Obviously, Twink moves all the blocks into place. One reveals a treasure chest on the unreachable level above. The other block allows Twink to access this level. And now I’m reduced to recapping block puzzles. Well, it’s not like I have anything better to do. At least the chest bestows upon Twink some ass. The Comp-Ass, that is. The omnipresent Sean Connery/King Daphnes can barely contain himself at this new development. Speaking through the Emerald of Assitude, he informs Twink that Medli’s location will now appear on the map, thanks to the Comp-Ass. Is there anything it can’t do? Also, does Sean/King Daphnes spy on Twink in the shower?

I don’t think he was too worried about that particular prospect.

With this essential information in mind, Twink pockets the Emerald and Sean Connery goes back to knitting his anal bum covers or whatever the heck he does while Twink’s out on his dungeon crawls. For some strange reason — possibly due to repetition-induced insanity — Twink begins throwing Medli at the wall. The eye rolling, spinning stars over her head, and tweeting sounds inject some much-needed comedy into this boring dungeon. I must note that the head trauma animation had more thought put into it than the entire “plot” of FFX-2. So yay for the game designers for animating brain damage in such a humorous and convincing fashion. Take that how you will.

And starring Medli as Rinoa!

Now that Twink has scrambled Medli’s brains to the point where she could play Rinoa in a Wind Wanker cast version of Final Fantasy VIII, he figures that it’s time to move on. Exiting the room and ascending a staircase, he finds himself in a room full of enemies. The Moblins he exterminates using his favorite new ice-and-hammer attack. But the other monsters in the room require a bit more finesse. They are Poes — the ghost enemies that have showed up in previous Zelda games. They still carry lanterns and are still ghosts, but this time around their white masks and sacklike clothing make them look like the Phantom of the Opera in colored pajamas. It gives a whole new meaning to the music of the night.

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And speaking of psychotic stalkers, they like to chase Twink down and enter his body. At least take him to dinner first, you dickweeds. Twink’s not entirely sure how he feels about necrophilia — maybe if the Poes looked more like Auron, he’d be a little more receptive to the idea. Plus, weren’t the Poes all chicks in the last game? Ew. As far as battling goes, the Poes are pretty much a repeat of the Black Chus — they’re invincible until hit with light. Then, they become solid and penetrable. With Twink’s sword. His weapon. God damn it.

Of course, Twink must direct Medli to fly up onto the platform with the light shaft so that she can reflect it onto the Poes. While she’s up there, she dissolves some statues blocking another tempting treasure chest. After Twink has his way with the Poes — and by that, I mean he sticks his sword into them repeatedly — he checks out this chest. And he’s not disappointed — it’s only the coolest item in the whole history of Hyrule…………another Joy Pendant! I know this sounds crazy, but I think Twink may actually be getting tired of these damn things. The novelty has worn off. Plus, the effort-to-payoff ratio for acquiring them is less than satisfactory. Sighing a big, depressed, gay sigh, Twink grabs Medli and heads up the stairs that appeared after he poked his last Poe.

There are two exit doors, but one requires a key and Twink is fresh out of them. Whew, he almost had to make a choice there. Crisis averted. Heading through the unlocked door to the left, he finds himself on a ledge overlooking a slew of coffins built into the wall. There is currently no way out of the pit, but he jumps in anyway, strong and brave studmuffin that he is. The coffins open when Twink approaches, so he prudently starts at one side of the room and works his way around. The first one plops open to reveal a ReDead. Sam covered these in the last recap, but since she’s not a klutzy oaf like I am, she didn’t describe what happens when a ReDead paralyzes Twink with its girly scream. When Twink is in this state, the ReDead advances toward him with its open maw, jumps on his back, wrapping its arms and legs around him, and proceeds to bang its open mouth against his head repeatedly. I think it’s supposed to be gnawing at his skull, but the mouth is pastede on yay and has no animation whatsoever. Actually, now that I examine the ReDead more closely, it may not be the screech that paralyzes Twink, but those fabulous hoop earrings.

Rape! Rape!

Twink shies back nervously from the next coffin, shielding his eyes from the inevitable horror within. The lid slowly and dramatically drops to the floor, revealing………a yellow rupee. Oh, those wacky game designers! After Twink clumsily defeats two more ReDeads, a ladder drops down into the pit, allowing him to leave. But not before he grabs a small key out of the last coffin! His work here finished, Twink returns to the last room and leaves via the second exit.

By this time, Twink is getting a wee bit ticked off. He’s solved more irritating light puzzles than any young gay male should ever have to, dealt with the clunky logistics of controlling a second party member in the dungeon, and even been violated by some pesky ghosts. And still he hasn’t received a single dungeon treasure for his troubles. He’d better get one soon, and it had better be good. Like, multi-setting vibrator that also does the laundry and takes out the trash good.

