Leaving that jerk behind, Tightass and the others make it to the other side of the Calm Lands, where they finally change screens. There are a couple of bridges over a couple of ravines. As soon as the company starts to cross the first bridge, a couple of child-molesting Guado appear on the far side, announcing a “summons from Maester Seymour.” Yuna pretty much laughs in their faces and gives them the insipid, non-threatening female version of “Shove it.” “Yeah, so out of our way!” Tightass says, like he’s all cool. When the Guado finish laughing their asses off, they inform Yuna that Seymour doesn’t care if she’s alive. Given that it’s unlikely that Yuna can be resurrected against her will, what the hell good is she to Seymour dea…..never mind.

I’m sure he doesn’t.

The ground shakes, as it does every time the Guado summon one of their boss monsters. This is to let us know that the monster coming up from the ravine is big, bad, and scary. This time, it’s a huge robot machina, since we now know that the Yevonites had machina hidden up their asses all along. It takes me a full ten minutes to fight the bastard. He almost kicked Auron’s ass, to give you an idea of what a bitch this guy is.

Because I’m so awesome, and because Tightass wasn’t in the battle, I beat him on my first try. Afterward, I make Tightass walk toward the path into the ravine. Although the obvious correct pathway leads across the second bridge and up the mountain, Tightass expresses surprise that going down the lower path does not, in fact, lead to Mt. Gagazet. “That way leads down into the valley,” Lulu has to inform him. Wakka expresses surprise that Lulu knows her way around so well, never mind that her statement would be completely fucking obvious to anyone with half a brain….I guess I answered my own question there. Anyway, this is more anvil dropping regarding the Tragic Backstory, so let’s all roll our eyes and move on.

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I make Tightass go the correct way this time. Of course he can’t go ten steps without triggering another cut scene. Everyone continues on ahead, except for Yuna, who stands on the bridge, staring back at the Calm Lands, and Tightass, who stares at Yuna’s ass. Yuna turns around, catching him in the act, but of course she doesn’t say anything because it’s so sexy and not at all creepy to discover your wanker boyfriend checking out your assets while you’re having a sad personal moment.

Tightass informs us, via Wankese, just why Yuna stares off into space so often, although we’ve already figured it out, like, back in Part 2. She’s “saying goodbye to the places she’d never see again.” Tightass and Yuna look at each other for a while until Yuna nods, signalling that the Wankese needs to stop.

The camera fades wistfully out and back in on the map that tells us that we’re travelling from Mt. Gagazet to the Zanarkand Ruins. That was so completely necessary, as always. Tightass heads through a tunnel and emerges onto a snowy mountain path lined with huge-ass stone pillars. There’s also a huge-ass stone gate, but as soon as the party approaches it, Hans jumps down from one of the cliffs, blocking their path. Not that he’s much of an obstacle for a group of people who have fought disturbing things like the phallic machina cannon and Seymour, but his gigantic unit has them all enthralled. James Earl Ronso then makes his hunched, decrepit way over to the party from behind the stone gate. Oh, and Franz is there, too, over to the side. Of course. Yuna looks around to see an assload of Ronsos surrounding them on the cliffs. Well, shit.

James tells Yuna and her guardians to get the fuck off of his mountain. “Gagazet is Ronso land, sacred mountain of Yevon. The mountain will not bear the footsteps of infidels!” During this speech, the camera pans slowly up on Hans’ oversized unit in the foreground. Needless to say, that kind of breaks the moment. Hans and his unit reiterate what James said, only in a much less literate way.

“I have cast aside Yevon! I follow the temple no more!” Yuna declares. Oh, good job. That’s sure to get these guys on your side, moron. Sure enough, James delivers a death threat. “So be it,” Yuna responds. “Yevon has warped the teachings and betrayed us all!” Now whereas she has a point, and I fully agree with her regarding the dipshititude of Yevon, she’s not exactly doing a whole lot to further her cause here. Wakka also mentions just how pissed he is at the religion he until recently worshipped to the exclusion of his critical thinking skills. “Yeah, yeah!” Tightass agrees wankishly, punching his fist in the air. Rikku imitates his words and gestures. Even in dissing Yevon, these people are all dumb. Yuna says, “We have no regrets.” This pisses the Ronsos off a tad, and Hans prepares to impale Yuna upon his long hard horn. Kimahri rushes forward to stop him, ending up chest-to-chest with the much larger, much more impressive-horned Ronso. Deranged furries immediately start typing fanfiction with one hand. “A summoner and her guardians…” James mutters, as if he expected Yuna’s protectors to just go “Eh, fuck this shit” and let her get killed.

Kimahri suddenly feels like less of a Ronso…and strangely turned on.

