I have a hard time believing that a male would give Twink a ‘special gift.’

Twink finds the remaining rupees by jumping on platforms across the stream, running around through some tall grass, and walking along a precarious rope bridge to a random tree stump platform. In addition to a blue rupee, he also encounters a little blonde girl on the platform. “Hee hee hee! You came all the way up here? You’re a real man!” she squeals, obviously hitting on him. Twink would rather jump off the platform and risk injury than stay here and risk being trapped by this frisky chick. So he does. His magical fairy powers protect him from harm.

EEK!

Near the house where he found the catwalk, another boy who resembles the Weasley Triplets and Brinco hunches over a bunch of grass. Twink eyes him suspiciously, wondering if Brinco’s strange affection for inanimate natural objects is contagious. But this guy actually looks like he’s attempting (however pathetically) to cut the grass. There is no hip movement involved. The shitty grass cutter decides to share his tale of woe with Twink. It seems that Midol has a crush on the house’s owner, a girl named Saria. Trying to get in her pants — another deviant trait which makes that little shitfucker less than desirable to Twink — Midol promised Saria he would mow her lawn. And I guess he meant that literally. Huh. Instead of doing the manual labor himself, he somehow coerced this unfortunate individual into the task. I’m not sure how, and I’ve decided I don’t really want to know. The grass cutter mentions that Twink is best buds with Saria — meaning she must be the green-haired girl from earlier — so he begs Twink to help him. The only thing that keeps Twink from turning him down flat is the promise of treasure hidden in these blades of grass.

Twink currently owns no cutting implements — like, say, a sword — so he decides the treasure hunting can wait. As he shamelessly steals all the healing hearts from Saria’s house, he wonders who’s been spreading rumors that he’s “close friends” with a girl. This kind of shit could ruin his reputation, so he promises himself that he will find and punish the perpetrator appropriately.

The final house in the village, labeled the House of Twins (too bad the twins are girls, Twink thinks to himself), contains enough rupees to bring Twink to his goal. Rapture! Now he can buy that sexy Dicku Shield at the store. So he does, receiving the longwinded explanation on shield use. Boooooring.

Twink is now halfway toward his goal. He didn’t receive any helpful leads on a sword from his fellow Kokiri, so he’ll have to take matters into his own hands. Out of the village’s four exits, one leads to the Dicku Tree, one leads outside to the big, scary world, one leads to the Lost Woods, and one leads to the Forest Training Center. Twink shuns the Lost Woods for now, and turns instead to the Training Center. I’m not certain why a group of treehugging children would need an area in which to train for battle, particularly when none of them own anything resembling a weapon. In order to get on with things (the Dicku Tree is getting mighty impatient after all), I’ll leave it up to you guys.

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The Training Center consists of a fenced-in area with a buttload of signs instructing Twink in various sword and targeting techniques he can’t currently use. He leaves this shit behind, entering a tiny hole in the nearby wall. Unlike Wind Wanker, the camera doesn’t point straight up Twink’s ass, instead showing us the tunnel from his point of view. Probably because of the lack of pants thing. Twink emerges in an area consisting of a square shaped corridor with a couple of offshoots. This appears to be an extension of the Training Center, since some signs continue to pass on “helpful” information that will supposedly allow Twink to avoid the giant, Indiana Jones-style boulder rolling around the corridor. As you can imagine, Twink gets flattened several times during his short visit. Some things never change.

Somewhere, Seymour’s head explodes.

A random, gigantic treasure chest sits unprotected in one of the corridor offshoots. Contrary to expectations, it does not contain a green rupee. Nope, it’s a sword. Twink breathes a sigh of relief over finding the one sword in the entire freaking forest. Then he wonders, since it’s sitting right out in the open, why not a single Kokiri seemed to know about it. Is the boulder really that scary? Saria has an unlimited supply of hearts in her house, so what’s the problem here? Twink just shakes his head a bit at this lack of logic and equips the damn Kokiri Sword. It’s not very impressive, but what choice does he have?

Yeah, that was really hidden.

Heading out of the area before he gets crushed to death, Twink takes the time to read and practice all the swordfighting lessons in the Training Center, since someone might as well use the God damn place. Once he successfully accomplishes all the different moves, he promptly forgets them in favor of swinging his sword wildly and randomly at anything within reach.

This isn’t the first time Twink’s been flat on his back.

Now that Twink finally has the tools he needs for the presumably dangerous trip to the Dicku Tree, he approaches Midol once again. The little shitlicker tries his lame old equipment spiel on Twink a second time before realizing that the boy standing before him in the hand-on-hip Squally stance has both a fine Dicku Shield and the mysteriously hidden Kokiri Sword. “GOOD GRIEF!” he screams, like there’s some sort of talent required for squeezing into a tight hole and pulling out a sword. Of course, maybe Midol is deficient in such an activity, if you know what I’m saying. It’s totally obvious that Midol sent Twink on that wild sword chase just to put him off, not expecting Twink to actually find either of the objects. Ass. “Well, even with all that stuff, a wimp is still a wimp, huh?” Midol snits, like he’s just the fucking pinnacle of masculinity the way he stands there all day and makes other people do his dirty work. “I, the great [Midol], will never accept you as one of us!” he declares, like Twink gives a shit. He’s already in good with the other Kokiri boys, especially now that he has a fairy, and he doesn’t need this tiny-peckered assnozzle.

