At the bar, there are three or so people, so it’s not too difficult to find the dressmaker. He’s totally wasted. “Excuse us, are you the father of the girl at the Clothing Store?” Airhead wonders. “I own the Clothes Shop…but I ain’t your father,” the dressmaker replies. I’ve never been that far gone. “Make me some clothes,” Bitch demands suddenly. See? He’s cutting right to the chase. If he was that reluctant, he wouldn’t be so eager, would he? The dressmaker responds that he doesn’t make men’s clothes, and Airhead tells Bitch to go have a drink while she talks to the dressmaker. Bitch turns away, but doesn’t actually go anywhere. However, he’s in the “soundproof bubble” where RPG characters magically go after someone tells them not to listen, even though they’re standing close enough to hear every word.
“He always said that just once, he’d like to dress up like a girl,” Airhead tells the dressmaker. The dressmaker is shocked. “What!? A tough lookin guy like that?” he asks. Yeah, that blond guy that looks like someone’s prison bitch. He’s so manly. This is intriguing enough for the dressmaker to agree to make Bitch a dress. Now I get to pick what kind of dress for him to make. I choose something that is soft and shimmers. Because that’s what the players guide told me to do. “Hmm, got it. Y’know I got a friend that has the same taste as him. I’ll go talk to him,” says the dressmaker. Another crossdresser? Now I am intrigued.
Bitch and Airhead head back to the clothing store, and in the ten seconds it takes for them to get there, the dress is already done. And they even left the bar before the dressmaker did! He’s magical! Bitch goes into the dressing room to try on his new silk dress. There are the “RPG character changing clothes” sounds that, although they don’t happen too often (due to the one-outfit-per-character rule), are always exactly the same. They sound like someone sweeping the floor. Bitch asks Airhead how he’s supposed to put it on. Okay, I understand that he supposedly has never worn a dress before, but please. It’s not rocket science. Airhead peeks into the dressing room and decides that Bitch needs a wig.
The dressmaker is already one step ahead of her. In the ten seconds where he left the bar after them, made it back to the shop before them, and sewed an entire dress, he also managed to talk to the aforementioned friend about obtaining a wig. Wow, if I could do stuff that fast, it would solve so many of my problems. “You know the gym? You’ll find a lot of people there like you. Go and talk to them,” insists the dressmaker. A cross-dressing gym? This is my kind of town! Bitch comes out of the dressing room. “…’like you’? Airhead, what did you tell him?” She brushes off the question, as if she didn’t just tell the dressmaker the honest truth.
The gym, which has kanji characters on the sign that translate to “men men men”, is, indeed, full of men. Three of the guys are doing squats. Yes, squats. Sadly, no one is doing pushups on their backs. The leader of the gym, who appears to be dressed as a woman (although the CBPS is so shitty, we can’t really tell), asks Bitch if he’s the one “who wants to be cute”. Bitch is confused, but Airhead steps in and answers in the affirmative. She asks about the wig. The gym leader transvestite replies, “Yeah, I heard. But it’ll cost ya.” Wow, maybe I don’t want to see this scene. “Big Bro!! The only way you’re gonna get cuter is if you can beat Big Bro!!” says someone unknown because the text box is not labeled. All the men jump into the fray at this point. Run, Bitch! “You’re right. Let’s do squats,” some other random unidentified person says. Bitch, why are you not running yet? “Are you…..,” Bitch begins. “THE beautiful Bro?” Airhead finishes. You know what? Something’s supposed to be funny here, but I’m so completely confused as to who’s talking and why. Bottom line: Bitch has to beat some guy in a squat competition. He does, and receives the blond wig from Big Bro or who-the-fuck-ever. The guy who lost starts crying and Big Bro, if indeed Big Bro is the gym leader guy (it’s not like I can tell from the shitty translation), punches him across the room. I hope he didn’t break a nail.
With that out of the way, Bitch goes around town obtaining other accessories for his outfit. Why, you ask, does the guy go out of his way to make the perfect ensemble? I think we all know the answer. And no, it’s not “Jeanne read the players guide and found out how to make the best possible outfit for Bitch”.
