This switch opens the Goron cell below, which is always such a great reward for Twink. The asswipe Goron tells Twink that there’s a door hidden behind the statue in the entrance room. As much as I hesitate to give him any credit for the tip…let me rephrase that. I don’t want to admit any helpfulness on the part of these shitty Gorons, but if I weren’t following the player’s guide, this might actually be useful advice. He also basically tells Twink that he’ll need to use the hammer to destroy it, like Twink hasn’t already destroyed a nearly identical statue in this dungeon already. Plus, like there will be any puzzles from here on out not related to the hammer. The only other thing to do is grab the Small Key, and Twink is out of there. Just outside the nipple room, he can now jump across to another platform with a Goron face. When he smacks this one with the hammer, the entire column falls down several floors (with Twink screaming the entire way) until it lands in the lava pit in the room where Twink encountered Darunia. For the record, this means that Twink finally followed the advice from the very first Goron he rescued, not that Twink remembers any of that by this point.
Like heroin?
Twink’s next course of action is to bust up the Goron statue in the entrance chamber, which is, conveniently for once, the next room over. This statue is just down to the right of the stairs, and stands one block taller than the one he destroyed earlier. This statue also has a ribbed line down the front and no limbs, so it’s essentially a penis. A penis with a Goron face. Enjoy that mental image when you’re trying to sleep tonight. Twink eliminates the Goron penis without a second thought — he doesn’t care if it’s an ancient artifact or a phallus. This abomination needs to go. It emits a weird sci-fi sound as Twink destroys each section, which is a strange choice on the part of the game designers, unless Gorons arrived in Hyrule on an alien mothership. I guess this would be more evidence in favor of the Goron queen. Moving on. The door behind the statue is locked, which seems like overkill, but Twink has the key, thank God. The room beyond is full of magma slugs and flaming bats, with barely enough room for Twink to maneuver. This is all just filler at this point, but the next door doesn’t unbar until Twink kills everything in the room. The game designers are assholes.
It gets worse. The next room is a clone of the one with the flying tiles and, of course, the vagina tube. This is the last straw. If that pulsating flesh tube touches Twink, he is done with this bullshit. Darunia and Twink Jr. can go to hell along with Hyrule. Ganondorf can have the fucking place. Thankfully for Twink’s sanity, he is able to destroy the vagina tube from across the room, and the Gold-Assed spider on the back wall gives him the last token he needs for this dungeon. He never has to come back to this place again, to his overwhelming relief.
Less reassuring is the next room, which forces a second mini boss on Twink. It’s another Fire Dancer, which is just as easy to defeat this time around. I think it’s supposed to be easier, since Twink can just extinguish its flames by hitting the floor with the hammer — I’m not sure how this would actually work to put out a fire — but it wasn’t difficult with the Moneyshot earlier. Defeating this fucker unbars both the doors, and Twink heads through the one he didn’t come from in order to find the final Goron. Holy shit, is this really the last one? I ended up losing count, so I did a quick Google search and found out there were nine in total. That’s the entire population of Goron City, minus Darunia, Twink Jr., and the possible Goron queen. Now, I am not at all complaining that I didn’t have to rescue the population of an actual city. Still, it’s a ridiculously small number if we’re talking about a realistic city population. Twink hopes the Gorons are in danger of going extinct. Let’s not burst his bubble — this is all he has.
Penis!
The last Goron has nothing of importance to tell him, not even about the boss — of course not, since Twink won’t have to fight her. Not at all. The Goron just begs Twink to help Darunia, which makes Twink want to punch him in his stupid grinning face. The ginormous gold and turquoise chest in this cell holds the Boss Key, which I’m sure makes this Goron feel like a giant stud, even though he’s so not. Now Twink finally returns to the room with the boss door that Darunia went through about a million years ago. His strategy is to unlock the door, chuck the hammer through it, slam the door shut again, then hole up with Sheik in the barn at Lon-Lon Ranch for two weeks. Twink hopes he will not catch sight of the undoubtedly terrifying Vulvagina in the process.
Naturally, nothing goes according to Twink’s perfect plan. He gets sucked into the boss chamber against his will, and Darunia is nowhere to be found. He had better be dead — otherwise he’s in huge trouble, and not just for the Twink Jr. incident. In the center of the bubbling lava is a large round rock platform with nine lava holes in the top of it, arranged in a 3×3 grid. The lava provides the only light, giving the room an ominous aura befitting giant murderous lady bits. Although Twink sees nothing in here that resembles a monstrous vagina, he approaches the rock platform with trepidation. The camera even does a closeup on his frightened face as the ground starts shaking. The brick platform leading back to the exit sinks into the lava, trapping Twink in this fiery hellhole all alone (Naggy doesn’t count). Well, shit.
