At this point, Pacce comes up to Tightass and asks him, “Hey, what’s ‘sacrificed’?” Why he’s asking Tightass and not, say, someone who actually looks like they have half a clue, I don’t know. I guess this is the game designers’ clumsy way of leading into the next part. Pacce explains that the Al Bhed said that the summoners were being sacrificed and they shouldn’t have to go on the pilgrimage. “Why couldn’t they trust guardians to protect the summoners?” Tightass wonders, still in his happy world of complete dumbassitude. He’s ticked off at the Al Bhed for stopping the pilgrimages. “The pilgrimages have to stop!” Rikku pipes up. “If they don’t, and they get to Zanarkand…They might defeat Sin. Yunie could…but then she…” She pauses for effect, as I gleefully anticipate what’s about to happen. “Yunie will die, you know?” Rikku finishes.

The truth is finally revealed. Rikku tearfully explains, to a background of Tragic Orchestral music and “I’m annoying, huh?”, that calling the Final Aeon will kill Yuna. She falls to her knees, sobbing. “Was I the only one who didn’t know?” Tightass wonders quietly.

I have a huge grin on my face right now.

Tightass bends down and starts shaking Rikku. He wants to know why no one told him and why he’s the only one who’s ignorant as to Yuna’s fate. I think we all know the answer to that — he’s an idiot. “We weren’t hiding it…” Wakka says. “It was just…too hard to say,” Lulu finishes. “Plus, it was kind of funny to watch you making such an ass out of yourself.” Auron says nothing, enjoying Tightass’s pain. Suddenly, Tightass shrieks like a little girl as the camera zooms out quickly.

The first person who Photoshops Auron behind him is going to face my wrath.

He falls to his knees, ass in the air, as he pounds his fists on the ground like a child throwing a tantrum. GPM stops what he’s doing to check Tightass out. Tightass starts screaming at Lulu and Wakka, demanding to know how they could let Yuna go through with this. Lulu says, “Don’t you think we tried to stop her? She follows…her heart.” How wanky. Wakka insists that Yuna knew what was going to happen when she became a summoner. “But, Wakka, that’s just totally wrong!” Rikku whines. She doesn’t think it’s right to sacrifice summoners for the sake of Spira’s happiness. Meanwhile, the other summoners in the room didn’t do their job fast enough, and the pyreflies form into fiends. Uh-oh. “But that is our choice…” GPM says. Thonga agrees. GPM melodramatically continues, “A world without Sin…That is the dream of all Yevon’s children.” He and Thonga approach the fiends in slow-mo. Again, this is supposed to be powerful and moving, but the fact that we see Thonga from the back with her ass hanging out kind of destroys the so-called “beauty” of the scene. “And we will use that power, even if it means our lives!” he finishes as Ifrit and Valefor appear to face the fiends. Okay, if you say so.

Tightass continues to sob like a little pansy. If you think I’m exaggerating for comic effect, I’m not. Then, for some reason, he runs over to Valefor, who’s just sitting there minding her own business, and starts pummeling her in the chest. I guess that’s one way to deal with your grief…if you’re a wanker. Finally, in a moment of sweet, sweet revelation, Tightass realizes just how stupid he’s been all along. “And I’ve been telling Yuna…Let’s go to Zanarkand together! Let’s beat Sin! I told her all the things we could…we could…And all along, the whole time, I didn’t know anything! But Yuna, she’d…just smile.” And then he collapses again.

Pardon me for a moment.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God, this is so awesome. Oh, the anguish. The horrible, soul-sucking anguish that Tightass is experiencing right now just makes me want to jump up and down, cheering. But then I realize how stupid I would look; a grown woman, laughing and applauding over the pain of a fictional video game character. I decide to cheer internally.

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Valefor just looks down at Tightass, going, “What the fuck?” The screen fades to white, then something horrific happens. There’s a flashback to the earlier scene where Yuna gave Tightass a quick lesson on how to smile when you feel like shit. Only now we’re supposed to “get” the whole scene in the context of Yuna dying. The only problem is, as I stated before, we already figured it out, and thus, it’s just a pointless, lame repeat of a pointless, lame scene. The only thing that allows me to get through with my stomach contents intact is that the laughter part is shown without sound. I don’t want it to sound like that makes the scene anywhere near acceptable, though. It doesn’t.

Yes, I do, actually.

Our favorite guy, Mr. Annoying, Huh?, brings us back to the present, as Tightass proclaims, “I can’t let her die! I’ll find her!” He then stands in one place as everyone else walks off. Um, yeah.

