It’s completely my own fault for bothering to get PUGGY!!! before this point, and, I should note, a fuckup I somehow perpetrate on my own dumb ass every single time I play this game. I am an idiot. For now, Barry nabs Luc from the abyss of Leona’s character closet and leaves the building. At the town entrance, the group runs into their old acquaintance Khan Marley. Obviously he is here, annoyingly late to the party, on vampire-killing business, and tells Bear and Barry he is looking for a way to, and pardon the scare quotes everybody’s about to use, “seal [the Count]’s ‘soul’.” Bear Shions back, “Seal his ‘soul’?” and I seethe a little. Khan explains further, “I realized that even if I make a holy barrier and you smash [the Count]’s body using the Star Dragon Sword, if his ‘soul’ isn’t sealed, he can come back to life.” His only goal and occupation is to hunt vampires, specifically this vampire, and he just now figured this out? This guy has been wasting his life. And conveniently, there is someone who can do this for them. “He’s also after [the Count] and is in Tigermouth Village now,” says Khan. After warning the group that this mystery person is volatile and not to “make him angry,” Khan joins Barry’s merry band of vampire killers.
Just to make sure Barry doesn’t have to waste time looking for this very mysterious, very powerful, very male secret weapon against the Count, the party enters Tigermouth Village and immediately spots a crowd of Suikoclones gathered around a young albino woman in a purple cape. Hey, maybe Tilda Swinton here can help find this man who can seal the Count’s soul! As they get closer, they hear the Suikoclones yelling stuff at her like, “They say that the village of Tinto has fallen at the hands of the vampires and zombies!! You’re one of them, aren’t you!!” They’re also suspicious because she spends all day sleeping in her room at the inn. What, she’s a vampire just because she sleeps all day and has white skin and red eyes? THAT’S RACIST. I mean, she totally fucking is a vampire, but RACIST. And seriously, I don’t even know why it matters if she sleeps during the day, since sunlight doesn’t seem to affect vampires in this series. We only ever see the Count in broad daylight, like he’s trying to prove a fucking point.
Bear has had about enough of these Suikoclones bullying Ms. Swinton, so he steps in, swinging his dick around and being all chivalrous. They ignore him and continue to call Ms. Swinton, real name Sierra, a “hussy,” and a “suspicious pale faced woman.” But it’s Bear himself who delivers the last straw, telling them to leave “this little girl” alone. Finally, she explodes at all of them, “Who do you think I am!!! From my view you are just greenhorns!!!” In fact, she is so angry about these unspeakable insults, and the fact that these clods interrupted her beauty sleep, that she summons a cluster of purple lightning bolts to scare them off.
Oh no, Bear’s head!
The party stands unmoved by Sierra’s magical prowess, even Bear, who probably should be dead now. “YAAAWN…..” says Sierra. “Damn, I was really beat…. Not enough sleep.” Ooh, a lady who swears! Edgy. This super cool and beautiful vampire lady, shock of shocks, is confirmed by Khan to be the person they’re looking for. So why all this “he” business? Khan is a dick, jerking Barry around like that. Incidentally, I haven’t seen the writers try this hard to make me think a character is cool since the introduction of one Nash Clovis, Sierra’s future douche of a husband. And just like that, I now feel sorry for her future self.
Khan addresses her as Lady Sierra, and then Mistress Sierra, and we learn she is pursuing the Count because the Moon Rune in his possession was stolen from her village. “We can’t join forces, though,” she tells Khan. “Humans would just get in the way.” From Bear’s hip, the Star Dragon Sword breaks its recap-long silence to quip at her, “Look who’s talking, you vampire.” Sierra, of course, is familiar with the SDS, and they banter for a moment to the tune of “LOL STUPID HUMANS LOL.” And since the SDS is fine with hanging out with these meatsacks, Sierra supposes she can stomach it, too. “But if I find that you are slowing me down, I’ll take you down as well,” she warns. But she doesn’t mean it the way every character in the history of fiction who has said that line means it–no, she wants to fight these humans right now to make sure they are worthy of hanging out with her. This seems like more of a waste of time than any lollygagging Barry and friends could actually do, but whatever.
