Now I have to do another round of Talk To Everyone, since the dialogue changes after every miniscule cut scene. Rikku is still stuck on the fact that it was her idea, like this Tightass-and-Yuna-obsessed game is ever going to let her have a moment in the spotlight. Wakka and Lulu are both stoked about this plan that may not work at all. Of course Wakka’s always stoked. After checking with Auron, who has nothing of note to contribute, and after deliberately not checking with Yuna, Tightass talks to Cid. He agrees that their Hymn idea is, indeed, a plan. How political of him. He offers his services — his airship services, you God damn sickos.
The Highbridge is all lit up on the map as a new location, all but sporting a giant blinking arrow that screams “GO HERE, ASSHOLE!!!!”, in case we forgot where we were supposed to go. And I guess I shouldn’t complain about that, since I’ve already managed to get lost once in this recap. Since there will be plenty of time later for wasting time walking around the world, I head directly toward the next plot-furthering scene in Bevelle.
The group arrives at the area where they fought Seymour back in part 16 only to find themselves face-to-face with a set of warrior monks. Said monks consult their book of Guard Clichés, and spit out, “You’ll regret showing your face here! We’ll strike you down in the name of Yevon!” Tightass tries to act all cool as he wanks, “Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, so? Guys?” To be fair, the group can easily take down these two choads, but there’s no way Tightass has anything to do with that. So his cockiness is completely uncalled for, as usual. Rikku, Tightass wannabe that she has become, is all, “Yay, let’s fight them!” But before the two warrior monks can shoot them and put me out of my misery, another of my least favorite people shows up to stop them. It’s Shelinda. Great.
One of the guards refers to Shelinda as “captain” which means that something is totally wrong with the world. The wankette orders them not to harm Yuna. “She’s no traitor! That is an evil rumor spread by the Al Bhed!” It must be so easy to just believe whatever people tell you. Rikku is all, “Bitch, what you say?!” and Shelinda explains that she heard it from Mika himself, so it must be true. So somehow, despite the fact that everyone in the damn temple has been ordered to hunt Yuna down, Shelinda has not heard about this? Well, I suppose that’s not too surprising.
As long as it keeps them occupied and away from the children, it’s all good. Hey, you were thinking it, too.
The guards are all, “DUUUUUUUH, what should we do, boss?” to which Rikku responds in a deep voice, “Stand down!” They do. Rikku takes this opportunity to find out the truth behind this “evil Al Bhed” business. “I… Truly, I do not understand it myself,” Shelinda expectedly says. “All Yevon seems to be in a state of confusion.” She relates how she was randomly appointed captain of the guard just yesterday. Auron, knowing there’s no way in hell this twit would ever be qualified for that position, snarks, “Short on believers?” Shelinda takes no notice of this insult, instead whining about the temple chaos (no, they’re not hiding IT in the temple) and the way the priests bitch at each other. She’s worried that her precious religion will fall apart, then suddenly snaps out of the wankst and proclaims, “But no. I must be the rock that stands against the swirling tides, right?” Because nothing says strength like asking people to validate your statements. But she didn’t come by this newfound strength all on her own. Nope, there was someone in Spira, someone who was a “great inspiration” to her. No one in Spira could ever learn to be strong without having been graced by the presence of this amazing human being. I won’t hold you in suspense any longer — it’s Lulu. Right. Of course Shelinda is referring to Mary Suena herself.
Even Tightass is sick of hearing about Yuna, and that’s like saying that Tifa is sick of rubbing her boobs on Cloud or Gremio is sick of looking after Young Master. He brushes Shelinda off, asking to see Maester Mika. She agrees to let them in and runs off, telling them to wait in the courtroom. Ah, the memories. Rikku futilely shrieks some more about the Al Bhed slander. Auron takes pity on her, though not the kind of pity that involves him boning her, and explains in tiny words that Mika realizes where his bread is buttered now that Yuna made it to Zanarkand. Rikku is all, “Okay!” But Lulu isn’t as easily appeased. “Just what does he think he can get away with?” she wonders. With Spira or with Yuna? Because if we’re talking about Spira, he’s already gotten away with being dead, supporting a pedophile who killed his own dad, sentencing the World’s Best Summoner to death, lying to everyone, being a hypocrite, and generally not being a nice guy. Of course, Yuna let Tightass stick his tongue down her throat, so she’ll pretty much let anyone get away with anything. Tightass wants to “teach him some manners.” Yuna agrees.
Cut to Mika standing at what looks like the main balcony of the courtroom. He’s totally freaking, “Hellooooooo! Why are you not defeating Sin now?” The camera pans up so we can see Yuna and pals standing behind him. “You have obtained the Final Aeon from Yunalesca, have you not?” Mika inquires. Tightass is all, “About that…” Yuna sighs and admits that they kicked that crazy bitch’s ass. Shocked, Mika finally turns to face them. “Summoners and guardians will be sacrificed for the Final Summoning no more!” Auron contributes bitterly. Needless to say, this darkens Mika’s mood just a tad. “You have profaned and subverted a thousand-year-old tradition?” he demands, as if the lot of them rubbed their crotches all over Lord Zaon’s statue or something. Then he goes completely apeshit over the fact that they now have no discernable means of defeating Sin. “Hey, maybe that’s not the only way! We think we’ve got another,” Tightass contributes. Yes, that’s the way to calm an old dead guy — have your most clueless guardian suggest that there might maybe perhaps be a way to beat Sin. This works about as well as you would expect. “There is no other way!” Mika shrieks.