The center hole in the grid starts boiling, and if Twink finds out he’s standing on the vagina somehow — he doesn’t know how many actual holes the ladies have — he is going to burn himself to death in the lava like Gollum. But then a huge, red, ribbed penis with a fiery mane erupts from one of the holes. Twink wants to warn this phallic creature about the vagina that may be lurking nearby, and that’s when the boss text appears: Subterranean Lava Dragon [Vulvagina]. Holy shit, where is it? Twink can’t see it behind the penis monster!
Oh wait.
So after all that, the fearsome vagina dragon the Gorons have been freaking out about is actually a giant wang? Twink breathes the world’s hugest sigh of relief. He can handle a penis. Oh man, fuck Darunia for scaring him like that. Asshole. So the inappropriately-named Vulvagina likes to burrow into the lava buttholes on the platform, and then pop up out of a different butthole. Twink has to figure out which one this is based on the spurting flames and then play whack-a-mole with the hammer. After Vulvagina collapses from sustaining a concussion, Twink stabs it in the face with his sword. This causes Vulvagina to erupt once again, and then fly around raining fire and/or boulders down on Twink. All Twink has to do is avoid these attacks until Vulvagina jams its full length into a lava butthole again. Now, when I say “all Twink has to do is avoid these attacks,” what actually happens is that Twink gets a face full of fiery jizz from the head of the penis dragon and then gets crushed to death under a boulder. In Twink’s defense, he entered the room with only half his life bar filled, thanks to those shithead flaming bats. Still, this is probably my worst performance ever against this particular boss. I guess this is my comeuppance for getting the hammer on the first try. But in your face, gaming gods! Twink’s bottled fairy brings him back to life to continue the fight! Twink has to repeat the whack-a-mole process a few times until the last face stabbing causes Vulvagina to sink into the lava butthole, clutching its head in pain. In spite of himself, Twink feels some sympathy for this majestic phallic creature.
Penis!
In its last defiant act, Vulvagina bursts out of the central lava butthole and writhes around in midair until its flesh melts off. Its skeleton falls onto the platform and disintegrates as its skull lands right at Twink’s feet with a thud. It totally grosses Twink out until the burnt skull magically transforms into an Ass Container. That’s more like it. Twink thinks about holding another moment of silence for the probably dead Darunia, but no — fuck that guy. Twink is still so pissed off and disoriented over the whole debacle that he forgets to grab the Ass Container before warping out of the dungeon. Man, he has got to pull himself together.
A giant blue rupee forms around Twink and teleports him somewhere as the screen fades to white. Instead of following up with Twink, we cut directly to Cockariko Village, where some redheaded idiot in Zubaz is staring up at Death Mountain from the top of his roof. He nearly falls off when the volcano erupts, shooting a flame penis out the top and sucking the clouds and fiery cock ring up into the sky, leaving behind a happy blue sky and fluffy white clouds. Crisis averted! We can all pretend we’re so relieved that the people of Cockariko won’t be destroyed in a volcanic eruption or penis dragon rampage. Hooray. Twink has restored the space-time continuum and prevented a lady somewhere from getting fake tits.
Also, just as a side note, the guardians of the three pearls in Wind Wanker are apparently descended from their counterparts in Cockarina of Time. We’ve already covered Jabba and the Dicku Tree in this game, but apparently Valoo, the flabby red dragon with the molested tail, was descended from the legendary boss monster Vulvagina. I guess the dragons mellowed out over time — weed would explain a lot about Valoo. More importantly, this adds another layer of shitfuckery to the whole Zora-Rito evolution debacle. The Gorons must have moved out of Death Mountain to live their lives as seafaring merchants, and the Zoras moved in, evolved into Ritos — or evolved and then moved in? — renamed the mountain to Dragon Phallus, and made nice with the local stoner dragon. Sure, still so much sense-making here.
