When we last left our blocky objects of fanboy obsession, they had finished up Bitch’s seemingly neverending Long-Ass Flashback and proceeded to take off after the villainous Sephiroth. But not because Bitch still harbors a schoolgirl crush on the guy. Not at all. This is to…to save the Planet! Yes, that’s it!
Their chase led them across the land, to such grand adventures as riding a chocobo across the penis-infested marshes, stopping in at an incompetent Shinra-besieged fort, and saving a random girl from another penis monster by using the magic of CPR. Seriously — a million different instant healing methods in this game, and Bitch had to do it the old-fashioned way.
We left off after this whirlwind of excitement just outside the crappy city of Junon. This means that the first thing I see after restoring the game is Junon’s massive, erect gun protruding over the ocean. And I think we’ve hit the high point of the recap.
Just inside the city, a lone woman invites Bitch into her humble abode. This woman — and according to the strategy guide, she’s a woman — is tickled pink that Bitch saved the town’s most favoritest little girl from her own lethal stupidity. Mr. T and Gay Lion emerge from Bitch in time to spot the three beds lined up along one wall of the tiny dwelling. Seriously, this chick has a one-room house with three beds. Of course, I’m sure the beds totally belong to some unseen family members and aren’t there just for the purpose of providing our heroes with a place to sleep. So it’s just an extra convenient coincidence that the woman invites the three of them to spend the night there.
To most of us, it might seem like a bad idea to, as a lone female, offer your only beds to three obviously dangerous males. I can see only two reasons for this, not counting painful stupidity on the part of the homeowner. Possibility number one — since these three men (two men and a strapping young lion, rather) just saved a pwechus young chyld, there’s no way they could be sexual predators or any other type of criminal. Because only people who don’t like children are terrible people. The other possibility is that this worldly woman took one look at the trio, realized they’re all gayer than a barrel of hobbits, and knew that her precious woman bits were in no danger of molestation. Or you can fanwank your own explanation — it doesn’t matter to me.
After the woman leaves — probably to give these three some “alone time,” Mr. T suggests that they get down to business. Bitch can either reply “We’ll try later” or “Let’s rest.” Given that the game would like us to think that they’re just going to take a nap, “We’ll try later” seems like a strange way to phrase “Nah, let’s look around for a while.” This is my overactive imagination trying to come up with explanations for the shitty translation, so let’s just move along.
Unfortunately for the kindly owner of the house, Bitch immediately gets his psychosis all over her clean sheets. See, the Out of Tune Piano of Schizophrenia segues us into a conversation between Bitch and the still-unidentified voices in his head. This particular dialogue involves the usual text over a black screen. One of the participants uses a gray font, and the other uses white. And that’s the last understandable thing about the scene. I will transcribe it here for your enjoyment, while I attempt to bludgeon myself into game-designer levels of brain damage. So that I can try to figure out what’s going on, you see.
Gray Text: “…That reminds me”
White Text: “You again? …Who are you?”
GT: I’m Batman “…You’ll find out soon. …But more importantly, 5 years ago…”
Jeanne: Oh, not back to that fucking trainwreck of a plotline.
WT: “5 Years ago…Nibelheim?”
GT: “No, I’m talking about that sandwich shop you went to one time where you had that awesome sub. Do you happen to remember the name of that place? I’m kind of hungry.”
WT: “This kind of mundane conversation has no place in this pretentious game. Fanboys can’t jizz themselves over a fricking sub sandwich. We need indecipherable plotlines and dialogue that doesn’t make sense. Get with the program already.”
GT: “Sorry. Uh — how’s this? *ahem* When you went to Mt. Nibel then, Tita was your guide, right?”
WT: “Yeah…I was surprised.”
Jeanne: That makes one of us, then.
GT: “But where was Tita other than that?”
WT: “…I dunno. I’m not her God damn stalker. It’s the other way around, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
GT: “It was a great chance for you two to see each other again.”
Jeanne: I’m glad the voices in Bitch’s head like to hook him up with chicks. Jesus Christ.
WT: “…You’re right.”
Jeanne: *shoots self in head*
GT: “Why couldn’t you see each other alone?”
