Clasko randomly gives Tightass a Friend Sphere, making sure to explain that he found it in a chocobo nest, most likely among chocobo droppings, so that Tightass doesn’t assume that the two of them are actually friends. Clasko either gets a hankering for some chocobo lovin’ or is just sick of talking to Tightass (or both) because he suddenly takes his leave of Tightass, claiming he has to “feed the chocobos”. Tightass is all, “But I want to talk to yoooooooou.” But no. Clasko takes off with horny chocobo in tow, leaving Tightass alone and sad on the deck of the ship.
Loading ...The rest of the NPC dialogue on the S.S. Manhandler is all filler, and I decide against talking to everyone in Kilika because the task of conversing with every NPC in the game is way too daunting for me with all the other crap I have to do. So it’s back to the airship, where Tightass gets beamed down to Luca. The next Jecht sphere is in the basement next to the locker room, which is appropriate since the Ambiguously Gay Trio had lots of sweaty buttsex in the locker room the sphere is related to blitzball. But first, there’s a “What the Fucking Fuck” moment where Auron spends an inordinate amount of time recording a seagull sitting on a crate. Either he’s been into Jecht’s stash, or the game designers themselves were a little too fascinated with the birdie, but either way, the moment is interrupted by Jecht asking Auron if he taped the last blitzball match. Auron did, although he’s confused as to why Jecht wanted him to do so, since blitzball exists in Jecht’s Zanarkand. “Not a sportsman, are ya?” Jecht asks. Auron is way too cool for blitzball, which is yet another reason why I want to have my necrophiliac way with him. From offscreen, a seductive Braska asks, “Working on your form?” We can only assume that he is checking out Jecht’s nearly naked, muscular form. Jecht reminds his luvah that he’s the “great Jecht” and no way in hell does he need any improvements whatsoever. Nope, he wants to show the sphere to his wanker son, which makes me wonder why in the hell Jecht didn’t get off his fat ass and tape the game himself. It’s too depressing to think that he and Braska went off for a quickie in the locker room and left poor Auron by himself taping the stupid game, but that’s the direction my sick mind goes.
Braska is surprised to find out that Jecht’s loser kid plays blitzball. Jecht relays a particularly pathetic story about Tightass refusing to speak to him for a week after Jecht told him to quit blitzball. Hell, I’d be telling him to quit blitzball all the time if it would shut him up. God damn, who knew it was that easy? Jecht wonders what Tightass is doing at that moment, although it’s not like he has that many activities to choose from: whining or whining. “I hope he got bigger and put on some muscle,” Jecht says with loads of wrong. When Auron walks forward, continuing to film Jecht, McWankerson Sr. throws a hissy and tells Auron to turn off the fucking camera already. But it’s too late — his horrible comment can’t be erased or forgotten.
‘…but only if he’s not a complete asshat. So, we’re going to have to turn you in.’
Since I hate myself, I make Tightass head into the locker room and talk to the Aurochs. They all asskiss Yuna because it’s only been a few minutes since someone pointed out how cool Yuna is. Jassu, whose name I always read as “Jesus” for some reason, says that he knew Yuna was half Al Bhed but never said anything to Wakka. I think it’s awesome that everyone pretty much knew this, even random fucking Aurochs. But Wakka is such a huge dumbass, he’d never heard about the High Summoner’s Al Bhed wife, even though it was this huge scandal.
Time to head to the Mi’ihen Dirtroad. The next Jecht sphere is located at a dead end on the old part of the road. For some inexplicable reason, I don’t rent a chocobo and end up fighting sixteen trillion random battles. I can’t go on with my life until I come up with a good explanation for this, so I’m just going to chalk it up to being choco-phobic after watching that last horrid scene with Clasko. A few moments later, Tightass kills something small and easy and loudly wanks, “Ya like that?!” again. The wank jogs my memory and reminds me that I skipped the chocobo in order to build Tightass’s levels and capture fiends. That’s even more depressing than the first explanation. Obviously my brain is trying to block out these traumatizing memories.
Moving on. The Jecht sphere involves a battle of some sort, because the camera spins around wildly and we can hear the boss battle music playing in the background. Like everything else, the music hasn’t changed in ten years. Braska exposits about a fiend that eats chocobos, so we know we’re dealing with the incident that Auron mentioned way back when. Jecht is all “Let me at ‘im!!!” and he’s not talking about Braska or Auron. Speaking of Auron, he finally stops twirling the camera around and focuses on Jecht. When Auron complains about wasting their time on this two-tongued beastie (insert Ambiguously Gay Trio joke involving two tongues here), Jecht proclaims, “It’s the right thing to do! Everyone’s depending on us.” JUST LIKE TIGHTASS SAID EARLIER. GET IT?! Someone chuckles, and both Auron and Braska agree to go kick ass. Suddenly, the camera falls to the ground as if Auron just got caught by the Blair Witch, while we hear Jecht screaming about the Chocobo Eater. The last thing we see is Auron’s legs running by and Braska’s crotch as he turns off the camera. Ah, home movies.
Everyone on the Dirtroad whines about the Warrior Monks disappearing from the vicinity. I didn’t even remember that there were Warrior Monks in that area previously, which shows how much I care and how much of a bearing this has on the story. I walk through the gateway where Seymour first showed his interest in Yuna, and over to the former command center of Operation Mi’ihen where the next Jecht sphere awaits. Shit, I didn’t even know the AGT even went that far out of the way.
