Final Fantasy VII
Part 1
"Tell, not show."
The beginning of the game might be confusing if not for the clumsy introduction where characters tell each other what’s going on — even though they should already know. We meet Bitch, the hero of the story, who ends up blowing shit up.
Part 2
"Beginning to poque my interest."
Well, some things were made clearer. Other things, such as some of the dialogue, couldn’t possibly be more confusing. After a mishap involving the “special ID card” that Jessie made for Bitch, AVALANCHE still manages to reach Reactor No. 5. This time, things don’t go quite as smoothly. Such as the translation. Someone’s been smoking crack.
Part 3
"He’s just a sweet transvestite."
The most depraved hour in RPG history involves crossdressing, a whorehouse, gay muscle men, slutty bees, and guys who use the term “daddy” in a sexual way. The sick stuff almost makes up for the wanky passive-aggressive-jealous-catfight-he’s-mine-no-he’s-yours-no-he’s-mine shit that Tita and Airhead get into when they finally meet.
Part 4
"A bunch of people die."
Airhead is kidnapped by Shinra, and Operation Pancake succeeds, despite the efforts of Bitch, Tita, and the psychic Mr. T. We also learn some of Airhead’s backstory, even though it’s never explained why Shinra never kidnapped Airhead despite knowing where she lives all along.
Part 5
"The easiest break-in ever."
Bitch, Mr. T, and Tita fumble their way around the Shinra building in order to rescue Airhead. Join them as they crack codes, solve puzzles, sneak through air ducts, and generally waste a lot of time. And sure, they find Airhead, for all the good that does them.
Part 6
"The sound of fanboys jizzing themselves."
At last, our party makes their escape from the evil Shinra building. With motorcycles! And chases! And glass breaking! DUDE THIS IS THE BEST GAME EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and President Shinra dies, but it’s kind of hard to tell.
Part 7
"Flashback of LIES."
At long last, we finally have the much-promised story of Bitch and Sephiroth. But…it’s really long and makes no sense, except for some extremely gay subtext. The game designers tried to distract us with Sephiroth’s FABULOUS girl hair, but we’re too smart for that, unlike the fanboys.
Part 8
"World’s biggest mommy’s boy."
We finish up the exciting flashback, with more God damn questions than we had before. But there’s no time to angst over a village that was burned down five years ago — it’s time to chase that bastard Sephiroth down. Maybe if Bitch hadn’t wasted all that time on the stupid Long-Ass Exposition Sequence, he could have caught up to the guy by now.
Part 9
"A game about nothing."
In this action-packed installment, Bitch manages to reach the upper level of Junon. After that…wait, there is nothing after that because nothing happens. NOTHING. And still I got a full recap out of it. Next week, join me as I recap paint drying!
Part 10
"What’s long, hard, and full of seamen?"
Bitch and the others sneak onto a Shinra ship in their seemingly never-ending quest to catch up to that dickhead Sephiroth. Well, they find him this time. Briefly. Because it seems that he can fly around and teleport. Just like in a Harry Potter book!
Part 11
"Nonsense!"
In this special super-sized recap, Bitch and company continue to chase Sephiroth. This leg of the trip brings them to North Corel, where Mr. T receives a not-so-happy homecoming. The good news is that we get his tragic backstory subplot out of the way and won’t have to deal with it again. The bad news is that not one God damn thing in this recap makes any sense. I mean, the most sensible thing we encounter is a talking toy cat riding atop a stuffed mog. If that doesn’t scare the living crap out of you, then you might want to get your head checked.