Yuna takes about a bazillion kajillion years to start the sending process, during which time Seymour dazedly looks around at all the pretty, pretty pyreflies. Finally, Maester Mika steps forward, ordering her to stop, because as the leader of all Spira, he of course has to turn out to be Not Such A Good Guy After All. He creepily tells her that if she sends Seymour, her friends will all be killed. Any person with half a brain would figure out that no matter what she chooses, her friends are all fucked. But this is Yuna we’re talking about, so after some more blank staring and no action whatsoever, she drops her staff.

This must be the day that the animators took a break and brought in the mailroom guys to program the next sequence. Because the animation of the staff bouncing down the stairs has to be the fakest looking animation ever. It sort of looks like the bizarre mating of a super ball and a hoverboard, the way it moves in its shitty slo-mo. And this whole part isn’t even supposed to be in slo-mo. I especially like how, when the staff finally comes to rest at Tightass’s feet, the animators bothered to animate the little hangy bell at the end, as if their attention to detail makes it all the more realistic.

Tightass looks down at the staff for about ten minutes, and then looks up at Yuna. She’s standing there with her Sad Face on as Seymour compliments her decision in a way that makes me feel unclean. Then we skip right on past all those pesky wedding vows and shit and move right on into the second most disturbing FMV ever. Even though the game designers spared us the whole wedding scene, they saw fit to leave in the God damn kiss. And they don’t just get it right the heck over with either. Oh no, they’ve got to show Seymour moving in, poonty hat at attention, grazing Yuna’s bare shoulders with his poonty nails. Rikku makes what is supposed to be a disgusted sound, but instead it comes off (heh) as more of a getting off sound. Wakka’s reaction is a blitzed-out “DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE” equivalent, and Tightass just sounds like he has to take a dump. Then, there’s the kiss. The kiss that makes me want to scrub the top layer of my epidermis off with a wire brush. It’s obvious that Seymour is way, way more into the kiss than Yuna, but that goes without saying. She even clenches her fists at her sides to show us just how not into it she is, as if the fact that the kiss has almost as little chemistry as the Squall and Rinoa kiss didn’t clue us in. His jollies had, Seymour orders the guards to kill Yuna’s guardians. Shock and awe, I say.

Now let me pause for a moment, to let this sink in: Yuna just married Seymour. Yuna just married Seymour. Yuna just married Seymour. I want to state this repeatedly because for the most part, it’s conveniently forgotten for the rest of the game. But dude.

Kinoc apologizes to Tightass, saying that this is “for Yevon,” but then Auron has to ruin everything again by asking, “Aren’t those weapons forbidden by Yevon?” When Kinoc switches his attention — and his long hard gun — to Auron, Tightass runs away like a little girl. Like there aren’t twenty other guards ready to put a cap in his ass. I am rather miffed at Auron right now, spoiling all my dreams like that, so his action figure has to go sit in the corner now. Kinoc tells Auron, “There are exceptions.” Of course there are. This is organized religion we’re talking about here. Auron just looks at Kinoc’s gun for a good long while, unafraid of death for obvious reasons. I’m also wondering at this point if he’s used to having phallic things in his face. But my musings are cut short as Yuna screams, “No!”

It turns out that Yuna has used this convenient delay to sneak away from Seymour and stand right on the edge of the tower. She threatens to throw herself over the edge unless her friends are freed. Instead of laughing in her face and going to find another underripe young maiden, Seymour complies. Tightass looks around stupidly for a few moments, and then the guardians all rush up to Yuna. Yuna tells them to get the fuck out of there, but Tightass insists that she go with them. She assures them that she’ll be fine. Seymour is all, “If you fall, you’ll die,” because as we all know, he enjoys treating her like a four-year-old. Yuna pointedly wipes her mouth, like that’s enough to get the taste of Seymour out of there, when in fact it would involve lots of mouthwash and acid. “Don’t worry. I can fly,” she dramatically tells her guardians. When Tightass looks at her like she’s just shared Wakka’s blitzbong, she says, “Believe.” She sounds like one of those over-the-top poetry readers from my college oratorio concerts. This is enough to convince Tightass.

Yuna slooooooooowly puts her hands together and tips backward over the edge. Tightass shrieks like a little girl. It’s FMV time again. As Seymour and two of his cronies look over the edge, Yuna plummets toward the ground. Suddenly, she is surrounded by bright light and fancy designs as she summons Valefor. If it took as long as usual to summon the aeon, Yuna would be in bloody pieces on the Bevellian ground. Luckily for her, it doesn’t. However, poor Valefor catches Yuna on its stomach…and chest. Yuna even gets a handful of aeon boobage. I’m sure that has introduced a whole new level of doujinshi to this already sick and sad world.

Now that we’ve gotten through the majority of the nonsensical scene, let’s look at the sequence of events again:

1) Seymour tries to kill Yuna and her guardians in Part 13.
2) Some other stuff happens.
3) Yuna threatens to kill herself if Seymour doesn’t let her friends go.
4) Seymour doesn’t want her to die, so he lets her friends go.
5) They stick around.
6) Yuna jumps anyway.

Am I the only person who notices a couple of huge inconsistencies here?

So now, Yuna has flown away with her well-endowed aeon, leaving her friends there with Seymour and his armed entourage. Oops. Conveniently, Rikku suddenly remembers that she has a pouchful of helpful items, and she throws something out, telling everyone to cover their eyes. Even though Seymour hears this warning as well, he stupidly looks down at the object. The screen fills with white light and we hear a bunch of screams. The group runs down the stairs, presumably with their hands over their eyes. The game designers only show brief flashes of their feet on the stairs, so we’ll have to use our imaginations to figure out how silly they look.