The other door in the room leads to another walkway and set of stairs. Tightass walks up the stairs and ends up inside something that looks like a high-tech control room. Cid and Rikku’s brother, who we now find out is aptly named “Brother,” run into the control room, all in a tizzy about how they only have three minutes. Well, that’s about two minutes and fifty seconds longer than Tightass would last. Tightass runs into the room, and demands to know where Yuna is. When Cid doesn’t answer because he has more important things to worry about, Tightass gets all up in his face and lifts Cid off the ground by the front of his jumpsuit. Yeah right, like Tightass could lift a guy that big. He couldn’t even lift his damn sword at the beginning of the game. “What’ll you do when you find her, eh?” Cid wonders. Tightass puts him down and explains that he didn’t know anything about what happens to summoners. Then he goes into whiny mode again. “And I told her all those things without even knowing. I’ve got to tell her. I’ve got to tell her I’m sorry!” Apparently, in Tightass’s selfish little brain, it’s all about making himself feel better. Ass.

Cid calls him on this, and says that Tightass is going to apologize and then make Yuna fight Sin (or as he pronounces it, “Shin”) anyway. “You’re all the same–let the summoner die so we can live in peace!” He then does something fantastic — he picks Tightass up and throws him across the room. Yeah! Tightass insists that he’s not going to let her die. Cid is skeptical because what in the hell can Tightass do? Tightass repeats his vow that he’s going to save Yuna. “Boy, don’t forget those words, ’cause if you do…I’m gonna make you regret it,” Cid threatens. At this point, I’m hoping that Tightass does forget those words, if only because I want to see what Cid is going to do. As long as it’s not some kind of sexual assault fanfic scenario.

After Tightass promises that he won’t forget, Cid marches over to a large transparent sphere in the center of the room. It looks all technological, with rings swirling around every which way. Tightass asks if Cid knows where Yuna is. He doesn’t, but he’s going to look for her. “Using this airship!” he finishes. An airship! Wow, they’ve never had one of those in a Final Fantasy game before! Wakka practically shits himself at the thought of being inside a giant machina. Just then, some Let’s Get the Fuck Outta Here! Music begins playing as the airship starts moving. Cid is as excited as Gremio bathing Young Master as he shouts, “Yeehaa! A flight 1000 years overdue!” in Al Bhed.

There’s an FMV of the sands parting and the airship parts spinning. The airship lifts out of the ground majestically. Or something. Brother and Cid seem somewhat surprised that the thing works. I’m sure that inspires a lot of confidence in everyone else. Cid tells Brother, “Next we use that.” Brother seems a bit sad at the prospect of using “that”, but it causes him to start singing the Hymn of the Fayth. This might seem like a mistake, seeing as how they aren’t Yevonites. Actually, there’s a reason for it, which we’ll find out at a later time. Just go with it for now. Brother’s singing voice is pretty crappy, but he’s a fucking opera singer compared to Tightass. Cid joins in singing. The camera focuses on a random Al Bhed guy for a while, for no apparent reason, and then switches over to show Rikku, looking sad. Wakka is all, “DUH…what’s going on?” “We’re…we’re going to blow up our Home,” Rikku explains, looking rather pitiful. Lulu wants to know how, and Cid gleefully tells her that they’re going to use machina. Sure enough, another FMV shows the sides of the ship lifting up to reveal a bunch of missile holes or whatever they’re called. A slew of missiles shoot out and home in on…well, Home. New school fanboys cream themselves over the impressive FMV, while old school fanboys scoff about how a small group of pixels is SOOOO much cooler than that. The place blows sky high, and the ring of fire envelops the airship. Unfortunately, Tightass isn’t burned to death — as expected, everyone makes it.

Cid laughs over the whole thing “return[ing] to sand” but Brother is huddled in the cockpit, crying all Tightass-like. His dad explains that machina can be rebuilt, so he should stop whining like a little pussy. Meanwhile, Wakka tries to console Rikku in true Wakka fashion. “Don’t get so down. Boom! Like happy festival fireworks, ya?” God, what a moron. “You can cram your happy festival, you big meanie!” Rikku retorts, stalking off. Wakka has the good grace to look ashamed.

It’s time to stop the recap, but rest assured that we’ll find out what happens to Yuna next time. I know, like you care. But I’ll give you a hint anyway: pedophile. Sweet dreams, everyone!