And the Journey of Digression continues! Just to cover his bases, Twink does the requisite tedious sailing to visit both Western Fairy Island and Thorned Fairy Island in order to increase his max number of arrows to 99. Yes, I am that bad of a shot. And if the other Fairy Islands look like asses, Thorned Fairy Island looks like…well, see for yourself. I sure don’t interpret that as a thorn, though.

Ew.

The Bizarro Great Fairies haven’t changed in their crackaliciousness, so without further ado it’s back to Needle Cock. Of course, the supplies problem has been dealt with (Twink’s arrows were automatically replenished), but Twink is still an inaccurate lunk with his bow, and there are still enough Kargaroc Princesses up there to keep the “girls” of Dragon Phallus Island stocked in Golden Feathers for a year. After some thinking (and copious arrow-wasting) I decide I might be approaching this problem all wrong, and I mean that literally. Twink takes control of another soon-to-be-assreamed seagull, but instead of stupidly spiraling up the Needle Cock, only to attract the early attention of the Kargaroc Princesses, the seagull instead takes a long approach toward the switch and hits it before the Kargarocs have time to react. Of course, as soon as the switch is hit Twink relinquishes control of the bird, leaving it to its own devices to escape its prison bitch fate.

The chest contains a Piece of Ass. Not that this is a bad prize–I would have set the Gamecube on fire if it had been a Joy Pendant–but I think it should have been gold-plated, encrusted with diamond studs that spelled out “Twink” in curlique letters, and also worth five of itself to compensate me for my efforts and all my lost pears and arrows.

Well, that was an hour of my life I’ll never get back. Moving on. Next Twink returns to NPC Island–“Return to NPC Island,” that sounds like a horror movie–to take care of some bidness. First he checks in with Big Gay Beedle to buy a shitload of arrows. I realized–like, right as I was writing the last sentence–that I should have just jumped back into the underground pirate ship cave and gotten free arrows there, instead of handing over Twink’s hard-earned Rupees like a dumbshit. I also realize that I could lie to you about this to protect my reputation as a tr00 g4m0r or whatever, but believe it or not this transaction with Big Gay Beedle is actually going somewhere so I have to be honest. Hopefully my open admission of this grave error will save me from twenty people emailing me or posting on the forums to inform me of my lack of 1337.

Right. So Twink has bought so much useless crap from Big Gay Beedle that he has now earned 30 points, and that nets our boy a Silver Membership. Which is apparently not silver, but red. Big Gay Beedle screams in delight and tells Twink, “We give a luxurious gift to all of our Silver Members. It’s the least we could do!” Well. Twink’s interest is piqued. And I think you all know what I mean by “interest.” BGB promises that Twink will get his gift in the mail very soon. Oooh, oooh, what could it beeeeeeee?

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The Song of Passing is just the trick for an impatient lad awaiting a package, and two renditions later he receives a very sexy letter from Big Gay Beedle (C.O.D., again). The letter is disappointingly form, and doesn’t even include any of BGB’s pet names for Twink. Sob! But it does contain Twink’s gift, one Complimentary ID. “Who knows what this is,” the Disembodied Item Describer meta-shrugs, “but apparently you should take it to [Big Gay] Beedle…” The golden ticket features a picture of Big Gay Beedle with angel wings. I really don’t want to know.

Well, whatever, maybe it’s a two-for-one blowjob coupon or something. It could still redeem for something good, right? Twink immediately returns to Big Gay Beedle’s Big Gay Boat Ride to claim his prize. After BGB gets confirmation from Twink that he does indeed want to use his Complimentary ID, Big Gay Beedle says, “OK! Here it goes…” Then he leaps off his wooden bench–scaring the daylights out of Twink–and shrieks in his face, “You are soooooooooooooooooo GREAT!” Windmilling like a crazy hobo who just found a flask of Mad Dog in a ditch, he goes on, “Absolutely fantastic! Incredible!” Holy crap, Twink is flushing like a Southern belle right now. Oh, Mr. Big Gay Beedle, do go on. And then, after a beat, BGB sits back down and chirps that it’s nice to be complimented once in a while, like it was just a matter of business. Meanie. Twink takes his leave, feeling all flustered and confused and damn that guy is a tease.

Twink suppresses the distracting thoughts of Big Gay Beedle’s sweet words and gets about his other affairs on NPC Island. First stop, after changing it back to daytime, is Mrs. Seymour’s Duck-Duck-Goose Shack. Before she can flood him with dated exposition like Orca did, Twink fishes out 20 more Joy Pendants, mostly incidental swag from the Earth Temple. Mrs. Seymour, as before, is overcome by Twink’s generosity with his accessories. “When I put these together with the ones you’ve already brought me, they add up to a whopping 41!” she cries. Also, C is for cock cookie and the number of the day is 69. She also tells Twink that she is “brimming with joy.” Twink does not appreciate the mental image, lady.

But however scary Mrs. Seymour is, she still dishes out the mad presents. “To thank you,” she declares, “I have to give you my most precious of precious belongings! I shall give you…this very special piece of jewelry!” She adds that this shiny is so rare that it’s the only one of its kind. Twink closes his eyes as ordered, internalizing his plea for ruby-encrusted penis-shaped barrettes. Sadly, he doesn’t get his wish, but he does get the Hero’s Charm. “This mystical trinket gives you the ability to see the life forces of your foes!” blathers the Disembodied Item Describer. Mrs. Seymour clearly takes our hero for a idiot, if a very nice one, so she adds that he should wear it around monsters. I never would have guessed. She also asks Twink to “think of [her]” when he wears it. Well, that’d be a total mood killer, so no dice, you pervy old bat.