A girl who can turn into multiple girls? EEEEEK
The battle against Sierra, for all her talk, isn’t especially difficult, though at one point she summons an entire flock of bats to descend on Luc and bite his entire body, giving him deadly hantavirus. But–SUIKODEN III SPOILER!!!–he’ll be fine. When Sierra has had enough, she transforms into a pudgy albino bat and flutters around in bewilderment for a moment while Barry spins his little tonfa. Out of the battle screen, she returns to her humanoid form and deems Barry impressive enough to tag along while she deals with the Count. Whatever, lady, Barry is not into you. Sierra can join the party as a convoy or as a fighting member, and though she is a perfectly serviceable magic user, my pathological desire to have PUGGY!!! along on this adventure wins out and I stick her in the convoy. I did not go through all that bullshit in Banner Pass just to let him hang out in his house and have Gremio give him a pedicure.
So after a quick trip home to better equip Khan (who still can’t wear better than Leather Armor, Jesus) and to empty out his bag before the upcoming dungeon, and a “quick” trip to Gregminster to pick up PUGGY!!!, Barry returns to Crom Village. At the elder’s house, Klaus runs into the foyer to greet them, only for Sierra to emerge from Barry’s anal cavity and, to the tune of The Game That Shall Not Be Named theme music, start appraising Klaus like the most succulent ribeye she’s ever laid her eyes on. Oh dear. “I am called Sierra,” she creeps at him. “As a woman travelling alone, I was set upon by rogues and these people here assisted me.” Klaus backs a few steps away from her, begging Barry with his eyes to help him out of this. Sierra does not notice this and demands to know who this juicy young thing is. Klaus gulps and tells her, “My name is KLAUS…” I’m pretty sure his balls just leaped back into his body in fright. Barry would tell this lady to back the fuck off his man, but he needs to keep her happy, and besides, this is hilarious. “My, what a nice name,” Sierra creeps again. There is literally no way she’s not going to fly through Klaus’s window tonight. The terrified lad mumbles an excuse about needing to run an errand for Shu and sprints away. Sierra laughs at his terror and then she and Barry take a moment to appreciate his ass as it disappears up the stairs.
I guess there’s no sense of urgency to rescue Tinto, let alone Lilly, since Sierra and Khan both decide to call it a night at 3:00 in the afternoon. Nanami ushers Barry up to bed too, and after a black screen passes the night and Nanami wakes him up, I have a brief, horrible moment of panic that I fetched PUGGY!!! too soon and he jumped out of Barry’s window in the middle of the night and ran back to Gregminster. But false alarm–it looks like Luc and PUGGY!!! spent the night spooning inside Barry’s ass, where they belong. Whew.
Downstairs, Bear acts as Temporary Shu and lets Barry know they’ve received more bad news. Nerdy Marlowe, who somehow managed to escape Tinto well after all the useful people who could have helped him were gone, witnessed both Lilly and Lo Wen, Koyu and Gijimu’s sister, in the clutches of the Count. Neither one is a surprise–as we’ll see, Lo Wen continues the Count’s creepy streak of redhead captives–and the Count having hostages changes nothing about their plan, but Barry’s Tinto Council of Concerned Dudes is still acting like the sky fell down while Barry was sleeping. Bear says they have to hurry, but from the stairs Sierra lectures them as she descends, “It’s because you’re so slow. You have to be more conscious of the fact that you are my followers.” Listen, lady, Barry isn’t the one who needed an 18-hour nap yesterday.
How badly I wanted to Photoshop it so Klaus was saying this.
