The “Oh Shit It’s a Chase Scene” music continues as Hugo and his friends make a break for it. But it comes to an abrupt stop to be replaced by the “Let’s Kill the Big Bad Boss” music. Of course, it’s not Bubba and Percy, only random Zexen Knights. But they’re badasses, relative to the furries and rhyming bandits I’ve been fighting, so the warning of their power via music is appreciated. Hugo and Duckman, with minimal help from Lulu, beat down three or four groups like these until they reach the city gates again. Another large group of random knights is waiting for them, with Bubba and Percy in front. They are not at all amused by this running around shit. Percy calmly tells them they need to have a little chat, even though these brats just beat the crap out of all their men, so we’re clearly past the chatting point. Hugo’s not having it, and Duckman demands an explanation from the knights. He gets one, sort of: Bubba explains (while whipping a gigantic axe from behind his back) that they’ve received word of a sneak attack on the Zexens by the Grasslanders during peace negotiations. So, they obviously think Hugo and Pals are Grassland spies. Oh, what a wacky misunderstanding!
Um…they’re too stupid, for one thing.
None of our heroes believe this, as neither the Karaya nor Duck Clans had any designs on war as far as they knew. This, apparently, doesn’t matter in the slightest to Bubba. He informs the trio that his and Percy’s fellow knights have been surrounded in said sneak attack, and therefore they need Grassland hostages to free their men. Hugo, being Lucia’s son, would do nicely. I think Bubba wants Hugo held hostage for other reasons. Things are just about to get physical (hopefully not in that way) when Hugo looks up and spots a dark figure flying over the city walls. Without warning, it lands with a painful thud on top of all the knights. It’s Fubie! Yay! Percy gets up to stop their imminent escape, but is scared off by Fubie’s screeching. The gang bolts out of the city, the bruised and sore knights close behind.
In the relative safety of Zexen Forest, everyone slows down a bit. Hugo and Lulu both thank Fubie for saving their asses, but Duckman, assholish as always, figures that Fubie was looking for food and just happened to spot them. Fubie rounds on Sarge and looks like he’s about to eat him, which would rule. But he just stretches his wings and screeches threateningly. Damn. Hugo wonders aloud about what Bubba and Percy said, and Duckman says it may mean another war between Zexen and Grassland. Lulu is confident that it’s not a problem, since Grasslanders are 1337 and Zexens are 5uX0r!!!111 I can’t wait for all this irony to come bite Lulu in the ass. Shouldn’t be too long, now.
Mmm…duck…
Walk, walk, walk, out of Zexen Forest. It’s not too bad, dealing with all these random battles, now that I have Fubie back. Unfortunately for me, my happiness won’t last.
On the world map, little sprite Hugo travels from Zexen Forest to Brass Castle, and here we have a big problem. Clearly, they can’t expect to get through here without incident. I mean, it’s possible they could walk right through without being noticed, but this is an RPG and in RPGs things generally don’t work that way. After much useless banter, during which Lulu grins creepily and nods his noggin like a fucking bobblehead doll, they decide to just play it cool and walk in. But they don’t get far before they all stop and take a good, long look at my poor Fubie.
“[Fubie]!” says Sarge suddenly. “You couldn’t possibly walk slow enough to avoid attention.” What in the fuck does walking slowly have to do with avoiding attention? Every goddamn member of this entourage from hell sticks out in Zexen like a sore thumb, so why why why do they keep insisting Fubie is the lone problem? I’ll tell you why. Because I’m not allowed to have good fighters in my party for more than five minutes at a time, that’s why. We all know damn well that they’re going to get caught, Fubie or no Fubie, and I for one would rather get caught WITH the giant scary griffin to help me fight off the bad guys. Alas, not one of them pays attention to all my complaining, even though I’ve done so for them since the game began. Hugo’s bright idea is to have Fubie fly over the castle and meet them on the other side. This angers me further, if that’s even possible right now. We know that Fubie is capable of flying with at least one person riding on his back. Why can’t they just have Fubie fly them over Brass Castle, one at a time? The whole place can’t be more than a mile from one end to the other. But none of them even consider this obvious and simple plan. Would it be too much to ask to have ONE person in my party who’s not a complete and utter fucktard?
