It has a nice ring to it.

This next part makes no sense, either. After Flower Girl asks Bitch if he’d like to talk, she says “I’ve got to check my flowers. It’ll just be a minute.” So I wait and wait and wait. And wait and wait and wait. Finally, I make Bitch talk to her. She tells him to wait a while longer and then says, “Now that you mention it….We don’t know each other’s names, do we?” I don’t recall Bitch ever mentioning anything of the sort. But I get to name Flower Girl. The default name is Aeris, which is remarkably close to “Airhead.” Guess what I name her? “The name’s Bitch,” Bitch (duh) introduces himself, and says he does a little bit of everything. A random dude enters the church. Airhead starts laughing in the middle of the conversation. “Sorry….it’s just…Sorry, bad timing on my part.” is all she says. Bitch goes to talk to the guy. “Bitch! Don’t let it get to you!” Airhead calls after him. HUH?! Bitch shrugs and talks to the guy. “Don’t worry about me,” Random Guy says. Airhead asks if Bitch has ever been a bodyguard. She wants him to help her get home. Bitch agrees, but says that it will cost her. Her idea of payment is a date. Sounds a little like whoring to me. Bitch does not reply, because he’s a badass, remember?

The scene changes to overhead as Bitch confronts Random Guy at the entrance to the church. The music switches from sappy theme to cool jazz (or something). What I’m about to tell you will make no sense. Bitch says, “I don’t know who you are, but…..You don’t know me….?” Across the screen, not in any text block, the words “…..I know you” appear. Damn, I’m tired of typing all these periods. The screen flashes white for a moment. Bitch continues, “Oh yeah….I know you.” Well, I wish you’d fill me in, Bitch. “that uniform…..” (it’s a suit). I think Random Guy says the next line, “Hey sis, this one’s a little weird.” Three blue-uniformed soldiers run in. “Shut up! You Shinra spy!” Bitch shouts. “Reno! Want him taken out?” one of the soldiers asks. I guess Reno is the guy in the suit. That makes it a little easier on me.

The confusing scene is not yet over. “I haven’t decided yet,” Reno replies. Airhead tells them not to fight there or they’ll ruin the flowers. What a dumb thing to worry about at this point. She runs out the back of the church and Bitch follows her. Reno tramples over the flowers. “They were….Mako eyes.” He tells the soldiers not to step the flowers and they’re all “Hey! You just trampled them! You’re gonna catch holy hell!” I guess that was supposed to be comic relief.

I suddenly realize that I will never get the last five minutes of my life back, and that makes me sad.

You’re welcome, Whore.

Bitch and Airhead are climbing to the top of the church as Reno and the soldiers reach the room. Part of the walkway is broken, and Bitch jumps over it easily. Airhead won’t jump, so Bitch says he’ll hold the soldiers off. The soldiers start to shoot and Airhead falls. But she’s okay. “Bitch, help!” she shrieks as the soldiers catch up to her. The next several minutes is spent strategically pushing barrels from the rafters and knocking the soldiers over before they can attack Airhead. With all the soldiers out of the way, Airhead climbs back up, this time jumping over the pit just fine. Well, why didn’t you do that before? Would have saved me some time, but then you people would have one paragraph less in this recap, and how could you live like that?

This church looks a lot smaller from the outside.

Bitch and Airhead exit through the broken roof of the church. Once on the roof of the church (which seems to have shrunk quite a bit), Airhead tells Bitch that it looks like “they” are after her again. Apparently it’s not the first time. “They’re the Turks,” Bitch tells Airhead and us. “The Turks are an organization in Shinra. They scout for possible candidates for SOLDIER.” Airhead replies, “This violently? I thought they were kidnapping someone.” Bitch explains that they’re also involved in “dirty stuff on the side,” like murder. Yeah, I’d say that’s pretty dirty. Although it would have been much more interesting if “dirty stuff” meant starring in gay pornos or something.

Bitch wonders why they are after Airhead. She says that they must believe she has what it takes to be in SOLDIER. I’m not sure if she’s bluffing or if she’s just stupid. Bitch starts climbing over rooftops as Airhead struggles to keep up. He makes some asshole remark about Airhead thinking she could be in SOLDIER. “Oh! You’re terrible!” Airhead exclaims. They giggle. I blink. Airhead suddenly asks if Bitch was ever in SOLDIER. He wonders how she ever guessed that. She replies that his eyes have a strange glow. Damn, I guess it’s not cross-eyes after all. The glow is caused by being infused with Mako, Bitch tells Airhead (and us), and that’s a mark of SOLDIER. He wonders how she knows all that. Well…because you just told her? She clams up, which means it must be Something Important.

They reach the ground, and Airhead says her house is nearby. Luckily for me, there is also a save point nearby. Of course I run into a random battle one step away from it.

It’s time to wrap up this particular recap. Part II of Final Fantasy VII made a few things clearer to us, and that’s good. It also brought with it several scenes of utmost confusion and bad translation…and that’s bad. Or good, if you’re looking for amusement value or you enjoy it when I’m in pain. Sadistic bastards.