, game designers), giving me somewhat of an idea of what to expect in the next battle. Suddenly, the Creepy Child Molestor Synthesizer starts arpeggiating all over the damn place, signalling that — gasp! — it’s time for another showdown with Seymour. Since the Magical Foreshadowing Wizard all but shoved this up my ass in the last several hours, I can’t say I’m reeling from shock here.

What the game designers are smoking.

Sure enough, Seymour appears in front of the wheels, laughing disturbingly. Tightass seems surprised to see Maester Pedophile, since he was apparently not privy to the MFW ass-reaming. Also, he’s dumb as a rock. I’m going to say something here that will stun you, however: Seymour’s voice has become even creepier. Yes, I know, but hear me out. Instead of his mild Winnie-the-Pooh speech, he now has this whispery tone which makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. He blathers on about how he is Sin’s chosen one, and he’s a part of Sin, etc. until Tightass points out that “Sin just absorbed you.” I have to give him credit for that one. See, I’m not always biased. Seymour’s voice grows more powerful now, and — wait for it — creepier as he announces his plans to eventually make Sin his puppet. I wonder what Yu Yevon would say about that. “Since you were gracious enough to dispose of Yunalesca…the only means of destroying Sin is forever gone.” He begins morphing into Boss Mode while his voice gets all echo-y and metallic. His bragging is cut short as Tightass points out that they can kick his ass. Well, I’m not so sure about the Tightass part of it, but I’m sure there is some combination of party members that can do the job. “By all means, try!” Seymour screeches, totally sounding like Griff from Back to the Future II. He doesn’t whip out a badass hoverboard, though, unfortunately. Out of his ass, he says that they should be glad — by killing them, he’s saving Tightass’s dad. Because they totally didn’t come there to kill Jecht in the first place. Dumbass.

Since this is the final fight with Seymour, thank God, the composers have cooked up some special Pedophile Techno for us to enjoy. Meanwhile, Seymour completes his transformation into something clear with wings. Yes, we’re back to wings again. He’s not anywhere near as scary or fucked-up as his previous battle forms, since the game designers put all their effort into designing the Wheels of Elements. The wheels work as you would expect — each one points an element toward Seymour, and when the three are the same (which they are for this particular battle), they determine Seymour’s elemental alignment. So I’m supposed to attack him with the opposite element. Kind of like a particular battle I already fought in this game. Seriously, this is so twelfth hour.

I spend most of the battle casting null spells with Yuna and elemental spells with Lulu. Of course, Seymour gets to cast four spells in a row, meaning that after de-nullifying everyone, he still gets in one hit. Unfair! Then he fucking casts Ultima on me. Wow, a boss toward the end of the game who casts Ultima — how do they come up with these revolutionary ideas?! Of course, since I am totally buff and cool (and not using Tightass), I live through it. Take that, asshole! Finally, the pedo explodes in a dramatic display of lights and sparklies. This morphs him back into his “normal” form so that he can have a proper death scene, as befits the second-to-main villain. Seymour staggers to his knees, whining, as Wakka reminds Yuna that she’s supposed to send him. I would make a snide comment about him insulting her intelligence, but I think you see where I’m going with this.

Yuna dances around, whirling her staff every which way. “So it is you, after all, who will send me,” Seymour comments. Please. Who the hell else would it be besides the freaking Mary Sue? Yuna ignores him, continuing to flail around. “But even after I am gone, Spira’s sorrow will prevail,” he proclaims. I don’t believe there’s a Sorrow Mallet, but it at least qualifies for some kind of tool. Heh. “Tool.” Anyway, regardless of whether or not the group defeats Sin, at least the children of Spira will be able to live without fear. Well, fear of molestation anyway. They could still be destroyed by a magical sea beast, but that’s not as bad. Seymour dissolves into pyreflies and a column of light, as the camera follows their path up into the heavens. Hm. That’s not where I expected him to go. “Sin will be right behind you,” Tightass comments, giving me yet another mental image that will cause me to wake at night, screaming.

