Back outside, the soul of King Daphnes is now back in the vessel of Sean Connery. I think I like him a lot better as a boat, to be honest. He’s not as creepy. Sean lays some exposition on his main jewelry-collectin’ man: “The fact that the [Masturbator Sword] lost the power to repel evil suggests to me that something has happened to the sages who infused the blade with the gods’ power.” Said sages, Sean figures, should be around these parts, praying in the Earth and Wind Temples. But since the game designers decided to be lame and cut off the rest of Hyrule from Twink’s reach, he’ll instead have to go in from the top, since both temples were conveniently located in tall mountains that became islands on the Great Sea. I guess it’s a good thing they weren’t one-story jobs at sea level. Also, one would think that these sages who gave the Masturbator Sword its power would have been prominent figures in previous games, and we wouldn’t just be hearing about them now. Whoops, game designers.

Sean has nothing more to add, so it’s time to leave this spooky-ass place and go back to the land of the living. But as soon as Twink and Sean are back in front of the Phallus of the Gods, the boat has still more talking to do. Jesus. This time he’s going to explain what happened to the Hero of Time and the Triforce of Courage. “When the Hero of Time was called to embark on another journey and left the land of Hyrule, he was separated from the elements that made him a hero.” Lord, Sean made it through one whole, long sentence without any colored text! Amazing. Anyway: “It is said that at that time, the Triforce of Courage was split into eight shards and hidden throughout the land.” Sean has no clue where they are, except that they’re somewhere around the Great Sea. Well, that narrows it down. Dipshit. At any rate, Twink will be discovering where the pieces are, because he’s going to find them. Didn’t see that coming.

So now Twink has two charges: to find these sages and to find the Triforce of Courage. But Twink needs to take care of Twink first. He remembers that the Fairy Queen told him to come back to visit after he met that certain special someone. And yeah, silly as that may be, we all know it’s Zelda, so it’s back to the Fairy Queen’s secluded hideout via the Ballad of Gales.

A bunch of sparklies streaming from the well in the center of the pond indicate the imminent arrival of the Queen. Ooh, Twink is excited! But his face falls when he sees a tiny, silvery girl materialize and turn to face him. She giggles shrilly. “Tee hee hee! Greetings, child!” I am totally creeped. I know we already have a creepy girl named Samara around here, but if this scary bitch who came out of a damn well doesn’t fit the name, nobody does.

Eeeeek.

Samara introduces herself as the Fairy Queen, but she’s more like the Fairy Master or something, because judging from the also-creepy Bizarro Great Fairy puppet doll in her hand, she controls all the Bizarro Great Fairies. Samara expects some kind of reaction of surprise out of Twink, but he’s really too frightened to be shocked. He’d rather just crawl into Sean’s storage hold and wait for the scary girl to go away. But Samara has taken a liking to Twink–yikes!–and wants to give him a present. If it’s a videotape he is fucking out of here.

Surprisingly, it’s something super-cool: Samara upgrades Twink’s arrows to fire and ice arrows. To elaborate, she claps her hands and her little Bizarro Great Fairy puppet turns into two little girl fairies, one red and one blue, and they float down and enchant Twink with their magical fairy power. No comment. The Disembodied Item Describer butts into the scene to explain the arrows and how to use them, before yielding the floor to Samara again. She tells Twink a little more about the magic arrows, grants him use of her fairy bitches in the pond, and then says, “Child…I must tell you… You are just my type. Tee hee hee!” Sean Connery, who should freaking know better, even looks back at Twink with a mischievous glint in his eye. Squick. If Twink doesn’t like any girls, you can bet he has a very special distaste for psychotic undead girls.

Samara disappears with another insane giggle and Twink warps the fuck out of there as fast as he can swish the Wind Wanker. Jesus Christ. It’s at this point he remembers the piece of paper he’s been storing in his ugly-ass fannypack–the Cabana Deed from Mrs. Seymour. And Twink has fucking had it with Mary Sues and creepy grandpas and scary girls from the bottom of wells. It’s time for a little R&R.

Thanks to the Prima Strategy Chart Twink knows just where to find his new little bungalow, and so warps to the Phallus of the Gods and then sails due south. The first thing Twink notices upon his arrival at this island is a beam of light coming from the water near the shore. Consulting his treasure charts, Twink discovers that Treasure Chart #1 fits this very place. A little deep-sea excavation later, Twink is 200 Rupees richer. This is the best place ever already. Twink consults the area DickFish, who labels this place–directly between the Phallus of the Gods and Phallus Haven, whoo!–as the Private Oasis (later renamed Twink’s Oasis). Further, DickFish says, “Have you heard of the golden set of Triumph Forks? It’s right there, I tell you! A chart that shows you where they are! In that house!” He says to search “from floor to ceiling” for it. Clearly Triumph Forks is a jumbled version of the Triforce. So Twink’s sexy new cabana has already given him 200 Rupees, and now possibly a lead on the Triforce of Courage? He is positively wowed by this place.

Fabulous!

Onshore, the awesomeness continues. Twink meets up with another lonely Korok, Drona, in charge of a withered Dicku Tree, while he checks out the digs. Lovely flower gardens everywhere, a swimming pool with chaise lounge, a sweet deck for sunbathing and summer brunches, and a treasure chest on a cliff behind the house containing a new Treasure Chart! A Piece of Ass would have been nicer, but Twink is so head over heels for this place that he can’t even find the words to complain.

