Frodo asks Apple Jr. if she’d like to come to Buttfuck to do her scholarly work, but before she can agree she has to administer a test to Frodo, which she launches into without any warning. Frodo must correctly answer five of her multiple choice questions before she will come live and work at the castle. This seems like a lot of trouble to go through for a girl who resembles Apple of all people, but…I got nothin’. No amusing explanation. I need the good ending, okay? Most of her questions remind me of stuff from the SATs, like where you would have to pick the proper meaning of some word you wouldn’t know except that it was on your SAT study guide. Eventually Frodo gets five right and Apple Jr. takes off for her new quarters in Buttfuck Castle’s library, where she can annoy the crap out of Lurch and generally stay out of everyone else’s way. At least she functions as the education center administrator, so she’s not completely useless. Unlike Apple.

Our next stop is Vinay del Sexay. Yes, Frodo’s Council Daddy told him he shouldn’t come here, but since Frodo has decided to not give a flying fuck about the Council in other matters, he’s not about to ignore the wealth of Portrait People in this city just because Daddy said so.

The first thing Frodo notices when he enters the city is Guillaume the Pedophile chasing a small girl and trying to grab her ass. No, really. Frodo cocks his head quizzically and wonders, “Did someone just pass by?” To be fair, Guillaume is tailgating the little girl so badly that they probably do look like a single person from Frodo’s viewpoint.

Frodo shrugs it off and goes about his business. For some reason, though I know I cannot recruit the Saint Loa Wankers at this point, I end up sending Frodo down the alleyway where their lame attic hideout is. I figure I may as well go in there and see if there’s treasure or something, but Frodo takes one look at the ladder and says, “Ladders…aren’t my strong point.” Let’s just accept the fact that apparently Frodo is too much of a weakling to climb a ladder. I’m more stuck on this “strong point” business. Who would say that ladders are their strong point? Have you ever said to anyone, “I am really good/bad at climbing ladders”? Just…shut up, Frodo. You’re on time out.

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Forget the fucking ladder. Frodo wanders into the local armory to spend his potch on something that will make him less of a wiener (like such an item exists), only to discover that the armorer is a Portrait Person. Well, at least something will come of this shopping trip. Dominic the Armorer sees that Frodo has come to check out his wares, and says that Frodo must appreciate their “artistic value.” Frodo nods along and says that he does. Dominic is delighted to come across someone with such exquisite taste, and tries to peddle one of his prize items, the Mole Armor. While the Mole Armor is not exactly the worst piece of armor in the game, it is not even in the realm of being awesome enough for the nearly 40,000 potch Dominic wants for it. After Frodo takes a gander at it, Dominic plays it up like it’s the Jesus Lord and Savior Armor +10. Frodo is then given a choice to buy it or not to buy it. Well, at least this is technically Martha’s money and not Frodo’s. He’ll take it.

This is a bolt out of the blue, but Dominic is so happy that he found a customer with such great taste that he agrees right away to become Buttfuck Castle’s armorer. It’s a little disconcerting to think that the new armorer thinks the goddamn Mole Armor is his finest work, but I guess he’ll have time to practice making better stuff out in the boonies with no customers.

After stopping off at Yaoi Enthusiast Trade Guy’s to buy deer antlers–God knows what he’s been doing with those–Frodo encounters a man standing at the edge of the harbor, staring out to sea. Augustine here has long, wavy blond hair, a blond pencil mustache and a foppish black hat with lavender trim. And then there’s the puffy, frilly Keith Partridge blouse and cravat. I think the designers were going for “gay” with this one, but I’m not sure. It’s so subtle.

As the dandy Narcissists’ Theme queues up on the soundtrack–no, we get it, he’s gay–Augustine sighs, “The world is beautiful. ……………Don’t you think?” I wonder how long of a pause that’s supposed to be. I should come up with a mathematical formula to correlate number of periods in an ellipsis to length of pause. Or, instead of doing that, I could just gnash my teeth. That sounds easier.

Frodo doesn’t really know how to respond, but after a moment he answers that the world is indeed beautiful, and asks Augustine if he likes the sea. Given that he’s standing here staring at it, talking about the beauty of the world, I think that’s a given, dumbass. Augustine replies, “I like things that are elegant and beautiful. Like Johnny Depp.” Frodo, again, is left mostly speechless and can only blurt out “……Huh…” I think his brain has jammed up at the prospect of meeting someone this gay. Augustine takes Frodo’s lack of eloquence for awe–which I suppose it is–and continues to wax romantic. “…It was fate that brought us together here,” he tells Frodo. “I feel it. And because of that, I’ll show you my gorgeous rose broach.” Broach? Okay, I actually looked this one up, and apparently “broach” is a valid alternate spelling of “brooch.” Knowing that, however, does not make it look any less wrong to me. Sigh. Anyway, Augustine goes to whip out his flowery bauble, only to realize that he has lost it. He feels himself up looking for it, with this stricken “Oh là là!” look on his face the whole time. Then he moans into his hands about how cruel the world is. While he’s sobbing into his sleeve, Guillaume runs by again, still chasing after some six-year-old girl ass. God, what a fucked up town this is.

‘My Manwich!!!’

