So it’s sunset in Kilika, and a big tidal wave looms on the horizon. Cut to a couple of kids kicking a blitzball around as their mom holds a baby nearby. You know this is going to end badly. Sure enough, the tidal wave casts a shadow over their play area, and the doomed family looks up to see, well, the last thing they’ll ever see. The wave destroys the village (in a very graphically impressive way), and all sorts of badly motion-captured people are pulled to their doom. As a bunch of woodchips spiral around Sin (yeah, I’m not sure either), we see the blitzball float past…without its owner. We’re supposed to be all sad and stuff, but I barely have time to react before more Wankese is forced upon me.

“When Sin attacked Zanarkand that day, I woke up in Spira,” Tightass summarizes for those of us who have had our heads up our asses for the last two and a half hours. “I kept hoping it would work in reverse, too.” I just kept hoping he would shut up and/or die. Fade in on Yuna, who is vowing to defeat Sin because she’s all newly determined after witnessing the horror inflicted upon the motion-capturedly challenged Kilikans. Tightass’s head is in her lap, and it’s not as dirty as it sounds, but it still makes me feel sick. There’s more ungodly Wankese. “I was just fooling myself. Maybe it was that day…on the sea, under the burning sun…I started to give up hope. I was in a foreign world. I wasn’t going home. This was my new reality, and I was stuck in it for good.” Okay, I’m just pissed off now. Didn’t he say, about an hour before, how he was not going to worry about where he was anymore?” What happened to that promise? Why did I get my hopes up?

Then the little map screen appears, with the exact same dotted line as before, this time with a blinking dot and a cursor pointing to “Kilika Port”. Yes, we already know. Softcore pornographic Kenny G music plays in the background as Yuna runs off the boat. She introduces herself to some people on the dock. “If there is no other summoner here, please allow me to perform the sending,” she says. Like Tightass, we have no freakin’ clue what a sending is just yet, but we will soon. The lady on the dock says that they were afraid their loved ones would become fiends, and they lead Yuna, Lulu, and Kimahri offscreen. Tightass stares dumbly after them, and Wakka, just having finished a doobie, walks up and says, “We’ll go see what we can do to help in town.” “Huh?” replies Tightass. Wakka doesn’t even dignify that with a response as he and the Aurochs run off the boat. Joy of joys, I get control of Tightass again.

You and me both, pal.

Not much is going on in Kilika, apart from it having just been destroyed by Sin. There are still a fair amount of huts left standing, so it’s not like the whole village was just washed into the sea, as you would expect. The remaining townsfolk have managed to light a crapload of torches (thank Yevon those didn’t get destroyed), and are now gathered around watching Yuna do something. Tightass approaches Lulu, who is lurking in the back of the crowd because she probably doesn’t want everyone staring at her rack.

Yuck.

“Uh, what’s a ‘sending’? Are we going somewhere?” he asks stupidly. Lulu sighs in exasperation. “You truly are clueless,” she tells him, “Are you sure it’s just your memory that’s the problem?” I get tears of happiness in my eyes. Once again, Lulu gets this week’s “Ripping on Tightass” award. She explains that the dead envy the living, and need to be sent to the Farplane, otherwise their envy turns to hate and they become fiends. How comforting. So all those wolves and birds and flans are just a bunch of dead people who had anger management issues?

The camera switches to Yuna, who is bowing to some old guy. She turns, and approaches the water. Suddenly, she becomes an FMV! This is one of the niftiest scenes in the whole game, and it’s obvious that Square was getting a kick out of playing with their new graphics toys. Yuna walks onto the water. That’s right, she can walk on the water, just like Jesus. Also like Jesus, she dances on the water, swinging her staff around, as a tribal-sounding version of the theme we heard in the temple plays in the background. Okay, so Jesus didn’t do that, but I was trying to do a smooth segue. It didn’t work. We see that the bodies of Sin’s victims are floating underwater, in some kind of caskets. Wow, that was some quick preparatory work, there. Tightass and Lulu watch from the dock (oops, I almost wrote “cock” — what does that say about me?), where a bunch of badly motion-captured FMV people are crying, and you can totally tell that Tightass wants a piece of Yuna. I mean here she is, dancing on the water above a bunch of dead people, sending their souls (in the form of iridescent little sparkly lights) to the Farplane, and all Tightass can think about is how he wants to get into Yuna’s pants. He’s a wanker. Meanwhile, hundreds of Yuna fangirls memorize the dance so they can perform it at anime convention masquerades all around the world.

The dance ends, and Yuna morphs back into regular gameplay mode. Tightass actually shows a moment of empathy for another human being when he says that being a summoner must be difficult. Lulu brushes him off, saying that Yuna knew the consequences when she became a summoner, and all her guardians can do is protect her until the end. This is Giant Hint #3 that the end of the journey really is the end for Yuna. “Until the…end? What’s the end?” Tightass wanks. He says it loud enough that everyone on the dock turns around to stare at him. Lulu looks completely mortified to be associating with him, as is expected. She sighs and says, “Until she defeats Sin.” And then she walks over to Yuna. Unfortunately the camera continues to focus on Tightass, who is at least looking embarrassed. “Oh,” he wanks.

Another nod to the fanboys.

Yuna approaches Lulu. “I hope…I hope I did okay,” Yuna says. I’m sure all the people whose loved ones died hope so as well. That seems like the type of ritual you wouldn’t want to screw up. Lulu puts her arms around Yuna and pulls her closer to her chest. Millions of fanboys across the land become excited and start searching the web for FFX lesbian porn — eventually finding this site, where they are sorely disappointed. Lulu reassures Yuna that the souls have reached the Farplane. “But…no tears next time, hm?” she finishes.

