When I first played Final Fantasy VII, the only other RPGs under my belt were FFIV, FFVI, and Chrono Trigger. All for the SNES, and, as I learned later, had had any “dirty stuff” taken out. The infamous “topless dancers” in FFIV is probably the best example.

So when I played FFVII for the first time, I immediately noticed the swearing. I like swearing. You can blame my mom for that; I came by it honestly. Then I hit the third hour of FFVII, and, well, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. But in a good way. Sort of. Now I get to recap it for your enjoyment.

In the last recap, Bitch and Airhead escaped from the magically-shrinking church and into what looks like a giant garbage heap. With a save point.

Bitch and Airhead travel through the garbage heap to reach a crappy little town. The NPCs have such helpful dialogue, mentioning such places as “Wall Market” in the slums of Sector 6. That means we’ll have to go there at some point, probably soon.

Crappy town, just like every other town, has an item shop, weapon shop, and materia shop. And even though it’s just a crappy little town, they still have managed to obtain better weapons and armor than the last equally-crappy town.

There’s one not-so-crappy house on the edge of town with a huge flower garden in the backyard and on the roof. It’s Airhead’s house, of course. Um, but didn’t Airhead tell Bitch that the church was the only place that flowers could grow in Midgar? Whoops, game designers. Well, maybe those are fake flower bushes, although that would be damn sad.

Inside the house, Airhead announces that she’s home. She still lives with her mom, apparently. Her mom’s name is Elmyra. Yipes. Airhead introduces Bitch as her bodyguard, which prompts Elmyra to ask if Airhead was followed again. So her mom knows about all these kidnapping attempts or whatever. She’s concerned, of course, but doesn’t seem to be all that concerned about her daughter bringing home some random guy. Elmyra thanks Bitch for helping Airhead, and then goes upstairs.

A very wanky conversation takes place. Bitch says he wants to go to Tita’s bar in Sector 7. Airhead asks if Tita is a girl. Crap, she’s fallen in love with Bitch already. When he replies yes, she asks if Tita is his girlfriend. God, this is so high school. Oh goody, I get to pick Bitch’s reply. I make him say no, only because I doubt someone like Bitch would want any of these wankers to be his girlfriend. Airhead starts giggling. “You don’t have to get THAT upset…” she simpers, obviously glad that he did get that upset.

Airhead offers to show him the way to Sector 7, but of course Bitch is a big manly man and doesn’t want Airhead to put herself in danger. She tells him she’s used to it, and Bitch replies, “…..Well, don’t know…getting help from a girl….” On one hand, he’s a sexist idiot and I want to kill him, but on the other hand all he has for comparison are all the silly wenches in the game, so I don’t know if I can blame him for his opinion. Airhead gets pissed and says, “You expect me to just sit by and listen, after hearing you say something like that?!” At least she’s not fawning all over him for this one line.

Airhead yells up the stairs to her mom, telling her that she’s taking Bitch to Sector 7. Airhead’s mom walks all the way down the stairs and stops right in front of them. It takes a while. Why couldn’t she say something from the stairs? “But dear…I give up. You never listen once you’ve made up your mind,” Elmyra concedes without even trying to stop Airhead in the first place. She suggests that they leave tomorrow, since it’s getting late, and then tells Airhead to make the bed. So I guess Bitch is staying overnight. Yeah, I’m sure if I lived with my mom in the slums, and brought some random guy home, that she would not only allow him to stay, but frickin’ invite him.

After Airhead leaves, Elmyra and Bitch have a chat. Elmyra can tell right away that Bitch was in SOLDIER, and she asks him to leave in the night without saying anything to Airhead. “SOLDIER…the last thing Airhead needs is to get her feelings hurt again…,” Elmyra says. Yes, that would be my prime worry about my daughter hanging out with a random guy she just met…..her feelings getting hurt. Bitch agrees, probably glad as hell to get away from yet another clingy female.

Upstairs, there are two bedrooms. I’m not sure how they’re going to divide them up between three people. Airhead makes some random small talk and bids Bitch good night. “Oh man…,” he randomly says. Fade out.

Crap, there’s more of that nonsensical dream-dialogue.

Voice: ….seem pretty tired….
Bitch: ……..?!
Voice: I haven’t been in a bed like this…in a long time.
Bitch: …Oh, yeah.
Voice: Ever since that time.

Fade in on a different house, in what must be some sort of flashback. Bitch is sprawled out on a bed, and a blond woman is standing nearby. She is wearing an apron and has her hair in a bun, just like Airhead’s mom, so this must be Bitch’s mom. It is. She says a bunch of creepy things such as, “I’ll bet the girls never leave you alone” and “You should have an older girlfriend, one that’ll take care of you.” Like a mother? Ew. Bitch says he’s not interested. If he were Squally, I’d think that maybe he was gay. Hell, he might be gay, but I really don’t care in this case.

Since the mysterious voice spoke about being in a bed, and Bitch is the only one we see in said bed, we can conclude one of two things: a) Bitch has an imaginary bed buddy, or b) Bitch has some sort of split personality disorder and hears voices in his head. I’m guessing both.

