Okay. Story. Right before Sin made its fucked-up appearance, Zanarkand and Bevelle were fighting a war. This we already knew. Get on with it, E!M. When the Bevelle forces reached Mt. Gagazet, they heard a creepy song in the air. You’ve already guessed what song this is, given how there is basically one song in Spira. But just go with it for now. “‘Tis a song from an otherworld,” they said.” Get it?! Because the song from the beginning of the game was called “Otherworld”?! And they just used the term “otherworld”?! Anyway, the Bevellians…Bevelle-ites? Well, they turned tail and ran like a bunch of pussies. “And then, as if to pursue the retreating armies, Sin appeared!” I can only imagine how frightening that huge thing must have been to a bunch of guys who were afraid of a song. When some less wussy Bevellians climbed the mountain some time later, they found Zanarkand in ruins and everyone gone. “In its place, a multitude of the fayth had gathered on Gagazet. They were singing a song. It’s the song we now call” — wait for it — “the ‘Hymn of the Fayth.'” Well, that just came right out of the blue.

He’s not done yapping storytelling, so it’s time for Round 2 of Zanarkand Backstory. This recap is going to be a million pages long. After Sin came into existence, the people of Bevelle formulated rumors of its creation. One theory was that everyone in Zanarkand became a fayth and called Sin. And who could be responsible for this? Why, someone we’ve never heard of before! I’m just shitting you, of course it’s Yu Yevon. Who, in a remarkable turn of events is Lady Thongaladriel’s dad! The night before Zanarkand went down the shitter, Thongaladriel and her husband Zaon got their asses the hell out of the doomed city. Then, as we all know, Thongaladriel sacrificed her husband in order to kill her dad’s armor. Because all the people in Bevelle were still scared shitless of Yu Yevon, they created a bullshit religion to worship him. “I suppose it’s possible [Thongaladriel] had planned it that way from the start! A fair trade, she defeats Sin [– killing her beloved husband in the process –] in exchange for her lord father’s honor.” Of course, E!M is just pulling this theory out of his ass, but I wouldn’t put it past the game designers. I’m still confused over whether the Giant Fayth Wall is, as E!M said, being used to summon Sin or, as Bahamut Fayth explained during the dream sequence, just chilling out there in order to dream up wankers. The first explanation would make more sense, particularly since BF said in his chamber that the fayth would stop dreaming when Yu Yevon was defeated, but BF also said they weren’t summoning Sin when asked directly by Tightass during the dream sequence. …And there I go again, expecting sense from a Final Fantasy story. Somebody slap me.

The temples? Covering something up? NO!

E!M is still not finished. After expressing his opinion that the temples were responsible for covering up the entire backstory of Yu Yevon — including the existence of the guy, for all that they supposedly worship him — he launches into an explanation of the Hymn. As E!M just explained, it was the song of the Zanarkandians during the war with Bevelle. “Of course the Yevon clergy of Bevelle forbade it,” E!M continues. Now hold on. I thought the whole point of the Yevon religion was that they were kissing Yu Yevon’s ass so he wouldn’t smite them. Then why would they forbid his favorite song? I’m sure someone out there can fanwank this into making sense, but as far as I’m concerned, this whole backstory originated in some game designer’s stoned ass.

Moving on. After the song was outlawed, enemies of the Yevonites such as the Al Bhed sang it just to piss off the clergy, making it an anti-Yevon anthem. So Yevon (the religion, not the guy) fought back by reclaiming the song and making up some shit about how it was “a song sung to soothe the souls of the dead.” Their gullible followers swallowed this whole, and that’s how the Hymn became so irritatingly prevalent in Spira. Such heartwarming history Spira has.

Interestingly enough, a handful of Ronso linger around the base of the mountain, proving that Seymour’s bragging was exaggerated. Sure, according to one of the survivors, Maester Pedophile killed off a boatload of the blue beasts, but Seymour’s still a big boastful butthole.

