The Juggernaut is unreasonably tough for a boss that comes right before another, way more important boss. His normal attack–in which he pounds his steroid-enhanced arms all over the front row–is bad enough, but in addition, occasionally the chemicals the Count pumped into his stone veins make him lactate, so he opens his large pectoral muscles like a pair of French doors and blasts the entire party with his breast milk lasers for a shitload of damage. And he can thump his fists on the ground and force up a surge of phallic rock spikes into the entire party to boot! Right when I was worried about switching to normal attacks to finish him off before I had no spells left for the Count, a berserked PUGGY!!!–the Juggernaut made fun of his pointy-toed shoes!–jams his staff into the monster’s sternum and all his stony muscles crumble right off.
For some reason, the Juggernaut had 50,000 potch, which is both barely enough for Barry to wipe his ass with by now, and an inexplicably large sum. Was that money he was supposed to give to the HGH dealer who hangs out in the parking lot behind the mine?
Sierra is not amused that the Count thought ahead enough to leave a trap for them in this mine, and Bear is even less amused that she knew it was there and had him walk into it like a chump. Khan settles Bear down with, “Ok, let’s go. It won’t do any good to go against Sierra.” I can’t believe that didn’t just make Bear even angrier, but ultimately he probably has to keep his mouth shut, since they only need the Star Dragon Sword. Nanami could probably thump that thing into the Count’s head if she got a couple practice swings first.
A short way past the Juggernaut’s ambush chamber, Barry comes across an outdoor mine cart bridge providing a rickety, terrifying link between two mountains. On the other side he enters what must be, from the wooden support planks on the walls and the superior lighting, the more frequently used mine Barry entered earlier from Tinto. After almost no time at all compared to the rest of their trek, they are running through the area where Barry and Nanami found the Count earlier, riding the elevator to the surface, and entering the city. At the entrance, Bear wonders where the Count could be hiding, and Khan offers this baffling statement: “Knowing him, he’s using the best place. Let’s search but be careful not to be caught by zombies.” Okay, first of all, Barry just got done fighting all manner of undead unicorns, the Countesses, skeletons, and all other manner of undead shit, and he now needs to sneak past zombies? Whatever, Khan. Secondly, what the fuck is “the best place”? Wow, what a helpful description. “He’ll be in that one place with the thing!” Good thing Barry’s got his Zagat guide to Tinto handy.
Just so Khan won’t give him a hard time, Barry carefully avoids the zombies standing guard all over Tinto, though he is forced to fight a few of them on his way to the top of the city, and obviously has no trouble whatsoever. When Barry reaches the church building on the cliff above Gustav’s house, Sierra pulls out of him to say the Count is definitely in there. Would it have killed Khan to say the Count was profaning a holy place or some wanker nonsense like that? At least that would have been a real clue. Regardless, Barry prepares as best he can, lamenting how many of Luc’s spells he used up on the Juggernaut. Khan tells them in front of the door to the nave, “Maybe he’s behind this door. That’s my sense as a hunter.” Oh my God, SHUT UP, KHAN. Just. Can it. God. Barry is super-ready to get this over with after that load of bullshit, so he tells Bear he is ready for battle and they charge in.
On the altar, the Count has arrayed his two captives: tiny redheaded Lilly, who is crying for her daddy; and redheaded bandit woman Lo Wen, who is older and a little…thicker, shall we say. Lo Wen gets only the tiniest amount of time to make an impression as a character, but she makes the most of it by telling the Count, “You idiot!!!!! What’s this, Bride #70?!! Catching that little girl!!!” Okay, that’s a lot of punctuation, but maybe it’s required to emphasize how gross the Count is. Indeed, he replies to Lo Wen, “I am immortal, so until she grows up, I’ll keep her by my side and bring her up as a lady.” I just threw up in my mouth a little. Lo Wen wants to know if she’ll also be one of his sad ginger concubines, but the Count is hella shallow and tells her she’s a “vulgar woman” and not to his tastes. Also, unlike Lilly and Tengaar (and Jess, maybe!), Lo Wen has probably had sex before and will immediately let the Count know how bad he is at it. Lo Wen swears over the unfairness of calling her vulgar, the Count reiterates that she’s too foul-mouthed and has too wide of hips for him, and Barry and the vampire-killing gang storm in to put everyone in the room out of their misery.
