Underground, our hero fights off three One-Eyed Monster Moths, of the winged and wingless variety, and the dozens of clingy Fangirl Eyeballs the moths fart out at him. Another chest shows itself, and Twink gets yet another treasure chart. The irony of finding in treasure chests maps to other treasure–treasure which may be more maps–is losing its humorous appeal. Rapidly.
Twink shows off some dance moves in the forest roller disco.
After looting the topside treasure chest–three guesses as to what it contained, not that you’ll need them–Twink shoots a few Seahats with his fire arrows to let off some steam, before sailing back to his cabana to start his new life as a crazy hermit cat lady. En route, though, he realizes all of Ganon’s loud, scary minions terrorizing the world might frighten his future brood of eighteen tabbies. Well, that’s shot. Time to examine more treasure charts, then. Oh, how I hate myself.
YES!!!
Fast forward through a few more dice reef adventures–boy oh boy, if there’s one thing cooler than getting a chart with all the Big Fucking Octos, it’s getting one with all the Bizarro Great Fairies–until Twink finds himself at a place called Angular Isles, southwest of Phallus Haven. One Piece of Ass from the ocean later, Twink takes a moment to contemplate this strange new locale. The Angular Isles consist of two tiny islands which aren’t really islands at all–they’re mossy stacks of crates sticking up above the surface. It’s like some small business owner from old Hyrule built a shipping warehouse on top of a mountain and this place is the result. That, or it was constructed by Great Sea real estate developers. “Live on your very own real island!” the brochures would gush. “Be the envy of your friends and former neighbors!” The smaller island even has a palm tree “growing” out of it, to fool dull-eyed passerby, which I guess would be the equivalent of having a front lawn made of astroturf.
‘NOTHING could be that beautiful!’
Twink uses his Moneyshot to latch onto the palm tree. His trajectory is kind of unfortunate, though, because as soon as he lets go of the tree, he drops straight into a hole at its trunk. Looking up from where he fell, Twink sees no root structure for that tree around the hole. Fake. How tacky.
This underground cave–how a cave formed within a bunch of boxes is anybody’s guess–has two salient features: another stack of crates in the center of the floor, and two beams of bright light coming from the near wall. The light beams cross each other over the top of the crate stack. So, in sum: a pile of crates hollowed itself out and formed a natural-looking cave, in which there are more crates, probably more than the number which constituted the island in the first place. And even though it’s nighttime outside, there are two random beams of light entering this cave, which, by the way, is firmly in the small-on-the-outside, bigger-on-the-inside category of caves. Well, now that we’ve completely removed any pretense of logic from the proceedings, let’s see what arbitrary puzzle Twink must solve in here, hmm?
Twink smartly figures that he needs to use his fabulous Mirror Shield to reflect those beams of light onto something, and so concludes that his task is to get up to said light. He does so by moving the crates around in a manner which would leave any physicist, and most certainly anyone who’s ever played Jenga, scratching their heads. When one block entirely supports the weight of the block above it, moving the lower block will not result in the upper one remaining where it was. No. No no no. Twink ignores this problem and jumps to the top. Screw you, gravity! Twink reflects the light down to an “invisible” chest sitting in a gaping mouth in the cave. The chest contains a disappointing silver Rupee. But it could have been a Golden Feather or (God help me) a treasure chart, and then I would have had to burn Shiggy Miyamoto in effigy.
Back outside, Twink wafts over on the Dicku Shit to the larger of the two Angular Isles, where he must do some more crate-climbing. The top of the mountain yields him another Blue ChuChu and a Piece of Ass. Well, that’s great. It’s been over an hour and a half and Twink is only one Ass Container richer. The Goddesses of Hyrule are fucking teases. Twink is starting to understand the psychological roots of his preference for dudes.
As Twink and Sean Connery are sailing around some more, I notice that you can see the Phallus of the Gods from anywhere on the Great Sea. Twink is comforted by its presence on the horizon–it’s like the North Star of penises.
East of Dragon Phallus Island, Twink comes upon a place which is not an island even in the fake sense. DickFish labels it on his chart as the Flight Control Platform. The treasure in the ocean here is the Island [Ass] Chart, which shows Twink which islands have Pieces of Ass on them. While slightly more useful than the stupid Fairy and Octo charts from earlier, this chart merely shows whether an island has a Piece of Ass (or multiple Pieces of Ass), not where on the island they are or how to get them. It’s like the game designers included all of these things as a kind of in-game strategy guide, but somehow managed to make them even less helpful than the often completely useless normal strategy guides. And it’s true that I didn’t have to pay money for these guides, but I did suffer through Four-Eye Reef to get the treasure chart that led to this chart. And that’s a cost that can’t be calculated in dollars and cents, friends.
Anyway. The flight platform. Twink docks Sean and walks up the platform to meet the proprietors of this establishment. After a slow pan over the entire wooden platform, like it merits such a thing, Twink speaks to a Rito standing in front of the ladder to the upper platform. In the interest of providing a complete recap experience for you guys, I even looked up this fellow in the strategy guide. Well. It turns out he isn’t a Rito at all. He’s a human from NPC Island who got bored with his old career (carpentry), so he and his brother decided to dress up as Rito drag queens and build this platform out in the middle of nowhere. At least, that’s what the guide says. But maybe Prima did like Jeanne and just made up backstories for these characters. If so, bonus points for the disturbing concept of humans getting off on impersonating Rito. I wonder if these guys think they were Rito in past lives. Or–hang on–maybe they were Zora in past lives. Whoa.
