Tightass stands on the crumbly walkway where he fell into the water, but this time he dives in on purpose. It was funnier to watch him fall in. This time, the other two swimmers accompany him. In another dazzling show of continuity, Tightass looks around while treading water, explaining to the other two that a giant fish attacked him when he last visited. He’s still really bitter over that, so he wants to show the fish who’s boss. And hopefully not like my sick mind just imagined. God, I hate my brain.
At this point, my plans go horribly awry. As you’ll undoubtedly recall, I haven’t used Tightass in battle any more than necessary, so he’s about as buff as Rinoa. Rikku, since she’s a girl and girls can’t fight, is also a giant wuss. Wakka can’t carry the party on his own, so this crew of losers gets wiped out faster than you can say “assrape”. Well, fuck.
Suddenly a horrible realization dawns on me — to get Anima, I will have to build levels with Tightass. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I guess all those times I took God’s name in vain have finally ticked him off a bit, because now I have to pay. I consider not getting Anima, and the thought appeals to me for a moment, but I finally suck it up (not a phrase I want to use when talking about Tightass) and just deal with the situation in order to get the necessary story points. Building levels with Tightass it is. The things I do for you people.
So I abandon the quest for Anima for now, and turn instead to the aeon I should have gotten sooner: Yojimbo. For this, I travel to the Calm Lands and make my way to the valley right before Mt. Gagazet. On the way there, I obviously have to fight numerous random battles, and I’m reminded just why I never want to deal with Tightass in battle ever. “Ya like that?!” he wanks at the end of one battle. I should never have to hear those words come out of his horrid mouth. I fast forward through the rest of the battle footage.
Loading ...This time, I follow the path down into the ravine instead of crossing the second bridge. A cave at the bottom of the path has a convenient save point right next to it. Durr…I wonder if I should go in there? I love how every side quest is either fucking obvious or extremely obscure. There is no gray area.
A cut scene triggers as Tightass approaches the cave. “Where are we?” Rikku squeaks, paddling her hands. As you’ll remember from the last time we visited the Calm Lands, Lulu has a Tragic Backstoryâ„¢ that relates to this area. Therefore, she takes over the Exposition!Reins as she explains, “The fayth is inside.” Well, yes, I already told you all I was getting an aeon here, so I ruined the surprise. “As are the fiends,” she continues. This triggers a strangled gasp from Wakka who realizes much later than the rest of us, “Hey. This where……?” “No. My Tragic Backstoryâ„¢ happened over there,” Lulu responds. Oh, of course this is where “it” happened. Tightass, slow on the uptake as usual is all, “Where? What?” Lulu manages to answer him without forcibly pulling all her hair out at the roots. “The summoner I guarded on my first pilgrimage…died here.” Cue awkward silence. Rikku shakes her head repeatedly, thinking that if Lulu couldn’t handle this place, then they’re all screwed. But it’s too late — they’re going in. The game tediously shows everyone except for Wakka and Lulu entering the cave. Wakka looks Meaningfully at Lulu, because they’re totally going to do it, and then follows the others. Lulu, alone, takes a deep breath to show that This Is Really Hard To Face. Because we totally wouldn’t have gotten that.
Inside the cave, I realize that the game designers kind of expected me to do this part earlier, since the fiends are pretty much equivalent to the ones on Mt. Gagazet. But since I’m (sigh) building levels with Tightass, this is about all I can handle without getting that loser killed…too many times. Yes, I’m actually trying to keep Tightass alive. You don’t have to rub it in. It looks like I’ve found yet another phrase that should never be used when talking about Tightass.
Upon reaching a larger chamber, another cut scene triggers. Rikku looks totally freaked out at this completely average-looking cave (well, it does have pyreflies, but what in Spira doesn’t?) and asks why there’s a fayth in there. “Don’t ask me!” Tightass retorts, since he doesn’t know a God damn thing. It’s up to — surprise! — Lulu to fill her in. I’m sure that someone somewhere just got excited over that sentence. “They say it was stolen from a temple long ago,” Lulu explains. “Huh?” Tightass replies. “Jesus God, how fucking clearer can I say it?” Lulu freaks in my imagination. Actually, Auron says, “With no fayth, summoners cannot train. Without training, they cannot call the Final Aeon. Without the Final Aeon, they cannot defeat Sin. That is why.” Don’t blame him for the detailed explanation — he’s not the dumbass here. Rikku realizes that the purpose of the theft was to prevent the summoner from dying. The camera pans over to Yuna, so that we can be reminded that Rikku and Tightass didn’t and most likely still don’t want her to die even though it’s pretty much a moot point now. Hey, this bold thing really is useful for communicating complicated story details. Thanks, Sam!
“I kind agree with him,” Tightass whispers to Rikku. Rikku emphatically agrees. We get it. Of course let’s ignore the obvious shittiness of the plan, since a) there are plenty of other aeons, and b) this one was optional anyway. Oops! Of course I just like the idea of some random dude dragging a huge-ass statue into the cave, thinking, “THEY’LL NEVER FIND IT NOW!!11!”
