When we last left our heroes, they were putzing around inside the training center/weapon shop. I know, it’s not exactly an exciting cliffhanger, but jeez, how long do you want these damn recaps to be?

…Poque my interest?

After running some errands, namely, buying some materia at the item shop, Bitch, Mr. T, and Tita board the train. Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie are already there. Mr. T screams “YO! Looks like this ain’t no private car!! So split up!!” Good job, Mr. T. That won’t arouse any suspicions at all, you master of subtlety, you. Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie run off into another car. The red-suited guy that was on the train earlier makes a comment about hoodlums. Yeah, I don’t blame you, buddy. I’d be annoyed, too.

A sequence that makes no sense happens next. After the guy makes his comment, he sits down. Mr. T runs to the very front of the screen and yells “You say sumthin’?” He’s not even looking at the guy…and is nowhere near him, for that matter. Then he gets up in the guy’s face and says “Yo, look at that!! It got empty alluva sudden. What’s goin’ on?” “DAMN!!” the manager says, “I…it’s empty because of…g, guys like you…” Then Mr. T smacks him in the face or something. Could this have been the most nonsensical exchange ever? No, we still have the whole rest of the game to cover.

It turns out that the guy is a Shinra manager, and he has seen the news about another possible attack by AVALANCHE. You know what? AVALANCHE is a terrorist group. Suddenly Tita runs up and yells at Mr. T. Mr. T leaves the guy alone, but not before his parting shot: “&$#%!! You lucky ^$#^$.!” Since they’ve already said “shit,” the only word that could possibly be censored out is “fuck,” or its popular variation, “motherfucker.” When I quote any of these lines, I’m going to fill in words as I see fit. So this line becomes “Fuck! You lucky fucker!” (hehe)

Yo, bitch, I ain’t down wit’ dat’.

Bitch wonders what they’re going to do. Mr. T gets pissed. “Shit! The hell you so calm about? You bustin’ up my rhythm…” I hate it when someone busts up my rhythm. The train departs. Bitch again asks what they’re about to do. Mr. T explains that there’s a security check point at the top plate, an ID scan system. Tita adds that Shinra is very proud of it. I bet the US government would like that, too. Now they can’t use their fake IDs. According to Tita, they have three minutes until the ID Checkpoint, and Mr. T announces that they’ll be jumping off the train at that point. I’m sure that won’t arouse any suspicions, either.

Tita uses the Railway Map Monitor as an excuse to try to have a moment with Bitch. He’s already seen it, but she tells him to come closer anyway. Jeez. Before she can put her polygons in his face again, everything goes red and an alarm sounds. Whoops. Looks like the Checkpoint was a little sooner than they’d originally thought, and it found them to be unidentified passengers. The train will be searched car by car and locked down, and so Bitch, Mr. T, and Tita must run the other way. Yeah, that won’t look suspicious, once again. Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie are in the next car, aiding in the lack of subtlety by yelling at Mr. T and company to hurry up. Running, running, running, and then some asshole picks Bitch’s pocket. Running some more, and at the end of the last car, Biggs and Jessie are dressed in some crappy and obvious disguises. When the hell did they have the time to change? It’s been about 15 seconds. And where did they change, for that matter? And why…oh, never mind.

Mr. T announces that they’ll be jumping off the train. For some reason, everyone just stands there. Tita tries to have another moment with Bitch. “Scary, huh?” she asks. “Too late to be saying that now. Why’d you come along anyway?” Bitch responds. “Because…” Tita begins passively…but at that exact moment, Mr. T yells “Hey you two! There ain’t no time for that!” Mr. T is my new hero.

It’s nice of Mr. T to be concerned about Bitch’s ass and all….but “spikey”? That’s gotta hurt.

Tita makes a big deal about how she’s going to jump first. She does. Bitch goes next. Then Mr. T. He leaves Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie behind.

Now Bitch, Mr. T, and Tita are in an underground tunnel. “Good. So far everything’s going as planned,” Mr. T says. Yeah, except for that whole ID Checkpoint blunder and the security lockdown and stuff. Apparently Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie got everything ready for them at the Sector 5 Reactor, which is just ahead.

Security sensors block their way, so all of them, including poor Mr. T, must squeeze through a duct. Bitch announces that if they go into the duct, they won’t be able to get back to where they currently are. I refrain from making comments about a “one-way hole.”

Did it have little hearts all over it?

With the way Mr. T was whining about the duct, you’d think it was something that they’d have to crawl through. Nope, it’s big enough for Bitch to run comfortably through. At the end of the duct is a ladder. Bitch climbs down several ladders and is in some industrial-looking area. The reactor is just up another ladder. Now there’s a small duct that Bitch has to crawl through, but this time absolutely no whiny comments were made. Jessie is in the next chamber. She apologizes for the ID problem on the train. She got all mushy while making Bitch’s card, and that’s why it happened. At least that’s what I got from her explanation. No, it doesn’t make sense, I know.

I’m sure the reactor will enjoy that. Just remember not to use teeth.

A save point, Biggs, and a Tent are just down another ladder. That was nice of them to give me a tent right before the save point. What a coincidence. Biggs says that he, Wedge, and Jessie will meet them back at the hideout, and once again, it’s Bitch’s job to blow up the reactor. Bitch has been such a prick to everyone, I don’t blame them for giving him the most dangerous jobs.

The next room is pretty much identical to one of the rooms in the last reactor. Hey, I know my way around now! I’m sure the game designers weren’t being lazy or anything. When they reach the reactor core, Bitch once again starts hallucinating. I bet they won’t bring him along on the next mission. This hallucination is some sort of flashback. It looks like another reactor. Bitch is watching Tita as she’s kneeling next to some dead guy. I guess it’s her father, because she says, “Papa…” I’m supposed to be moved or shocked or something, I guess, but more than anything, I’m distracted by Tita’s butt-ugly cowboy hat. “Sephiroth!?” Tita exclaims. This is the second mention of Sephiroth. Hm, I wonder if he’ll have some sort of Significance? “Sephiroth did this to you, didn’t he!? Sephiroth…SOLDIER…Mako Reactors…Shinra…Everything!” she yells. Yeah, I wish someone would fill me in on some of this stuff. Well, duh, I know what Mako Reactors are, and Shinra is a company…OF EVIL. “I hate them all!” Tita whines. So now we have her Tragic Backstory which provides a Reason as to why she is destroying Mako Reactors and stuff. Wow, it all makes sense now…..no it doesn’t.

End of flashback. Mr. T and Tita are staring at Bitch. Mr. T yells at him to get a hold of himself. After a bit of inane dialogue with Tita, Bitch sets the bomb. This time there is no timer. I don’t get it. Do they have a detonator this time? Or maybe Something is going to happen. Oops, ignore me.