When we next see the Yaoi troops, they are marching, Barry at their head, toward the Highland border. This particular unit includes Apple, Bear, Shu, and Hauser, which is definitely not how Barry told Apple to set things up, but we are all used to Apple fucking the dog by now, aren’t we? The procession stops its march when a Yaoiclone runs up from the rear. A whispered telephone game takes his message to another Yaoiclone, then to Shu, and then the company parts for Barry to hear it directly. Shu totally arranged that so Barry would feel like a big man, and Barry knows that, and it still totally works. “A message from Lord Flik,” the Yaoiclone says. “He’s found the Highland Army.” He found them! I bet they were really hard to spot, too! “General Leon Silverburg leads, with [Julia] and [Richard] below him.” Nice. Jowy is a sharing sort of lord that way. EXCEPT WITH BARRY, APPARENTLY.

Though Shu made sure Barry was the one to hear this message, he takes it upon himself to respond to it. “Leon Silverburg, eh,” he murmurs. “Let’s finish this here. Lord Barry, you lead a unit to the right. General Hauser, you lead a unit to the left. Stay hidden until I give the signal.” Maybe if these armies wanted to rely on camouflage they should have chosen uniform colors other than cobalt blue and flame orange. I get that looking right and tight is important here, but use your heads.

Apple wonders where that will leave Shu. He declines to provide details, only telling her he’ll be fine and that she should go with Barry. Yeah, now I’m suddenly more worried about Barry. He, Apple, and Hauser take a couple Yaoiclones each and take off, Apple hesitating a moment so, reading the sprite body language, she can make Concerned Eyes at Shu. Once they’re gone, Shu says, “Okay [Bear], just as we planned.” So Shu and Bear have been an item this entire time and they’re eloping to their new home, the Island Nations cabana Lepant set up but became desperate to sell after PUGGY!!! failed to overthrow him? What? Barry has reason to be paranoid these days.

Bear, for his part, bitches about always getting “the dirty jobs,” and this one must be a doozy if he didn’t have the same complaint about throwing Lassie like a Molotov cocktail into a room full of men armed with crossbows. Shu replies, “There’s nobody else I can ask.” Bear is the only person both competent and morally bankrupt enough to trust with this task! Bear takes this backhanded compliment as intended and, grumbling, takes his own men to the left. But then those men come back to escort Shu. What, did they have to see Bear off and make sure he knows he’s loved? With his full escort, whom he’s likely instructed to lie down one after the other in any large mud puddles so he doesn’t get his shoes dirty, Shu says to himself, “Okay. My last mission.” Your only mission! When does Shu ever go on missions? This man probably delegates wiping his ass.

On the fields between Muse and the Highland border, nine Highland cavalry units are arrayed in a tidy 3×3 square, facing Shu and Bear’s tiny, unimpressive units sitting in the forest. The three Highland generals take turns expositing about the enemy plan and throwing out ideas for how to counter it: while Julia is a big dumbass and just figures they’ll attack Barry when he makes his appearance, Leon, acting like he’s some kind of genius for penetrating Shu’s 12D chess strategy, knows that just opens them up to attack from Hauser. He finally says, “We go directly after Shu’s unit. He’s giving orders to both units. We eliminate him and we divide their forces in two.” This is pretty sound logic if you believe, as anyone would, that Shu is the actual brains of this operation. But when Richard asks if that too is a 12D chess move on Shu’s part and he wants them to go after him, Leon simply says, “He’s not man enough to willingly put his own life in danger.” It always comes back to dick size with you boys! Sure as the fucking sunrise. Also, big talk from a guy who squatted in an abandoned house until PUGGY!!! recruited enough burly meat shields to keep him safe.

I don’t even get to control Shu and Bear for this sequence, and can only watch as the Highland units inch closer to their location. Shu and Bear sit pat, because as should be obvious to literally anyone other than Leon and his pube-covered tape measure, Shu absolutely is using himself as bait. Because he is A MAN, not because he was counting on Leon’s confidence that he is the Shu Whisperer. No. It’s his huge penis. In the second round, when Richard and Leon both get close enough to attack Bear (and by the way, doesn’t that shoot Leon’s whole stupid theory in the foot, given that Bear is also here to absorb all those arrows?), Shu calls out to give the signal. But rather than Barry and Hauser appearing on their flanks, which would have worked well enough since the Highland units are all scattered now, Bear shouts, “That’s the signal!!! Hurry up! Light it!!!! Don’t let them get away!!!!!” Exclamation points run amok, AND lighting fires? I don’t want to alarm anyone, but it appears punctuitis has a second stage, and it’s arson. How did I never put this together?

