Back to Iksay and the task at hand. Gordon is predictably wowed by Augustine and his amazing aura or whatever, and runs off to Buttfuck as fast as he can, lest he miss out on Augustine’s Tuesday Happy Hour. Well, that was easy. Except for the part where I had to run back and forth between Iksay and Vinay del Sexay three times. But at least Gordon is a shop owner. Now I know where I’ll be able to find a steady supply of Rose Brooches. Yay.
Well, it’s been a long, long, long day of recruiting, and Frodo is ready to rest his weary bones. And maybe get some sleep, too. But first, he has to have a pointless conversation with Samwise. Those aren’t getting old or anything. He blahs to her, “….There sure are a lot more people here now.” Samwise agrees, but randomly adds that she thinks they’re forgetting something important. Frodo doesn’t know and doesn’t particularly care what that something is, and tells Samwise he’s going to bed early. Samwise tells him to get some rest so he doesn’t get sick. Because he’s been under SO MUCH STRESS lately, what with all the talking to people. Poor baby.
The next morning, Frodo wakes up to the sound of Samwise yelling for him. She barges into his bedroom, maybe hoping to find out if he sleeps in the nude, but to her disappointment Frodo is fully dressed, if a little bleary-eyed. At any rate, Samwise decided to disturb her master at this early hour because she just remembered the important thing they were forgetting. Instead of just telling him, she insists on showing him. Watch out, Frodo. This might be a ruse to seduce you with teenage girl boobies!
Everyone is gathered in the library when Frodo walks in, still not getting what the problem is. Muto, Cogsworth, and Samwise recognize what’s wrong without saying specifically what it is. Frodo asks again, and Samwise responds that the problem is Lurch: he’s been missing for weeks and no one noticed until now. I don’t see why Samwise needed to show Frodo this, especially when she just ended up telling him in another room. But whatever. Point is, it’s time to find Lurch. I wonder what the real problem is: that Lurch has gone missing, or that the inhabitants of this castle are so self-absorbed that one of their own went missing weeks ago and none of them gave it a second thought. Of course they all seem concerned now, but that’s just the guilt talking.
‘No, the other zombie in the bolo tie.’
Frodo tells the others to go back to work while he searches for the lost librarian. I start to fear this is yet another Tour Buttfuck Castle quest, but Frodo’s search is stopped short when he meets a young geisha at the castle’s entrance. “I’m sorry for the delay,” she says, shuffling toward Frodo on her bound feet. “I am Shizu, the ‘elevator girl’ who trained under [Professor Shaftley], the great inventor of the south.” Hey, at least it’s not a new name-drop. “I received a request to repair the elevator here,” she adds. “And that’s why I have come.” Frodo doesn’t remember hiring any “elevator girl”–which sounds like a euphemism for a prostitute anyway–but he agrees to show her to the elevator so she can get to fixing it.
Lurch forgotten already, the whole Buttfuck gang watches as Shizu shimmies around the broken elevator. She’s got a bit of a big ass, not that anyone present is actually looking at it. This is a Suikoden game, after all. As they watch Shizu it comes out that Cogsworth was the one who called for her. I like how as recently as yesterday, the castle was about to file chapter 11 and they were all about to starve to death, but they get a little income in 24 hours and suddenly Cogs is calling for elevator repair like he’s some rich robberbaron. Maybe he is a bad financial manager like Martha said. And now I’m agreeing with Martha. Great.
Shizu says she should have the elevator fixed by the next morning, and offers to stay at Buttfuck and maintain it. I have no idea if this is a paid position, but the sound effect welcomes her to the ranks whether Frodo thinks it’s a financially sound decision or not.
Frodo has a little free time now to wander around the improved digs. After doing a little shopping he heads to the second basement, where he runs into brooding Watari. The ninja is standing, arms poutily crossed, in a corner, his body language just begging for someone to ask him what’s wrong (and for him to defensively retort “NOTHING!!!” and bury his nose in his Dostoevsky). Frodo asks him why he has “such a nasty look” on his face. “I was born looking like this,” Watari replies. I wonder if he was born with that horrible bleach job, too.
“That’s cool,” Frodo says, which just seems like such an odd thing for him to say. I don’t know. “But now that we’re friends, maybe you could try smiling once in a while. Okay?” Watari doesn’t think much of this suggestion. What reason could he ever have to smile, when his true love dumped him sophomore year and he gets beat up every day by the JV wrestling team? And once Frodo’s given up on cheering him up and left, Watari sinks into the Realm of Flashbacks, so we can see exactly what the fuck his damage is.