Since I have to make up for lost time as far as building levels with Tightass (sigh), I decide to move on to item #2 on the side quest list — finding the Jecht spheres. Along the way, I can kill two birds with one stone — building levels (sigh) and capturing fiends, which I need to do in order to obtain the last of the optional aeons. I love how convoluted everything is and how you wouldn’t be able to figure half this shit out on your own. And don’t send me any e-mails bragging about how you spent fifteen gazillion hours finding all the hidden items and weapons without the use of a guide. Christ on a trampoline, that’s not something you should be proud of.

So. Jecht spheres. Let’s pretend that instead of Tightass randomly deciding to search for them, Auron was actually the one who wanted to collect the missing spheres. After all, there are some recordings he just does not want to fall into the wrong hands. Of course the game designers only show us the family-friendly spheres, but we know the truth. So let’s help Auron out, shall we?

First stop — Besaid Island. Before locating the sphere, Tightass visits with the locals to see what’s gone down since the beginning of the game. The first person he talks to, an old woman (who may or may not be one of the anti-Tightass people from earlier, bitches him out for whatever he’s done to Yuna. At least she knows whom to blame for everything that’s gone wrong. Most of the other townsfolk relate how soldiers from Bevelle came looking for Yuna, but of course no one ratted her out because she’s so beautiful and perfect and EVERYONE LOVES HER.

Roofies.

Unfortunately, Tightass runs into a familiar face in the Crusaders’ Lodge. It’s Gatta, and somehow he’s weaseled his way into a position of command. They wouldn’t even let the guy into battle in Operation Mi’ihen and suddenly he’s some big cheese here? Of course, this is Podunk, Spira, so that could be an explanation. Also, see: Shelinda. “Advance toward the shore killing every fiend you see. And don’t let your guard down when you get there!” Gatta wanks, referring to the weak-ass monsters on Besaid Island. God, these people must really suck if they have to be told how to kill those things. Just like Tightass at the beginning of the game. As if watching the little assmonkey isn’t annoying enough, Tightass has to actually engage him in conversation. Gatta talks about how it’s up to him and his troops to protect the village from Sin, which is utterly laughable, and then he starts wanksting about his inability to show his sad emotions in front of the other Crusaders. Tightass assures him that Luzzu was probably just as big of a crybaby, but managed to hide it, too. “Always a fighter, never a complaint, you know?” Tightass describes the exact opposite of himself. This cheers Gatta up a bit. He takes his leave before the Wank-o-Meter of the room can shoot up to record levels. I breathe a sigh of relief.

But you know he does anyway.

Just outside the temple, a girl hands Tightass “something mangled and slobbery” that her dog chewed up. Hee! You know you suck if a random person gives you something like that. However, it’s cooler than its outward appearance would indicate — it’s some sort of object that teaches Valefor a second overdrive. I guess because it’s the earliest aeon, it’s shitty enough to need some help.

All random errands finished, Tightass locates one of the missing Jecht spheres by the side of the temple. Auron lets him watch it, since it’s not one of the “special” spheres. In it, Auron records the Ambiguously Gay Trio’s first visit to Besaid. “Smallest heap of huts I ever seen!” Jecht complains, walking away. Braska’s enormous hat appears in front of the camera as he creams his shorts over the tiny village. On the spur of the moment, Braska orders Auron to bring Yuna to the village after Sin is defeated. “I want her to lead a life far away from this conflict.” I’m not sure what conflict that is, but it may or may not have to do with Braska’s “fallen summoner” deal. Oh, Jesus, I’m fanwanking. The truth is, it’s just one of those offhand comments that is never explained. So let’s all just accept that Bevelle sucks and Besaid rules. Auron promises to fulfill his lord’s desire. As expected, he says this in a breathy, fervent tone. Braska thanks him and calls him a “good friend.” Mm-hm. “What are you guys doin’?” Jecht calls jealously, breaking the moment. “Let’s go! I’m so hungry I could eat a shoopuf whole!” And we know his track record with shoopufs. Braska giggles as he walks over to Jecht, causing Auron to turn off the camera, presumably in a huff.