“What!!! What’s this!!!!!!” Leon, the latest victim of the contagion, screams. “That idiot!!!!! He’s trapped himself in a sea of fire!!!!! Shu, you fool!!!!! What are you thinking? You’re doomed!!!!!!” You know what’s also doomed? My 1 key. Hanging on by a fucking thread over here. Richard and Julia try to order the troops to scatter, but that means it’s time for Shu’s second signal, for Barry and Hauser to surround and annihilate them. The battle ends before this happens and Barry can clear up who’s big and who isn’t once and for all.

Well, they’re not groping yet, and this is not a village, but I’ll take it.

Shu walks alone through the forest he ordered burned, past several corpses of Highland soldiers, some of them literally engulfed in flames. Shu’s ellipses string indicates he at least is taking no pleasure in this, but that might also be because he just spotted Leon, standing across the clearing from him. Nice how they both managed to find the safest area in this bonfire–I guess they both really are smart. “Well if it isn’t little Shu…” Leon says. I guess this is the first time they’ve been face to face this whole game. “How many years has it been since I gave your ears a good pinning back….” For you mewling babies who have never heard this Victorian-era idiom, because it’s just so very common among us olds, I swear, this means to give someone a severe scolding! Though it’s possible Leon is reminiscing about spanking Shu as a child, and I’m just going to stay far away from that. Shu pulls the “I don’t even think about you” power move, leading hothead Leon to retort, “You little brat…..” That’s probably accurate. I have a vivid mental picture of baby Shu getting baby Apple into an adjusted rate mortgage for habitation on the monkey bars.

Leon goes on, “But anyway, you forgot the rule #1 in ‘the book’: Don’t put yourself in danger…” Oh, fuck off, dude. Bad enough that Leon is advocating keeping himself out of harm’s way while surrounded by a bunch of dead bodies he put in mortal danger without a second thought, but this comes minutes after he said Shu was too much of a pussy to risk his own life, and attacked Shu as a result of this thinking. So it’s not like there’s some fucking “Strategists don’t fight” code here, or if there is he’s violating it. It sure seems like what’s happening here is Leon assumed Shu was a tiny-dicked coward and once he was immediately proven wrong he started bitching about having a big dick being against the rules. Save it for your 5 a.m. Twitter rants, Leon. Shu responds more succinctly than I: “I had to throw away ‘the book’. You read it too many times…..” Is there an actual book? The scare quotes indicate no, but we have thousands of meathead techbros in the real world who have based their entire lives on The Art of War and Steve Jobs’s biography. It’s not a large leap to make.

While Leon is still trying to figure out of this is a burn–okay, forget what I said about him being smart–Shu goes on, “Well, sometimes a futile gesture can be worth something… That’s what my friend, Apple, taught me.” THAT is definitely a burn. But which of his GOOD FRIEND Apple’s futile gestures taught him this valuable life lesson? There have been so many. Leon is unimpressed with Shu’s turn toward sentimentality, and is probably this close to going, “Ugh, Apple? FUCK HER.” Instead, he says, “Listen to me, punk. History doesn’t flow! It moves…in leaps and fits! Sometimes it must be pushed along by men like us. If a bit of suffering is the price we must pay, then pay it I will!!!” He is really suffering here! He came this close to singeing his pornstache!

This leads Shu to a bit of an odd question: “Are you saying that’s why you helped destroy the Scarlet Moon Empire, and why you’re helping Highland now?” I mean, I know that’s exactly what Leon did, but did anyone contribute more to the destruction of the Scarlet Moon Empire than Assarosa and his taking orders from a witch who was also a Lady Macbeth? And more importantly, what would Barry’s newest, pointy-shoe-wearing boyfriend think of Barry’s other boyfriend being a Scarlet Moon sympathizer? Leon replies, no shit, “This country needs the firm hand of the Highland Kingdom to guide it through the Sea of History.” Jowy’s big, firm hands. The biggest! Much bigger than average! And so strong! Watch him crush this Quarter Pounder with Cheese in his fist! Leon goes on to call Shu “the very definition of garbage,” like hello, have you looked at this man? Please toss me in whatever dump he’s in, thanks.

‘WHAT WAS THAT PENN TUITION FOR, YOU LITTLE INGRATE?!’

“Unlike you,” Shu shrieks, running forward and suddenly losing his cool, “I don’t think I’m some kind of god to use people like pawns!!!!” Uh, Shu, I don’t want to dwell on this and I honestly do think it was dope, but again, do we need to revisit the Lassie Grenade Incident? That was definitionally using someone as a pawn. Again, it ruled, do not take this as a criticism. The vehemence of Shu’s bald-faced lie causes a nearby burning tree to crack and fall down between them, Shu narrowly dodging out of its path.