Actually, it’s just Barry, Bear, Nanami, PUGGY!!!, and Luc–Barry’s mission-specific guests are not showing themselves. For now, the Count is somehow surprised enough that Bear et al got past the Juggernaut. I mean, had there been several more studly rock statues with perfect six-packs and beefy arms it might have been tougher for Barry to maintain his composure, but come on, it wasn’t that hard. The Count taunts Bear that he’s not going to be able to defeat him in the first place, not with “that blunt sword.” The Star Dragon Sword shouts at this unforgivable slight, “Vampire!! The punishment for teasing me is a heavy one!!! I’ll make you regret it to the depths of your soul!!!” So the Star Dragon Sword is your average teenager on Tumblr. Got it.
The Count once again threatens to turn Barry and Bear into incredibly sexy zombies, leading Bear to issue this epic promise, with each declaration earning its own text box: “Heh, I’ll make sure you can never make that grin again. I’ll chop you up! Grind you up! Dry you in the sun! Break you to pieces! Bury you in the ground! Piss on you! Then I’ll dig you up! Pull you! Stretch you! Drag you around! And then, and then, in any case, I’ll never forgive you!!!” And there we have Bear’s deepest, darkest, most elaborate sexual fantasy. I think Flik would have fainted had he been here to hear it.
Hee hee. Grind.
Predictably, the Count is not especially threatened by any of this, and he turns around to summon his two hostages, but before he can move a fancy mandala appears on the floor in gold and green. The Count stutters at this until Khan enters from the bottom of the screen. “That was a great performance, [Bear],” Khan says. “Thanks to you, we are now prepared.” To the Count, he explains, “This is the sacred barrier that the Marley family researched for generations for this day. Now you can’t use your phase magic!” I wonder which member of the Marley family took the time to work in the Goatse symbols. Probably Khan’s weird uncle. Or werewolf cousin Bob.
And yet, the Count still isn’t concerned, since he faced this exact group of people before and still has his Moon Rune to get him out of this. As he calls upon it to eliminate the seal on the ground, Sierra dramatically swoops in. “Moon rune, seal and put to rest for a while this awesome power,” she tells it, and the rune obeys with what basically amounts to a sad trombone sound. And finally, the Count is really fucking worried. “No, no it can’t be!!” he cries. “It’s Sierra the Elder!!!! Mistress of the Coven!!!” She’s gonna use that “light as a feather, stiff as a board” trick on him and it’s gonna be so spooky, you guys. Since he knows all the totally crazy wiccan shit she can do, she demands he give back the rune he stole. Bear is so excited by the Count’s fear that he’s pretty much jizzing in his pants right now. He lifts the Star Dragon Sword high, mostly at the request of the sword to get away from the fluids downstairs.
He’s had years to come up with a one-liner and this is what he settled on?
I needn’t have worried about using so many spells on the Juggernaut–though the Count is a formidable opponent, this party is so unspeakably badass, especially with Khan and Barry both using Resurrection Runes, that one round of them going full-bore is more than enough to torch him for good. More’s the pity, since “Gothic Neclord” is one of the best pieces of battle music in this or any game, and I only get to listen to it for about a minute. (My husband cannot resist shouting “MOOOOOOOOORTAL KOOOOOOOOMBAAAAAAT” every time he hears it.) As Bear slashes the Count with the Star Dragon Sword, the vampire glows white and his form shatters into nothing. That was totally worth the hour I wasted putting PUGGY!!! in my party twice.
Of course, once we’re out of the battle screen, the Count is still there, grumbling about what “scum” our heroes are. He tries to teleport away, but as Khan warned him, that is impossible inside his fancy golden butthole seal. With no other choice, the Count grovels to Sierra that he’ll give the rune back, and with the help of two shiny white light beams the Moon Rune transfers from one vampire to the other. Speaking of things that look like buttholes…uh…the Moon Rune does. Butthole!
It’s like an anal Bat Signal.
Once the Moon–ha!–Rune is back with its rightful owner, Sierra reneges completely on any implied promise to spare the Count and instructs Bear to have his way with him. Hopefully not right here–that would scar poor Lilly for life. So finally, for the fifth time or so, Bear gets to deliver a big speech about how fucking awesome it is to kill the Count. “My family, my friends, the people who are important to me, killed by you,” he snarls. “That’s not all. You trampled on the lives of many times that many. It’s too late to beg for your life.” He raises the sword high and goes, “Hey, Star Dragon Sword.” And SDS quips, enjoying the hell out of itself, “Die, vampire.” It’s no “Some motherfuckers always gotta ice skate uphill,” but it’ll do. The slice from the SDS shoots beams of evil black light out of the Count, and he finally disappears, for good, forever, until they finally make another real Suikoden sequel and he comes back for the fuck of it.