Serenity now. Serenity now.
Don’t rub it in.
Deaf to my irate shrieking, Hugo sends Fubie on his way. Now a party of three again, for the love of God, they enter the town. I take the opportunity to build up their magic-related skills at the Education Center, which basically amounts to Sarge improving his water magic, since the other two have nothing in that department. I find Duckman much easier to endure when he’s being useful, and in all fairness to him he is quite a good healer. Unlike Lulu, who contributes nothing of value to anyone, ever.
About time someone said that.
Inside the castle itself, the group tries in vain to act naturally. Lulu is so edgy about being there–because he hates ironheads, in case you’ve forgotten that minute detail–that he hardly remembers to walk and Duckman has to push him along. Can anything I say stress his worthlessness more than that? Hugo notices a guard at the other side, checking people as they pass. To make matters worse, they hear the clomping of horses’ hooves behind them. Yup, it’s Percy and Bubba, with their company of random knights. Miraculously, they don’t spot Hugo and Co. right away, even though they’re in plain sight. In fact, as they mutter to each other about their rotten luck, losing those kids from V. del Sexay, they ride right past the threesome and don’t give them a single glance. How inept can you possibly be? The boys and duck are ready to exhale in relief, but not so fast–a Suikoden Clone near them in line stops the knights’ procession to inquire, “Please forgive my intrusion, but are you the famous Six Zexen Knights? Sir [Bubba] and Sir Percival?” Yes, because Bubba and Percy are totally six people. More to the point, as Bubba looks down to answer the peon, his eyes wander (almost typed “wanker” there, it’s kind of ingrained) over the guy’s shoulder and fall on Hugo, Duckman, and Lulu. I’d say “Oh shit,” but to reiterate, it’s not like we didn’t all know this would happen. Before the knights can get off their horses (hehe), Duckman shouts, “Run!” and they, well, run. As Bubba and Percy get ready to pursue them again, they have the following conversation, which I need to recap verbatim:
Bubba: Percival, you never told me you had a sixth sense.
Percy: Even so, you don’t seem very keen on the idea.
Bubba: What’s there to be happy about?
I would like to present Bubba and Percy with this recap’s What the Fucking Fuck Award. Also, if anyone would like to have a go at explaining what the hell these two are talking about, feel free to bring it up on the forums. I’m open to any theories on this, because shit, folks, I’m stumped here.
Back to the “action.” Hugo, Sarge and Lulu end up in the castle’s mess hall, and run offscreen, with Bubba and Percy literally two seconds behind them. How they could be that close in pursuit and not see at least some sign of their quarry is beyond me. But they look around the empty room, shrug their armored shoulders, and walk out. I’ll hazard a guess that these two didn’t become famous warriors for justice because of their skill at capturing criminals. Once they’re gone, a cloud of dust and a loud thunk from the fireplace tell us where our boys are hiding. Inside the fireplace, there’s a very uncomfortable-looking (and more than a little homoerotic) pile of bodies. Hugo’s and Lulu’s limbs are tangled up (sorry for that mental image, everyone) with Duckman sprawled on top (very, very sorry). There’s the obligatory few moments of struggling and yelling at each other, when Duckman suddenly squawks–yes, he says “Squaaawk!”–and the lot of them fall backward into a secret passage. How convenient.
‘Except that one girl…I have to stay 500 feet away from her now.’
Cut to a very dim and dank hallway. Duckman figures this passage must be really old, or their pursuers would have known about it. Lulu assumes, since he’s stupid, that this hallway will for sure aid their escape from Brass Castle. Sarge isn’t so sure, since it could just lead in the wrong direction. But since they don’t have a lot of other options anyway, Hugo takes off down the hallway, looking for the exit. Turns out there are random monsters in here as well–random monsters who inflict poison and heavy damage, and who would be dead a lot quicker if I had my fucking griffin with me. You’d think that if the game designers hated me this much, they would send me a nasty letter full of cursing and name-calling, instead of punishing me in this passive-aggressive way. But I guess this is just what game designers do to people on their shit-list, as I so obviously am.