As Tightass and the others watch the action from the cliff, Auron suddenly yells, “Look out!” and runs to the side. He’s obviously familiar with Sin’s attacks, seeing as how he’s already helped to defeat it once. Indeed, we see a Sin ass shot (I’ve lost count of the number of ass shots in the game — sorry) as it (Sin, not Sin’s ass) unleashes this big scary magical-looking attack. It pretty much disintegrates the Crusaders who are fighting sinspawn on the shore. That sucks.

Thanks, Sin.

We cut to Yuna lying on the cliff, all alone. Whether she passed out, or just hit the deck when Sin did his mega-attack, we don’t know. She is alive, however, and she looks up to see that the sinspawn she and the others fought earlier is still alive as well and is attacking. Seymour is the only one facing it, although we see that Auron is standing nearby Yuna. I like how the battle is none of his concern, as long as it’s only Seymour Pedophile and not Yuna in danger. Both Auron and Yuna walk over to help Seymour, as soon as Yuna is on her feet.

This time Auron is surprisingly the most useless character in the battle. The sinspawn doesn’t have as many HP as before, and Seymour’s kick-ass second level black magic spells kill it in three or four hits. Yuna can heal. Auron just stands there looking cool. Hey, I’m not complaining. The battle is a lot shorter this time around, thank God. Afterwards, everyone gains experience, even Seymour. I don’t know if this is supposed to be a fake-out or what, but Seymour is never again a playable character, so it’s totally pointless.

Yuna looks around for the others after the battle, but only finds Sin doing more damage to the people fighting it. There’s an FMV of Seymour and Yuna watching as an Al Bhed dude uses this huge machina laser thing to shoot Sin. It looks like it just might pop Sin’s forcefield bubble thingy. Unfortunately for him and everyone else in the area, something goes wrong and the machina blows up. Things just aren’t going well for Operation Mi’ihen.

The screen goes white for about ten minutes and then we fade back in on the smoky wreckage of machina, Crusaders, and Al Bhed. It’s not a pretty sight. Speaking of things that aren’t pretty, the camera zooms in on Tightass, lying facedown on the beach, moaning and grunting. This goes on for another ten minutes and it’s really gross. The camera pans over the dead people some more, as the Hymn of the Fayth plays in the background. Tightass gets up and checks all the bodies, getting such descriptions as “Staring at the sky, lifeless” and “Instant, painless death.” Why do they have to get all fancy about it? Just say “Dead,” for cripes sakes. At last, he finds Gatta — freaking out, but still alive. Damn it! I couldn’t even manage to kill off that little bastard. I know it can be done. I screwed up somewhere. Damn, damn, damn!

The horror!

The screen goes white again, and there’s another FMV of Sin turning tail and swimming away, its carnage completed for the day. Then the screen goes white again. Is all this really necessary? Then we see the most disturbing shot in the entire recap — Tightass from the crotch down with Gatta in the background. Ew! Pan up to Tightass’s face. “Don’t you run away from me!” he wanks at his old man as he runs toward the ocean.

The Music of Unprevented Tragedy plays as Yuna continues surveying the area. “Everyone, stand back! I’ll summon!” she calls desperately. I mean, we obviously know that she’s desperate since she likes Tightass, but I thought I’d describe it anyway. Seymour tells her it’s pointless to try summoning because she’s still too weak, but Yuna wants to do something. Maybe she could summon something to kill Tightass. Yes, that’s a good idea. Yuna starts to summon, and Seymour says, “You can’t!” in his non-pedophile voice. Yuna stops and looks at him. Damn it, I was hoping she’d go through with my plan. I guess that’s too much to hope for, really. Crap.

The next scene is Tightass swimming and swimming out in the ocean. Fortunately, we can’t hear him grunt, moan, or say “Huh?” underwater, but unfortunately, there’s still Wankese. “I have no idea what I was thinking when I ran after Sin that day. But before I knew what I was doing, there I was chasing him down like a thief at market.” What the fuck? That has to be the stupidest Wankese yet. I didn’t know they had open-air bazaars in Zanarkand. “Maybe I was angry, maybe I wanted to go home. Maybe…I was a wanker. I kept thinking of Zanarkand, and my old man. That’s because practically the only things I thought about in the entire game so far were Zanarkand and my old man.”

…The hell?

Then the screen goes white yet again. Jeebus Cripes. The music and everything else gets all trippy. The background looks like a night sky with the Northern Lights on fast forward, and in the foreground is a crystalline-looking tree with a glowing orb in it. And there is some shrubbery in the area. No, I’m not smoking crack. Translucent people walk around the area, including Luzzu. I guess these are supposed to be the people that died in Operation Mi’ihen. Again — what the fuck? Of course, a drug trip wouldn’t be complete without the Mysterious Disappearing Kid from the beginning. And there he is. He shakes his head and then it looks like he shits out a spinning blitzball as he walks away. The blitzball flies into the camera. Then — dear God — the screen goes white again. I feel like I’m playing Final Fantasy VII.

The blitzball flies onto a boat. It’s Tightass’s houseboat. Tightass is a kid, and the picture is all dream sequency, like we couldn’t figure out that it’s a hallucination. We hear Jecht’s voice, and then Mini-Wank says, “They say you don’t practice anymore, that you’re gonna retire.” “Let them talk. I’m still the best,” Jecht retorts. Tightass says that people think Jecht isn’t good anymore because he drinks all the time. A translucent Crusader walks through Tightass. Yes, you read that correctly. Jecht’s all, “I can quit whenever I want” and Tightass is all, “Then quit now” and Jecht’s all, “Um…I don’t wanna.” “Why do today what you can leave for tomorrow?” are Jecht’s words of wisdom. Then Tightass starts crying again. Surprise. Jecht gives him shit. I laugh. The screen goes white again. Now it’s my turn to cry, only I’m less pathetic than Tightass.

Yuck.

The Wankese continues. “I thought I sensed my old man there.” Yes, that was Jecht in the last scene, dumbass. “Somewhere…Or maybe it was just Sin’s toxin playing tricks on my mind.” Oh, not the damn toxin excuse again. Now Tightass is lying on his back on the beach. He sits up, with his legs open toward the camera. Gag. “How many died today?” Tightass wanks on, as we see Yuna dancing, performing the sending. “People die, and Yuna dances. When will she stop dancing? When will it stop? Yuna won’t stop dancing–not until Sin is gone.” Then he finishes with a classically stupid line: “Those were my thoughts then…I think.” How idiotic is that?

Tightass looks up to see Auron standing nearby. “I see you’re still here,” the legendary guardian says, disappointment in his voice. “Huh?” Tightass wanks. “Many stories ended here today…But…Yours goes on, I see.” Auron is turned away from Tightass as he says this, and you can so tell that he was hoping Tightass would have died, too. Poor Auron — he’s still stuck watching over the wanker. “What?” Tightass says as Auron walks away. Then he gets up and walks a short distance. “Sin had come and gone,” he says in Wankese, “but I remained here.”

And on that totally obvious and pointless note, this recap has come to an end.