Klaus and Sierra awkwardly exchange good mornings, and then Sierra pointedly asks Klaus if he has anything for her to drink. Oh my. If Klaus had asked Barry that he’d already have his pants off, but Klaus is confused. He goes, “Yes, of course,” and walks into the kitchen. While Sierra is rolling her eyes at this tender but naïve morsel Barry has rented to her, Khan comes downstairs. “[Bear], Sierra, and Barry,” he says. “It’s almost time for us to enter the final battle. Let’s sneak into Tinto where [the Count] is.” Oh, let’s! Now that you two are feeling nice and refreshed. Or should we have Klaus fetch some eggs benedict, too? Jesus. As for how they’ll get in, Gustav tells them to enter a cave east of Crom, which should connect to a mining tunnel leading to Tinto. Convenient! Everyone leaves the house, only for Klaus to come back with a glass of water on a silver platter–no, really–and wonder where everyone went. Silly Klaus. Silver kills werewolves–that thing wasn’t going to protect you.
The Tinto mine is by far the longest dungeon Barry’s had to traverse thus far, and is arguably the first area he’s encountered in ages that could even be considered a dungeon. It is labyrinthine, dark, and full of tough monsters like flaming blue unicorns and undead ladies with jiggly tits, which I guess we’re supposed to consider female versions of the Count by their names (“Neclordia”). So for the record, the Count’s drag outfit would include a four-foot-long blonde wig and a lot of boob tape.
Preparation H should help with that.
About halfway through the mine tunnels, Barry encounters several rooms with what appear to be conveniently located slides made of solid ice. How it is cold enough in this mine in the middle of the desert for permanent ice formations to exist is beyond me, but that’s what they are. Maybe Gustav keeps it climate-controlled in here so the miners can enjoy morale-boosting ice sculptures of naked dudes. Nothing wrong with a little tasteful nudity in the blue-collar workplace! Oh, there is? Shit.
Anyway, for the most part, these slip-‘n’-slides are paths to various treasure chests. Barry also makes PUGGY!!! and Luc hold him as they slide down because he’s “scared,” a claim Nanami considers dubious but does not challenge. But in one room there are many, all leading to different levels of the cave. One leads directly to a save point and a doorway, while others dead end in treasure chests. They’re also so long that they extend past the bottom of the screen, making it difficult to tell where each slide actually leads. But most frustrating of all, one particular series of slides leads to a sprite that looks like Kevin Smith in his best and least Doritos-stained purple LARP wizard robes. Kevin Smith, who is actually named Mazus, chuckles at Barry and announces himself “a great sorcerer without peer.” Barry wants to ask why such a great wizard couldn’t magic himself some facial hair that doesn’t look ridiculous, but Mazus is a chatty Cathy and talks right over him. “What am I doing here?” he asks. “You don’t understand, do you. I’m letting my thoughts flow in this dark, pure cave. This is indeed the path to magic.” Translation: he followed a path of Skittles down here, and now he can’t find his way out. At the moment, Mazus is too proud to allow Barry to lead him out, which means Barry is guaranteed a return trip to recruit this tubby fucker. Delightful. Barry leaves him alone to “meditate,” the fucking liar, and returns to the save point.
Don’t fall, Barry!!!
The next room, filled with pools of water that somehow aren’t frozen like the ice floe slides, requires Barry to “solve” a frankly embarrassing “puzzle” involving pushing a single, conspicuous cardboard box into a hole in a walkway precisely the same size as the box. This is a strain on my mental faculties, but Barry manages it. When he gets up onto the walkway, even if he is running when he reaches the box, he has to carefully walk over the box itself, like it might loosen from its precarious position, perfectly wedged into the crevice. So scary!
‘I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!’
Eventually, the party comes to a large opening in the cave with a ramp leading up to a conspicuously smooth and flat staging area for a boss to confront them on. Not that that’s going to happen! Sierra’s all, “[Bear], you go first,” because she’s no fool. Bear, much more of a fool, shouts, “What’s that??? Is something coming out????” and despite his warning to himself, walks forward, just in time for a 1999 cutting-edge FMV to erupt in front of him. Fire spurts out orgasmically from the fissures in that previously smooth granite floor, and after a moment of ominous rumbling, the entire floor blows apart to reveal a golem with a perfect bodybuilder physique and a tiny head inside Juggernaut’s magic helmet. But since Luc is right here and someone would have noticed if he’d summoned this thing with his Wind Rune, it must be a minion of the Count! Oh no!