Back to the South Window inn. The whole situation gets explained to Rina, Eilie, and Andre, and Freed eagerly introduces himself as Granmeyer’s boy-toy. Like another guy we’ve met, Freed is very much into his boss. And he wants his boss to get into him. So happily, I’m presented with an even better opportunity to nickname a character Smithers, and this time I’m not going to pass it up. Waylon S implores Bear to get his shit together and leave immediately. Bear asks, “Are you gonna come along, Barry?” but Barry doesn’t get to reply, since Nanami decides she’s going, forcing Barry to go as well. Man, usually I’m at least given a token choice in these situations. And since Barry is coming, you know Eilie’s gotta snake her way into the entourage, too.
GASP!
Rina and Andre choose to remain in the city, because somebody’s gotta take care of Lassie. Hey, as long as that someone isn’t Barry, I completely agree. Flik, who’s of course traveling with Bear, says goodbye, but then the Slut!Music strikes up as Rina saunters her way over to Blue Boy. “Say, would you like to have tea with me? I’m so bored by myself,” she pouts. See, Rina needs Flik to stick around so she doesn’t get desperate and end up making out with her brother out of a lack of alternatives. “Huh? Me? I’ve got a friend….” Flik stammers, as he’s clearly keen to get away from her and into Bear’s rugged arms. But the party leaves Flik in Rina’s well-manicured talons before he can protest any further. Well, would you look at that, there’s an open slot in my party! I wonder if we’ll meet anyone along the way! No, that’d be way too convenient.
I don’t have any money to waste on stupid Waylon, so the party leaves town straight away and travels to North Window. The party is about five percent less sucky now–Andre and Rina were in pretty crappy shape–so any sentai squirrels stupid enough to get in Barry’s way get their asses kicked. Serves ’em right for trying to live in harmony with nature.
As the party walks into North Window, we get a slow pan over the decrepit village and castle. No one is around, and worse still, in the main courtyard there are several crudely erected crosses over a large mound of dirt. For the full effect, we hear the wind howling MIDI-ly. Nanami, for once, doesn’t need an explanation spoonfed to her, and says, “I’m sorry…….Sorry I asked before…..” Bear laughs it off, and gets all I-told-you-so. He explains that years back, North Window was attacked by “the vampire, Neclord.” Well, good to know that there’s only one vampire in the world. Further, Bear was out of town at the time, so he missed out on the blood-suckin’. Barry stays silent during this exchange, thinking sadly to himself how much Jowy loved suckin’. And to make sure everyone’s on the same page, since not everyone has played Suikoden, Bear says, “It all ended when I destroyed Neclord with my own hands.”
This is the part where I go, “DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN!”
A “mysterious” someone offscreen laughingly says, “Hmm, an interesting story,” and Bear’s all “!” because in this game punctuation equals emotion. Pan up, and we see a pale dude in a black cape. Hmm, who in the world could he be? “Y…you!!!!” Bear cries. “How!!!!” Sometimes, all I can say to the punctuation-happy writers of this game is “…………………………”
Anyway, surprise! It’s Neclord. You know, the vampire. Walking toward them. In broad fucking daylight.
Hey, I’m not trying to say that all vampires have to follow the parameters of the “classic” vampire. But as far as I can tell, Neclord is only a vampire in the following ways:
1) He sucks blood.
2) He can turn into a bat.
So, classic vampire powers without much in the way of classic vampire weaknesses. And he’s got a Frankenstein’s monster scar across his forehead, too. Huhwha? But at least he’s got one vampirey thing going for him–he’s purple. His sprite, anyway, is distinctly purplish. Enough so, anyway, where I can rename him.
NO means NO, Bear!
The Count is just delighted at the look on Bear’s face and at all the exclamation points (Vun exclamation point! Two exclamation points! Ah, ah, ah.) being shot in his general direction. “Did you really believe you could destroy an undead vampire?” he asks. Well, I for one am really glad he cleared that up. I thought for sure he was one of those newfangled live vampires. Bear somehow has no retort to this, so the Count continues. “I like this place. Thanks to you, [Bear], the corpses were in nice shape.” There is so much reading between the lines I could do with this statement, but I find myself really not wanting to go there.
More shock, fear and exclamation marks as the Count, with a flick of his wrist, dredges up said corpses from the earth. Vun corpse! Two corpses! Three…oh, I’ll stop now. This is quite the Oh Shit moment. If Barry and gang can’t even beat up squirrels and fluffy bunnies with authority, how are they going to fare against zombies? The answer, of course, is that they’re not. The Count, suckily enough, can’t be beaten at this point. He avoids physical attacks and does assloads of damage. The only thing that can really harm him is Barry’s Shiny Yaoi Rune, and not enough to kill him. But this is one of those character advancing battles, in which we find out the Count quite literally has a taste for the young ladies. One of his attacks involves turning into a bat and sucking blood from either Nanami or Eilie. I guess he doesn’t think Nanami is so ugly. Pretty enough to get bitten, Bear!