Sepia-toned North Cavern. Watari is having a very intense conversation with another ninja named Ayame. Ayame is dressed in black and purple, and I’m sure this says something about her deep dark soul just like Watari’s outfit does. The gist of the conversation is that Ayame is name-dropping concerning Highland’s Blight (aka Hitler) family and the Yaoi Army. It sounds like the two of them used to work for the Blights but now work for the Gays. And Watari likes the Blights better than the Gays. I have no idea. “A promise was made…” Watari angsts. “That is what matters.” Ayame thinks he’s full of shit and says so. “If you go off alone now,” she warns, “you’ll be called a deserter. Would you really betray us all because you made a promise to one person?” She also threatens that some group called the “Dark Wind” (presumably their goth ninja clan) will kill him with prejudice if he bails. Watari basically has nothing but “………” to say throughout the discussion. Ayame’s all, “Whatever, your funeral,” and leaves him alone. I do get to see when she walks away that she’s wearing boob armor. That’s practical for today’s busty ninja.
Okay, I have no clue what the hell that was about. Maybe it’ll make sense later, around the same time Augustine and Gordon dump each other and start having sex with women. There’s nothing else of note around the castle, so Frodo goes to bed, all a-twitter for the big day tomorrow.
Are we talking about the same thing?
Next morning. The elevator is repaired and running as promised, and Shizu invites the gang to take it for an inaugural ride. Frodo, Samwise, Cogsworth, Juan, and Piccolo all climb with Shizu into the elevator. Let me run down how this test run of the elevator goes:
– Everyone gets in.
– Load screen.
– Short cut scene of the elevator moving up and/or down.
– Everyone gets out at snail speed.
– Load screen.
– Shizu explains what’s on that floor.
– Everyone gets back in.
– Load screen.
– Repeat for four floors.
I should add that following the first trip, from the first to second floor, Frodo and Samwise make this gigantic, gaping federal case of the wonder they just witnessed–like, ohmigod, we were on one floor and now we’re on another floor! WITCHCRAFT!!! Even though we know Samwise, at least, has been on the elevator before. I wish I could tear gas that elevator right now.
In the second basement, Shizu tells the group there is one more floor to visit. This is news to everyone, since the castle only has four floors. But Shizu is right: there is a fifth stop which leads to a dark cave underneath the castle. Of course, there are lit torches and boxes of supplies, so someone’s been down here. Even though the elevator is the only way to access this area and it’s been operational for all of five minutes. But we all know wizards can teleport or float down the elevator shaft.
Of course, it occurs to the group at this point–y’know, a whole day after Frodo did his half-assed “search”–that hey, Lurch could be down here! Given the aforementioned issues, this means Lurch must be a wizard. But these kind and Very Worried souls agree to spend a little time down in this creepy cave looking for him before they send the obituary to the local newspaper. What great friends.
Other than some annoying butterflies that decide they enjoy sucking on Frodo’s flesh–yeah, you read that right–the passage through the cave passes uneventfully until the midpoint. I guess it’s the midpoint. The place is kind of confusing. Samwise “helpfully” points out that they have reached a fork in the corridor. Frodo suggests going right first, but Juan, who is not an idiot, suggests splitting up to make the search faster. Frodo objects–Juan says he has to go with Samwise, no fair!–but Juan and Piccolo are taking off in the other direction before he can stop them. Oh well, at least Cogsworth is there to provide some male company.
More innuendo!
A little while later, Frodo, Samwise and Cogs come to another fork in the path, and they hear someone coming from the other direction. Frodo and Cogs hold each other and cower while Samwise bullrushes into the strangers. Bet you didn’t see this coming–it’s Juan and Piccolo! Oh, Samwise, you lovable oaf! You nearly killed your friends!
Juan and Piccolo have no desire to be at the business end of Samwise’s spear again, so this time they stick together and go down the other fork. Eventually, they find a light at the end of the tunnel, and come to the dead end of the fork, which is dimly lit and tastefully furnished. And Lurch is sitting cross-legged on a throw pillow, reading a book. “Well, I see everyone’s all here,” Lurch says, and I’m taking that as a stab at the rest of them constantly saying “everyone’s here” when he, in fact, is absent. He asks, “Have you come to read as well?” Samwise mentions that, hello, he’s been down here for weeks. Must be one hell of a book.
Lurch tells them that this place has been his private hidey hole for some time now, as it’s a quiet place he can read books without little kids putting their candy-sticky fingers all over him and his novels. He kindly offers them use of the room if they’d like, and walks out without them. And here Frodo was, accusing him of kidnapping, when he was missing specifically to not be around kids. Frodo owes Lurch a big fat chocolate apology cake.
The gang watches as Lurch fades into the darkness of the corridor. While Juan still thinks Lurch is a weirdo, Samwise shrugs it off and says at least they figured out where he’s been going all the time. But Cogsworth interrupts: “Don’t you wonder how he got down here in the first place?” None of them can answer that one, but unlike us, they probably don’t have much experience with wizards.
And with that boring conclusion to a boring mission, Frodo Baggins’s chapter one ends. If it were possible to die from boredom you would all be at my funeral right now. Next time, we’ll hopefully have a little more excitement as we return to Hugo for his second chapter. He, Duckman, and Fubie will finally travel to that legendary Shangri-La of the Grasslands, Duck Village. What sort of creatures will they find there? Might they be feathered? Find out next time!