Now to see how wonderful the inside of the house is. Twink is a little concerned when he sees a painting of an old man on the door, but yanks on the door handle anyway, as is his wont to do. The “painting” of the butler suddenly comes alive and yells at Twink for daring to intrude on private property. But all it takes is a flash of the Cabana Deed for the butler to fall all over himself in apology and to welcome Twink to his simply lovely new home. He even says, “Please be gentle on this fine door!” with a little heart at the end and everything. I see Mrs. Seymour trained her help to like the wee ones, too.

Not about to disappoint, the cabana itself is perfect, too. There’s not much for furniture, except for a large bathtub (big enough for two!), a roaring fireplace, and a humongous rug spread out in front of the fire. God, this place is going to be a sex magnet. They’ll have to get in line to get with Twink. He’s getting shivers, here. On top of some bookcases there are even several expensive vases filled with hundreds of Rupees. But just to remind us that this place formerly belonged to Mrs. Seymour, there are two rather large pictures on the wall. Both are of Zill, the snot-nosed child from Outset Island. Mrs. Seymour gets creepier by the minute. But one of them is split into fifteen tiles and mixed up for a “fun” sliding puzzle game. One that I’m not going to bother with, because I suck at those a lot. Instead, Twink turns his attention to the ceiling, per DickFish’s hint.

What the fuck, Mrs. Seymour.

Sure enough, Twink spots a large hook in the ceiling, perfect for S&M scenarios grappling. After a couple merry swings around the room, the Way to Go Stud music chimes in and the fire goes out, revealing a secret passageway. This place has a secret chamber too? Bitchin’.

The secret chamber is actually not all that great, landing Twink his first true disappointment since arriving in this gay bachelor’s paradise. It’s a dark and dank underground sewer sort of place–a little weird, considering that in general sewer systems aren’t built for one house. But here it is. The place is also full of annoying thieving rats. On the bright side, there aren’t any monsters otherwise, so at least at night Twink can snuggle up on his fireside rug–with the partner of your choice–without keeping an eye open for monsters coming out of the hearth.

Twink wanders aimlessly in this place for a while, whacking random switches with the Hammer of Recapper Revenge, killing rats, and crawling through tunnels to get the rats’ Rupee treasure hoards. Eventually he finds himself in a sub-sewer room with a couple of my favorite monsters, ReDeads. ReDeads, to refresh you, are horrible zombies who use their undead screams to paralyze Twink as if he’s found himself in a room full of naked ladies. But somehow, I manage to kill both the bastards before either of them can do the horrible screaming thing. Go me. Twink picks up the ReDeads’ swag, and then goes through a tunnel and up a ladder to find himself in a small chamber with two symbols on the floor, the second one being the Triforce symbol. Twink stands on the other one and suddenly feels the urge to whip out his Wind Wanker and conduct away. One Wind’s Requiem later, a treasure chest appears atop the symbol of the Triforce, and the first of the Triforce Charts is Twink’s! The Disembodied Item Describer does its thing. “You can’t read it yourself,” it teases, “so you’ll have to get it deciphered somewhere.” But who would decipher Twink’s long cylindrical charts? Besides every male on the Great Sea?

To go off on a tangent, I have to wonder where the hell these charts came from. Let’s review. When the Hero of Time ran off to play Fursuit Princess in Majora’s Mask, he lost the Triforce of Courage. Then said Triforce of Courage split itself magically into eight shards…and then what? Out of the ether, charts were encoded of where each shard was going to go, treasure chests and hiding places for the charts materialized out of nowhere, and then each shard locked itself in a treasure chest according to the locations on the charts? This explanation makes no sense, so let’s see what you guys think.

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Before leaving the island, Twink notices the red mailbox next to the house hopping excitedly. There are two letters for Twink, and a COD charge of…201 Rupees?! What the fuck? These had better be the best goddamn letters ever.

The first is from Tingle, which explains the expense–his attentions don’t come cheap. At the beginning of the letter Tingle thanks Twink for his “purchase.” What did he just buy? A bright purple matching Tingle outfit? A romantic dinner for five on NPC Island? Nope, it’s the IN-credible Chart, a chart which shows Twink the location of all eight Triforce Charts. He also begs Twink to bring these Triforce Charts to him, as they’re his favorite kind. Oh, dear. This does solve one mystery, but it makes me wonder where these charts have been. Ew.

Letter #2 is from Maryll Sue, who apparently is still sailing around with the ass pirates. She babbles on for a bit about each of the pirates and how they’re all really nice guys and stuff, and how little Timmy misses his swabbie ever so much. Yuck, Twink will never be that desperate. Maryll Sue gives Twink permission to continue using her telescope, and encloses a red Rupee she’s earned from doing chores on the pirate ship. If only all Mary Sues would just stay out of Twink’s way and give him money.

Twink’s last order of business for the day is to find and exterminate the meddlesome Big Octo in the same quadrant as his cabana. He can’t have some Blooper making it difficult for all his boyfriends to travel here. Twink finds a little something extra for his trouble, too–an orange Rupee hoarded by the Octo. Score!

And I’ll leave Twink here, basking in the gay glow of his dream house. Join Jeanne next time for…well, I don’t know. There’s so much she could do following this that I’m not going to speculate. Hopefully, though, she’ll go to NPC Island and witness the aftermath of the Forsaken Fucking Fortress visit. ‘Cause I sure don’t want to recap that. Toodles!