The battle ends after a few turns, leaving everybody huffing and puffing (in the bad way). Bear says, “It’s no good……To destroy him, we need…..” The Count finishes his thought: “The Star Dragon Sword, was it? Why don’t you go get it? This time I’ll destroy that sword. It caused me great pain…” The innuendo in this scene is disturbing me on levels I never knew existed. The Count is all, “Smell ya later,” and vanishes, handily leaving Bear and Barry the opportunity to go get the weapon of his destruction. How nice of him. Eilie blurts out, “What was that?” like it wasn’t just explained in excruciating fucking detail what “that” was. “Who was that strange, nasty man!!” Jesus Christ, she’s annoying. Bear isn’t listening, and says to himself, among other things, “…Rune of the Night, indeed!!!” Um. Kay. He eventually snaps out of it and rattles off some exposition concerning the sword–blah blah, the Count is invincible, blah blah, he’s a runic vampire, blah blah, we need this big phallic deus ex machina to kill him, blah blah penis. Waylon notes that whatever this Star Dragon Sword is, they’d better be going to fetch it, if it can keep the Count from sucking little girlies. That’s clearly a matter of great distaste to Waylon. Like, ew. Girls.
Bear agrees, and tells Barry they should go find the sword. Barry gets his token “Yes” or “No…but really, yes” choice, and when he tells Bear, “Don’t make decision for me” (go, shitty translation, GO!), Bear informs him they’re going anyway, so deal with it. Okay, fine. Bear tells us that our next destination is the Cave of the Wind, south of here. He then makes with the cryptic statements about the sword “hiding” or “waiting” for him there or some shit. Nanami and Eilie do their clueless puppydog looks, because they’re girls and don’t get things. “What?” Eilie says, deciding to verbally convey what a bonehead she is. “I’m not hiding anything.” Oh, shut UP, Eilie.
Ten seconds later our heroes have made the arduous journey to the Cave of the Wind. There’s more howling wind noises, since the Cave of the Wind is kinda windy. How do they come up with these names? A bunch of rocks are blocking the entrance. Bear says, “Hey, this is it. The cave’s behind this boulder.” Is this Make Plurals Singular Day? Lame!Exposition!Bear continues, “There’s always a breeze blowing through it, so they call it the Cave of the Wind.” I am shocked, SHOCKED! “When I was a kid, we used to come here to test our bravery. But be careful, there are monsters living in there now.” Monsters? In a mysterious cave? That has a save point right in front of it? It’s just one surprise after another in this recap!
Everyone works together to clear the “boulder” away from the cave’s opening, and we’re inside. Barry’s excited already. And he gets even more juiced up when the random monsters start appearing. Barry’s new favorite monster is Mr. Sun, a gargantuan bronzed muscle man wearing nothing but a speedo. You know those “European” fitness centers that look like thinly veiled gay gyms? Mr. Sun could be the statue in front of the building. There are also shirtless, chiseled Minotaur men with phallic horns and spiky maces. I bet Barry’s wishing Jowy could be here to see this. Too bad he had to turn all evil.
Barry and Mr. Sun get ‘close.’
A little over halfway into the cave, Barry comes across a few areas where he must manipulate boulders in order to block wind passages that would blow him…away. He eagerly does so, knowing that Mr. Sun will just love the muscle tone he gets from working with weights. Down one passage, Barry finds three treasure chests and an old man. He instinctively pillages the treasure before talking to the old dude, who says, “Hmm………Wanna take this with you? Good, good, I don’t need it anymore anyway.” Well, I’m glad that I have his permission now that I’ve already taken his stuff. He then asks if Barry would like to be guided back to the entrance. Barry says no way, as he’s pretty sure Mr. Sun and the Minotaurs are hiding a males-only sauna somewhere deeper in the cave. Whoo, baby.
After some more walking and some more snogging gay monsters, finally something happens. The party comes across a Mysterious Stranger™, who’s been waiting at this random spot for Bear. Okay, that’s just creepy. And Flik is gonna be soooooooooo jealous. The usual “Who the hell are you?” and “I’m a Mysterious Stranger™, duh” banter is exchanged. Mysterious Stranger™ eventually introduces himself as Kahn Marley, a vampire hunter. Well, that’s one heck of a coinki-dink, we’re also hunting–oh, forget it.
Ol’ Kahn somewhat looks the part of a vampire hunter–at least, much more than Bear or Barry do. He’s dressed in a dark trenchcoat and a…beret. Jeez, everyone in this game is gay. Underneath the beret, he sports a dirty blond mullet and heavy, dark eyebrows. In fact, he bears a bit of a resemblance to this other guy. Since I’m psychic and I know you all are going to be making the joke no matter what I do, I decide to simplify matters and just rename him Khan.
Khan’s headgear is apparently an Exposition!Beret, because he’s just bursting with unnecessary information. He explains that “The Marley family has been hunting vampires for generations. My father and his father before him both hunted [the Count].” Because Bear asked him for his entire freaking life story when I wasn’t looking, he continues, “Ever since I was a young boy, I vowed that I would destroy him. In the name of the Marley family, I swear I will destroy him!!!” Wait a minute. He’s from this famous family of vampire-killers, but three generations have now attempted, and two have failed, to kill the Count? Not very good at their chosen profession, are they?