In the last part, which is also part one of a double recap, Bitch and the others finally escaped the Shinra building in a most dramatic fashion. We also met a new bad guy, like there weren’t enough of them already, and got to a safe enough place for Bitch to provide some obnoxiously long backstory. So without further ado, let’s go ahead and get this flashback started.

Bitch starts out by reminding us all that he joined SOLDIER so he could be just like his hero Sephiroth. That’s not the least bit gay. “After working with Sephiroth on several missions, we became friends,” Bitch continues. Right. Friends. Mr. T doesn’t think anyone could be friends with Sephiroth, so Bitch quickly backpedals, hoping that no one catches on to his true feelings. Tita lets out a series of suspicious ellipses, perhaps cleverer than I give her credit for. “So I guess you’d call him a war buddy…….. We screwed trusted each other. Until one day……” “….one day?” Airhead Shions. I have an idea — let’s drag this out as long as possible. Yay!

“After the war it was SOLDIER’s duty to put down any resistance against the Shinra,” Bitch drones on. Wait — what war? Did they ever tell us what fucking war? Is it the same random war that Airhead’s mom described in her flashbacks? Well, whatever war it was, it finished five years ago, when Bitch was the jailbait age of 16. Cue flashback mode. Bitch, two generic Shinra soldiers, and Sephiroth are riding in what appears to be some sort of cargo truck. The game designers put enough detail into the front windshield and its wipers to impress me if Sephiroth himself didn’t look like a midget made of legos. He’s dressed all in black, with long silver girl hair and heavily styled bangs. I think I knew a couple of girls who sprayed their hair up like that back when I was in sixth grade. For the record, that was in the 80s. This gives you an idea of Sephiroth’s personal style.

Bitch, in the grand tradition of RPGs, has not changed his clothes since he hit puberty. One thing that has changed is his personality. Teen!Bitch is not the moody, mysterious, badass hero that Square wants us to think Adult!Bitch is. Nope, this guy is overly friendly and talkative, asking everyone how they’re feeeeeeeeling. Shit, I didn’t think Bitch could irritate me any more than he already does. Sephiroth can’t take the hyper message board teenybopper behavior and tells Bitch to shut the hell up. This, when put through Teen!Bitch!Brain, translates into “talk some more while being an irritating spaz.” Wow, it is like message board behavior. He starts doing the same squat animation that was used during the gym sequence, only this time it’s accompanied by a breathless squee-fest over his new materia. “….just like a kid,” Sephiroth comments. And unless he’s got something in common with Seymour, I don’t think he means that in a good way.

Bitch wants to know all about their mission. When Sephiroth tells him that this mission is different than the others, Bitch creams his shorts. The reason? “I joined SOLDIER so I could be like you. But by the time I made First Class, the war was already over. My big hopes of becoming a hero like you ended with the war. That’s why I always sign up whenever there’s a big mission. Kind of a way to prove myself.” This monologue can be summed up in one sentence — “Bend me over that cardboard box over there and make me a man.” Christ, I’m not a Final Fantasy VII yaoi fan, but when Bitch all but has his tongue crammed down Sephiroth’s throat, it’s kind of hard to miss.

All the people who force me to recap games that cause me pain.

Having let his true desires be known, Bitch asks Sephiroth about his feeeeeeelings. Sephiroth brushes off his youthful advances, reminding Bitch that he wanted a mission briefing. Oh. Right. Bitch feels sheepish and a bit disappointed. But back to the mission! They’re supposed to investigate a Mako reactor that has supposedly malfunctioned and produced monsters or something. Step One: kick some monster ass. Step Two: fix the reactor problem. Step Three: profit. The Mako reactor in question is coincidentally located in Bitch’s hometown, Nibelheim.

Suddenly, a shitty crash sound effect is heard. Oh noes — the truck has crashed into a monster! According to Sephiroth, this is “[their] Monster.” The capitalization gives it great significance. The two scrub soldiers stay behind as the big bad SOLDIERs go off to fight. Instead of the usual groovy battle music, this battle is accompanied by an ominous tune with a heartbeat and evil bell tolling. This becomes mildly significant later. The funny thing about this battle is that Sephiroth has a virtual assload of HP (3264, to be exact), while Bitch has…..140. They really pick the cream of the crop to be SOLDIER First Class. Holy shit, a wet kleenex has more HP. The monster — excuse me, Monster — is a ginormous green dragon. On its first turn it reduces Bitch to BBQ. Sephiroth finishes it off easily with his humongous phallic Sephiroth Brandâ„¢ sword. Bitch’s total uselessness in this battle is supposed to underscore Sephiroth’s extreme awesomeness. Not that the game designers went overboard or anything.

‘I think it might be…a Tidus fangirl!’

Because the game designers don’t think we have the brains that God gave a jellyfish, we return to the present time in order for Bitch to explain, “Sephiroth’s strength is unreal. He is far stronger in reality than any story you might have heard about him.” Christ. Airhead prompts him for his feelings on the matter, causing Bitch to confess that Sephiroth’s mad fighting skillz made him jizz himself. More ellipses of suspicion from Tita. I love it when the game designers make my job easy.

‘His ass looked SO fine when he swung that big sword.’

