Temporarily free from both his army responsibilities and Clive’s endless fucking nagging, Barry decides to take a spin around his castle. His first stop, of course, is High Yo’s kitchen, where he’s hoping he can grab a burrito in peace–he’s hungry after lugging Clive all the way home–but he knows he’s probably in for another chef battle. Sure enough, a crowd has gathered again, and a chef in a lovely bright blue chef’s jacket, named Goetsu, is in the middle of telling High Yo, “My goal is the achievement of culinary perfection. I heard the famous [High] Yo was here so I came right away.” Now, Jeanne can’t get through this paragraph without replacing “Goetsu” with “Goatse,” so even though it’s pretty nauseating to reference that when he’s cooking food for Barry’s army, he has a new nickname. High Yo just blushes and tells Goatse modestly, “‘Famous’? Oh come on, I’m not that famous!” Certainly not as famous as Goatse! Indeed, High Yo knows Barry’s secretly disappointed that he doesn’t have a Michelin star restaurant at his castle yet. But maybe out-cooking Goatse will get those reviewers through the door–ew–so Barry tells him to have at it.
I described the details of the battle last time, and nothing has really changed except for the opponent, the judges, and what I have High Yo cook. Fukui-san introduces the judges: first, resident “mild-mannered” armorer Gilderoy Lockhart, who requests “salmon mauiere,” like Barry went to Ina Garten’s house and killed garden gnomes until he found that recipe. Next, it’s Gengen, who probably thinks that salmon meunière involves eating his own poop. Third, “He used to hunt for treasure, but now he needs strength for his job at the store. It’s [Lloyd Christmas]!!!!” announces Fukui-san. That cuts deep. “Hey Lloyd, remember how your life used to be exciting, but now you sit behind a counter and sell medicine?” The final judge is Rina, who Fukui-san implies probably likes corn dogs and fried Twinkies because she’s a carney, but she really likes them because they’re phallic.
Once High Yo has been introduced to the home crowd, the chefs get to work planning their meals. This time I’m a little more careful with recipe selection, and I also have the benefit of a few more recipes to choose from. High Yo goes with an island salad (salad with soy sauce), hot spareribs (teriyaki with salt), and once again sugary ice cream, or pudding, for dessert. That’s basically the most boring meal in the universe, but High Yo and sous chef Barry are more than capable of heightening those flavor profiles, if I can only mash X fast enough. During the cooking montage, Team HoYay gets stuck in a bit of a loop chopping cabbage, and I have to say, it’s totally mesmerizing. Barry’s knife skills are great, probably due to his strong wrists. One more thing he can thank Jowy for.
Team Goatse makes a steak sandwich for an appetizer, and if this were Chopped I’m sure Amanda Freitag would be giving him wicked side-eye over such a large appetizer portion. The judges are way happier with High Yo’s salad, mostly because they want to have a place to sleep tonight. Goatse made his signature dish, buttered clams, for an entrée, and both dishes get “great scores” from the judges. So it might have been close, except for dessert, Goatse decided to make cream quiche, and the judges are like, “What is up with all these challengers serving eggs for dessert? Gross,” and High Yo wins handily. Goatse is very gracious in defeat and hands over his buttered clams recipe, along with a very suspect-looking wedding band. Unless High Yo starts serving fish tacos, Barry cannot think of a less appetizing item on his menu.
Cocko! Go sit over there with Nanami!
Barry fucks around with Barbara’s inventory for what feels like an hour–but would have felt like five in Suikoden–before heading outside to get some fresh air. As he walks down the path, nodding in polite greeting to the many Suikoclones on his payroll, a girl in a green dress runs by, looking this way and that, muttering to herself, “Damn it, where did that jerk go? His legs must be as quick as his hands…” Now, this implies that the mystery man she is looking for was getting a little gropey, but let’s be honest: this is Suikoden. Any man probably would have run in the other direction if this girl so much as wanted to hold hands.