Oh, but this isn’t a Jecht sphere. This is Auron’s sphere. Kinoc set up the camera to record the final conversation between him and Auron ten years ago. Auron’s Porno Theme plays in the background, which means there’s probably a fanfiction about this and I’m never sleeping again. The game designers couldn’t re-use Kinoc’s maester character design for ten years ago (although they probably wanted to), so they just re-used a generic warrior monk sprite. The two of them make some small talk about Auron guarding Braska (if you know what I mean) for a while and then Auron exposits that Kinoc has been appointed second-in-command. Kinoc graciously comments that Auron, with his vastly superior levels of kickassitude, should have gotten the job. Of course Auron would rather spend time out in the wilderness with hot sexy mens. “You make it sound as if I was going off to die or something,” Auron comments after a particularly morose statement of Kinoc’s. See, it’s totally ironic. Get it?! Because he DOES die?! Auron promises that he will see Kinoc again. Kinoc refrains from pointing out that after the High Summoner defeats Sin, there’s always a guardian that mysteriously goes missing, so it’s not like he’s pulling the possibility of Auron’s death out of his ass. Auron tries to get the hell out of there, but it turns into one of those “no, you hang up first” “no, you hang up first” deals. Finally, Kinoc begs Auron to tell him about Zanarkand when he gets back. The two good friends part ways, only to have one of them die and spend ten years watching over a wanker and the other one become a power hungry religious leader who is ultimately murdered by a pedophile. Good times, good times.
Fast forward to the Moonflow, where the Jecht sphere gives us another flashback to a previously mentioned incident. Yes, I am referring to Jecht molesting the shoopuf. We don’t get to see the drunken Jecht pounding away at the poor beast, but we do see the aftermath. It immediately becomes obvious who recorded this segment, as the camera sloooooowly pans over the pretty pretty pyreflies and pauses on Braska’s ass. After filming that hot beefcake, Auron pans over to Jecht lying in a miserable heap on the ground. The camera fades out….and back in on Jecht, this time closer. Jecht demands to know why Auron is filming him in his current, most likely drunken, state. “So you don’t do anything stupid again,” Auron replies, endearing him to me forever. This line should be my motto. Unfortunately, in real life most people don’t react kindly when given a verbal smackdown for being morons, so I have to live vicariously here. Auron goes on to explain for our benefit just what Jecht did that was so Tightasstastic. And of course, as we already know, Jecht drunkenly attacked the shoopuf and Braska had to pay for the damages. “I said I was sorry. It’s never gonna happen again! I promise!” Jecht insists. Auron is obviously skeptical about this “promise,” having the wondrous talent of “pattern recognition.” Braska takes the opportunity to turn this into a little “good cop, bad cop” by totally fawning over Jecht and wussily accepting the apology. Jecht, emboldened by this glowing review from his main man, decides then and there to never drink again. He tries to hide his feelings for Braska, explaining that he’s doing this for the benefit of his wife and wanker kid, but he never was worried about their opinions of his drinking before, so the truth is quite obvious here. Auron completes this Afterschool Special moment by stating, “That’s on the record.” Fade out. The More You Know.
The tenth and final Jecht sphere is in the Thunder Plains. After playing Fry Tightass With Lightning a while for my sad amusement, I locate and watch the sphere. It opens with Braska and Jecht standing side by side and Auron moving the camera about like a 2-year-old with ADD. Maybe Auron needs to realize the Dangers of Drinkingâ„¢, too. Jecht shrieks at him to hold the camera still, prompting Auron to sigh, “Why [the fuck] am I doing this?” right before shutting the thing off. We realize the answer to that question a moment later, as the camera fades back in on Braska staring off into the distance. Auron is all, “What do you see there, my lord? Are you thinking about me now? How about now? How about now? Now? Now? Now?” Suddenly Jecht appears from behind a lightning rod tower, screaming at them to stop “fooling around.” Don’t be such a fucking hog, Jecht. He’s all on about something important and how they’re ruining it, when a flash of lightning causes him to yell. Auron swings the camera over to show Jecht lying pathetically on the ground, the victim of a lightning strike. Braska is totally worried about his pet, but Auron just keeps filming, snarking, “Now there’s a scene for posterity!” Seriously, how can you not love this guy, even with the stick up his ass? The three of them laugh their way out of the scene. Yeah, that one had no point to it, but it made me laugh. And it earned Auron his final overdrive, Tornado. Rock!
Loading ...I’m rather disappointed that we didn’t get to see any of Auron’s secret spheres, but at least we can check item number 2 off the Side Quest Checklist. At this point, I stop recording footage and build a bunch of levels and capture a ton of monsters. This means that you will miss out on the screaming, swearing, and professing of my ever-increasing hatred of Tightass that accompanied that “fun” little jaunt. Try to deal.
Now, with the….God, I don’t want to say this, but with the improved Tightass (and Rikku), it’s time to take on that dumb fish at the Baaj temple. Upon looking at it closer, I realize it’s not really a fish, but instead a big, mean, tentacled thing with a ribcage that is, quite literally, a cage. Of course no monster could have a design like that and then not have an attack that involves one of the party members getting trapped in the cage. This happens to Rikku. Before the baddie can use its tentacles on her in any number of ways, Wakka attacks, causing it to spit Rikku back into her spot in the battle lineup. Unfortunately, this also kills her for some reason. I love how these people can get sliced with enormous swords, burned, pummeled, and otherwise mutilated, and be just fine, but a God damn sea creature propels them through the water really fast and they die. Whatever. Of course, I remedy this situation and continue to slice, hurl, and punch away. Wakka’s elemental slot overdrive, which I intelligently lined up to use water on a water creature, inexplicably does 9999 damage, killing the tentacled beast. It proceeds to explode, complete with fire and lightning effects underwater.