Twink, not wanting to go all the way back to that God damn island, simply hands Carlov a pictograph of — what else? — Carlov. This is “breathtaking” enough for Carlov to make Twink a full-fledged member. But not before practically jizzing all over the picture of himself in a truly disturbing display of self-love. Carlov’s official announcement of Twink’s entry into the club is followed by a little heart icon, just driving home with a jackhammer the fact that this guy is queerer than a three dollar bill.
Done with the gallery for now, Twink must make his way back to the Phallus Haven grotto from the very beginning. Jesus, no wonder I have two and a half hours of footage. And he’s still not going to save Makar, who has undoubtedly been eaten and shat out by whatever boss lurks in the dungeon already. Inside the grotto, Twink flies and floats to another ledge with another door that leads to another island that Twink must fly to with the Dicku Tree Shit. So that means that there are four penis islands instead of three. My mistake. Once you get above a certain number of penises, does the exact number really matter anyway? Twink retrieves a Treasure Chart from the island — boy, am I glad I went through all that for a fucking chart — and follows the well-worn path back to the grotto.
Now it’s time to finally take care of the business at hand. Twink flies over to the ledge with the Korok and the arrow, where Rown reiterates that Twink needs to go save Makar. I’d make a snide remark, but these little guys have been watching Twink do everything but save Makar, so they probably thought he needed a reminder. As soon as Twink heads through the doorway, the camera shows us our first detailed shot of the Forbidden Penis. Sure enough, it’s one of the phallic islands, with lots of spiny penises protruding from it. A phallic cyclone circles a fifth phallic island that lies between the Phallus Haven and the Forbidden Penis. Is that a record number of penile references in one sentence? I’m sure Sam will eventually top it, so to speak.
First Twink has to fly to the closer island, then use the Dicku Tree Shit to fly into the cyclone, which, if done right, will boost Twink high enough to float to the high ledge of the Forbidden Penis. But that’s not all! Peahats — an irritating staple of Zelda games — float around the entrance, ready to hit Twink and knock him into the fucking ocean where he has to try again. The game designers appear to have found a tiny speck of mercy in their souls, as I only have to start from the previous island should Twink fall, instead of starting all the way from the Phallus Haven shaft base. So I am able to live another day instead of bludgeoning myself to death with my keyboard. Of course, stupid Twink forgets to change the course of the wind before jumping into the cyclone because he’s a huge moron, so it takes me two extra tries.
Anyway, Twink finally enters the giant Forbidden Penis. The camera shows us several important shots in order to illustrate that we’re inside the forest dungeon. It’s green inside, with lots of grass and wood and trees, large testicular seeds hanging from the ceiling, and the sound of rattling sticks. The camera also zooms in on something else that will become a very important feature of this dungeon — a vine-covered door complete with flower. The flower disappears into its bud, and then re-emerges with a juicy sound. We’ll revisit this in a moment. First Twink has to defeat an assload of ChuChus and retrieve the dungeon map.
Back to the flower. Obviously, Twink loves flowers, because he’s gay. However, this is no ordinary flower. You see, the flowers on the doors impede Twink’s progress. To put it another way, these are bad flowers. Evil flowers, if you will. And we all know what else flowers symbolize, don’t we? That’s right, vaginas. Now technically I know we’re talking about the outer female genitalia here which is properly termed the vulva (take notes fanboys, though you won’t ever need them), whereas it’s the inner part that is the vagina. However, since I am apparently dedicated to the downfall of women’s lib, I am going to continue to use the term vagina in order to spread misinformation. Plus, it goes much better with the word “penis.”
Loading ...Since Twink likes some flowers, like the ones that aren’t trying to get in his way or murder him, they can’t ALL symbolize vaginas. Because Twink is gay, and doesn’t like vaginas, you see. So I will help you all by pointing out vaginal and non-vaginal (aka Twink-approved) flowers in this dungeon. I’m just that cool.
Back on topic. The vagina flowers disappear when he approaches, so he can’t just hack into them with his sword. He has to find other ways to destroy them, usually using some sort of projectile. In this case, only male genitalia can vanquish the vagina, so Twink throws a giant nut (and by nut, I mean both “nut” and “testicle”), popping the vagina off the door.