‘Mardi Gras, here I come!’

I suppose I should get around to describing the thing. The Hero’s Charm is a garish gold mask that looks like one of the cheap artifacts contestants would search for on Legends of the Hidden Temple in order to win a trip to Space Camp. When Twink wears it he looks like he’s preparing to die in a chemical spill in style. Either that, or he’s trying to liven up an anonymous BDSM session with some glitterati. The point I’m making here is that it’s horrifically tacky and gaudy–in other words, right up Twink’s alley. This’ll go great with his Power Bracelets and his bejeweled Boomerwang, though. Fabulous!

Twink scurries his underage butt out of Mrs. Seymour’s abode before she can thank him in other ways for the Joy Pendants. Whipping out the Wind Wanker he fast forwards to evening for his next task. I guess I could have done this when it was still nighttime, but–hey, look over there!

You’ll recall that there is a gay man in a yellow hat named Kreed hanging out near the town ferris wheel. He is there day and night, pining for NPC Island to restore its ferris wheel. “You know,” he tells Twink, who is trying not to stare at the man’s hideous complexion, “this thing may look like a windmill, but it’s actually a wind-powered ferris wheel!” He goes on to whine that the island hasn’t had the necessary wind power as of late to power the thing. You know, I know, Twink knows, and this Beanie Baby on my desk knows that it will be necessary to use the Wind Wanker to start the wheel. But Kreed still feels the need to spell it out in great detail with colored text. “I’m pretty sure it’s not broken or anything, though, so if the wind blew in the right direction again, we’d just have to hit the power switch out back to get it moving.” Incidentally, I am using this pen to stab out my eyes. They are bleeding quite a bit.

Twink takes the “hint” and goes around to the back of the ferris wheel. There’s a ladder going up the tower into a small alcove with a switch. After redirecting the wind to blow north, Twink hits the switch, and with the “Wow you hit a switch, good for you!” sound effect, the ferris wheel begins to turn. Ooh, maybe Liberace will want to ride in one of the carts for a little alone time. Hot.

But that’ll have to wait until Twink can make things really romantic. Running past Kreed, Twink jumps alone into one of the gondolas and busts out his fire arrows. For he is psychic and knows that he needs to light the torch inside the lighthouse. Yes, this thing is simultaneously a windmill, a ferris wheel, and a lighthouse and also a penis. This task doesn’t take as long as it did the first time I played the game, when I spent twenty minutes aiming at the wrong end of the lighthouse lamp. When Twink’s flaming shaft connects, the lighthouse lamp flares to life and casts out to sea an eye-searing beam of light that could never, ever be produced by so small a flame. Twink looks on as the beam of light hits a small island near Sean Connery’s resting point at the docks, rendering visible an invisible treasure chest.

Kreed is tickled yellow at the awesomeness of the lighthouse being active again. “Check out the beam of light that sweeps out now, shining through the night’s darkness!” If he shouts out “Kingdom Hearts is light!” I will scream. Instead of that, thankfully, he says to Twink, “Seeing that brave beam fighting the gloom has made me so happy, I just feel like giving somebody a present. So, here! I’m giving this to you, little man!” Twink accepts the Piece of Ass, but does not take kindly to that “little” stuff. Kreed will pay for that slight on Twink’s manhood. The treasure chest out on the island also contains a Piece of Ass, giving Twink four pieces and one more heart on his life meter. That’s probably enough to keep him from burning down the entire island. For now.

Changing it back to daytime–shut up–Twink pays a visit to Eskimo Guy. The purpose of this visit is to get the Trading Quest started, but I realize upon actually speaking to EG that it’s already been started. Apparently at some previous point Twink talked to EG and heard EG’s woes about lack of business and lack of interesting items for sale, and received the Town Flower in order to trade it for other things around the Great Sea. Obviously I either did not tape this or taped it and skipped it during a previous recap, so you get no breakdown of what was no doubt a riveting, Oscar-worthy scene. Try to be strong. No tears.

Okay, so getting back to the present, Twink has his Delivery Fannypack, which right now contains a potted white orchid. Not exactly the sort of item I’d jump at buying or trading for, but then again I’m not one of the crack-smoking and/or flaming deviants of the Great Sea, so what the hell do I know?

Twink first sails for Mother and Creepy Little Well Girl Isle. On the smaller island, the first of several merchants is waiting to share his goods with Twink. The merchant is a Goron. Now, Jeanne covered this particular what-the-fuckism, but I’d like to add a couple observations. One, the Goron merchant is hanging out on the island proper, but a nearby wooden raft is apparently his mode of transportation. Two, he is dressed in a threadbare hat and purple Hawaiian shirt like he’s a fat, igneous Robinson Crusoe. So we’re supposed to buy that when the world flooded, the water creatures had to evolve into birds, while all the rock creatures needed were some tied-together rickety wooden planks and festive island wear? And why are they slumming around the Great Sea with shoddy trinkets instead of, oh, I don’t know, being Earth Temple sages? Why does this game go out of its way to make no sense?

Oh, those wacky Plot Wizards of Hyrule. Anyway, the merchant. Unprovoked, he tells his life story to Twink, and says that he “detected a scent wafting from this island that suggested to [him] that there might be something of value here.” Can Gorons smell treasure, like nifflers? Or are they just attracted to the SMELL of things? I have no clue–I’m just trying to inject some interest into this banal business. Whatever drove him here, Goron Crusoe was stymied by the high rock wall around the big island and now he’s sitting here, throwing himself a pity party.