Tightass stupidly touches the Wall of Death, causing the screen to go white. I guess he blacked out or something because he wakes up, surrounded by pyreflies, on the dock near his house in Zanarkand. When I first played this, I was ecstatic because I thought this meant that Tightass was dead. Unfortunately, the truth is not as happy or as permanent as that. But almost. The camera shows different views of the nighttime Zanarkand, and it appears that the city is untouched by Sin. So the real question is whether this is Tightass’s Zanarkand or just a bizarre dream. This will be answered in a moment. Well, sort of. Okay, not so much.
I get control of Tightass, which is really kind of pointless since there’s only one place I can go — Tightass’s stupid houseboat. Inside his one-room dwelling, the camera pans around for way too long as creepy ambient sounds play in the background. We’re supposed to get that this is all creepy and unreal and shit. In the corner, Mysterious Disappearing Kid aka Bahamut Fayth sits facing the wall. He welcomes Tightass home. I don’t even want to know. Bahamut Fayth, in an echoing voice, reminds Tightass — and us — that they met in Bevelle. Tightass responds, also in an echoing voice, that he remembers. Again, holy crap. BF also reminds Tightass that they in fact met before that. He makes this sound like a giant hidden plot twist, when in fact, we already know. Whatever, Bahamut Fayth. “I’ve known about you for a long time. A long, long time,” BF says resignedly. “I…I feel like I know you, too,” Tightass dumbasses. Jesus Christ, these people have the short term memory of an amnesia patient.
Speaking of dumbassitude, Tightass is all, “Where am I?” BF is all, “Derp! You’re in your house, moron.” The camera pans over to show a display of what I’m assuming are blitzball trophies. This nauseates me. Suddenly Wakka and Rikku appear and disappear one after the other, telling Tightass to wake up. Oh, I get it. You see, the creepy music, sudden change of location, bizarre events, and echo-y voices weren’t enough to hammer it into my skull that this is a Dream Sequence. Tightass isn’t as quick as I am (duh), as he finally figures this out. “Precisely,” BF says in response to Tightass’s sudden grasp of the situation.
Tightass goes into a hissy fit, insisting that he doesn’t have time for a nappy-nap. Au contraire, wankaire, says the fayth. “It’s not that you’re dreaming. You are a dream.”
…
Oh, I see! In every Final Fantasy game, there has to be the completely nonsensical, non-foreshadowed plot twist that comes out of left field and makes everyone go “What the fucking fuck are those crazy bastards smoking?” Folks, we’ve just reached that point. Before Tightass can go, “Whatchoo talkin’ about, Fayth?”, the little rascal goes running out the door. Sigh. This is tedious.
Okay, so I make Tightass run after him and up to the front of the ship. BF starts to tell a little story that is supposed to make this all make sense. Right. BF reminds Tightass of the long-ago war between Zanarkand and Bevelle. Because Bevelle had machina, it was able to make Zanarkand its royal bitch. “That’s why we tried to save it…if only in a memory,” BF says wistfully. Tightass, for some reason, sits on the ground and asks what happened next. The summoners and random townspeople who didn’t croak all became fayth in order to be summoned. “The summoning…you mean Sin?” Tightass says in what seems a shocking moment of insight. But no, it’s not Sin of which the young fayth speaks. Nope, the delusional folks of Zanarkand all gave their lives in order to recreate a large illusion of their fine city. “The dreams of the fayth summoned the memories of the city,” BF explains. “They summoned all the buildings, all the people who lived there.”
What this means is that Tightass and all the people he knew are all figments of the fayths’ imaginations. “And if the fayth stop dreaming…” BF begins ominously. Several artsy flashes of white screen and random shots of the dock underscore the cracked-out-ness “seriousness” of this situation. And by “seriousness” I mean “HOLY CRAP THAT MEANS TIGHTASS MAY CEASE TO EXIST!!!!!!!”
Tightass inexplicably understands the implications of this statement. “So what if I’m a dream?” he whines. “I…I like being here.” BF reminds Tightass that there are other people — real people, no less — besides him who are, quite frankly, tired of dreaming about a place that produces so many wankers. “Would you and your father…Would you let us rest?” BF asks plaintively. He goes on to explain that because Tightass and Jecht have come into contact with Sin, they have magically become something more than a dream. The explanation is interrupted by Yuna begging Tightass to wake up. Okay, it’s a dream. We get it. “Just a little more, and maybe…” BF continues. “Maybe you are the dream that will end our dreaming at last.” The White Screen of Changing Consciousness brings us back to the present after this important piece of information.
Oh, now I get it — Spira is a spiral of death!
I’d like to take a moment here and ask what the hell is going on. So the Zanarkandians decided to become fayth in order to bring back their ruined city. Okay, I get that. Well, no I don’t, but whatever. So if they brought back all the people, and everything is identical to the original Zanarkand, then why has Tightass never heard of summoners, or Sin, or Spira, or Yunalesca? Why can the actual Sin bust into the dreamworld and turn people into Not-Dreams? Why do I have to put up with Tightass if he doesn’t actually exist? NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.
Loading ...Since the game designers don’t really care about things like plot holes or sense, I don’t expect any of these questions to be answered. The moral of the story is that Drugs Are Bad, M’kay?
Back in the real world, Yuna practically shits herself with worry after Tightass awakens. He stands up, only to plop back on the ground. The game designers pick the weirdest times to animate stuff. Rikku and Lulu also express worry. I liked it better when no one gave a shit about him. But if all this concern is setting us up for the Horribly Tragic Disappearance of Tightass, then I can put up with it. For now.
Yuna wants to know what happened. Tightass blows her off (wait…yuck), only saying that he blacked out and had a dream. He takes the opportunity to make me lose my lunch by arching his back and stretching. “Nothing like a good nap! Well, I’m ready. Let’s go!” he says with false cheer. Yay, Tightass is going to die!
The party passes along the mountain path and into a cave. I am immediately attacked by a giant purple behemoth, which makes me run away like a little girl. Yikes! I guess I’m going to have to do a bit of level building in here. Not that I care, because Tightass is going to die!
On that happy note, it’s time to end the recap. Maybe the group will actually get to Zanarkand next time. Now that we’ve found out the Out of the Blue Plot Twistâ„¢, we need to cover the Endlessly and Obnoxiously Foreshadowed Plot Twists. And then maybe Tightass will die!