Now the group randomly finds themselves on a blocky pathway surrounded by blocky walls. No, they have not teleported into FFVII. Okay, I guess I can buy swirly clouds, but I’m not sure what this futuristic maze-type area is doing inside a monster. If there can be a city on its head, there can be a labyrinth in its intestinal tract, I suppose. A glyph on a nearby wall informs me that this particular side path will open after I defeat ten fiends. A quick consult of the strategy guide tells me that there are two more doorways to open, meaning I must defeat thirty fiends total. Well shit. I read further to find out that the doorways lead only to another weapon for Wakka. Screw that, then. I think I can beat Sin just fine without wasting my time fighting random crap for freaking Wakka.

Speaking of fighting random crap, that’s what I get to do repeatedly as I wind my way through the area. When I get closer to my destination, various columns start shooting up out of the ground. They don’t really do anything (like kill Tightass horribly) and they only serve to get in my way, so I think the game designers were just being sadistic bastards here. Well, more than usual, anyway. Just for the record, I do manage to get lost along the way. What are the odds? At last, I reach my destination — a save point in front of a pathway that leads straight ahead.

The save point informs me that I am at the Tower of the Dead. I don’t know if that refers to the area I just completed — which doesn’t in any way resemble a tower — or the next part I’m about to face. Namely, the enormous phallic structure that comes crashing to earth, nearly crushing Tightass. I got a little giddy just thinking about that. The crushing, not the oversized schlong. Anyway, the giant penis has Yevon symbols all over it, so I’m going to refer to it as Sin’s wang. As the wang penetrates the earth, it knocks Tightass down and kicks up a whole shitload of dust. Tightass recovers and approaches the wang, as the camera pans up to show us the entire length. Just so we understand how freaking gigantic it is. Tightass rubs a purple orb at the base of the penis, which magically transports him to the next fucked up area.

Now, as much as I describe things as “fucked up,” you may be desensitized to the term. But I can’t think of any other part of this game that warrants that description as much as what happens next. I mean, a puzzle, a battle, a freaking mini-game — they could have put anything here and it would make more sense. Basically, Tightass finds himself in the cracked-out Northern Lights/shrubbery/orb area where he originally hallucinated the ghosts of Operation Mi’ihen. There are no dead people there now, however. Well, except for Auron. So does this mean that the people from Operation Mi’ihen ended up in Sin — hence the name “Tower of the Dead”? I could have accepted that whole sequence as a random moment of drug flashbacks, but then I actually ended up in this location. My brain goes crazy trying to connect the earlier hallucination to my current visit, but then I realize that I’m working under the assumption that the game designers actually had an idea of what this all means. What is more likely is that they just re-used one of their random locations because of laziness (see also: FFX-2). I guess I can sleep at night, having finally figured that out.

But wait! I haven’t even described what the hell I have to do to move on to the next part of the game. Seriously, wait until you hear this. Tightass has to collect crystals that appear on the ground every so often, while avoiding phallic spikes that occasionally burst from the ground, trying to impale him. You may thank me for that mental image. If he does get reamed by a glowy spike, the party has to fight a fiend. Also, the crystals give me items that I don’t need at this point. Once Tightass collects ten crystals, he moves on to the next area. I have no idea what this has to do with anything — it’s just filler. I know there are some of you out there who think I’m exaggerating when I say the game designers are on drugs. And while I do admit exaggerating certain things for the sake of humor, I can say in all seriousness that inventing this kind of — God, I can’t even think of any way to describe just how insane this shit is — well, it requires some strong substances.

Just…God damn.

Once Tightass obtains the last crystal, the random teleportation Gods raise him up in the air as a white screen brings us to…our final destination! There is a brief shot of some sort of stadium over a swirling vortex of glowing clouds. Then, the camera pans slowly over the group so we can see their reactions. Tightass in particular looks pissed off. We find out why in a moment.

Everyone stands on a short stone walkway that ends in a large, decorated circular platform. The platform is suspended over the swirling clouds, making it even with the ruined stadium seats. Surrounding everything is the ruins of a city. What city could it be?! And who is that standing in the center of the circle? Why, it’s Jecht. Finally. He looks as normal as ever, if a half-naked, scarred, and tattooed body, and a mullet can be considered “normal.” Depends on where you live, I suppose. My point is, he’s clearly not in whatever his Final Aeon form is. All of the surroundings look extremely familiar, and I’m pretty sure this is where the trippy underwater Wankese scene took place in Part 1. I don’t want to even think about what this means. I’ve clearly spent way too much time thinking about this shit already, and it’s only going to get weirder.