Flashback time! Unlike the composer for Grandia II’s music, Nobuo Uematsu has cooked up a very fitting Tragic Town Theme Of Much Angst for Nibelheim. At the entrance to the town, Sephiroth saunters forward, then turns back to the others. “How does it feel?” he asks seductively. Bitch has to hide the front of his jumpsuit bottoms from Sephiroth, but the girl-haired badass is only referring to Bitch’s first visit back to his hometown in five years. “I wouldn’t know because I don’t have a hometown…” Sephiroth awkwardly volunteers. Yes, that sounds like something a big bad loner would say.

This prompts the obsequious Bitch to ask about Sephiroth’s parents. “My mother is Jenova. She died right after she gave birth to me. My father…” Sephiroth trails off, laughing like a loon. “What does it matter…?” he finally says. With his heavy-handed dialogue out of the way, Sephiroth heads toward the town. I get control of Bitch so that I can Talk To Everyone — namely, the two peon soldiers and Bitch’s pimpdaddy, Sephiroth. Soldier #1, who will now be known as Bob, complains about boredom, much like anyone who “plays” Xenosaga. Bitch has two choices here. One essentially brushes off Bob’s whiny complaint, while the other…Jesus, I have to repeat this verbatim: “You want to do what we always do?” Holy Christ on a cream puff.

Obviously, I choose the latter option. No way am I going to pass that shit up, even if that makes me a total masochist. “Shall we practice?” Bitch invites. “Practice…oh, you mean practice my pose,” Bob fudges. Sure, that’s one way to put it. “Does someone in SOLDIER always have to be careful about what other people think?” he wonders. Is this the FF7 way of saying “Don’t ask, don’t tell”? The series of blocks making up Bob’s form shift slightly, causing his left hand to disappear somewhere in the vicinity of Bitch’s crotch. He wonders if he’s doing it correctly. “Good job!” Bitch exults, satisfied. “I really don’t want to be in SOLDIER,” Bob pouts, giving this scene a slightly more sinister bent. Is the horny teenage Bitch using his “position” to get favors from underlings? Sicko.

Finished for now, Bitch goes over to talk to Soldier #2, aka Schtolteheim Reinbach. Schtolty warns Bitch that he’ll get in trouble with Sephiroth if he doesn’t stop running around like a spaz. And getting handjobs from the peons. Or maybe Schtolty is simply warning Bitch that Sephiroth doesn’t like to share, so quit screwing around or Bitch will have no chance with their fabulous leader. Bitch is all, “Oh shit!” and goes over to talk to the man himself. “The Mako smell is pretty bad here,” Sephiroth informs us. Whether it smells like sulfury intestinal gas or week-old garbage, we never find out. Also, this stench puts Sephiroth right out of the mood, so he’s unwilling to respond to Bitch’s advances. Fangirls everywhere cry.

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Let’s backtrack a bit. Now, those of you with more than two braincells have already made a connection between Jenova the headless, one-nippled sack of flesh and Jenova, Sephiroth’s mother. What’s so cool is that the game designers expect us to get this and don’t violate us in the ass with the Plot Significance Mallet. God, you guys are so gullible. Obviously, it’s Mr. T who figures this out two minutes after the conversation. “I remember Jenova. That’s that damn headless spook livin’ in the Shinra building,” he rocket scientists. Here’s a fucking medal for remembering something extremely unusual that happened an hour ago. Tita rolls her eyes and tells her former boss to put a sock in it. She wants to know if her man got it on with a guy who has better hair than she does. “It’s a reunion of childhood pals!” Airhead dumbasses out of the blue. “……I was really surprised with Tita,” Bitch randomly dumbasses in return. These poorly translated lines can only mean that Bitch was surprised that Tita grew such a rack in two years. Hey, if they’re going to give me shitty dialogue, I’m going to make up my own story.

Over a black screen, Bitch remembers how everyone hid in their houses. He doesn’t know if it’s because of the monsters or because of the scary SOLDIERs. I think it was Bitch’s hairstyle — someone could seriously put an eye out with that. Back in Past!Nibelheim, Sephiroth heads immediately for the inn, beckoning Bitch to come to bed early. Because they’re leaving at dawn….yeah, that’s why. Sephiroth sets either Bob or Schtolteheim Reinbach as the lookout, then tells Bitch to visit his friends and family. Bitch is confused over these mixed signals.

I know quite a few people who would pay for that shot…er, picture.

I get control of Bitch. Instead of letting him give in to his raging teenage hormones, I explore the delightful town of Nibelheim. It’s roughly the size of a postage stamp, with a big watertower thingy in the middle of the town. I think that’s where Bitch and Tita talked during their nauseating flashback. And I value my wellbeing too much to actually check.

Some random NPC with a camera is squeeing like a fangirl over the opportunity to snap a photo of Sephiroth. He’s going to stick it up on his mirror and kiss it every night. That little horndog Bitch tells Camera Guy that he can take his picture anytime. But no, CG is all about the raging girl hair and exceptionally large swords. Bitch isn’t about to take this, so orders CG to go hide from the monsters. CG throws a whiny fit before recognizing Bitch. “So that’s how it is, huh?” he pouts. What?