Twink examines the chart and sees that–guess what–the treasure mapped out by this chart is here in Cyclops Reef! Well, isn’t that handy. Twink eagerly steers Sean to the appropriate spot, wishing that this time, maybe, just maybe, he’ll get something good and not have to bend over backward forward to get it. But if wishes were Pieces of Ass, Twink wouldn’t be bothering with this wild goose chase, now would he? The chest contains the Light Ring Chart. This absolutely essential item shows Twink where all the groups of light rings show up at nighttime. “Groups of light rings?” you may be asking. “You have mentioned nothing to us about light rings.” Well, you’re right, I haven’t. Because these light rings are nothing more than markers in the water for minor treasures–and I’m talking about red Rupees and Joy Pendants, here. So I haven’t mentioned them because they’re more negligible than Shion’s brain cells.

Those of you keeping score have no doubt noticed that Twink could have skipped coming to Cyclops Reef entirely without missing a single important thing. Shit, he didn’t even get money here. The only positive I can list is the island’s resemblance to male genitalia. And it’s not like that’s a unique attribute around here, you know?

Twink cheers up slightly when he travels south to Shark Island. Not only is Shark Island–it looks like a shark, isn’t that clever!–the last unmarked location on Twink’s suddenly manly sea chart, but it’s also the place marked on his final treasure chart. Just imagine! No more treasure charts! Ever!

Twink’s actually been here before, but it was on that timed quest to Viagra up the flaccid Dicku Trees, so he didn’t really have time to stop and look around. This is a very weird island. On the tailfin-shaped end of the island, Irch the Korok is still going on about how great his new tree looks. The tree is still, in fact, stiff and wooden, much like Hayden Christensen. Nearby, Twink spots a switch–one that can only be pressed if it has a great weight on it. And Twink thought he’d get through the rest of this adventure without ever having to wear those ghastly Iron Boots again. Sigh.

In the middle of the island, Twink finds three more switches: a switch destined for the Hammer of Recapper Revenge, a switch he can smack with his sword, and another one to step on (though his boots will not be necessary for this one, thank God). Between all of those is a hole in the ground, surrounded by a ring of fire, and a stone tablet. The tablet tells Twink he must hit all four of the switches in a timely manner in order to get rid of the fire barrier, and if stone tablets could talk, I’m sure this one would throw in a contemptuous “DUH!” after these instructions.

There is no real challenge involved here; it’s only a matter of actually having all the necessary equipment. When the “Way to hit those switches, ace!” sound effect hits, the flames disappear, and a whirlwind appears offshore. The strategy guide informs me that sending Twink flying into the cyclone (to reach the top of the island) will only net him a gob of Blue Chu jelly, and Twink has enough of that stuff to keep Full House-era John Stamos stocked for several months. So let’s just skip it. Down the hole it is.

Oh boy, yet another kill-all-the-monsters-for-a-cupie-doll cave. My favorite. Most of the previous caves included small waves of different types of monsters which attacked Twink one wave at a time, or large hordes of the same type. Here, though, Twink just gets a crapload of all kinds of monsters–Shiggyblins, Bokoblins, Moblins, Dicknuts, Jizzrobes, the gamut–all at once. I’ve discovered it’s generally a bad sign when Twink swings his sword and you can hear it cut through at least a dozen things before the swing is completed. On the bright side, though, the Dicknuts in the fray end up killing at least half of the other monsters in the attempt to smash Twink’s brains out. Twink gets a silver Rupee for this effort, and another one from the sunken treasure outside. My fucking kingdom for a Piece of Ass, here. Christ.

With four of the elusive little buggers left to find, Twink comes across one in the same quadrant as Stone Watcher Island, on one of the platforms in the sea. The chest containing the Piece of Ass appears after Twink destroys all seventy cannons on the thing. Okay, it’s more like ten, but even that’s an absurd number. Those cannons probably shoot down more seagulls than enemy ships. And then, when an enemy ship finally comes by, the kid at the helm wipes out all their offensive power with a friggin’ boomerang. And are the Bokoblins on the platform really necessary? They have no boats available to use in raiding parties. Their tiny scimitars and Dicku sticks are not what you would call long-range weapons. All they’re there to do, in game terms, is die and give Twink their Joy Pendants.