Leaving Augustine to his drama queen tantrum, I use some of Frodo’s lottery earnings to sharpen Sting and to buy him some better armor, before sending him off to the center of town. A man and a woman are standing around with their Worried Faces on. And their circus clothes as well–the woman is wearing teal-and-white checkered pants to match her turquoise hair, and the man has a red-and-white checkered shirt to go with his Hot Dog on a Stick employee hat. The woman, an elf named Nei, says that they’re looking for a little girl who is “dressed a bit strangely….” By their standards or by the standards of normally attired people? The man, Toppo, is the silent type. He prefers to let his elephant schlong of a nose do the talking for him. Specifically, the nose is saying, “Look at how large and penisy I am. I make CHAOS!!!’s pants golem look shriveled and inadequate.”

The unspoken agreement between Nei and Frodo is that Frodo will find the little girl and save her from any scary, pudgy men with grabby hands. And there she is, and there he is, 10 yards away from where Nei is fretting. “Oh ho ho ho ho!” Guillaume squeals at the girl. “Isn’t this fun?” He’s chasing her around in a circle near the Council building. And may I say that it’s pretty sad that he can’t catch her, given that his legs are a good two feet longer than hers. “This isn’t any fun at all,” the girl answers plainly. “I want to go home.” For the record, the girl, Shabon, is not wearing as much checkered garb as her companions (they’re not her parents), but she does have a maroon-and-white checkered sash tied in a bow around her waist. Maybe this is all totally innocent, and Guillaume is just trying to rip the offending garment off of her in the name of good fashion sense. Yeah, I buy that.

Frodo approaches Guillaume, who pulls out his large Spear of Underage Assrape. When Frodo asks him to please leave the little girl alone, Guillaume decides Frodo is a bad back-talking boy who needs some “punishment.” Uh oh, Frodo’s underage too! He’s found a new target!

The ensuing duel is not nearly as difficult as the basically unwinnable one between Guillaume and Sudit, as Guillaume’s actions are much more predictable this time around. However, even with the leveling up and equipment upgrading that I did for Frodo, he’s still, at best, a mediocre warrior. Although Guillaume shouts obvious (yet weird) clues like “Deathblow attack!!! Ominous oceans!!!” it takes a good twenty minutes for weakling Frodo to wipe out Guillaume, one tiny tick on his hellishly long life bar at a time. I’m sure there’s a person out there who has maxed Frodo to some unholy high level just so he can wipe out Guillaume in one turn. I just hope that person doesn’t read this site and decide to email me and tell me all about it.

After Guillaume has gone down with a chunky thud on the pavement, he runs off crying, and tells Frodo to “Just remember this!” I think he got his threat backward, but it’s okay. He’s just disoriented because he didn’t get any and he got beaten up by a hobbit. It happens to the best of us. Shabon grins at Frodo and thanks him for saving her virgin butt. Nei and Toppo come over to thank Frodo as well. While Nei voices her thanks, Toppo merely bows and then pulls out his fiddle to play a ditty. I’m surprised he even needs a bow–he should learn to play with his nose.

While Toppo and Shabon play tag in the square–apparently it was only creepy when it was Guillaume–Nei and Frodo have a chat. Nei says that she and her two buddies over there are minstrels and need a new place to perform, as Vinay del Sexay is apparently in an economic crisis and people are therefore too cheap to dump change in their open fiddle case. Frodo asks if they’d like to come to Buttfuck. I guess not everyone can do something useful at the castle. There need to be some hippie bum musicians, too. Nei smiles and says that since other people are gathering there, it would be a good place to set up camp. Plus, Toppo and his olfactory wang will feel right at home at Buttfuck once it’s full of hot gay men. Enjoy the mental imagery!

The three musicians take off for their new digs and Frodo gets the hell out of Vinay del Sexay. The background music was starting to drive me him nuts. Frodo’s next headed for Iksay Village, but on the way, as he’s walking through Zexen Forest, yet another Portrait Person impedes his progress. Jesus, they’re everywhere.

A young, dark-haired man in short-shorts and sandals is eagerly rubbing the trunk of a large tree off the path. Okay, now we are cookin’ with gas. Apparently the feel of this protrusion of wood isn’t to his liking, so he finds another tree to caress with his loving hands. This trunk, too, is less than perfect. “This guy’s baths are much quieter,” he moans to himself, “yet stimulating in a regal way!” So the guy in hot pants is feeling up hardwood trees so he can create a bath that is “stimulating in a regal way”? Oh my God. Buttfuck Castle cannot go without this person. He turns to the party staring in amazement at him and goes on, “I’d say this guy’s bath is like a womb–warm, comfortable and safe inside. Ahhhhh!” And he’s all angry as he says this, too, like the prospect of someone else making a bath that amazing is pouring lava-hot rage into his soul. There are no words.

Bamp chicka bow bow.

Once introductions have been made, and the tree-groper, Goro, has explained what we have already figured out, Frodo offers his help. He can’t remember the last time he got to stroke trees with another man. Goro accepts this offer and with Frodo’s assistance he finds the perfect wood to build his bath. And he even asks if he can build it at Buttfuck Castle! What a dream come true. Goro sighs and says, “I can have my very own bath house. I’ll have a better place than that guy!” Frodo asks about “that guy,” and Goro says “that guy” is his rival, a man who builds baths that are “the most pleasurable in the world.” As it happens, his rival is his dad, the bathmaker from Suikoden II whom we have not yet encountered in the recaps. Damn my bass-ackward recapping–I’ve ruined a name-drop! Anyway, Goro voices his deepest desire as a bathmaker: “I’ll make that guy fall asleep in my bath some day! His body and soul will be in ecstasy.” This might be the weirdest father-son relationship since Jecht and Re-Jecht. Except there’s probably no doujinshi about Goro and his dad. I hope.