The seven of them stand around awkwardly for a moment, like they’re never going to hang out now that their shared nemesis is dead. But they’ll totally always be friends! They need a pair of jeans to swap back and forth. As Barry runs down the hill toward the town entrance, he sees that the entire combined Tinto defense force has gathered, and Koyu, Gijimu, Marlowe, and Gustav are there to greet Lilly and Lo Wen as they reach the bottom of the hill. As Lilly cries and hugs her dad, Marlowe leers at her, “Ah, Miss Lilly, nothing is better than knowing you’re safe.” I only point this out because, again, according to THE INTERNET, Marlowe “has a crush” on Lilly, who is SEVEN FUCKING YEARS OLD. I have no words. I do not want him in Barry’s castle, stalking Yuzu while she shears her sheep. Ugh.
Once Barry has joined everybody, Klaus tells him that Jess managed to wipe out the rest of the zombies, which was basically janitorial work, but good job, I guess. But it leads to something more satisfying: Jess having to admit he was totally fucking wrong. “Barry…..” he reluctantly starts. “You defeated [the Count] and freed Tinto. Why? Why would you do that?” Barry’s like, “Because I’m not an asshole?” Actually, he responds, “I don’t want to run away anymore,” which kind of sounds like he’s admitting guilt in Anabelle’s murder, and FUCK THAT. But Jess doesn’t really seem to care anymore. “Hauser,” he addresses his general, “I lost a lot of soldiers due to my own poor judgment. Anabelle’s last request was for Muse and the State to be saved. But I realized I can’t handle that responsibility. I’m leaving my seat as acting mayor of Muse City.” He goes on that Hauser should start taking orders from the next person in line, Big Gay Fitcher. God, what is it with acting mayors and having to be drama queen fucking martyrs all the time? It’s exhausting. “I hear that Fitcher is in the Yaoi Army now,” he goes on, DON’T WORRY ABOUT POOR MEEEEEEEEE written on his forehead in the blood from his wrists. “You can join the Yaoi Army, too.” Hauser is all, “Fuckhead, you need to shut your whiny ass up and join the Yaoi Army, too, because I don’t want to have a long-distance relationship.” He adds pointedly, “Lord Barry and you were aiming for the same goal. You shouldn’t part company for such a silly reason.” God, right? Jess is dumb. Barry senses that the good ending, in which he rescues Jowy from a tower like Rapunzel, is so close he can taste it, so he echoes Hauser’s sentiments.
But Jesus Christ, Jess can’t let this Anabelle shit go. “Let me ask just one thing,” he asks. “Think back…Lady Anabelle liked you a lot. She was happy that Genkaku’s son showed up looking so brave. Are you sure you’re not betraying her faith in you?” What part of JOWY KILLED ANABELLE is so hard to grok here? Is he selectively deaf, or has he constructed a massive, invisible echo chamber in a fifty-yard radius around his body? Barry rolls his eyes and answers, “I’m not betraying anyone.” But this, fucking finally, is good enough for Jess, who admits, “My anger at losing Lady Anabelle may have been turned on you.” Gee, you fucking think so, buddy? “Now that Anabelle is gone, I have to live by my conscience. Lord Barry, I’m sorry for any disrespect I may have shown. Will you let me fight with you?” The screen goes black before Barry demands a Yaoi Army entrance fee of ten face slaps for the disrespect Jess “may” have shown. God, he can’t even apologize without being a dick.
NOOOOOPE
The writers only made a big deal out of Jess joining up and working out his feelings on Barry’s penis, but he now also has the permanent services of Hauser, Gijimu, Koyu, Lo Wen, Khan, Sierra, and for some goddamn reason I can’t fathom, Marlowe. Back at HoYay, Barry barely has time to figure out where all these assholes will be sleeping, and whether he’s going to make Marlowe register as a sex offender, when Sheena meets him in front of the elevator and asks him to go talk to Shu in the war room. Oh goody, more bad news, I’m sure! But it will have to wait. Next time, Teresa will make her “long-awaited” return to Greenhill, an occasion she wrote some horrible poetry for, and Barry will fight a boner dragon! Until then!