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While fleeing, Yuna’s guardians still have some time for exposition. Wakka is all impressed with Rikku’s little Al Bhed surprise, and she informs him — and us — that she used an Al Bhed flashbomb. Prepare for that to have no relevance to the rest of the story whatsoever. Tightass wants to turn back and beat the crap out of Seymour, and instead of letting him get himself killed, Kimahri tells him that Yuna wanted them to leave, so they have to leave. God damn it, Kimahri. Auron orders everyone to “break through,” but I just hear Auron make a couple of constipated sounds offscreen. Wow, that really simulated the experience of having to fight a bunch of battles.

The group figures out that Yuna is going to the Chamber of the Fayth, which is — conveniently for them — located in the very palace in which they stand. They enter a dome, after which they find themselves all alone and not being attacked. Lulu doesn’t trust this, and thinks they’re walking directly into a trap. Which they, of course, are. But because Tightass is all, “We have to find Yuna no matter what!” everyone shuts off their brains and follows him.

There must be a back way for Yuna to use to reach the Chamber of the Fayth, because the rest of them have to go down the second longest flight of stairs ever. This is made easier for me, thanks to the machina that takes them down the stairs. Wakka is shocked to find machina in the temple, despite the fact that he just witnessed the Yevon clergy using a virtual assload of machina. Whatever, Wakka.

At the bottom of the stairs, they find another machina. Wakka once again shits his pants. Auron comments, “So this is Yevon’s true face. They betray their own teachings,” as if he, too, missed the whole previous scene. I know we’re all wishing it didn’t happen, but if I have to deal with it, so do they, God damn it. Wakka hangs his head and whines about being treated like dirt, once again realizing that Yevon may not be the upstanding religion he thought it was. He’ll likely forget this concept in the next scene, if the rest of the game is any indicator.

Rikku fiddles with the machina, and a barrier opens up, allowing them to enter the Cloister of Trials. Just what I fricking needed. The previous Cloisters of Trials have followed various themes, such as fire, lightning, ice, etc. This one is apparently the drug trip Cloister of Trials. There is a moving walkway with glowing neon designs, and the pedestals magically morph into cracked-out-looking platforms for Tightass to stand on. Blinking green arrows allow me to choose a direction, and if my timing is wrong, I have to try again. And again. This is the most annoying Cloister of Trials ever.

Ooooh…look at the pretty colors………*puff, puff*

After an entertaining trip, Tightass and the others reach the Chamber of the Fayth. Or, more accurately, Tightass enters the room to find everyone else waiting for him. “Yuna?” he asks, his voice cracking as if he were 12 years old. “Inside, maybe?” Wakka suggests brilliantly. This is Tightass’s cue to play the “hero” again, and decides to break into the Chamber of the Fayth. I can’t think of any reason why interrupting Yuna’s prayer is a good idea or necessary. Instead of saying, “What the fuck are you doing, you stupid asstard?” most of the other guardians seem to be okay with this. Well, except for Wakka, but Tightass tells him to “stuff [his] taboos.” Kimahri even helps Tightass lift the heavy door, because Mr. McWankerson couldn’t even lift a sword at the beginning of the game, let alone something that is actually heavy. Unfortunately for me, I have to hear Tightass straining and grunting for several excruciating seconds before Kimahri steps in. Finally, Kimahri manages to lift the door all the way up while Tightass continues to pretend he’s helping. Kimahri nods at Tightass, and Tightass, a sickeningly smug look on his face, nods back. See, now I dislike Kimahri, too. Why is everyone being such an asshat in this scene?

Tightass enters the chamber to find Yuna in prayer. Mysterious Disappearing Kid from Part 1 hangs in midair, over a glowing dome in the floor. Tightass is all, “Derp! What’s that?” and Auron explains that it’s, duh, a fayth. The plot thickens. “They join with the summoner, and together receive the aeon,” Auron continues. It sounds kind of dirty when he puts it that way. He reiterates what we already know about fayth being imprisoned in stone. “The dead should be allowed to rest,” he says sadly. OUCH! Fucking Plot Point Mallet, hitting me in the head.

The camera pans over the glowing dome, and we see the shape of what is presumably an aeon inside. It has wings; that’s all we can tell for now. MDK zooms into Yuna’s midsection, disappearing in a burst of light. Yuna falls forward. Even though she’s been through this several times already, Tightass still thinks he needs to help. He rushes forward and cradles her in his arms. Auron, nauseated, walks out of the room. Tightass checks out Yuna’s unconscious form for a while, wondering whether or not he should take this opportunity to have his way with her. Naturally, this might be his only chance ever. Thankfully for all of us, he chooses instead to pick her up and carry her out of the room.

As the screen goes dark, Rikku warns him not to come out. Because it’s — surprise, surprise — a fucking trap. If only someone had predicted this earlier. Oh wait. There’s a close-up on Tightass and Yuna, and we discover that the game designers were so lazy, they forgot to draw the correct footwear on Yuna. Either that, or she took the time to change from high-heeled go-go boots to regular high-heeled shoes. Whoops, game designers.

A bunch of armed guards surround the group. I don’t know why Rikku thinks that Yuna and Tightass would have been safe if they stayed in the other room, but whatever. Kinoc is also there, and he informs them that they are going on trial. Auron sarcastically says, “I expect it will be a fair trial.” Kinoc responds in the same tone that it will. With that tense scene out of the way, I now get to name the new aeon, Bahamut. Because when you’re unconscious and about to go on trial, the most important thing to do is name your new fucking aeon. I keep the default name, of course.

I am prompted to save, so I’ll cut the recap off here. In the meantime, pretend that Tightass was sentenced to execution, and the sentence was carried out in an extremely painful way. Now that’s the stuff.