At no point has it felt like either of these men are in any real danger, possibly because the forest as drawn is too sparse for it to seem like they’re trapped within it, but a black screen later, when Barry, Apple, and Flik arrive on the still-ablaze scene, and Shu is nowhere to be found, the Someone Just Ate It music is all over the moment. Apple is freaking out. “N, no…… It can’t be…that card…… Shu!!!! No!!! Shu!!!!!!!” I enjoy that Apple, who hasn’t had this instinct burned out of her by years of playing JRPGs, thinks her choice actually mattered. Even if he chose this tactic because of the card she picked up, I sincerely doubt there was a “Shu stays safely at home to make out with Barry” card. (Sorry, Barry. Truth hurts.) Apple is ready to charge into the blaze despite Flik’s protests that Shu is super-dead already, but before she can barrel past him to her own death (get out of the way, Flik, Jesus), Shu says from offscreen, “Apple, don’t make Shu’s sacrifice be in vain.” I guffaw out loud in my empty house. Even here he can’t resist making Apple look stupid.

Shu makes his appearance from stage left, accompanied by Bear. He mumbles, “A miscalculation. You meddlesome little… My role was finished and I was already at peace…..” Who actually thinks Shu was ready and willing to die here? Show of hands? Bear says, sounding a bit hurt, “C’mon now, I risked my butt to save you and all.” Indeed! And Bear’s presence for this mission in the first place puts the lie to this whole idea–Shu could have lit a few fires without his burliest-armed general to assist him. We know why Bear was really here, and it was to Bodyguard Shu’s fine ass out of this forest.

Shu faces Apple but remains all business: “Lord Barry, let’s head to L’Renouille. Apple, relay the order to General Hauser.” He then puts Apple in charge of the most important battle of the entire war campaign because arson and one heated conversation with the older man who used to spank him have taken it out of our favorite smug dickhead genius.

A handy black screen shunts the gang, minus Shu but plus Hilda so I can save my game, to the Muse-Highland border wall and its big, beautiful door. Apple tells Barry they should head to L’Renouille after taking “a break,” as maybe Barry needs to buy some beef jerky and go to the bathroom. Bear adds, helpfully, “All we have to do now is ride into L’Renouille. But don’t forget nothin’.” I assume everybody packed plenty of spare blue bandannas and black leggings for the trip, Bear. After a quick rest and save, and a quick perusal of the units to make sure I don’t have to waste precious time changing them around (whatever Shu says, he’s still present), Barry gives Apple the go-ahead. And the second they’re in Highland territory, boom! Barry will sprint out of there and go join his native Highlanders! So long, suckers!

Unlike Jowy, Barry is not that stupid. His army, in its full strength (i.e., Max is here!), gathers southwest of L’Renouille, staring down the Highland Army also more or less at its full power, though notably neither Jowy nor Leon are here. Still cleaning up that gory Jillia doll, probably. But replacing Jowy as the banner carrier is a new face. I have no idea how Klaus knows this at this distance, but he points out the generals arrayed against them: “We’ll be up against [Julia], [Richard], Yuber and Lucia….. Also Hal Cunningham leading the 2nd Army, the Royal Guards…” Barry is no doubt wondering if this Hal Cunningham is a cousin of Han Cunningham, his adopted daddy’s ex-boyfriend and prior holder of the Black Sword Rune, but to all of our collective shock, it’s a typo. Bear calls Han a “legend” but then says he’s willing to beat up Highland Grandpa if he must. Bear has never shown reluctance toward beating up anyone, including a bunch of other old guys, but still, good to know.

The schools in Highland must be top-notch to produce such analytical genius.

The other Highland generals shout and exclaim a lot to rally the troops–guess that Jillia sacrifice wasn’t enough on its own, weird!–but Han just mutters, “The ‘Bright Shield Rune’… That’s him…. Genkaku’s son…..” I feel weird saying this because in another life he could have been Barry’s other dad and he’s spiritually Jowy’s dad and there’s just a lot tangled up here, but Han Cunningham is a dark-haired, craggy-faced dime piece. Why must every man in this game have such perfect cheekbones? Barry only has one penis to give to the cause!

All Barry has to do is slide his unit through the city gates to win this battle. And making that easier for him is Yuber, who after three rounds of watching the Yaoi Army inch closer to his person, decides that is far enough, thanks. “It’s almost my chance…..and earlier than I expected….” he mutters, and disappears from the battlefield. If this were any other Highland general I would assume the vanishing act was just a speedy retreat, but this is Yuber, who can literally teleport. So what was the “chance” he was waiting for? He could have left whenever he wanted!

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As Julia is seething, “Yuber!!!!! You fiend!!!!!” and infecting whatever soldiers didn’t already have the exclamation consumption, Richard placidly accepts the desertion of their paid mercenary bishounen wizard, which is probably the healthy outlook to have. Meanwhile, the vanguard has crept close enough for Tsai to roast the two generic Highland units with his fire spears (which he, for once, does well), and between their easy defeat and Yuber bouncing, the entryway to the city is suddenly wide open for Bear to sashay on in. I thought Barry had to be the one to do this, but as Bear slides between Richard and Julia, nice, Hauser breathes, “Finally….L’Renouille…..” Come on, we basically decided to attack this place all of yesterday. It is not our white whale.