The guy in front of the ladder welcomes Twink to what he calls “the Official Rito Tribe Bird-Man Contest.” So their fake-Rito charade is actually sponsored by the real Rito? Or they’re just lying? I don’t know. Faux!Rito makes it clear that, if Twink wants to participate, he can use whatever he has on him to fly. Me oh my, whatever could Twink use to do that?
Or something else salty.
Faux!Rito explains that if Twink can fly all the way past the banner marking the current record, he’ll be the champion, blah blah there’s-also-a-nominal-fee-cakes. Twink agrees to give it a try, at which point Faux!Rito expresses concern for Twink’s chances, because he has no wings. But whatever–he still takes Twink’s money. Ass.
Up the ladder, Twink meets Faux!Rito’s brother. Faux!Bro looks exactly like his sibling, except he has a Red Baron mustache. I guess we’re supposed to infer something from this? Maybe that he enjoys flying? I’m not sure–it’s such a subtle touch. Faux!Bro repeats to Twink that he must fly past the banner of the Great and Talented Champion. But Twink has an advantage surely no one else has ever had: the Wind Wanker. He can ensure the wind will be perfect for his flight! Thus, he should smoke this Great and Talented Chump’s lame record. Smirking, Twink waves his little baton to make the wind blow northwest. Suckers!
A few seconds into his journey through the sky, however, Twink realizes he does not have the advantage he thought he had. First off, he may have the benefit of perfect wind conditions, but he is also crippled by his use of magic flight. Those beak-wearing weirdos back there with their taped-on cardboard wings don’t have to worry about their magic meters running out. Not only that, but Twink, between his already waifish physique and his ongoing body image issues, is now skinnier than ever. His little girl frame just isn’t heavy enough to get any velocity going in the air. Then there’s the fact that the person controlling Twink is a loser and can’t hit any of the whirling cyclones designed to propel our hero higher in the air. But it’s mostly Twink being too skinny. Yeah, that’s it.
When Twink lands, several feet short of his goal, Faux!Bro yells out, “Sploooooooooooosh!” He adds, still screaming, probably, “247 yards! Yes, a whopping 247 yards!” I suspect he plays it up as a great score specifically because it didn’t break the record, as he is a trash-talking dickwad. Once Twink has returned to the platform, Faux!Bro says, “247 yards!?! Really??? Wow! That’s some great flying…but not quite great AND talented!” What does that even mean? Besides, Twink is talented at lots of other things. Wink.
Penis beak!
This is the sort of thing I could do all day because my inner perfectionist won’t let me stop until that record is broken it’s so much fun, but I luck out and the run goes swimmingly on the third or fourth try. Faux!Bro shrieks, “GOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!” and then, “Con-GRA-tulations!” He just went from crazed World Cup announcer to Chuck Woolery in literally no time at all. Quite a mood shift. The record Twink will leave immortalized for all time at the Flight Control Platform turns out to be 262 yards. “Oh! Breathtaking!” says Faux!Bro. “You have shown me an incredible feat of aerial navigation…my eyes! They are unworthy!” Twink’s ego is swelling rapidly. But only his ego–Twink has no desire to get with freaky bird cosplayers.
Faux!Rito explains to Twink that he has now broken the old record, which happened to belong to his brother. So all that “great and talented” stuff was about himself? I’m surprised he didn’t try to kick Twink’s ass for stealing his thunder. But no beatings are delivered–instead, Faux!Rito hands Twink a Piece of Ass, which finally gets Twink another full Ass Container. Oh boy oh boy, only sixteen more Pieces of Ass left to find! I’m sure the time will simply fly by.
A nearby submarine contains four Jizzrobes and a few dozen of their nearest and dearest Shiggyblin and ChuChu pals. Before this, Twink had already had quite enough of getting scratched, bludgeoned, set on fire, and yes, even getting poked in the ass with spears. But that this romp led to a chart which shows the locations of all the Bokoblin-infested platforms on the sea? Well, if that isn’t a prize worthy of Twink’s efforts, I don’t know what is.
I want to die.
Skipping forward a little–because digging up silver Rupees is boring–we come to a location Twink saw on one of his treasure charts. It’s the island in between NPC Island and the Dragon Phallus, called Pawprint Isle. It would be creative and amusing if it were shaped like a bird’s claw or something, but we all know it looks like a pawprint. Actually, it looks like a fifth grade class designed it for their school’s logo (go James K. Polk Cougars!) and it got reused on this map.
TMI, DickFish.
Twink is encouraged by the Piece of Ass he finds in the ocean here, so he decides to check out the rest of the area. One of the outer islands (the second toe of the “paw”) features a rather blasé cave–just six or seven summoning Jizzrobes, nothing fancy or brain-grating at all. The silver Rupee prize makes me so happy I could gleefully stomp all over Tokyo à la Godzilla. But there could still be good treasure to be found around here! If I keep telling myself that, maybe it will become true.
Which brings us to the main landform of Pawprint Isle. On the island, amidst all the tall grass, there are several ChuChu-shaped statues protruding from the ground, and a large blue dome which is also shaped like a ChuChu. A patrolling cannon boat is having quite a good time bombing the hell out of the entire island in an effort to barbecue Twink, so he quickly crawls through a hole at the base of the dome to escape the constant explosions.
Inside the dome Twink finds a hole leading down to another fun-filled cave. The whole cave–not just the area beneath the hole–is aglow with pleasant natural lighting. Did Hyrule go through nuclear winter before this flood? Is all this light coming from the walls themselves? It would explain a lot.