As the porky Poe charges straight toward Twink like a heat-seeking missile made of lard, Twink quickly takes in his surroundings, hoping for some sort of clue to fighting this behemoth. The chamber is circular, with a row of spikes around the perimeter near the floor. Several large, phallic, spiked pillars also line the room. Ow! The third and final significant feature of the room is the obligatory shaft of light. Which randomly changes location, just to make things extra irritating and nonsensical exciting and fun.
This is all the information Twink needs to formulate a fat-busting strategy. While Jalhalla shoots great balls of fire out of his lantern (I’m hoping), Twink runs into the light, blasting Jalhalla right in the face with a hot stream of white. This concentrated beam of gay causes Jalhalla to turn solid and pass out in a heap on the floor. Since Twink is now the champion of all bodybuilders, thanks to the Two Rings of Power, he picks up Jalhalla as easily as he would a willowy young lad and throws him into one of the spiked pillars. Since Jalhalla is fat, he rolls along the floor like a bowling ball when thrown. Also, since he’s fat, running into the spikes causes him to pop, shooting rainbow Poes in every direction. Twink has to hunt them down one by one, thrusting and penetrating every which way with his sword. Ecstasy.
Hitting him in the wiener is only going to piss him off, Twink.
Of course, neither Twink nor I have superhuman ghost-raping speed, so the Poes eventually form back into Jalhalla for another round of fat-burning fun. As his internal ghosts are slowly whittled away, Jalhalla doesn’t get any smaller (must be a thyroid issue), but he does bust out with some new and very annoying attacks. One of them involves sucking in a huge breath, drawing Twink toward him. While Twink is all about guys that can suck like vacuum cleaners, this just isn’t the time or the place. More annoying than the blowjob attack is the one where Jalhalla leaps into the air and belly flops onto Twink. Jesus, at least take the guy on a date first. This attack causes head trauma (because Jalhalla’s fat, you see) and confusion, meaning that the directional controls no longer work properly. Insert snide remark about me not noticing the difference.
Lather, rinse, repeat until Twink vanquishes the final Poe with a mixture of bitterness and regret. Why, why wouldn’t they let Twink join in their queer games? Comically, Jalhalla’s empty mask attempts to escape, only to be shot down with yet another convenient shaft of light. Cue Twink’s gay leaping and the Heart Container. The best part is when I go to retrieve one of the treasure orbs and run into one of the wall spikes. I can’t win.
Twink enters the center of the Triforce symbol on the floor, which is now glowing a beautiful blue. This triggers a cut scene with Twink mysteriously standing outside the Triforce symbol. Medli, now safe from the overweight gay ghost that killed her predecessor, runs into the room to stand next to Twink. They nod at each other — once more illustrating the Power of Teamwork™ that got them where they are today — and the camera pulls out to show us that the Masturbator Sword somehow teleported into the center of the glowy Triforce. Twink can barely contain his excitement at the prospect of the new-and-improved fabulous Sword. In fact, his wand is already at attention.
Twink conducts Medli’s fiftieth rendition of the Earth God’s Lyric. Ghost!Laruto even shows up to play the harmony on her ghost!harp. Then, an invisible band lends their talent to the proceedings, complete with Celtic flute. It’s quite pretty, but I would like to know some of the backstory of the invisible band. Do they travel around the sea, looking for appropriate opportunities to improv with actual in-game performers? Is this the same invisible band that provides all the background music of the game? Mysteries we may never solve.
The entire Triforce symbol glows yellow (duh), and little sparkly things rush into the Masturbator Sword, signaling the new enhancement, but without all the poorly spelled spam mail. In another sudden cut, Twink again stands in the center of the Triforce, holding the sword at attention. It starts vibrating and pulsating wildly in his hand. Twink holds on tight, his face scrunching up at this strange yet pleasurable new sensation. Finally, the hilt pops open in release, adding a protrusion on either side of the Masturbator Sword. Would these symbolize the balls?
The “Twink is now a man” music plays while Twink looks up at his invigorated sword with exhausted eyes. Where’s a cigarette when he needs one? Because I have the IQ of a sea cucumber and can’t remember the simplest pieces of information, I was certain that — despite the existence of two temples and sages — the Masturbator Sword would be fully restored after completing just one of them. It turns out that the Masturbator Sword is only half “awakened.” Well, holy shit. Both Medli and the Expositional Text God tell me this, which is okay and not at all insulting to my supposedly limited intelligence.
I’m not sure I really want to know.
Medli reminds Twink that he should visit the Wind Temple next, which is also extremely helpful since it’s not marked on his Sea Chart or anything. Twink sighs, since Medli, in her embracing of the Extreme Obvious, has truly become a sage. Not that he would have done it with her, but he’d like to meet one chick who didn’t devolve into an irritating lametard somewhere during the story. At least she charges Twink with watching over Prince Gollus — now that’s something he can get behind!