WT: “Because I was trying to bang Sephiroth. I mean, uh, I don’t know. I can’t remember clearly…”
GT: “Why don’t you try asking Tita?”
WT: “No…I mean, yeah.”
GT: “Then, get up!”
At that exact moment, Tita coincidentally appears to wake Bitch up. So on one hand, my sanity is somewhat spared now that the incredibly lame inner monologue has ended. But going from that to a Moment with Tita is like kissing Rinoa to get the taste of Shion out of your mouth. Going back to the psychotic episode, I’m making the assumption that Bitch is the white text, while the Unknown Conversational Partner is the gray text. Because that makes the most sense. Sadly, that means I’m probably wrong. Anyway, if it’s true, then that means that the voices in Bitch’s head, instead of wondering about things like “Hey, what happened after you confronted Sephiroth?” or any number of plotline-relevant questions from five years ago, wants to know why he didn’t get to have a private bonk session with Tita. This fucking game.
Because Bitch apparently listens to the voices in his head that tell him to burn things, he immediately asks Tita, “When Sephiroth and I went to Nibelheim, where were you?” Uh, wasn’t she in Nibelheim? Tita’s only response is, “…We saw each other, right?” “The other time,” Bitch clarifies.
Wait, what?
And to make matters worse, Tita replies, “No…it was 5 years ago. I don’t remember.”
What the fuck is going on here?!
I know I’ve alluded to this before, but I’m starting to understand why fanboys have spent the last eight years dissecting the shit out of this game on message boards — because it doesn’t make any God damn sense. And instead of just accepting, “Hey, I spent 50+ hours on something that makes no God damn sense!” fanboys try to rationalize the wasted hours by desperately attempting to find some shred of coherency in this mind-numbing trainwreck. And I’m not saying I don’t understand that urge, since here I am spending hours of my own life writing about the game, but at some point, you just have to try to find some humor in it. Instead of, say, acting like this game is super deep and, like, the second coming of Jesus. No, that last part comes later in this game.
I’m not sure if Tita is trying to humor the insane object of her lust or if she’s just as fucked in the head as he is. But as a point in her favor, she ends the conversation by informing Bitch that something is happening outside. Unless it’s a shoopuf-raping circus clown with eye lasers and a suit made of spiders, it can only be an improvement over this scene.
That’s how I feel while playing this game.
In the midst of the brain stabbing conversation, I forgot to mention that the music has now changed to a triumphant and rather catchy march. And it’s good that it’s catchy, because it will be playing incessantly for at least the next half hour. Bitch, deprived of his deep and meaningful conversation, heads outside to find his other party members. They’ve gathered around the bottom of a staircase, and it looks like the whole gang is there, including the chicks.
They’re puzzled about the different music, since town tunes don’t just change for no reason. The cause doesn’t appear to be located anywhere in the lower part of the city. At Airhead’s urging, Bitch heads up the nearby stairs to check on the precious little angel he saved from the mean fish monster. Before he reaches the top, Priscilla steps outside to meet him. She proves herself less annoying than 99% of RPG kids by thanking Bitch, apologizing for being a dick to him earlier, and then offering him “something SPECIAL.” And we’re back into the realm of wrong. But it turns out to be okay — the “SPECIAL” item is simply an amulet with the Shiva summon materia in it. So the kid may not be irritating, but she’s incredibly dumb. Her stupidity is to my advantage, though, so I’ll shut up.
She also has some useful information to offer — “I heard they’re rehearsing the reception for the new Shinra president.” Hence the music. What a coincidence that the Shinra bigwigs just happen to be in town at the same time Sephiroth was spotted there! “[ProtoSeifer]!? I gotta pay my respects,” Mr. T blusters. That sounds like a great and flawless plan.
Because of her grandparents’ constant bitching about the pollution caused by Shinra, Priscilla has developed an almost psychotic hate for the company. Her declaration is ignored by the group, as Airhead wonders if ProtoSeifer is headed in the same direction as they are. “What? Does that mean Sephiroth already crossed the ocean?” someone wonders. They didn’t bother to label the dialogue box, so the speaker will have to remain a mystery for all time. No one answers this question, as it’s kind of stupid.