The next Piece of Ass is one that forces me to admit I am less than a perfect gamer with a steel-trap mind, because I kind of sailed around for forty minutes, looking for places where I could have missed a Piece of Ass, without realizing that I never got this one that I thought I already had. I know, I know, your golden image of me is destroyed forever. I’m sorry. Anyway, you may remember that on Dragon Phallus Island, there is a Rito named Hoskit who thinks the way to his “girlfriend’s” heart is through fabulous accessories. He hinted to Twink that he could sure use some Golden Feathers to make his “girl” happy. Well, I fully intended to have Twink give Hoskit the twenty Golden Feathers he wanted before even leaving the Dragon Phallus the first time, but somehow it slipped my mind. Happily, though, Twink has a large surplus of the feathers. Hoskit squees at the sight of such a decadent luxury item, and pledges to immediately send the gift off to his “girlfriend.” A lovely gal named Jim.

Outside, on the way to the postbox to wait for the incoming Piece of Ass, Twink runs into an old acquaintance, Prince Gollus. And my, isn’t he handsome now. Taller, less whiny, and just look at those stunning eyes. Twink would go the fur-‘n’-feathers route in a second for this kid. But Gollus, post-growth spurt, has apparently decided he likes girls. To be precise, he likes Medli, but he hasn’t seen her in a while, isn’t that weird??? Hoo boy. “It stinks, too,” Gollus says, “because I went to all the trouble of picking this flower to surprise her with! And now she’s not around!” And look, he’s holding the flower. Oh, that is so sad and yet so beautiful. Twink promises to let Gollus know if he sees Medli around, inwardly cursing out the young Rito for not offering him that flower. Insensitive jerk. Twink hurries up and gets the letter and Piece of Ass from the postbox–surprise surprise, Hoskit’s non-female lady friend didn’t sign a name!–so he can get away from the Dragon Phallus before Gollus sees him cry.

In search of his penultimate Piece of Ass, Twink returns to NPC Island. On a whim, he talks to Sam, the guy who does nothing but sit on a park bench all day. The rationale: well, if I can’t trust a guy who shares my name to steer me right, who can I trust? And sure as sugar, Sam has a lead for Twink. He mentions what he calls Joy Pedestals, these little crown-shaped things planted in the ground all over the island. He explains that “they got installed a little while ago by the newly formed Joyous Volunteer Association,” adding that it’s “part of this grand plan to help decorate the town.” Well, that sounds truly fabulous. Instead of the same old blah red text, though, “Joyous Volunteer Association” should be rainbow-colored and glittery. Sam points out that both he and Eskimo Guy are members. The man is practically giddy about the whole thing, the way he’s rocking back and forth on that bench. He might clap his hands excitedly at any moment!

With the clue-by-four about Eskimo Guy being involved, Twink figures he needs to stock those Joy Pedestals with flowers and other knick-knacks from EG’s shop. And it’ll be expensive, given that there’s no way Sam is going to reimburse him for his decorating supplies. But, Twink thinks, if he gets real rave reviews he could start up an interior (and exterior) decorating business to accompany his accessory boutique. And then the Rupees and the naked hunks will roll in.

Twink stocks up first on Exotic Flowers (the eye-searing pink ones), Sea Flowers (the blue ones) and a couple Shop Guru Statues. These he plants in the Joy Pedestals atop the white-brick arch which serves as the entrance to the town. In Twink’s mind, this decorative choice makes a joint statement: people who appreciate lovely flowers (i.e., the nice kind, not the vagina kind) live here, and they must also be strong, beefy men, because they have obviously won all of these weightlifting trophies. Perfect.

Amusing side note: the Shop Guru Statues, once placed, rotate slowly on their stands. It’s like they’re tiny, creepy Eskimo Guy clones, surveying the land and reporting back to their master when no one is looking. If only they could talk–they’d be perfect little EG sockpuppets.