And sure as shit, as the girl stalks off, a familiar towheaded figure pokes out from behind a tree. We last saw Sheena, offspring of PUGGY!!!’s least favorite person Lepant, begging Tai Ho for a ride across the lake. Now, you’ll note that in that brief appearance, I referred to Sheena as Lepant’s son. But in the time since then, Jeanne quite rightly pointed out that Sheena is obviously his rebellious lesbian daughter. I hope this tiny inconsistency on my part doesn’t set anybody’s browser on fire. Anyway, Sheena doesn’t even notice Barry–and what man in this game wouldn’t take notice of his studly self by now?–and exposits to herself, “Yikes, that was close! Until things blow over, I think I’ll go hide out with [Bear] and the others.” She’ll hide where sensible girls wouldn’t even think to look for her.
Shrugging, Barry returns to the war room, where the usuals are gathered, listening to some lame report from Apple. Shu says, “Lord Barry, we’ve been looking for you! Where have you been?” Barry doesn’t even have time to answer that he was doing inventory with Barbara, winning disgusting recipes for High Yo, and bathing with the Knights of Matilda, because Bear cuts in with, “Ha ha ha! Even Lord Barry needs some time for himself now and then. After all, he is still a young man.” Yeah, let’s go with that. He was having some Barry time! In the bath! With Camus! But Shu gives Bear this silent, withering look, until Bear backs slowly away. “Lord Barry, please do not forget your responsibilities as leader of the Yaoi Army,” Shu says sternly. “When you leave the castle, you must take every precaution to ensure your safety. The army would collapse without your leadership.” Oh my God, Shu, he didn’t even leave! He was surrounded by asshole army members the entire time! Barry hopes he isn’t going to be forced into a discussion about possessiveness and boundaries with his main squeeze, here.
Now that we’re all done being awkward, Shu asks Apple to brief them on the current situation. Apple dutifully recites, “The Yaoi Army now commands nearly 25,000 soldiers, which is roughly equal to the size of each Highland Army company.” Oof. That is not a good comparison. Continuing: “The Highland Army has 4 companies, of which the 1st, 3rd, and 4th are deployed against us. Kiba’s 3rd company lost 2/3 of its forces in yesterday’s battle, but the remaining companies could easily overwhelm this castle.” Good news as always, Apple! Thanks!
In the event of a siege, I vote they eat Cocko first.
Flik comes to the obvious conclusion: that the army needs bigger, more impressive numbers. But where could those numbers come from? Big Gay Fitcher reminds them, “Tinto is fortifying its borders, but won’t reveal its intentions. We’ve sent a number of messengers, but have received no response.” Bear summarizes the shit sandwich they are in: “Greenhill is under Highland control [and sucks! Don’t forget that Greenhill sucks], Matilda hasn’t changed its position and Tinto is ignoring us……. There’s no other allies to turn to…. This could be the end.” Ridley adds that King Adolf, once he’s back from being coronated and steam cleaning his dad’s blood off the tile, will be all too happy to burn down their castle and cut off all their heads.
That all sounds pretty terrible, and Barry would really rather not die thinking about Jowy’s honeymoon with Princess Jillia, so thank heaven a highly convenient lesbian ex machina saunters in and tells them, “Looks like you need to ask my old man for help.” Apple jumps in the air and yelps, “Who the hell..!?” The camera pans to Sheena, who walks over to face Apple. “Hey Apple, how’ve you been?” she asks. “Mmm… You look more womanly every time I see you.” Ugh. UGH. NO. Ridley goes, “Who are you!?” and looks like he wants to bite her, like she’s the mail carrier. Instead of giving a straightforward answer, which anyone would do if facing a bunch of hostile strangers, Sheena durrs, “Well, let’s just say that I’m an ‘old friend’ of Apple’s.” Whatever. Apple doesn’t have any friends. Apple is scandalized at this, which Sheena just takes as playing “hard to get.” They just scissored that one time on a lonely night in Penis Castle. Sheena should probably get over it.