Damn Tightass straight to the closest thing to hell that Spira has to offer, for he again starts in with the Wankese. We couldn’t even go ten minutes without hearing that shit. “I wished there would never be a next time. No more people being killed by Sin. No more sendings for Yuna. Everyone stood there watching her. It was strange, and somehow…horrifying.” Yes, but you are also standing there watching her, you stupid wanker! And it’s a million times as horrifying, trust me! “I never wanted to see it again,” he wanks on. I never want to see Tightass again.

It abruptly switches to the “goodnight” music where we get to hear Tightass snoring. I never want anything to simulate in any way what it would be like to be next to Tightass in bed. I feel a deep hatred for Square at this moment.

He wants to be manhandled by a bunch of guys underwater.

The next morning, a rather contented little tune plays in the background. I guess life is back to normal for the dumbasses who decided to live by the water. Outside the inn, Datto, one of the Besaid Aurochs, runs up to Tightass and says that “Cap’n Wakka” is waiting for him. That doesn’t stop Tightass from exploring the village where he saves a kid from a collapsing boardwalk and buys armor and stuff.

Well, sitting around on your ass seems like it would be a good start.

Tightass finds Wakka standing on the boardwalk, doing nothing, just watching the Aurochs fixing up stuff. He must have hidden the blitzbong when Tightass approached. “Aurochs! Huddle!” Wakka yells, and the dudes jump down in unison. Well, there are only three of them, but I guess that’s good enough. Wakka announces that it’s time to go to the temple to pray for victory. Yeah, screw all this “helping people rebuild” shit, let’s go pray for a victory in a damn sport! Wakka randomly explains that High Summoner Ohalland used to live in the temple, and he was a great blitzball player. As if that makes it okay or something. Tightass seems to agree with me — one of the scariest things I’ve ever experienced. “Is this really the time?” he asks. “This is the only time!” Wakka insists. He believes that blitzball is the only thing that can relieve the pain and suffering of the people, and that’s why it’s been around so long. “At least that’s what I think,” he finishes. And we all know that he’s taking mind-altering substances, so draw your own conclusions. Tightass is still doubtful, but it doesn’t matter, because he’s going to the damn temple anyway.

Yuck.

Of course getting to the temple can’t be simple. Nope, they have to travel through a jungle filled with fiends. Damn it. Yuna, Lulu, and Kimahri are waiting at the jungle for them. “What’s up?” Wakka asks. “Yuna’s saying she wants you with us,” Lulu informs Tightass. I just lost all respect for Yuna. Unless she just wants him around for comic relief. “Huh?” Tightass wanks. “YUNA’S SAYING SHE WANTS YOU WITH US!!” Lulu says loudly, smacking him in the head with her mog doll. Not really, but I think it would add to the scene. Yuna asks Tightass to be her guardian. Wakka warns against it. “Yuna! What? This is no time for jokes, ya? He may be a blitzball whiz kid, but up against fiends, he’s a newbie. And he’s a wanker.” “Not a guardian, then…I just want him nearby,” Yuna replies. I look for that pen I tried stabbing myself with earlier, but I can’t find it. I’m forced to use a dull pencil instead. Wakka gets this look on his face that is a mix between stoned and surprised, and Tightass runs up to Yuna. “What? What do you mean?” Before Yuna has a chance to proclaim her undying and sudden love for him, Lulu cuts her off. “We’re all going to the temple anyway. Can’t this wait till later?” Lulu is my hero.

Best Wakka expression ever.

Of course Yuna has to apologize to Tightass, even though she didn’t do anything wrong. “There’s nothing to be sorry about. I’m just not really sure what’s going on,” he replies. Like that’s a big fucking shock. Yuna apologizes again. Ugh.

Finally, the party starts on their journey through the jungle. There is a wondrous tutorial about Kimahri’s lancet ability, which allows him to learn fiends’ attacks…but only certain ones, and he can only use them during his overdrive. Damn it.

Partway through the jungle, the party happens upon Luzzu and Gatta, our two scarily-dressed Crusader friends. Man, these guys are everywhere. Just beyond them is a big plantlike fiend that FF veterans will recognize as an Ochu. Or, as Luzzu and Gatta refer to it, Lord Ochu. “We could throw a hundred Crusaders at it and still lose,” Luzzu informs them. Okay, I’ll concede that it’s stronger that the other fiends I’ve been fighting, but for Yevon’s sake, it’s not that difficult. I don’t know if this fight is optional or not, but I go for it anyway, and beat it, leaving Luzzu and Gatta in awe of my strength. Yeah, I know certain party members are really cool (everyone except for Tightass), but they’re not that spectacular. I have to conclude that the Crusaders just suck.

Once again, they allude to the upcoming Crusader operation but give us no information whatsoever. Luckily, I don’t care. The two Crusaders walk off, with Gatta singing, “Young Crusaders gather round” to the tune of that army marching song. John, who walked into the room at this point, sings in reply, “We’re the gayest freaks in town.” (note: the Crusaders, not him and me)

Although Luzzu and Gatta went north, as soon as I have control over the game again, they’re standing to the south of me. What the…? How did they get back there so quickly? And, more importantly, why?

Well, my tape ran out, so that’s a pretty good sign that I should end the recap. Of course, I could make stuff up, but that wouldn’t be kosher. Oh hell, let’s just pretend that Tightass died. That should give you a warm and fuzzy feeling to tide you over till the next recap.