Auron taunts him about running away, because Auron is not a nice or tactful type of guy. I like that about him. Mika rummages around his person and pulls out what every damn Yevonite must have hidden in their clothing (or lack thereof) — the Hope Hammer! “Spira has lost its only hope,” he sulks. “Destruction is inevitable.” He brings up a familiar name — Yu Yevon — and whines about how that bastard’s “spiral of death will consume [them] all.” I am not going to be inviting Mika to a party anytime soon. God, what a downer. He wanksts some more about Spira going down the crapper, causing Yuna to proclaim that it won’t — not if she, the Mary Sue Wonder Goddess can help it.
“Who is this Yu Yevon guy?” Tightass demands finally. “Oh, just some important figure that is responsible for this whole mess, but has conveniently not been mentioned during the first twenty-some hours of exposition,” Mika replies. In other words, the guy who created and now continues to maintain Sin as a gigantic and ugly piece of armor. “And the only thing that could have pierced that armor, you have destroyed!” Mika reminds them, in case they forgot about the whole Thongaladriel debacle. Mika is so wigged out over this whole thing, he spontaneously dissolves into pyreflies. One more person for the group to check off their “Important People to Kill” checklist. Wakka calls him a “Rotten son of a shoopuf” which may or may not be a very vulgar slur in Spira.
Now, let’s examine the facts here. We have a giant sea monster controlled by some badass dude who uses aeons to reconstruct said sea monster. Any dumbass could make the deduction that maybe, just maybe they should focus their efforts on the dude. None of these Einsteins figure this out, however. How do I know? Because no one says anything. And you know that if anyone, particularly Tightass, came up with an idea, they wouldn’t stay quiet about it. This becomes important in a little bit.
At that moment, Shelinda runs in and asks where the heck Mika is. Everyone is all, “Oh shit” but Auron saves the day by lying that Mika never showed up. Whew, crisis averted. Shelinda goes off to look for him, and I’m hopeful that she’ll spend the rest of her days doing so and we’ll never see her again. Suddenly, Bahamut Fayth materializes in front of Tightass. Tightass recognizes him, surprisingly, and the creepy little hooded kid invites both Tightass and Yuna to his place. Now that’s a doujinshi I never want to see.
At least buy me dinner first.
Wakka wonders who the hell they’re talking to, since for once he can’t see the hallucination. I’m wondering how he even knew that they saw someone, since Tightass said “It’s you” and Yuna said “Okay” which hardly constitutes a conversation with an invisible person. Tightass crappily lies that they weren’t talking to anyone, but Yuna ruins it by announcing that she needs to visit the temple fayth. But she says it to Auron like she’s asking his permission. “Hmph. I see,” Auron says. Was this exchange supposed to be significant? I’m all for more Auron dialogue, but that was just random.
For a moment, I am terrified that I’m going to have to backtrack through the godawful drug trip Cloister of Trials, but once again the game designers do right by me and teleport Tightass and Yuna directly to the Chamber of the Fayth. This just doubles my suspicion that I’m going to be bitten in the ass later. I don’t trust these bastards one bit.
The dome over the statue of Bahamut glows as sparkly things hail the presence of Bahamut Fayth. Although he hovers there, talking to the First Couple of Wank, his voice can clearly be heard singing the Hymn of the Fayth in the background. I guess fayth are good at multitasking or something. Also, I have an inkling that Seymour may have spent an unhealthy amount of time visiting this chamber during his time in Bevelle. I’m just sayin’.
Yuna wastes time thanking the fayth for the wondermous aeon, like he hasn’t been bestowing his same services on summoners left and right since the beginning of Sin’s reign. Tightass cuts right to the chase, wondering what was so important that they had to track all the way through the Cloister of Trials — albeit offscreen — to hear. “So, have you found a way to truly defeat Sin?” the fayth wonders. “Well…” Tightass stalls. And then I get a choice — “I think so” or “Not yet”. I choose “Not yet” because technically Tightass had nothing to do with that plan regarding the Hymn that Rikku and the others cooked up. The fayth is all, “Well, come back when you think of something.” The screen goes blank….and then comes up again as the fayth once again asks, “So, have you found a way to truly defeat Sin?” Jesus Christ. That makes the token choices in the Suikoden games look like they have a point. Why even bother to give me the choice? It’s not like I’ve had many dialogue-altering choices in this entire game, so there’s no reason for them to keep up any pretense. Maybe if I keep choosing “Not yet”, the fayth will eventually lose it and strangle Tightass to death with his own necklace. As appealing as that sounds, I know the game designers will ultimately disappoint me, so I pick the choice that yes, Tightass has thought of a plan.
Then things get even more nonsensical. The fayth prompts Tightass, “Well?” Now I have three choices: “The Hymn of the Fayth!”, “Defeat Yu Yevon!”, and “No idea…”. Now, obviously, the second one is going to be the actual right answer. But we know that Tightass did not think of that on his own, for the reasons I previously mentioned. Even the game designers know that he wouldn’t think of this on his own, or they would have just scripted it into the dialogue instead of giving me this lame, only-one-right-answer choice. So, trying to keep some consistency in this inane plot, I choose the first option. The fayth is decidedly lukewarm over this idea. As he explains, in the last ten years, Tightass’s dad may have become unable to hear the hymn. Right, just throw away all the evidence to the contrary. Tightass explains that even if it’s a lame idea, they have to try something. If they don’t go with this plan, then Tightass might have to think of an idea, and he just can’t have that. Now the fayth brown-noses the hell out of Tightass, telling him he has a “good spirit” and it’s just super of him to try to beat Sin and all. “I’m not just a dream, right?” Tightass suddenly says. “A dream?” Yuna wonders after this seemingly random outburst. Tightass puts her off with, “It’s a long story,” and like a good girl, Yuna backs down.