Twink tries to place a pleasing variety of decorations around the island. The Joy Pedestals in front of EG’s stall get the Big Sale Flags, and Twink even uses a couple of the Fountain Idol statues that look like icky girls. The reason? The jars on their heads spout a vertical spray of liquid. Ironically enough, the statues of girls were the closest Twink could get to statues of penises.

Once Twink is satisfied with NPC Island’s new aesthetic appeal, he speaks with Sam again. Sam is wowed by Twink’s hard work and the dashing results. “Wow, it never fails to amaze me how kind and thoughtful folks can be,” he says. “…I know! I’ll return your kindness with some of my own!” And no, he’s not about to give Twink that kind of present–though I’m probably the only one who would be that scarred at the thought of Sam/Twink. He instead hands Twink a Piece of Ass. Just one more to go! Hooray!

But that one remaining Piece of Ass has been left until last for a reason. It is undoubtedly the most annoying Piece of Ass to acquire (other than the one at the bottom of the Savage Labyrinth, of course), and will more than likely be the last straw for Jeanne, who, upon reaching this point in reading this recap, will say “fuck it” and beat the game without bothering to do any of the things I have spent the last six and a half hours doing. All that said, I didn’t suffer through all those fucking treasure charts to quit now. Twink plays the Ballad of Gales to warp to the place where he started this fucked-up adventure: Outset Island.

Orca is still pounding the crap out of his stuffed sturgeon when Twink enters his abode. Orca explains that Twink can improve his rank as a swordsman if he hits Orca one hundred times without being hit thrice, but Twink has no interest in those small potatoes. He goes for the full glory: three hundred hits on Orca. I do have a system for doing this, not unlike the system I used to have Tidus dodge two hundred lightning bolts in the Thunder Plains. (Yes, I’ve done it. Shut up, I do too have a life.) The trick is to attack for certain intervals–say, thirty hits at a time. Pause between each set of thirty and stretch, crack your knuckles, whatever. Not only does this help keep your left index finger from falling off after holding the L button for twenty minutes, but it makes the task seem less daunting. Hitting Orca thirty times in a row ten times just doesn’t seem as bad as hitting him three hundred times.

Twink actually hits the three hundred mark without getting hit by Orca at all. (Give me a four-foot trophy, for I am awesome!) But since all he needs for the Piece of Ass is three hundred, he lets Orca smack him around to end the sparring match. Orca admits that Twink is the man. “It was wrong of me to treat you like a child,” he says. “From now on, you have my respect.” He bestows the rank of swordsman on Twink and gives to him…

…an orange Rupee.

…

What.

WHAT.

Just to be sure, I check the strategy guide–yup, right there. Three hundred times. Rank of Master. Piece of Ass. I am not amused, Prima.

Orca clears up the matter: to be the true master of his phallic blade, Twink must hit his old mentor five hundred times. To add insult to injury, had I discovered this two seconds earlier, I could have just kept going against Orca and only would have had to hit him two hundred more times. But now I have to go the full five hundred. God dammit. God fucking bitchrag cocksucking dammit.

I didn’t tape this second go ’round, not because I didn’t want to watch it again–not that I did–but because I was afraid my tape was going to run out in the middle of it. And it probably would have. But the point is that I manage to do it, and I’m sure the feat will only contribute to me inevitably developing carpal tunnel syndrome by the time I’m thirty years old. Orca, the fuck, hands over that final Piece of Ass with nothing more than a “good job” for a compliment. Hey, up yours, pal, I owned your ass.

Well, there you have it. Twink has a fully symmetrical throbbing red life bar, and he is finally, finally ready to take on Ganon(dorf). Join Jeanne in part twelve as she accompanies Twink through the final dungeon, which, by the way, will be totally creative and not re-use any of the ideas from any of the other dungeons. I promise.

And since this is my last Wind Wanker recap, I want to thank you guys for reading. The suffering just wouldn’t have been as fun without you all along for the ride. And thanks to Jeanne for not killing me for sticking the Forsaken Fucking Fortress and Savage Labyrinth on her. You’re a sport, Jeanne! Have fun with that last dungeon!