At this point, Yuna realizes just how horrible that whole last part is, and vows to erase it. That means I just listened to that crap for no reason. My will to live is gone. Also, the fact that Tightass heard it when Yuna specifically did not want him to makes me cringe in embarrassment for her. I mean, yeah, it’s her fault that she spouted that tripe in the first place, but no one, not even Yuna, deserves such a horrible fate.
In slo-mo, Tightass approaches Yuna on the cliff, triggering the cliff scene from much earlier. I mentally peer out from between my fingers to confirm that this scene is indeed over. It is. Oh, thank God. My stomach contents are surprisingly intact. That doesn’t mean that I don’t hate the world right now — I just don’t puke easily. I think that’s a good prerequisite for being a recapper.
As a bonus, I don’t even have to see Tightass’s reaction to the sphere. Not that I forgive the game designers or anything. But I have to find good where I can. I regain control of Tightass, and steer him down the mountain, away from the scene of this horrific occurrence, and down to where something much less brutal and senseless happened in the past — the ruins of Zanarkand.
Tightass winds his way down the path, as spooky ethereal sounds, the lack of music, and towering ruins indicate that this is Fucking Creepy. As he meets up with everyone — and no one seems to notice that he was even gone — the camera fades out and the Sad Piano of Despair plinks out the tune from the very first scene of the game. In fact, the next scene is identical to that scene, right down to Tightass wanking about his story. Only now it makes a lot more sense, because these aren’t just random sad-looking people anymore. Also, because it’s identical, that means that I don’t have to recap it. Score!
I do have some good news for you, however. Given that the entire story thus far has been told by Tightass via Wankese, now that the backstory has caught up to this scene, that means…..no more Wankese! Of course, there isn’t much of the game left, so it’s not much of a blessing. But once again, I’ll take what I can get.
I’m craving s’mores right now.
It goes without saying that just because the Wankese has ended, that doesn’t mean that Tightass has stopped being a wanker. And he proves that in the very next scene. As everyone sits around the fire, depressed, Tightass is screeching, “Hey! There was more, right? I mean like that time…uh…. Anyone?” Jesus H, he’s trying to reminisce about their journey while everyone is sadder than Squall after being brutally raped and having six kids. What a choad. Also, what the hell kind of stuff can he even bring up? “Hey, remember that one time when we totally got attacked by Seymour? How about the time Rikku’s home got blown up! Anyone remember that? Oh…oh! What about when Yuna got married to Seymour and then got put on trial and sentenced to death? Wasn’t that great?” Someone kill him. Seriously. Who thought this character was a good idea?
Yuna is embarrassed for her wanker. “I think that we should stop….maybe. For now,” she says decisively. And the scene is over. There was absolutely no point to that except to illustrate that Tightass is a big dumb stupidhead. And we already fucking knew that, so I’m guessing that the game designers just enjoy torturing us like the sadists they are.
Loading ...Some Sad But Resolute music starts up as the group grabs their weapons from where they’re stuck in the ground. Since the weapons serve no plot purpose here, and since the game designers generally ignore weapons in cut-scenes unless specifically used for plot purposes, the only thing I can figure is that the weapons are there so they could have that KEWL opening shot. Except that it…really wasn’t that cool. So I’m confused. “Let’s go,” Yuna says after everyone has already left. Face, meet palm.
Oh wait, I spoke too soon. Everyone except Yuna and Tightass has already gone ahead. This means that we get to see a fabulous close-up of Tightass’s chest, panning up to him and Yuna staring at each other. Why? Why, God?
Tightass follows the others, making his way through the pyrefly-pocked broken streets of Zanarkand. Strangely, even though this is a fair distance away from the Mt. Gagazet cave, and outdoors no less, the monsters are the exact same ones that inhabit the aforementioned cavern. I’m sure there is someone out there who can fanwank that into making sense, but I think it’s obvious that once again the game designers were lazy.
After some more walking and fighting, there’s a huge dramatic zoom to…a road further ahead. Which is where Tightass ends up. Even the game designers got sick of all this tedious walking shit, and that’s saying something.
Wakka finally notices all the pyreflies and shiny stuff in the sky, and comments that the area greatly resembles the Farplane. “Close enough,” Auron replies. “After all, dead people go to the Farplane, and I’m dead….God damn it.” And then the scene is over. Yes, the entire purpose of that scene was to point out obvious parallels to us, because we’re all brain-damaged.
More running and fighting. At last the group reaches their destination: a dome that is — wait for it — ruined. There’s a convenient save point outside the dome, indicating to me that I’m probably going to have to fight more shit inside. It’s amazing how psychic I am. At the entrance, a creepy priest greets them, and asks that Yuna introduce herself. She does. “Your eyes, my dear. Show me the long road you have travelled.” Through his Magical Eye-Reading Ability, Father Creepy deduces that Yuna has, indeed, visited all the necessary temples throughout the land before making her way here. He takes this opportunity to kiss her ass, of course, saying that Yunalesca will be happy to welcome her to the Temple of the Dead. Instead of doing something useful like showing them the way, Father Creepy walks directly toward the camera, fading as he goes. Hey wait a minute — he’s dead! I didn’t see that coming at all!