Twink unlocks the other door with the key and ends up in a room with some torch lit alcoves set into the far wall. Before Twink can examine the room further, the door bars behind him and a skeletal monster rises up from the floor in front of him. This, of course, is a Stalfos, another recurring Zelda creature. But in keeping with the theme of the game, I’m going to rename them Bone Daddies.

Unlike in Ocarina of Time, where the Bone Daddies were clearly humanoid, this dude looks like its skull was replaced with that of a horse and then it lost its shins in the war. The stubby-legged Wind Wanker character design doesn’t look so impressive on the baddies. Twink pauses to admire the Bone Daddy’s festive red head tassel and its long, spike-headed mace before attempting to do battle.

Thanks to his trusty Strategy Chart, Twink figures out the necessary steps for defeating this new foe. I will outline them here in case you just can’t bring yourself to make the long cyber trip to GameFAQs.

1) Throw a bomb at the Bone Daddy.
2) After the Bone Daddy moves out of the range of the bomb, move back farther and throw another bomb at it.
3) Repeat steps 1 and 2 as necessary.
4) When the Bone Daddy blows up into a million bony pieces, target the head and hit it with the boomerwang to stun it.
5) Attempt to hit the head as many times as possible with the Masturbator Sword.
6) Miss horribly, due to being an uncoordinated spaz. Watch in irritation as the monster reassembles.
7) Repeat steps 1-6 as necessary until Bone Daddy goes down. Not like that.

So Twink does this until he finally brings down the big jerk. But this isn’t enough for the sadistic game designers. Two of the alcoves hold coffins, both of which magically slide open to reveal two more God damn Bone Daddies. Twink just now notices that they have disproportionately large pelvises. Well, that could have been interesting, once upon a time when a penis was there. Twink likes getting the bone, but this is ridiculous.

Once he’s done giving it to the Bone Daddies, a staircase lowers, leading to a rather snazzy-looking spiked treasure chest. If the game designers are just fucking with me and that’s a rupee in there, someone’s going to die. Once Twink laboriously digs the item out of the chest, his heart sinks a bit. It’s a shield. He’s already got one of those, and it’s a shield, no less. Only after the Disembodied Item Describer gives him the full scoop does Twink grin like a fool. Because this is even better than the shield — it’s the Mirror Shield, muthafuckas! In case the descriptive name didn’t clue you in, it’s a shield with a reflective surface. Like a mirror. Get it now? Twink no longer has to feel inferior to a girl when it comes to shininess. It feels like a big weight has been lifted from his shoulders — once again, he is a man. A very, very gay one.

A strategically placed opening appears in the ceiling, allowing Twink to reflect light onto a moon symbol above the barred door, turning the symbol to a sun, and doing nothing else. I’m just kidding — it unbars the door, Einstein. Like, DURR. Twink decides that using his new Mirror Shield is better than sex. Well, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. After all, a Tingle five-way isn’t something that you can dismiss so easily.

Twink returns to where Medli waits, in the room with the Moblins and Poes. Notice that I did not use any form of past tense regarding said Moblins and Poes. That’s because while Twink was having his way with the Bone Daddies, the room refilled with the exact same number of Moblins and Poes as it previously contained. Wow, that’s both coincidental and highly annoying. Twink smugly fetches Medli, showing off his gorgeous new accessory. He also learns that sometimes, it’s not about who has the biggest shiny, but how big a shiny two people can make together. And no, that’s not a euphemism for sex. There aren’t any heteros in Hyrule.

What I’m talking about is how Medli can reflect a light source, and Twink can subsequently reflect another beam from Medli’s beam. I’m not going to lie and say that this isn’t without its controller-throwing logistical problems, but to Twink this ultra-shiny shininess must be like finding Jesus. So Twink uses the Double-Ended Light Beam to finish off the Poes and reveal a previously unreachable secret tunnel in the wall. Blah, blah, a buttholebillion light puzzles with rupees later, Twink and Medli head through the door at the end of the secret tunnel to find themselves back in the room with the evil moon-eyed statue.

In possibly the most shocking coincidence ever, this is exactly where Twink needs to be. For some reason, the game designers skipped an opportunity to have me backtrack all over creation to discover the next puzzle. They’re going soft. So let’s examine this room. Two shafts of light, one evil statue with two eyes, both containing the same symbol that Twink had to light up in order to open the treasure room. This one’s a puzzler. Man, I sure wish I hadn’t gone through with that lobotomy.

Obviously, Twink and Medli each have to reflect a beam into one of the eyes. What makes this take several times longer than necessary is the fact that the same button that I use to put away Twink’s shield is the same button that returns control to Twink if I’m currently controlling Medli. In simpler terms, when I want to put Medli’s harp away and move her to a better spot, half the time I end up getting the buttons mixed up and returning to Twink. This wouldn’t be anywhere near as aggravating if I didn’t have to go through the time filler of playing the stupid Command Melody ten extra times. And here I thought the game designers might be giving up their hobby of sadism. I’m a bit slow sometimes.