As Tightass stares a at rather large ruin of what looks like a tower, E!M approaches him and takes the opportunity to provide with a little education. Yevon knows, he needs it. The ruins in question are from an ancient city destroyed by Sin. Who else? “Compared to Sin, humans are mere mudpuppies!” E!M says with feeling. “But I believe that humans are the only ones capable of defeating Sin,” Yuna replies. Oh, way to go there, Ms. Racist, completely ignoring Guados and Ronsos and those other weird-ass things that were playing the instruments in Luca. Only HUMANS are good enough to do anything, is that it? E!M is pleased with her reply. Maybe he’s a hater, too. Whatever the case, he finally introduces himself, but since I already jumped the gun and told you his name and occupation, we don’t really care. He’s on a journey to learn the history of Spira. Incidentally, he just met the wankiest wanker in the whole history of Spira.
According to E!M, the people of Spira are all depressed and crap because of Sin, and he implores Yuna to get rid of Sin so everyone else can be happy. Yeah, make a bunch of freakin’ moochers who don’t bother to do shit for themselves feel better, Yuna, because they sure deserve it.
A little further along the path, Yuna and the others meet up with three people riding armored chocobos. The woman in front introduces herself as Lucil, the captain of the Djose Chocobo Knights, and she has the most painful-looking camel toe we’ve seen since we first met Rikku. That is not the type of outfit I would want to wear if I had to sit in a saddle all day. Ouch. The other lady is Elma, who says that they’re guarding the Dirtroad. They don’t even bother to introduce the guy, so for now, he’s Random Chocobo Guy. Lucil warns them of a giant fiend in the area that eats chocobos, and tells Yuna to be careful when renting chocobos. Well, I think that perhaps Lucil and her pals should worry about themselves, seeing as how Yuna and her guardians are all walking and there’s no chocobo-renting station in sight. But whatever.
Lucil and the other knights ride off. Tightass stands there, thinking. Or whatever action applies in Tightass’s case — “thinking” might be an exaggeration. He comes up with a brilliant solution: “Let’s go get him!” Auron wants to know why. “It’s the right thing to do,” Tightass wanks. How right is it for Tightass to decide that when everyone else would end up doing the actual fighting because Tightass is stupid and useless? Auron just starts laughing at him again. “It’s the right thing to do?” he mocks. I don’t understand why people say Auron has no sense of humor. “What’d I say now?” Tightass whines. As if he has to ask; everything he says is laugh-inducing. “Jecht said that a lot, too,” Auron replies. “And every time he said it, it meant trouble for Braska and me. You’re just as stupid as your father, you ignorant wanker.” Yuna giggles in the background.
A few random battles later, Yuna and company happen upon a lady wearing a green dress and saucer things on the sides of her head that give her a vaguely Princess Leia-type look. She’s a summoner named Belgemine, but you know I’m not going to call her that. Yuna introduces herself, and Leia knows right away who Yuna’s dad was. Unlike Dona, Leia is not a jealous bitch, and her aeon battle challenge is offered in order to help Yuna become stronger. Yuna accepts the challenge. Unfortunately, Yuna still sucks as a summoner, so her Valefor is no match against Leia’s Ifrit. Apparently, one aeon can be summoned by a lot of different summoners, and its stats are dependent upon its summoner’s. Well, whatever, but the point is that two different summoners can’t summon one aeon at the same time. Until this point, Yuna has never been blocked from summoning an aeon, so that leads me to believe that no one else in Spira ever summons anything. I mean, what are the odds?
Even though Yuna lost badly, Leia is convinced that she shows promise. Yuna is just as certain that Leia will be able to defeat Sin before she will. “I cannot. Or should I say…I was not able to,” Leia says, a statement that has more profound meaning than we yet realize. After assuring Yuna that they’ll meet again in the future, Leia walks away. She’s completely gone a few seconds later. Maybe she’s hiding behind the big pillar thing, because it’s not like she could’ve gotten far.
A completely random lady and her kid approach Yuna. The kid, Calli, asks Yuna if she’s going to bring the Calm. Oh, yay, another Spiran term that we don’t know! Yuna says that she will. I wish fervently that “Calm” means “slow, painful death for Tightass,” but sadly, it doesn’t. Calli’s mom says that she, too, is looking forward to the Calm, and wishes Yuna and her guardians luck. Then she walks away. What this rather pointless encounter demonstrates is how much the random peons of Spira are depending upon Yuna for their happiness. Because, you know, we sure didn’t get that concept already. The other reason for this scene is so that Tightass — and by extension, us (it hurts me to type that) — can learn what the hell the Calm is.
Once again, it’s Lulu who explains. “The Calm is a time of peace. It comes after a summoner defeats Sin, and lasts until Sin reappears.” This confuses Tightass, as is expected. “Sin dies and is reborn,” Yuna clarifies, as if the rest of us haven’t already guessed this turn of events. Tightass finally makes the connection between “Yuna’s dad defeating Sin” and “Hey, Sin is still around.” Then something else clicks in his pea-sized brain. “Wait…If it just comes back…” “Don’t say it isn’t worth it…,” Yuna cuts him off as forcefully as she can manage, “because it is.”
Suddenly, we get a rather gruesome effect — Yuna’s mouth moving as she continues speaking, but Tightass’s Wankese voiceover coming out of her mouth. “Even for a little while…people can sleep in their beds without being afraid. That kind of time is worth anything. Don’t say it isn’t worth it.” As if to hammer the point home, the camera pans over Calli and her mom. Okay, we get it. WE FUCKING GET IT. “Your words that day, Yuna–I remember them well.” Must not…kill self…and then, thankfully, it’s over. Guess what? I still don’t think it’s worth it. So there, Yuna.