Unfortunately, FC is not quite invisible by the time he reaches the front of the screen — the picture wavers a little bit — and for a second I think he’s going to pop out of my monitor a la Samara from The Ring. Jesus Christ. Guess I won’t be sleeping tonight.
The group gathers inside the temple, just in time to see their first Ghostly Expository Flashback. There are a lot of these, so be warned. There’s quite a bit of leftover exposition now that we’re near the end of the game, so the game designers had to find some fancy way of spoonfeeding it to us. Anyway, the flashback consists of an armored lady we’ve never seen before pledging to give her life to protect her summoner. “Use my life, Lady Yocun, and rid Spira of Sin.” God damn it, I almost didn’t notice that pesky Foreshadowing Wizard beating me over the head with his giant staff. Not like that, sickos. Rikku freaks out, confused about what just happened. “Our predecessors,” Auron explains, like Rikku’s going to understand such a huge word.
Lulu is all, “Holy crap, did she just say Lady Yocun? As in HIGH SUMMONER YOCUN?!” Yes, she totally did. Isn’t that shocking? Except that we have never before heard of Lady Yocun, so this has absolutely no significance whatsoever to us. Auron has to explain to everyone that the building basically acts as a huge sphere. “People’s thoughts remain here. Forever,” he says. Gosh, that would really be embarrassing if someone tripped and fell or let a huge fart or something and all the summoners that showed up for the next 1000 years had to see that. Fortunately for everyone who did something stupid in the dome, Yuna and company only see Highly Significant flashbacks. I also like how Auron knows all this information by figuring it out on his own from the one time he was there, but everyone else is so dumb, they need Auron to explain it to them.
The building is chock full of machina beasts and dead monks (this is depicted by the green glowing “zombie” status) who enjoy attacking the party. Wait a minute, Father Creepy made it sound like Yuna had already passed all the necessary trials for reaching the temple. What a gyp.
Run, run, run, fight, fight, fight, flashback! Ghostly Exposition Flashback number two stars none other than Seymour as a little kid. Wait…so would Seymour get turned on by watching this? And is it still pedophilia if he’s turned on by himself? Either way, Seymour is crying like a little Tightass, whining about his mommy becoming a fayth. His mother, a human woman as you’ll recall, tells him that it’s “the only way.” “Use me and defeat Sin. Only then will the people accept you. Oh, and you might want to not become a crazy-ass pedophile, either.” This is our second reference to using someone’s life to defeat Sin, in case anyone is keeping track. Also: ouch, my head. The camera pans around drunkenly, and we see that Seymour still has his pedophilic ponytails, only they’re small like he is. Creepy. Seymour whines some more about losing mommy, and she badly exposits that she doesn’t “have much time left.” Why is that? Well, we don’t find out. So what did we learn from this scene? Seymour’s mom became a fayth so Seymour could defeat Sin, yet he didn’t defeat Sin. So….did he try and fail? Was he dead before Yuna and company met up with him? Did he never even try, rendering this entire sequence pointless? Will the game designers ever refer to this or tie it into the main plotline? Do I even have to ask?
Wakka and Rikku wonder if that was Seymour, as if there were numerous half-Guado children with blue hair and distinctive ponytails just running around Spira in the past. This is obviously why Wakka and Rikku are the brains of the group.
As the party continues to run through the dome, the Flashing Green Light of Cut-Scene brings us yet another GEF. Surprise! This time it’s Auron, Braska, and Jecht. They’re running along the same pathway as our current group when Jecht suddenly stops and is all, “Uh, dude, don’t go through with this, man.” Braska thanks him for “his concern,” but is obviously set on killing himself. “Fine. I said my piece,” Jecht responds. That was easy. But uh-oh! “Well, I haven’t!” Auron speaks up. “Lord Braska, let us go back! I don’t want to see you…clothed die!” Braska is happy that Auron would like to continue their relationship. However, as he explains in another overdone speech that makes it really obvious where his daughter got it from, he has come here to kick grief in its sorry ass. “I will defeat Sin, and lift the veil of sorrow covering Spira.” He stops short of explaining how Spira is a spiral of death, which makes this recapper happy. “Please understand, Auron,” he finishes before turning his back on the wanksty Auron and walking away. Auron just stands there with his head down, looking Tightassy, while his future self cringes in embarrassment. The Flashing Green Light of Cut-Scene Ending signals the….do I even have to spell it out for you?
The group passes into a hallway which, if it were not all ruined, would be rather grand. Auron, Braska, and Jecht appear in front of the doorway at the end of the hall in yet another Green Flashing Light. Jecht wonders if there is a Cloister of Trials past the doorway. Gosh, I hope so! Braska answers in the affirmative, and Jecht echoes my exact thoughts when he says, “Here too, huh? Gimme a break.” Tightass’s dad, in all his wisdom, was expecting crowds of people to show up in these fiend-infested ruins to throw a big party and a parade in their honor. Dumbass. Braska informs him that all the fun stuff can happen after he’s dead, since I’m sure his friends would be in such a great mood at that point.
Speaking of not being in a good mood, I’m really not up for the wonderful trials that lie ahead. And by “wonderful,” I mean “complete rip-off of Tetris that manages to make that game unfun.” Not to mention one of the most annoying battles in this game. So we’ll have to pick up on the festivities and more of my bitching next time. See you then!