First stop, the bar. Again. Some guy is standing there, doing, as the players guide puts it, a “pee pee dance”. He’s been waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom all day. Why doesn’t he just go to one of the many other nearby buildings, you ask? He’s a wanker. The person in the bathroom is clearly having problems. Hey, I know how much that sucks. But….all day? Damn.
The pharmacy, aka the item store, is selling potions and all that usual crap. However, those types of things must not cover digestive issues. They never really go into how those types of items work.
I consult my players guide and head over to the restaurant. They just so happen to be giving out pharmacy coupons for free. For some strange reason, the pharmacy coupon will only get me one of three kinds of medicines, and yet without it, I can’t even buy a fucking pepto bismol. I’m confused. I ignore the Disinfectant and the Deodorant in favor of the Digestive. I’m sure all those things would help in some way in this situation, but still.
With Digestive in hand, Bitch returns to the bar, gives the medicine to the woman in the can, and in return, she gives him the “sexy cologne”. How ironic. The guy too stupid to go to another building to pee finally gets to use the bathroom, and all is right with the world. Oh, except for that whole Mako energy destroying the planet thing.
Golly gee, dagnabbit.
The guy in the materia shop is a pervert. He wants to have a “man to man” conversation with Bitch, a random person he just met. “……I’m sorry but, young lady? Would you turn the other way for a second?” Dude, this is the chick who wants her man to dress up like a female. I doubt there’s anything you couldn’t say in front of her. Airhead, peeved, goes to stand a couple of feet away, encased in the non-existent soundproof bubble.
The materia guy is dying to know what’s in the vending machine in the inn, but he can’t go because he’s banned from the inn after a fight with the innkeeper. I wonder if he raised a huge stink about his banishment and enlisted his friends to send messages to the innkeeper about how it was so unfair. Or maybe that’s just what happens on ezboards. Anyway, whatever is in the vending machine is naughty enough that he doesn’t want a girl to get it for him. Dang, what kind of vending machines do they have here? I’ve seen ones with candy bars or pop (soda, for those of you not from my neck of the woods). Maybe even sandwiches if you’re getting really creative. But nothing like sex toys or whatever.
Bitch agrees, and he and Airhead run off to the inn. In the middle of the night, Bitch goes to the vending machine and buys the most expensive item there. 200 Gil. That should at least get you a fake ass modeled after a porn star, I would think. We have to wait in suspense to find out, though. The next morning, Bitch returns to the materia shop (apparently Tita is waiting patiently inside Don Corneo’s mansion this entire time). The item turns out to be………A PROTEIN DRINK SET. What the….? Well, I guess that could be considered dirty, depending on what you mean by “protein”. The materia shop guy is not happy. He vows to do more business than the innkeeper. Because I’m sure that so many more people buy materia than stay overnight in a bustling town. Bitch gets a diamond tiara for his efforts. I love how everyone has random feminine clothing items just lying around. Even the damn materia guy, for cripes sakes.
A guy wandering around near the Honey Bee Inn chickens out and gives his Members’ Card to Bitch. This is his lucky day. The guy at the door lets him in, and poor Airhead has to wait outside with all the perverts, who crowd around her as soon as she’s alone. Ew. There’s some dialogue that confuses me. “…Hmm. That’s how you’ll fool them,” says Bitch. “…….Hmmmmmm. So that’s how you fooled them,” says Airhead. That makes no fucking sense.
The scariest shit is about to take place. Inside the Honey Bee Inn, this naughty-sounding blippy music plays as Bitch is prompted to choose a room. There are several doors encircling the main area, and some of the rooms are already occupied. That doesn’t stop Bitch from looking inside, though.
In the Lovers’ Room, there’s some porno music as we read such dialogue as, “…wheez…” and “Phew…”. Clearly these are supposed to be sexual noises (although I would probably lose all interest if I ever heard either of those while in the sack), but the joke’s on us! It’s just two old people sitting around talking about how their son rented them the room. I am immediately creeped out by any guy who would get a room at a sex house for his elderly parents. Pervert.