Now that the situation has become rather dire, it’s time for Lulu and Auron to take matters into their intelligent hands. “Lord [James Earl] Ronso, if I may,” Lulu begins. She reminds him that he has also turned against the dead pedophiles in Bevelle. “But still, you guard Gagazet as a Ronso, not a maester. Yuna is much the same,” Auron adds. Hans isn’t sure how to handle this sudden onset of sensible explanation, and begs his master to let him “rend them asunder.” “No escape! Not one!” Franz taunts. Yuna calmly informs them that she will not run, but instead kick their asses and continue on her journey. James is confused as to why she is bothering to fight Sin, since she’s been branded a traitor and everyone hates her guts. “Everything lost! What do you fight for?” Cue the Electronic Piano of Sap and Obnoxiously Noble Speeches. “I fight for Spira,” Yuna responds. The camera pans over her guardians — including Kimahri, who is still chest-to-chest with Hans — as Yuna drones on and on about bringing the Calm to the people of Spira, ending their pain, blah blah blah. James is all impressed by her insipid speech. He orders his minions to let her go, but to kill that annoying wanky blond guy. Oh, let me have my moment of delusion. James kisses Yuna’s ass profusely, wanking on and on about how STRONG and SPESHUL and WONDERFUL she is, to the point that I toss my cookies. Sure, Yuna’s gone through some pretty horrific shit without killing herself, and you know which shit I’m talking about. But come on. In the background, the guardians all look relieved at the averted crisis, except for Wakka and Tightass, who are punching at each other. What the fuck?

Now that I have control of Tightass again, I go around and talk to everyone, as is my duty. Auron once again mentions that Yevon is falling apart. When Tightass says he doesn’t give a shit, Auron has to inform him that for the people who have actually based their lives around the bullcrap teachings, this is going to be quite the blow. Not like that. Auron also reminisces about his own journey ten years ago, and how, when he stood at the bottom of Mt. Gagazet, he was thinking about how to prevent his master from dying. Yeah, that didn’t seem to work too well, did it? Since we’re nearing the end of the game with all the obligatory plot twists and stuff, it’s almost time for the game designers to go into overdrive and start bombarding us with answers to the questions we’ve harbored since the beginning. Finally.

Lulu and Tightass have another “OMG YUNA IS SO STRONG!!!!!” conversation. Lulu gives us the astonishing insight that weak people can’t push themselves without breaking, and since Yuna’s still going, she’s not weak. In fact, Lulu’s not sure she can keep up with the paragon of strength that is Yuna. Get it? Yuna’s sooooooooooooooooooo strong. If the characters say it enough, it must be true.

Rikku continues to shake her boobs and still has no ideas on how to save Yuna. Let’s move along. Wakka bitches about his neck hurting, prompting Tightass to casually mention that Zanarkand is just over the mountain. Yeah, I don’t get the connection either. Wakka comments that Zanarkand is Tightass’s home. “As if you believed me,” Tightass snits. Wakka takes a big hit off the blitzbong and replies, “Maybe I do.” He goes on to re-explain to all of us that the Zanarkand to which they’re currently travelling is all ruined and shit, but surely Tightass’s Zanarkand is out there “somewhere.” Wakka is so, so sure that Tightass is going to be able to return home. Usually when characters are so sure that something’s going to happen, it doesn’t, so things aren’t looking good for Tightass. I would be happy, except for the possibility that Tightass will remain in Spira and subsequently have sex with Yuna. Well, there goes my good night’s sleep.

Except for the save points, and the merchants, and….

Tightass talks to James, who to my dismay is still going on and on about — wait for it — how strong Yuna is: “Small voice, small frame, but a will that towers over Gagazet’s peak.” This is getting ridiculous, even for a Final Fantasy game. Kimahri, thankfully, says nothing about Yuna, instead choosing to mention Hans and Franz. Tightass is all “Gee, I wonder where they went? Oh, it probably has nothing to do with us! It would suck if we had to fight them!” in order to set us up for a “surprise” battle later. Kimahri also mentions that this is the first time he’s ever climbed Mt. Gagazet, so that we’ll all understand why he sucks just as badly as everyone else on the way up.

Tightass has clearly misinterpreted this command.

Although I’ve been avoiding this, I make Tightass talk to Yuna. To my surprise and delight, she has nothing of note to say. Whew. I was worried that there would be another “moment.” Thank you, game designers!

I’d like to quit while I’m ahead, so that’s it for this recap. I was right — that wasn’t anywhere near as bad as what happened the last time. I may just survive this thing. Join me in Part 18 for the riveting climb up Mt. Gagazet, where Tightass will undoubtedly do something wanky. I’m so psychic.