In the next room, a Boko Baba — the plant monsters mentioned earlier — attacks Twink. Twink isn’t fast enough, so gets enveloped by the gaping flower. More symbolism, perhaps? Of course. Basically, as Sam put it to me, this entire dungeon is telling Twink that it’s okay to be gay. Because vaginas are eeeeeeeeevil. Speaking of vaginas (because it’s fun), Twink must clear another one off a nearby treasure chest using a flaming wooden stick. Seriously. He gets a Knight’s Crest as a reward for destroying yet another symbol of womanhood.
Twink ascends to the top ledge using Baba Buds and uses a bomb flower (non-vagina, except when it ends up hurting Twink) to blow up the evil vagina flower. It looks like Twink is my partner in crime when it comes to eliminating women’s rights. Goooooo, patriarchy! Anyway, now that you have the general gist of this dungeon, I’ll spare you some of the specific details. So Twink rides wooden gondolas and Boko Babas, and destroys numerous vaginas on his way through the dungeon. In one large room, he encounters a humongous flower hanging from the ceiling. But this is a helpful platform flower, so is not a vagina. Also, Twink must ride a series of moving green penises to make his way through the room.
Ride that penis, Twink!
In another room, a zillion spiny eyeball monsters attach themselves to Twink like fangirls in denial. All that to get ten lousy rupees when Twink has already reached the rupee limit for this point in the game. He feels cheap and used. Twink soon finds himself in another chamber, where giant spiny tentacles burst out of the ground, creating a maze that Twink must navigate. I was wondering when the tentacles would appear. Oh, those wacky Japanese. This is one of the biggest pain-in-the-ass rooms (literally, in Twink’s case) in the whole dungeon. But for his trouble, Twink receives the Comp-Ass and a small key.
Good thing Twink has a shield over his ass.
Twink uses the key to reach another gondola room. Here, he realizes that using the Grappling Hook on peahats nets him pretty golden feathers. Score! Maybe his accessory shop idea is back in business. He also discovers that he can knock those little bitches down by blowing them with the Dicku Tree Shit. And we all know how much Twink likes blowing stuff.
In the next room, Twink encounters a new enemy: yet another one-eyed monster. This one is a giant moth which shoots Fangirl Eyeballs out of its phallic tail. Twink makes his way to the upper branches of the room, dodging the hanging testicles which only serve to tease him. Up there, he encounters a double vagina door, with no nuts or flaming sticks to defeat them. Twink leaves them alone for now.
Eventually Twink finds his way into a mini-boss room, complete with door barred behind him. The mini-boss itself is a fabulous flaming moth, complete with sparkly dust dripping off its wings. Twink shakes off his awe and proceeds to blow the beast to kingdom come, using the Dicku Tree Shit, of course. After he removes the wings, the mini-boss is now one of the wingless moths like before, so Twink takes it down easily, the only downside being the constant Fangirl Eyeball attacks.
Twink has now earned the dungeon treasure, the boomerang. It can’t be a regular wooden boomerang. Of course not. It’s golden and shiny and curved, with silver metal details and red jewels. Perfect. With the phallic boomerang, Twink can target up to five things at once. In this instance, he practices by hitting the double switches above the door in order to unbar it. This is so easy for someone with awesome hand-eye coordination like me, and I’m sure it will only get easier when faced with an attacking enemy.
With the boomerwang gripped firmly in his hand, Twink can now return to the room with the double vagina door and take those girls out. In the next room, he is faced with a plethora of dangling testicles between him and the opposite door. Grimacing in sympathetic pain, Twink uses his boomerwang to detach the testicles from the ceiling.
The room after that reveals a gorgeous flower hanging from the ceiling. This is the hanging platform Not!Vagina from earlier. Not only is it a beautiful flower, but it’s also useful. When Twink uses his boomerwang to cut it down, it crashes through the floor, bringing Twink to a lower level.
Twink heads through a room where Fangirl Eyeballs and tentacle monsters attempt to suck him dry, and ends up on yet another flower platform. This one doubles as both platform and boat. Yup, Twink rides a flower boat. He is so gay. At least he now has a weapon with which he can easily fend off Fangirls before they get near him with their icky girl parts. Before heading out on his new ride, he finds a room where he spends the next several minutes dropping a bomb from a gondola into a hole in order to blast the vagina off the treasure chest within an important-looking enclosure. This takes more tries and hand-eye coordination than anything else in this whole stupid dungeon, and all for…..a Treasure Chart. Sometimes I feel my life just slipping away.