Basically, Mila’s dad reiterates the story of how Tetra and her Ass Pirates raped him out of his entire life’s savings in return for rescuing his daughter. But that’s okay, since “a daughter is more important than money.” Oh, vomit. I was going to make a snide remark about how it’ll probably take a lot longer to replace the money than to brew up another kid, but then I realized that the latter would involve this guy having sex with a woman. Okay, I can see his point now.

Stupidly, Twink talks to him again, meaning that he gets to re-hear the entire story. Only this time, Mila’s dad gives Twink the whole scoop on Mila’s new job and her strange habit of “sneak[ing] out at night.” Well, thanks for that completely unnecessary info. Ass. Twink’s blank expression somehow sends this guy on a guilt trip regarding his own lack of job-hunting. What is it with this family? Queeny bends over — not like that — complaining about his hideous backache that prevents him from seeking employment. Because standing in a shop all day is so much tougher than standing outside by a God damn tree. Yeah, that’s not a transparent lie at all. Incidentally, I have a relative whose first husband pulled that excuse for not working. He made her pay him to babysit their kids, too. They’re not married anymore, so he’s all yours, ladies.

I can assure you, that is not my first thought.

With that essential and exciting subplot out of the way, Twink decides to check on the other half of this rags-to-riches/riches-to-rags story. Using his advanced powers of reasoning, he deduces that Maggie and her father might have moved into the local café. I’m just kidding, obviously they’re in the Rich House. As soon as Twink enters, Maggie’s hideous dad — now dressed in a fancy suit and phallic red top hat — pompously orders him to “halt!” But it’s just a case of mistaken identity — Maggie’s dad spotted Twink’s fanny pack and thought he was a postman. Because he totally has a beak and wings. Incidentally, I must not have noticed this before, but this dude has a disturbing child molester mustache. In addition to the liver spots and pointy pig nose. And someone still thought it would be a good idea to have sex with this guy. It’s good to have standards, people.

It turns out that Maggie’s dad has some sort of weird prejudice against postmen, as the game makes sure to hammer home repeatedly. I don’t know about you, but I am dying to find out why. Famous last words. Twink goes over to talk to Maggie herself, hoping beyond hope that she’ll clear up this intriguing mystery. You know how most video game daughters with one or more fugly parents inexplicably end up beautiful? Well, that’s definitely not the case here. I know that the stubby-legged, deformed denizens of Wind Wanker don’t exactly look like movie stars or Final Fantasy leads, but Maggie and her dad are truly a special kind of repulsive.

Maggie, with her bug-eyes, pig nose, and giant facial mole, thinks that it’s the ultimate in fashion to adorn oneself in bunny ears. Speaking of which, the next time anyone gets all hot and bothered over the thought of some bunny girl, just remember that rabbits are designed to eat their own poop. The more you know.

Anyway, Maggie anvils that she was poor and now she’s rich. But even with her wads of cash, she can’t be happy without “HIM.” “He was so kind to me in the Forsaken [Fucking] Fortress. That sweet boy who gave me all those expensive necklaces when I fled from that cursed island…” she gushes. Well, I’m confused. The only human in the FFF was Ganondorf, and he doesn’t exactly qualify as a boy. Was there some young man hanging about that Twink tragically never got the opportunity to encounter? Or was it something too shocking and disturbing to contemplate?

Turns out it’s the latter. Maggie, somehow sensing that no human male would ever show interest in her sweet candy, has set her sights on a Moblin named Moe. I will repeat that — Maggie wants to do it with a Moblin. She wants his hot Moblin meat. Do not be alarmed at your sudden need to scrub your entire body with a wire brush — that’s a natural reaction to this kind of information.

Maggie makes a sound somewhere between a shriek and an orgasm as she repeats Moe’s name several times. In red font, no less. Gross. She sighs that Moe the Moblin has not answered any of her love letters. It doesn’t occur to her that Ganondorf probably doesn’t educate his monster army in basic literary skills. Since Twink is right there, Maggie figures he doesn’t have anything better to do than drop another furryloving letter in the postbox for her. She’s in luck — he doesn’t. Well, he does, technically, but he’s procrastinating.

Twink drops the letter (which is pink with a bunny sticker on it) in the postbox at the docks. Hopefully he didn’t screw things up by neglecting to take it to a postbox. He fast-forwards to the next day using the Wind Wanker — and how many of us wish we could skip through boring crap in our own lives that way? Lucky bastard.

Back at the House of Horrific Hideousness, Twink finds Mr. Liverspots throwing a shitfit at…oh, God damn it. It’s a Rito that I can’t identify. Shit, now I have to admit to my own Rito racism. Anyway, the Rito is obviously a postman and he’s there to deliver a letter from Moe. Or Moe, rather. It’s probably a piece of paper smeared with Moblin shit. Regardless, Mr. Liverspots has that whole thing where he doesn’t allow postmen in his house. They don’t come right out and say it’s because he wants to prevent his daughter from engaging in bestiality, but I’m guessing that’s why. Never mind that his daughter’s ill-conceived affair didn’t prevent him from making money off of Moe’s necklaces, the hypocritical butthole.