Twink uses the magical Triforce light to teleport back to the entrance of the Earth Temple. Ah, it’s good to be out of that place! Even if he is back to the area with all the crabs. I know we’ve covered a lot of ground already in this recap, but we’re not done yet. Don’t panic — Sam will be doing all the Wind Temple stuff. Twink and I are both fed up with dungeons at the moment, to make a tiny understatement. Right now, Twink decides to pick up a couple more Triforce charts while he’s out and about.
The Triforce charts in question are fairly easy to retrieve. As in, there are no tricky puzzles, no hordes of enemies, and nothing that has a time limit. The only thing standing in Twink’s way is my his complete ineptitude at shooting the bomb cannon. South of Greatfish Isle is the Islet of Steel — a squat, cylindrical island surrounded by horned ships that shoot their own bomb cannons at Twink. The single entrance to the island is also blocked by a horny ship. And for good measure, there are some bomb cannons mounted on the wall. Super. I’m not sure if Twink needs to eliminate all the ships and cannons, or just the one asshole blocking his way, but I decide to take them all out, just for good measure. Plus, it’s kind of fun to shoot giant flaming balls out of a phallic protrusion even if I’m bad at it.
My flawless plan for destroying the boats involves sailing up right next to them, dropping anchor (not like that) and bombarding them with, well, bombs until they sink. Oh, I forgot the most important part — climbing back into Sean Connery repeatedly after getting knocked into the water by enemy bombs. I like to live on the edge.
After defeating all the horny boats and one particularly annoying and persistent banned forum poster Kargaroc Princess, Twink gains entrance to the secret cave. If there is a harem of chicks in there, Twink is going to kill something. In actuality, the small and rather unimpressive island is a member of the Small on the Outside, Bigger on the Inside club, just like the church from FFVII. Twink steers Connery into the massive cavern — cripes, I think it’s even bigger than the one that held Jabun, the giant whale god — and toward the shrine at the far end.
Since the cave contains nothing other than the shrine — which has a Big Fucking Triforce symbol painted on it, in case we didn’t realize what was located here — it’s safe to say that the horny ships and bomb cannons existed solely to defend the island’s “secret.” That’s brilliant — hide the Triforce chart in the lame, single-chambered island with some shitty boats to protect it. Seriously, if I could manage to defeat all of them, it’s time to up the security. More effective than the crappy boats is the fact that only the owner of the Wind Wanker can summon up the treasure chest using the Wind’s Requiem. So why did they need the stupid boats and cannons in the first place? I’m going to fanwank that the elusive and talented Triforce Wizard (possibly Tingle) who hid all these charts put the Wind Wanker seal on the thing and Ganondorf is responsible for the lameass boats. That still doesn’t make sense, but I tried.
Whoever hid the chart was kind enough to leave some rupee-filled pots around the area. Twink destroys the pots like he’s freaking getting paid for it (which he is), admires the testicular torches on either side of the staircase, and heads to his next destination.
To the west lies someplace that Twink visited during his Mini-Dicku rescue quest, but that I neglected to mention because I didn’t want to overshadow the fabulous phallocity of the trees. Twink must now return to this place to get the other Triforce Chart, and I can say with confidence that he is very, very excited to be back. You see, this is Needle Rock Isle. As you can guess from such a descriptive name, there is indeed a long, pointed rock spire sticking straight up out of the center of the island. And Twink’s feelings toward this most impressive penis are anything but straight. I can’t give an exact size in relation to other wonderous wangs such as Dragon Phallus Island or Phallus of the Gods since I’d have to get out the measuring stick, but it’s still pretty frickin’ huge.
Unfortunately, Twink doesn’t get to visit the actual island right now. He’s more concerned with a group of horny ships that hang out in the same square as Needle Cock Island. Yes, more God damn ships — look at me jumping up and down in excitement. Three of the ships are the standard issue asshats with their horns and bomb cannons, but the other guy is distinctly more fabulous. His…body — hull? — has been painted a gorgeous golden hue, and a curving crest protrudes from between the two horns. Twink sighs as he sends this sexy ship to its watery grave. If only he could’ve boarded it, he could ditch that jabbermouth Sean Connery and acquire a sea vehicle more to his personal style. Alas.
The golden ship leaves behind a glowing circle in its wake, indicating treasure. It’s a bit of an understatement to say that I blow gangrenous elephant testicles at retrieving underwater treasure, so the time that Twink spends trying to pull the chest up with his grappling hook exceeds the time it took to destroy all of the ships. Yeah, I can hear you laughing through the computer. Assholes.
Twink finally pulls up the chest, his heart aflutter with excitement, only to find he’s won…a yellow rupee! I’m just kidding, obviously it’s the Triforce Chart. What, I don’t recap that much filler, do I? Hey, where are you going?
I don’t really feel like doing another God damn thing in this game, if you can imagine that. We’re getting close to the end, people. But don’t cry — Sam will take you through the Wind Temple next time. At least I think she will. Don’t hold me to that — there are a lot of other time wasters thrilling sidequests in this game. See you in Part 10!