Enough with the Wind Wanker bullshit for now. The action switches to the Chamber of Sages, helpfully labeled for us like we haven’t already seen Twink in here twice. Twink’s teleportation rupee drops him off on the Triforce symbol in the center of the main watery platform. The other pedestals are all empty — even Saria’s — until Darunia slowly rises out of the red one. The camera focuses up at Darunia from the vicinity of his crotch as Twink doesn’t even try to hide his disappointment that Darunia didn’t perish after all. Still acting like there’s nothing for them to discuss, Darunia thanks Twink for helping out with his stupid problems once again. So in other words, Twink ended up doing all the rescuing and dragon slaying while Darunia took a trip to the Chamber of Sages to hang out with his buddy Rauru and laugh about how gullible Twink is? This is bullshit. Darunia tries to use their past relationship to get on Twink’s good side: “You turned out to be a real man, just like I knew you would!” Damn it…but no! Twink will not let his hormones get in the way this time. And then just to be a total jerk, Darunia chuckles over how ironic it is that he just happened to turn out to be the Sage of Fire. Yeah, what are the odds? Not only is he the one named character from the region where the temple is located, but he’s already buddy-buddy with the Sage of Light himself. That’s like the boss’s son acting surprised that he got a job at his dad’s company. Nice try, Darunia.
Is he referring to the babydaddy thing here?
“Nothing has made me happier than helping you seal the evil here!” Darunia continues, like he did anything to help. Or is “helping you seal the evil” a euphemism? Darunia doesn’t elaborate, but he does have something else to give Twink, he says. Oh God, this had better not be custody of the kid. Twink’s impending freakout doesn’t last for long — Darunia just wants to hand over the tacky Fire Medallion. The design on its surface is either a stylized flame or a middle finger — either one would be appropriate. Darunia tells Twink this shitty accessory also represents their friendship. Twink doesn’t know if this is Darunia’s roundabout way of telling Twink to fuck off, but if Twink takes him at face value, this seems to mean that Darunia no longer has any romantic feelings for him. And his goodbye speech — for that’s what this is, now that Darunia is going to spend the rest of his life in here or guarding the Fire Temple or whatever — doesn’t include anything about Twink Jr. Twink doesn’t really care why Darunia isn’t into him anymore — as far as he’s concerned, Darunia is giving his blessing for Twink to pursue his relationship with Sheik, and not saddling him with a kid. Maybe Twink was jumping to the wrong conclusion about Twink Jr. coming out of his body. Whatever the truth may be, Twink is going to interpret Darunia’s silence on the matter as it not being an mpreg thing. Twink Jr. was created with someone else! Twink’s memories of Darunia don’t have to be spoiled after all! Now, he might just be in denial, but let’s let him have this one, people.
Twink magically teleports back to the Triforce seal just outside the Fire Temple. The beautiful blue sky shows through the crater above. What a great day it is. Before Twink can proceed with his sunny new outlook, he has a few trifling tasks to take care of. First is the Ass Container that he stupidly forgot to grab in the boss chamber. This is easy enough, since he has to pass through two simple rooms to get there. Next, he retraces his earlier steps across the broken bridge and along the wall until he finds a cave blocked by two brown boulders. I think Twink can bomb these like he did the ones outside the Great Fairy’s Fountain earlier, but he destroys them with his hammer instead, and that’s way more satisfying. Inside is another terrifying Great Fairy (this one of Wisdom, if that matters), which doesn’t do a lot for Twink’s mood, but she does perform a magic bar enlargement on him, which is going to totally impress Sheik the next time they meet. The camera even focuses on his crotch a few times, just for those who might not get what’s really going on here.
And finally, now that Twink can warp to the Triforce seal in the Death Mountain Crater, he can access another bean hole there as a kid. With a reluctant sigh, Twink warps to the Temple of Time, goes back to his tragic past and shrinks his penis, then warps back to the Death Mountain crater again. As a child, he can’t wear the fire resistant tunic even though it should be physically possible to do so — apparently it only works when it has a perfect custom fit. Therefore, Twink has exactly one minute and twelve seconds to kill the Gold-Assed Spider in the bean hole and plant his third to last bean. It’s all very tense in that it takes him twenty seconds. He teleports back to the Temple of Time, and I am totally done with Twink’s adventures for the time being. Sam will be responsible for him in the next recap.
I’m leaving Twink on a happy note — by which I mean his life is marginally less shitty than when he thought he was a nonconsensual mpreg babydaddy. I’m sure things will continue to trend upward for him, and he won’t get stuck with an even worse dungeon and character reunion in the next recap. See you in Part 7!