Anyway, the argument goes on for a while between Mr. L and the Rito until the beaked one finally gives up and goes off to drink heavily at the local “café.” Afterward, Mr. L starts talking to himself about how he doesn’t even know a Mr. Moe from the FFF and thus won’t let him near his daughter. There goes my fanwanky theory about the furry thing. Man, if he’s that pissed off about Maggie receiving letters just because he doesn’t know the guy, imagine the shitstorm if he found out what’s really going on. Then again, it wouldn’t surprise me if Maggie already had some other species in her family tree. It’s still gross.

Obviously, it’s Twink to the rescue once again! Although he kind of hates himself for helping this trainwreck along. He heads over to the café, where the Rito is attempting to order something strong. He recognizes Twink from the house of uglies — and not from Dragon Phallus, apparently — and wants him to deliver the letter to Maggie so as not to tarnish his perfect Rito delivery record or something. Of course, he can’t just ask Twink without giving the entire backstory of his FFF trip. Like Twink gives a shit.

Yes, see the fantastical sights of NPC Island.

Twink accepts the letter from the postman, trying to touch it as little as possible since it apparently smells like ass, and trudges back to the Ugly House. Strangely, though Maggie was in the same room as the previous large-font altercation, she still hasn’t figured out that her dad has been stopping the letters from her Moblin boyfriend. I don’t think it’s a huge surprise that she’s slow. I mean, God damn — fucking a Moblin. Sorry, just can’t get over that. Ripping the stained envelope from Twink’s hands, Maggie opens it and begins reading it aloud. To my great delight. FYI, the letter is written in brown “ink.” I think you get what I’m saying.

I don’t think you would forgive me if I didn’t include the contents of the disturbing letter. So here you go, you perverts. “This is Moe. I… like… you……Ma…ggie……so…much…that……I…want…to……eat you…for dinner.” I think I’ve lost enough years off my life in the course of recapping that I don’t really need to lose any more while contemplating how Moe meant that last part. So I’ll let you decide. Also, ew.

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Grossly, Maggie interprets this letter as Moe’s marriage proposal. And then proceeds to jizz herself over it. I would just like to point out that I am trying not to think about the logistics of the wedding night including but not limited to the appearance of a Moblin wang. God damn you, game designers. Maggie happily establishes that this horrible day is “the anniversary of true love for [her] and Moe.” Twink tries not to gag. Of course, he’s not going to judge anyone for the interspecies stuff, since he and the Koroks have their little fling going, but at least he has some freaking standards.

For my nauseating trouble, Twink gets a Piece of Ass. And it’s his fourth one, so he gets one more heart for me to lose when I’m a klutzy shit during battles. Maggie declares that she’s going to leave for the FFF tomorrow to fulfill all her disgusting fantasies. Thankfully, Twink is not planning on journeying there anytime soon. Note to Twink: Don’t visit that room with the bunk beds next time you’re there.

Twink likes the part about incredible girth.

With his essential tasks completed on NPC Island, Twink decides he needs to kill more time. Speaking of the Koroks, you’ll recall that Twink has encountered some of the ones who traveled to distant islands to spread the Dicku Tree’s seeds. Sam already covered the basics of the tragic circumstances surrounding the Koroks and their task, so here’s the short version. Essentially, all eight of the burgeoning mini-Dickus have gone limper than Squall at a lesbian pillow fight. However, the magical water around the interior of the Phallus Haven is the equivalent of Viagra for the mini-Dickus so all is not lost. Unfortunately for those of us who don’t enjoy timed sidequests, the water only maintains its magical erective capabilities for twenty minutes. This may seem like a lot for anyone who’s played Ocarina of Time and had to madly steer that drunken horse across the land in two minutes or whatever. But this is Wind Wanker, so you know what that means — sailing. Fuckloads of sailing.

Well, it’s not like you tried to keep the Korok pimping thing a secret.

I’d say so.

Obviously the Koroks weren’t going to all travel to the same area to spread the Dicku love — that would be counterintuitive and would probably get them smacked around by daddy. That means that in twenty minutes, using nothing but the Wind Wanker and Sean Connery’s impressive sail, Twink has to visit eight different islands all over the God damn place and spread the love potion on the flaccid Dicku trees. Fantastic.

It’s really not worth recapping this in great detail. There’s only one moderately challenging island, and I don’t really end up fucking myself over in a humorous fashion. Sorry, folks. Twink uses up about sixteen of his twenty allotted minutes. Broken down, he ends up doing 95% sailing and 5% tree fluffing. However, as he pours his juice on the eighth and final tree, something miraculous happens. In a mighty burst of light, the tree grows from Twink-sized to a massive specimen of treehood. It even has a long, upward-curving nose. Just twist Twink’s arm, why don’t you? Twink’s grin isn’t only due the thought of another interspecies sex toy, though. As the Dicku Tree’s son reaches adulthood, it drops a Piece of Ass for the little gay boy who made him a man. That’s so sweet!