The dream ends and Bitch wakes up. He’s in one of the two rooms, Airhead is in the other, just sitting on her bed. Doing nothing. Who the hell just sits on their bed and does nothing? Well, I’m sure there are those who enjoy that, but to me it seems kind of odd. She doesn’t seem to be smoking anything. Bitch leaves his room and walks quietly past Airhead’s room and down the stairs. Elmyra is nowhere.

Bitch heads west out of town. At the entrance to Sector 6, Airhead is waiting for him. There is no freakin’ way she would have made it there in the two seconds it took Bitch to get there. Unless there’s some secret passageway or Airhead has mastered the art of apparation. If the latter is true, I wish that she would make use of that elsewhere so I didn’t have to try to find my way around so much. Whatever the case, Airhead is there, and she’s determined to tag along with Bitch. “You have to go through the slum in Sector 6 to get to Tita’s 7th Heaven.” Funny, but Bitch never actually mentioned the name of the bar. And if it’s common knowledge, then would Airhead have had to ask earlier if Tita was a girl? More importantly, does it freak anyone else out that Tita’s bar is named after a particularly bad TV show?

Square was so enamored of their new 3D toy that they made this weird mishmash of discarded machine parts and other garbage that forms a path to the next area. Bitch and Airhead have to fight some random battles, including some against an animate house. Who came up with that idea, and can they share some of what they were smoking with the rest of us?

In the midst of all the garbage is a whimsical little playground, and right beyond is the gate to Sector 7. Bitch tries once again to get rid of Airhead. Obviously he didn’t read the script. Airhead wants to take a break, and she climbs up on this big strange-looking cat slide. Bitch climbs up and sits beside her. Airhead asks Bitch what rank he was in SOLDIER. There’s that weird flash of white light right before Bitch replies, “First Class.” “Just the same as him,” Airhead replies cryptically. “The same as who?” Bitch wonders. “My first boyfriend,” Airhead explains. So now we know why she knows about Mako eyes and why her mother was worried about Airhead’s feelings being hurt. Airhead says she wasn’t serious about him, but she liked him. What a ringing endorsement. Bitch wants to know his name, seeing as how he probably knew him, but Airhead won’t tell.

The moment is interrupted when the Sector 7 gate opens and a chocobo-drawn carriage emerges. Tita is standing on the back of it, wearing a slutty dress. Bitch spots her and calls out. Tita doesn’t respond, and the cart heads east. “That girl in the cart was Tita? Where was she going? She looked kind of odd…” Airhead says, as if she, a CBPS character in a pink dress, looks spectacular or something. She jumps down and runs off in the direction of the cart, and Bitch tries to make her go home. Again. Give it up, Bitch. And shut up, too. He jumps down and runs after her.

Bitch ends up in a town that, like all other towns so far, is made up of discarded mechanical parts. This one, however, is more lit up and populated, not to mention sleazy. And it has a name: Wall Market. Airhead runs up to Bitch and says, “This place is scary in a lot of ways. Especially for a girl. So we’ve got to find Tita fast.” Hm, I don’t know if I’m frightened or intrigued.

On the east edge of town is the scariest building ever to appear in an RPG. It’s all pink and bright, with the kanji character for “woman” and hearts all over the place. In other words, it’s a whorehouse. Several guys are hanging around outside, working up the nerve to go inside. One of them is named Johnny, and he recognizes Bitch as “Tita’s childhood friend”. He’s confused as to why Bitch would bring a “new girlfriend” to such a place, but he’s really one to talk.

Bitch asks another of the guys about Tita. “Hey, you’re pretty fast. Tita’s our newest girl.” I guess when you are sad because your intended boyfriend falls off a high ledge, you go out and become a prostitute. Well, everyone deals with their grief in different ways, I guess. Random Exposition Man goes on to say that Tita is having an interview with Don Corneo, the guy in charge, I guess, and he just so happens to be in the “market for a bride”. Oh, Tita, what have you gotten yourself into?

Don Corneo’s mansion is at the farthest possible point from the Honey Bee Inn, of course. The guy at the door won’t let Bitch in because the Don is “not into men”. But he checks out Airhead. Airhead takes Bitch aside and tells him that she’ll go inside and find Tita. Bitch is not too thrilled with this idea. “You DO know…what kind of…place this is, don’t you?” he asks. Airhead wonders if he wants to go with her, to which he replies, “Well, being a man, that’ll be pretty hard. Besides, if I bust in there, it’ll cause too much commotion.” You see where this is going, don’t you? DON’T YOU? The same little light bulb goes on over Airhead’s head. She starts laughing, but Bitch doesn’t notice for a few more lines. “Bitch, why don’t you dress up like a girl? It’s the only way.” I like the way she thinks.

Bitch, of course, is all into this on some level, but he would never admit it. Airhead goes over to the guy at the door and tells him that she’ll be back later with a cute friend. I love this with my entire being. Bitch protests the idea, but Airhead plays the “worried about Tita” card and guilts him into going along. Since Bitch hasn’t really shown all that much concern toward Tita thus far, I don’t really buy that that’s the reason behind his compliance.

Their first stop is the dress shop. When Airhead inquires about buying a dress, the woman at the counter tells her that there might be a delay. Her father, the dressmaker, has been depressed lately and spends his days drunk at the bar. Airhead offers to go and get him. She’s a woman on a mission — she wants her man to dress as a chick, and nothing’s gonna stop her!