The best part of this is that Ridley ignores all of Apple’s “DO NOT WANT” signals and assumes this butch young lady is really an old flame of hers. “We’re in the middle of an important meeting,” he says condescendingly. “You and she can reminisce when we’re finished. Now, please leave immediately.” And he starts to drag Sheena bodily out of the room. Only then does Sheena sputter about her father, and Apple actually asks Ridley to put her down and listen for a second. “This is serious business,” Ridley snits. “We hardly need the help of some trespassing punk’s ‘old man’.”
But, of course, Sheena’s dad is a big swinging dick who took over an entire penisy wing of Penis Castle just because he could, and laughed at poor PUGGY!!! from the scrotal balcony. Even better, Lepant got promoted, because Sheena shouts at Ridley, “My dad’s the president of the Toran Republic!” And again, Apple backs her up, confirming that she is the child of “President Lepant.” Elsewhere, in some distant coffee shop, PUGGY!!! thinks of Lepant’s stupid face and now can’t finish the rest of his latte in peace.
After a black screen, Sheena greets Bear and Flik, the other two people in the room who know her and could have spoken up at any time about her potential diplomatic usefulness. Cocko, who is in the room for reasons I cannot fathom, asks what the hell the Toran Republic is. Glad you asked, dingleberry! Ridley explains, spoiling the end of Suikoden for those of you who don’t already know, “It’s a new country south of the City-State, established after the State’s perpetual enemy, the Scarlet Moon Empire, was overthrown and Emperor [Assarosa] was killed. Their first president is a man named Lepant, although I heard that it was [PUGGY!!!], the hero who vanquished [Assarosa], who was expected to take the throne.” Yeah, but PUGGY!!! also thought they would find someone who isn’t a penis penthouse-stealing douchecanoe to take over. Why not the Flower General? He would have been perfect!
While Barry has been briefly possessed by Tenkai Star psychic waves that make him want to beat the stuffing out of Lepant and his stupid kid, Shu has been thinking over this possible alliance, and figures it’s a good idea. But fellow Radat citizen Waylon, who is also inexplicably in the room for this, shrieks, “It’s a terrible idea! The Scarlet Moon Empire may have changed its name, but they’re still an enemy of the State! How can you think of cooperating with such a vile nation?” Oh, get over it, Waylon. I mean, yes, Lepant is a dick, but does he really believe that the government and philosophy of this nation is unchanged when it was overthrown by a coup led by people who were just as disgusted with how things were being run as he was? Seriously? Sheena basically says, “Dumbfuck, that’s why the whole coup thing happened. Jesus.” Shu adds that similarly, their own army is not accountable for the corrupt, bugfuck idiocy of the City-State leaders. Obviously.
Shu kicks it to Barry, and since the only con he’s heard is from Waylon, whom he hates, he answers, “Let’s form an alliance.” Sheena is, of course, all for it, but she doesn’t have any idea how they’ll get there, because apparently crossing the “badlands” between the two nations is impossible, and she got here via a boat from Highland. So she just came here because she’s out of money and doesn’t know how to get home, didn’t she? Also, I don’t even want to jump down the Suikoden geography rabbit hole again, but if these two nations are separated by impassable badlands, how were they supposedly at fucking war all the time? Bear says smugly, “Is that right? I crossed them three times…” to which Flik replies, “Of course, I was almost killed in the process.” Hey, let’s just refer to that with one throwaway line! Their gay adventures sure sound like they were fun, though!
Given what Shu did for a living before shacking up with Barry, I find it absurd that he doesn’t have a solution to this problem himself, but he asks, “[Waylon], surely you know a way?” Waylon knows things? Pull the other one, Shu. But Waylon indeed replies, “Well, yes… I suppose you can get to the Toran Republic from Radat, the town just east of South Window.” WE KNOW WHERE RADAT IS, WE WERE JUST THERE. God. Well, that sounds pretty simple, and I don’t know why everybody was making such a big hairy deal out of it. Sheena is all ready to go, but Waylon follows up his freely given helpful advice with, “Sorry, I can’t do it.” Okay, we’ll find another guide. Get the fuck out, you’re fired.