There is a random save point in the tunnel, and gosh, I just have no idea why such a thing would be there. Oh noes! It looks like there’s a boss battle! Those game designers caught me totally off guard there. “Peh! Another Guado fiend?” Wakka shrills, which would make sense if I had done this part directly after fighting the Guado fiend by the bridge. As it stands, it has been several hours since that point, so this statement makes no sense. Whoops, game designers. But no, it’s an unsent. Who could it be? A lady that looks like a palette-swapped version of Leia materializes at the back of the room. As this is Lulu’s Story, she takes over as her Tragic Theme begins to play in the background. “It is…It’s you, is it not, Lady Ginnem?” No, it’s some other random summoner that died here. Well, I guess since so many of them look alike, that wouldn’t be such a stretch, but still. “Forgive me. I was too young,” Lulu whines. Yeah, she was what? 18? 20? Never mind that the other two females in the current party are younger than that….Lulu just totally sucked back then!
Auron looks at Yuna significantly, telepathically reminding her to send this dead person, although you’d think she’s dealt with enough dead people to remember this. Tightass must have sucked her brains out when she liplocked with him (hence his zombie-like stare), if you believe she had any brains to begin with, which is highly unlikely. This time, she’s only a step away from Auron, so she might be in for a bit of a surprise when she begins the sending, but alas, Lady Ginnem sends out a flash of red light, stopping Yuna from completing it. Lulu sadly comments, “There is no human left in you now, is there?” Even though Ginnem has not morphed into a fiend like most unsent people who have lost their humanity supposedly do. The unsent summoner sends out another flash of light, which obviously means “Nope!”
“Very well. Allow me to perform my last duty to you. My last as your guardian. And resolve this subplot once and for all so I can go back to being a secondary character,” Lulu says. Apparently, this translates to “Beat the shit out of your aeon,” because that’s what the ensuing battle entails. The aeon in question is…well, he’s a tall dude in what looks like Japanese armor. Also, he has a dog that looks like some ancient Chinese or Japanese statue. Like Rinoa, Japanese Armor Dude uses his dog to attack. Unlike Rinoa, however, he has some decent attacks of his own. Not that it matters, since he never has a chance to use them before the party wipes the floor with his sorry ass.
The Tragic Backstory Theme continues to play as the camera zooms in on Lulu’s boobs to illustrate how sad she is. Only, she’s not that sad, as her next line is all about how she thought this whole thing would be a lot more depressing than it was. “Maybe I’ve gotten used to farewells,” she wanks, playing her moment in the spotlight for all it’s worth. “You’re stronger now,” Wakka tries. “Wakka, I hope you’re right,” Lulu replies meaningfully. “I’m going to have to be strong to deal with screwing you and bearing your ugly Wakka-baby.” She seems to recover her non-whiny personality as she reminds Yuna to go visit the fayth.
A Magical Teleportation Platform located in the last chamber transports the group into the Chamber of the Fayth, aka a cave with a hole dug in the floor for the fayth with rune-marked duct tape over the top. That thief sure did a shitty job hiding it — leaving the teleportation device out of the cave would have been a good idea. Also, the cave is pretty well-decorated, with torches and ornamental cloths lining the hole. I guess it’s good that the thief didn’t just chuck the sacred statue in the ground and throw dirt over it, but jeez. Yuna begins her prayer — again demonstrating that the absence of the guardians in the Chamber is not necessary — and a trained male voice begins belting the Hymn of the Fayth. Some fancy camerawork later, a non-descript sprite (who you may recognize as Beclem from FFX-2….OMG WHACKO FANFICTION THEORY) appears and starts spouting some crap about how cool and powerful he is. Right away he’s on my bad side, spiffy dog or no. He asks Yuna what she wants, and I choose the option “To defeat the most powerful of enemies” because that’s what the strategy guide told me to do. Sam might question my exact following of the Bradygames strategy guide, and she’s probably right, but just go with it here. “If you desire my strength, you must pay my price,” he wanks. What?! Waaaaait a minute, here. I get all these other aeons for free, and this asshole wants my money? Fuck that shit.
Of course, I’m all talk, so after haggling a bit over how much this dickhole is worth, I bitterly fork over the majority of my hard-earned gil. That doesn’t mean I’m happy about this. The fayth brags some more about how he’s totally going to help Yuna out and shit, obviously not realizing that Yuna will never voluntarily call him if I can help it. Now I get a chance to name him. The official name is Yojimbo, which means bodyguard in Japanese if my memory serves me correctly, but since he requires payment for his services, his new name is Hojimbo.
Outside the cave, a bunch of random crusaders stroll around a dead-end path to the side, doing basically nothing. Talking to one of them reveals some information about Lady Yocun, the summoner whose flashback we saw previously. All we learn is that she was previously a crusader, and trained a lot in this particular area. Given that we were supposed to visit this area before travelling to Zanarkand, I guess that whole flashback scene did make sense in retrospect. I know, I’m as shocked as you are. The other crusaders in the area whine about Operation Mi’ihen and rebuilding the crusaders. In other words, I just wasted my time talking to these random NPCs because they’re all about to become obsolete anyway. At least I snag a rusty sword that’s stuck in the ground nearby. Score!
Because the first one went so well.
One side quest down, fifty bazillion left to go. Before embarking on the next quest, however, Tightass travels to the foot of Mt. Gagazet to visit a familiar face — everyone’s favorite, Exposition!Man. And he’s totally in the mood. To tell us stories, you perverts! This time, he wants to tell us all about “the Spira of days long past.” As opposed to all those non-historical stories he tells. Anyway, this one fills in all the backstory that would really have been nice to know before…well, everything, except that E!M read the script and knew that if he spilled the beans, the game designers would tear him a new one. So we’re just now finding out some of this info. God damn game designers.