Side note — the most annoying thing about fighting Bomb monsters is that they take an ungodly long time to do the “getting bigger” animation. It’s no FFVIII Guardian Force, but it’s still tedious. Just die already.
Speaking of stupid, one of Tightass’s battle phrases is “Don’t break any bones, old man,” referring to Auron. Because a) 35 is so fucking old, and b) Tightass is super qualified to be giving out snotty battle advice. Just die already.
It’s time to meet up with our old friends Luzzu and Gatta. They’re standing in front of a chocobo-led cart. The cart is covered with a green cloth, preventing anyone from seeing what’s inside. I’m guessing sex toys. They direct the cart further down the road. When Tightass catches up to the cart, Luzzu and Gatta are not there. Actually, they’re across the dirt road from the cart. Whatever.
Instead of spilling the beans on whatever the hell is going on with the Crusaders and the mission that’s been alluded to several times already, Gatta and Luzzu congratulate Wakka on the game. Um, he lost, remember? The Chocobo Knights ride over, and Elma tells the two Crusaders to stop being lazy. Gatta tries to make an excuse, but it’s no good. “This mission requires our full attention. We’ve no time to waste! Understood?” Lucil snaps. Luzzu “Yes ma’am”s her and does some salute thing. After the Chocobo Knights ride off, Luzzu teaches Gatta his lesson for today. “See? Keep your head down, say ‘sir’ a lot, and you’ll do fine.” “Right…sir,” Gatta replies, which makes Yuna laugh as if he just said the funniest thing in the world, except he didn’t.
“Hey, Yuna,” Luzzu says. “Even though Yevon rejected us…we still believe in you. That won’t ever change.” Yuna doesn’t ask about the mission, or why they were excommunicated in the first place. But that’s not important. What’s important is that, according to Yuna, Luzzu and Gatta can still save their souls from damnation by not going through with the mission and repenting or whatever. Actually, she never gets to say how they can return to the church, because Gatta cuts her off. “We should be going, sir.” And with that, he and Luzzu run off, stopping only to do some weird gesture that makes no sense. They see that the cart is moving again, and they follow. Yuna and her guardians watch them go, and as the camera fades out, Tightass convulses like he’s either trying to laugh or puke. The sad thing is, someone had to spend time programming that animation.
They, um, have laxatives for that particular problem, Shelinda.
A short time later, Tightass and the others encounter a brainwashed little twit trying to convince a Crusader not to go through with the mysterious mission. The Crusader basically tells her to go fuck herself, and Religious Twit is saddened. Yuna wonders if she’s all right. RT introduces herself as Shelinda, a disciple of Yevon. Wakka asks, “What was that all about? The Crusaders’ operation?” Thank God someone finally asked that question! “You mean the one Gatta and Luzzu were talking about?” Tightass wonders. No, dumbass, the other Crusaders’ mission that’s been mentioned twenty times already. Ugh. “I heard they were going to use forbidden machina! I had to stop them,” Shelinda says. Ha, ha, I’m using machina right now, Shelinda! Bite me! “Huh? Why?” Tightass asks, only he says it in an even whinier, nasal way than usual. How is it possible for him to keep getting more annoying? Lulu has to explain, once again, that machina is forbidden. Auron has his own take on the matter. “Let them use whatever they want. They still won’t defeat Sin.” He’s such a ray of sunshine, isn’t he?
Shelinda won’t have any of this heathen talk! Putting her hands on her hips, she snits, “But, it’s not about defeating Sin! The teachings of Yevon must be upheld!” Wakka agrees with her. Auron adds Wakka to his “List of Annoying Wankers Who Must Die.” Shelinda whines about how no one will listen to her. Well, I wonder why? Why can’t religious fanatics understand that being all in people’s faces about stuff only makes them want to do the exact opposite of whatever you tell them? Is that really such a difficult concept? Shelinda thinks they won’t listen to her because she’s “a lowly acolyte.” No, they won’t listen to you because you’re fucking annoying. Yuna gives her some words of encouragement, saying that she shouldn’t put herself down. People are counting on her! Okay, whatever. Shelinda thanks Yuna for her help, gushing, “Now I feel I have the courage to finish my training.” That Yuna, fixing all the troubles of the world.
Finally, they reach an inn. Auron has the right idea. “We rest here,” he decides. Wakka isn’t happy. “But this is an Al Bhed shop!” he bitches. Auron doesn’t care. Why? Because Auron is cool. “Is that a problem?” he wonders, making it clear that the only problem is Wakka’s stupid attitude. Wakka complains about how the Al Bhed are terrible heathens who don’t believe in the teachings of Yevon, and they kidnapped Yuna in Luca. “Where were her guardians?” Auron wonders. Burn! Someone starts randomly whistling the “oh, shit” tune. Wakka insists that he doesn’t need to stop because he’s not tired. “Well I am,” Auron says, ending all discussion of the matter.
We hear the ungodly Tightass snoring sound and the Goodnight music, but when the camera fades back in, Tightass is in the main part of the inn, saying “As if I could sleep!” I don’t even want to know what those snoring sounds were, then. I mean, I didn’t want to in the first place, but you get my point.
It’s nice to have someone in the party who helps to balance out the increasing wankitude of the plot and the other characters. Would any of us have survived some of the travesties of this recap without Sir Auron’s extreme coolness? I know I wouldn’t. Now where’s that sake?