My, how forward! Twink approves.

After these demonstrations of dickitude, Midol whines over the fact that Twink’s boyish milkshake brings both Saria and the Dicku Tree to the yard. If Midol hadn’t acted like such a douchelicker, Twink might assure him that he can freaking have Saria. Hello, Twink’s not into the ladies. But Twink now has no reason to try to make Midol feel better, so he can just sit there and feel like a pile of steaming crap for all Twink cares.

Midol finally waddles out of the way, allowing Twink access to the corridor leading to the Dicku Tree. Before he emerges into the meadow, Twink encounters a group of very confusing monsters. On the surface, they appear to be oversized, gorgeous blue flowers. Until they thrust themselves at Twink and try to eat his face. Remembering what we learned from Wind Wanker, there are two types of flowers: regular flowers, which Twink likes, and flowers that represent icky vaginas, which do all sorts of mean and nasty things to him. This would seem to indicate that these flowers are of the vaginal variety, except for the fact that they drop Dicku Sticks and Dicku Nuts when Twink defeats them. That doesn’t sound very vagina-y to me. Something must be afoot!

Twink puts his confusion on the backburner for now, realizing that he’s about to arrive extremely fucking late for his meeting with the Dicku Tree. As soon as Twink reaches one of the Dicku Tree’s impressive roots, Navi squeaks, “Great [Dicku] Tree… I’m back!” Like the Dicku Tree totally wouldn’t notice the fabulous young boy standing at his base. The camera pulls out to give us our first view of the Dicku Tree, revealing him in all his massive glory. As in Wind Wanker, he’s a big fucker, but instead of having a head growing out of his trunk, his face is set into the trunk. And he has a pornstache. I can’t even pretend he’s an innocent, platonic guardian after seeing that thing.

“O… Navi… Thou hast returned,” the Dicku Tree duhs, as if Navi hadn’t just said that. He welcomes the strapping young Twink to his lair. “Listen carefully to what I, the [Dicku] Tree, am about to tell thee…” I love how he has to clarify to Twink who he is, like Twink might think this is some other giant talking tree. Or maybe he just thinks everyone around him is retarded, since he basically pulled the same thing with Navi.

The Dicku Tree, still using his archaic form of speech, confesses that he knows all about Twink’s terrible nightmares. But not because he’s some sort of dream stalker, as I first thought. Or maybe he is, but he has a cover story. From what I can glean from his pretentious explanation, Ganondorf (though the Dicku Tree doesn’t name him explicitly) is becoming more powerful, and the strong aura of evil in the land is causing the more “sensitive” souls to have shitty dreams. Yeah, I don’t know if I buy that either — we all know that the Dicku Tree is totally watching Twink while he sleeps. “Twink… The time has come to test thy courage…” the Dicku Tree foreshadows, because — GET IT?! — Twink traditionally harbors the Triforce of Courage! See how cleverly they worked that in?

Only if ‘this task’ doesn’t involve watching the FFX pond scene.

As it turns out, an unnamed source of evil (again, Ganondorf) has not just cursed the Dicku Tree, but cursed him. The Dicku Tree has chosen Twink to “break the curse with [his] wisdom and courage.” Hey, there’s a Triforce of Wisdom, too! I totally get the reference! Unfortunately, I’m in charge of Twink, so I don’t think wisdom or courage come into play. But swinging pointy phallic objects around in front of him does. Twink wonders briefly just what kind of curse-cleansing ritual he’ll be forced to undertake with the Dicku Tree, but he doesn’t have to wonder for long. Stretching his mouth into a giant blowjob position, the Dicku Tree entreats both Twink and Navi to enter him. Ahem.

The Dicku Tree tells Navi to help Twink “learn the ropes,” if you will, and then explains the whole irritating Navi help system that I mentioned earlier: “And Twink… When Navi speaks, use [up arrow] to listen well to her words of wisdom…”

Okay, hold the freaking phone. “Her” words of wisdom?

Navi is a girl?!

Twink feels all the blood drain from his extremities. Well, if that isn’t the biggest kick in the nuts ever. After years of waiting for a fairy, the fucking Dicku Tree sends him a chick? Even that fucking Midol jerk’s fairy — hideous though it may be — has a freaking penis. No fair, no fair, no fair. Twink has second thoughts about helping the Dicku Tree, even if it means he will get a choking. Plus, with the new information that his fairy is not of his preferred gender, Twink decides that the shrillness is no longer tolerable and renames her Naggy.