Twink’s work here is done, and he’s fresh out of sidequests at the moment. At least, ones he feels like doing. In other words, I’m leaving the next ones for Sam. I admitted it — are you happy? That means that we’re back to the main plot, namely seeking out the two sages at the locations that Sean helpfully marked on the sea chart.
Of course these two temples are not anywhere near each other — one is to the far north while the other one is, naturally, far south. I might bitch if I had any plans to visit both during this recap. As it turns out, my business is only at the Earth Temple for now. So Twink heads down south — not in his usual way — to visit the Earth Sage.
To Twink’s irritation, even this supposedly simple task has to become complicated. Not only is the island infested with crabs, but it also has a ginormous stone head blocking the entrance. Twink’s usually all about head, but this is just not cool. Although the stone is about the size of the Dicku Tree’s noggin, Twink still tries to move it with his noodle arms. Sean Connery thankfully throws Twink a bone here — not like that — and tells him that none of his vast array of items can get rid of the head. “And yet, somewhere on this sea, the power to do so lies waiting for one to find it,” he finishes much less helpfully. Well that narrows it down. Jerk.
Although I’d be willing to bet my life’s savings that Sean Connery does know exactly where this mysterious power is located, he’s not talking for once. So Twink has to resort to other means, which are thankfully close by. And I’m not talking about the Strategy Chart this time. Actually, it’s one of the DickFish brothers who gives him the exact coordinates of the item — Fire Mountain. Which is not exactly close to Twink’s current location. So now I get to bitch.
Okay, so I teleport to Dragon Phallus Island first. It’s still annoying. While on his brief layover — heh…”lay” — Twink hears the gorgeous sounds of a harp far up the shaft. He’d love to stay and listen — effeminate instruments being one of his specialties — but he needs to take care of business first. Sigh.
For some reason — probably Game Designer Lazyitis — Fire Mountain looks like just your average phallic mountain until Twink draws close to it. Then it suddenly starts glowing and spewing hot lava into the air. Wow, something expelling hot liquid out of a phallic shape? In this game? No way!
Of course, in what is turning into an unnecessarily complicated fetch quest, Twink must now find a way to enter the Fire Phallus. When I say “complicated,” by the way, I only mean in the “running around endlessly” type of way, not the “brain teaser” type. Because it doesn’t take that many brain cells to figure out which of Twink’s items will freeze the lava. Nevertheless, the island’s resident DickFish spells it out for Twink in detail, down to the exact location of said item. Yes, it’s the ice arrows. Thanks to Sam, I’m spared that additional trip.
He said ‘balls.’
Twink draws closer to the Fire Phallus, shooting an ice arrow directly into the pulsating stream launching forth from the tip. Accompanied by the “Holy crap, you figured something out, you fucking genius!” sound effect, the lava freezes and shatters, allowing Twink access through the mountain’s peehole. Of course there has to be a God damn catch to all this, like it wasn’t bad enough playing “Let’s See How Many Places Twink Can Go!” Namely, there’s a time limit. It seems that the mountain can contain its juices for only five minutes before they start bursting out once again. I’m sure some of you have this problem. No, don’t tell me.
Reaching the shore, Twink is immediately attacked by a jealous Kargaroc princess who won’t tolerate a competing queen on her island. Because there’s nothing like annoying monsters when fighting with an annoying time limit! I hope that the island is also difficult to navigate, causing me extra stress and irritation! It looks like I’m in luck — the game designers threw in some false pathways on the winding way up the mountain shaft. Little do they know that Twink’s Strategy Chart tells him exactly which way to go. Who’s yo’ daddy now, bitches?
Once he runs, climbs, and sidles his way to the top, Twink plunges right into the shaft. Yeowch! Inside, he has to take out some flaming bats, navigate some hardened lava platforms, and give it to some one-eyed monsters. With two minutes and fifty-two seconds to spare, the treasure is his. Okay, so my bitching was a bit exaggerated — that was pretty easy. The treasure is, obviously, the same thing that has allowed endless Twinks in endless Zelda games to lift heavy objects — the power bracelets. In this incarnation, they look like oversized versions of the One Ring without that fancy fire lettering and the gay hobbit. Twink can hardly contain his delight over acquiring yet another piece of fabulous jewelry — wait till Tingle sees him in nothing but these puppies. Aw yeah.
Quick, throw them in the lava, Twink!
A rather fruity shot of some flamer bats shedding sparklies shows us the teleportation beam out of the Fire Phallus. Incidentally, when Twink opened the treasure chest, he tripped a magical switch that prevents the mountain from expelling any more lava. Not that it matters because Twink will not be returning, but I guess that’s sort of a relief. I kind of feel sorry for the poor Fire Phallus, though.
I don’t think he’s interested in hiding anything from you, if you catch my drift.
Skipping ahead (no pun intended) several minutes, Twink is back at Headstone Island. Using his newfound mad strongman skillz, he picks up the large stone head just as easily as if it were a barbell in an obscure but highly rewarding weightlifting tournament. But no four-foot trophy awaits him inside. Instead, he finds a large stone tablet inscribed with a harp and a Wind Wanker song.