How the fuck did this random guy find out when no one knows this but Tightass and company?

Strangely, the next Jecht sphere is located on ship that goes from Besaid to Kilika. As I’m too lazy to look up the name of the ship, we’ll just call it the S.S. Manhandler. Speaking of manhandling, Auron’s lucky that this sphere, like the other one, isn’t incriminating, since it’s right out in the open on the freaking bridge of the ship. So I guess the crew just left this thing lying around where someone could trip over it.

Tightass locates the sphere in the middle of the floor, and starts it up. Jecht’s porno blues theme begins playing as we see Auron and Braska from behind, standing next to each other in sexually tense silence. Jecht informs us exactly where we are in the whole sphere continuum as he says, “After you get that aeon from Besaid…Where’re we going?” Auron turns around, looking a wee bit pissy at his romantic interlude getting interrupted, but he lays out their itinerary anyway. It appears that Besaid is the last stop on their journey, and then they’ll backtrack to Bevelle and head to Zanarkand from there. Jecht wastes time expositing that the Spiran Zanarkand is all ruins, instead of doing something useful like writing his useless son out of his will or having hot buttsex with Auron and Braska. You know, character development. Auron tries to make Jecht feel better by commenting that they don’t really know if Zanarkand is in ruins since none of the surviving guardians of the High Summoners ever said anything to anyone about anything. “It still could be your Zanarkand.” “Thanks for trying, Auron,” Jecht says, seeing right through the bullshit attempt. He shuts off the camera so that he can thank Auron a little more physically.

…And we fade back in on Jecht, seated, his back to the camera, presumably smoking a cigarette. He whines about how he thought that going on this journey would enable him to return home, probably since Braska said as much. Braska apologizes, and Jecht assures him he’s not to blame despite the aforementioned false hope that his “friend” gave him. Unlike his son, Jecht shakes off the whiny self-pity and reminds himself that he needs to keep his mind on defeating Sin. “But I will find my way back!” he insists. He’s blissfully unaware that he will be doing so as a gigantic sea monster. Jecht tilts his head back and forth for a while as the game designers waste all our time, until Braska warns him to be careful. Wha? Where in the fuck did that come from? I could understand if Jecht had said that he wanted to go jam his thumb in Sin’s butthole, but that was just out of the blue. Jecht reminds Braska that he needs to be careful. “Wouldn’t want your little girl to cry.” Again, this seems like a rather strange warning to a guy who is going to die. “Yeah, she’s a wussy little whiner,” Braska agrees. Right. Of course you know that he mentions just how strong Yuna is, just like her Al Bhed mom was before she died tragically or whatever the hell happened to her since we never fucking find that out. The camera fades out again as Jecht most likely feels depressed over how his kid is a wussy little whiner.

That’s all she wrote. But we’re not finished on the S.S. Manhandler yet! Tightass spots an old friend on the deck, if anyone could be considered a friend to Tightass, which they couldn’t. Anyway, it’s Clasko. Tightass is totally surprised to find out that the whiny chocobo lover (ew) actually followed Tightass’s advice and quit the Chocobo Knights. I’m not sure exactly how Tightass figured this out, since Clasko is still in armor and standing next to a chocobo, but surprisingly, he’s right. The chocobo squawks and wiggles its ass seductively as Clasko explains that he got a job as a chocobo breeder on the ship. So basically he watches chocobos going at it all day long. God damn it, what the fuck is up with me and these horrible mental images? Clasko practically creams himself over his love for chocobos, and I think we have crossed the bounds of appropriate human-chocobo relations. Clasko thanks Tightass profusely for helping him to realize his forbidden love for chocobos, which means that Tightass is responsible for yet another travesty.