Next stop: The Queen’s Room. No, it’s not full of gay guys. Well, it might be — they never really go into the sexuality of the people in the room. If you expected the dialogue to make sense here….well, it probably will, because clearly you have been smoking a lot of crack. The music turns all evil and there are some effects that are supposed to simulate lightning and thunder….or something. Some guy, dressed as a king, spouts inane dialogue like “It’s the curse of the resurrected Satan…Our beloved Queen does not awaken…” Hey, that kind of rhymes. There are some other guys in the room, dressed in suits. They whisper to each other as King Dumbass continues his apocalyptic dialogue. He’s the president of some company, and his underlings are pissed off that they have to go through this shit every time they travel to Midgar. But they’re too chicken to stop his little performance.
The joke on us is that his dialogue is actually…..foreshadowing for later in the game! Except for the “resurrected Satan” part. Unless you’re really stretching things. “A legend has been passed on through generations…the sought after Promised Land……One with Blue Eyes…and a Great White Sword on his back……Will not lead to the Promised Land…..” Then we hear some disturbing sounds and that’s the end of the scene.
Next, Bitch has to choose a room to…um…”occupy”. The choices are the “@#$% Room” or the “Group Room”. As intriguing as “@#$% Room” sounds, I imagine that the Group Room is like the @#$% Room on crack. So which do you think I pick?
What follows is quite possibly the most disturbing scene ever found in an RPG. Bitch enters the unoccupied room along with the woman dressed as a slutty bee. She leads him over to a hot tub and asks if they should get started. “I guess that since you chose this room, that would mean you…hate being lonely?” I make Bitch say, “Cut the small talk.” Clearly, he has no idea what’s in store for him. “Come on, everyone’s waiting,” Slutty Bee tells him. As if on cue, there’s a knock on the door and a large group of muscle men, most likely from the gym, run in. Bitch jumps out of the way in fear. I don’t blame him. Some guy named Mukki says, “Wassup!!” I believe this game pre-dated that whole stupid “wazzup” commercial craze, so you can see that our popular media gets their ideas from gay crossdressing muscle men in Japanese video games.
I can make Bitch choose “I’m outta here” or “This could be dangerous….”. I have no idea if it even matters what you pick during this scene, but I’m going to pick the choices that sound the most like they will extend the scene. So I pick the second. “Looks like I’m always going to be facing crises all my life…,” is Bitch’s only reaction to the imminent molestation, like it’s just one of those things he has to put up with. Mukki tells Bitch (who he calls “Bubby”) to loosen up. He also says “…heave…pant…” between all of his lines. Disturbing. “Let’s wash off all our sweat and dirt together!” Mukki suggests. “Wassup!!” Hey, I never said the dialogue made sense.
Bitch, despite his verbal protestations, makes no move to actually leave. The camera pans up suddenly, so that all we see is the top of Bitch’s spiky hair. “Bubby! You’re the intimate type, huh!!” Mukki says. It sounds dirty, but I have no clue what it means. There’s some more of those “RPG clothing removal” sounds like we heard in the Clothing Store earlier, and Mukki, between more heaving and panting, shrieks, “Wow!! Would ya look at that!” Yes, he means Bitch’s wang, for those of you who are innocent or slow. Not that I want to think about it, but I imagine that Bitch’s unit is probably all blocky and crappy-looking like the rest of him. No, that doesn’t turn me on. I’ll probably have nightmares now.
The camera pans over as the guys “force” Bitch into the hot tub. We can still only see the tops of their heads. Once they are all decently in the tub, and no one’s blocky units or asses are visible, the camera pans back down. All ten or so of the guys are squished into the little tub with Bitch. Once again, he’s not exactly resisting. Mukki keeps jabbering about random shit. He asks Bitch, “How is it? Feels good, huh?” I think he’s just talking about bathing….until I read the reply choices: “……” or “It hurts”. IT HURTS?! My innocent little self suddenly realizes just what they were doing to him all along. Okay, so I’m not innocent, I thought they were taking advantage of him all along, but I never expected them to actually live down to my sick expectations in a Final Fantasy game.