Since Twink has never before encountered such a thing in his travels, the Random Expositional Text God informs him that, “There appear to be markings that indicate specific directions.” OHHHHH! Twink doesn’t need much encouragement in order to whip out the Wind Wanker and start swinging it around. The only problem is that this new ditty is in the challenging time signature of 6/4. Yeah, you remember — the one that Sam and I didn’t get to practice. Actually, it’s really not that tough once you learn that it doesn’t require Parappa the Rapper-style exactitude.
Twink conducts this new theme (the Earth God’s Lyric), hoping that a large cash prize or maybe some phone numbers from hot musclemen will suddenly shower down upon him. Sadly, it’s something much, much less cool but more realistic than that. A ghostly female Zora — the fishy water creatures from other Zelda games — with a hat and a harp materializes out of thin air. Well, that’s the last time Twink will be playing that song. Where’s the one that summons hot guys?
Ghost!Zora, accompanied by a synth choir version of the theme that played over the opening exposition, addresses Twink as a “great hero” and introduces herself as Laruto. “I am a Zora sage. For an age, I offered my prayers here in the Earth Temple, praying that the power to repel evil would ever remain within the Mast[urbator] Sword.” Oops.
Unfortunately, Laruto enjoys the popular hobby of Stating the Obvious. She points out that the Masturbator Sword lost its fabulous phallic power, and that Ganondorf returned after being sealed away for a time. Wait, Ganondorf is back? Jesus, Laruto. Catch up to the plot, here. One of the first items on Ganondorf’s agenda — after “eat a lot of pork rinds” — was to head on over to the Earth Temple to “steal [Laruto’s] soul.” Which is how the Masturbator Sword became unfabulous. I’m not sure how Laruto could be hanging about in ghost form if Ganondorf took her soul. Regardless, she’s deader than a doornail and can’t do her job any longer. Slacker.
I think Twink would be more interested if you got rid of that pesky ‘with.’
Fortunately for Twink and his sword, there is a way to return its power, and that’s to find someone foolish enough to give up his or her fun-filled life and sit around praying in a lame temple all day. No problem! It appears that this person has already been chosen, however. According to Laruto, “You must find the one who carries on my bloodline… The one who holds this sacred instrument…” She goes on to explain, using copious amounts of red text, that Twink’s new tune is the key to awakening the new sage and the new sage will use the song to open the big stone tablet door into the actual temple. It apparently has some other uses, too, but my eyes are kind of glazing over at all this talk of prayers and gods. I’m still wondering where the three goddesses fit into this whole scheme, but not too hard because I’m afraid my head will explode if they try to explain it to me.
Which brings me to my next set of nitpicks. First of all, playing dumb aside, we know that the owner of the harp is Medli. Even if we didn’t have the gigantic clue-by-four of the harp sounds coming from Dragon Phallus Island, the girl was carrying the harp around earlier. Uh…I think. Unless the game designers are planning to pull a 180 on us and have the ferris wheel guy end up as the next sage. But that would be creative and unpredictable, and the game designers aren’t into that shit. So given that Medli is of Laruto’s bloodline, this means that the Zora evolved into the Rito.
Okay. The world flooded. With water. And the one species designed to live in the water evolved into something else. Why? I understand that wings are useful to have in such a situation, but why would the Zora change? Why not the Gorons — the heavy rock people? Wouldn’t a stone body be a liability in a world filled with water? But as we’ll find out later, the Gorons look exactly the same. Is anybody home? Am I asking for too much here?
And that’s not all. The game designers have made it quite clear that this is a sequel to Ocarina of Time, meaning it takes place in the same universe. And no, I don’t want to hear about divergent timelines based on the Hero of Time Twink reverting to his younger self at the end of the game. It’s the same damn place with the same damn sages — look at the stained glass in the Masturbator Sword room. And in Ocarina of Time, we had six temples occupied by those six sages of varying races, each of which matched up to his or her respective temple in sensible and uncreative ways. So the Forest Temple had a Kokiri sage, and the Water Temple (ugh) had a Zora sage, etc. Well, it seems that sometime after Hero of Time Twink left on his furry adventures and before the land flooded, these two new temples came into being. Conveniently, they were located on tall mountains way back in the day, kind of like the Ocarina of Time Fire Temple, which also survived to this very day. Oh wait. And who better to watch over this tall yet elusive Temple of Earth than the most earthy of all Zelda races…a Zora.
I guess the game designers figured that we’d all be so happy that we didn’t have to trudge through that God damn Water Temple again that we’d accept any old changes to the story and new mountains popping up all over the damn place. Anyway, it’s anyone’s best guess what on earth really happened, and whether Death Mountain became Dragon Phallus or Fire Phallus Island or just disappeared into thin air along with the game designers’ crack smoke. I suppose if any of you really want to sum up the events in a fanwanky sense-making fashion and e-mail it to me, I’d be happy to delete it from my inbox.