Everyone else whines about wanting to get a move on, except for Yuna, who is brooding in the corner. Yes, we get it, she’s still thinking about stuff. Tightass talks to Exposition!Man who is as excited as Cronabe in an endangered species reserve in regards to Yuna getting married. However, he’s sad because he thinks that she won’t be continuing her pilgrimage. Tightass informs him that Yuna is, indeed, going to defeat Sin, to which E!M responds, “Her resolve is admirable!” Well, I wouldn’t consider the resolve to marry Seymour “admirable” but we’ve already figured out that everyone in Spira is fucked up, so we’ll just move on.
Of course it wouldn’t be a conversation with E!M without some freaking exposition, this time about Macalania. Lake Macalania stays frozen all the time, even when it’s warm outside, because of the fayth at the temple. Gee, I wonder who the next aeon is going to be? The game designers have got to stop being so cryptic.
Tightass heads outside, bypassing O’aka yet again, and the group is met by Tromell Guado. Great. He says that they have been waiting for Yuna, and expresses surprise to see her this soon. Well, which one is it? He expresses that he was “pleasantly surprised” in a rather creepy way (I know — shock.) and then apologizes on behalf of Maester Pedophile for his sudden departure. Yuna has one question before she goes to meet her fate — she wants to know if Seymour will let her continue her pilgrimage. Tromell answers in the affirmative, and adds, “Lord Seymour wishes nothing else, I’m sure.” Well, obviously Seymour doesn’t care if Yuna goes off and eventually dies because she’s right on the cusp of turning eighteen, and at that point, she’s of no use to Seymour anymore. This is a no-brainer, really.
Apparently it’s Guado tradition for Yuna to meet with Seymour apart from the others, the better for him to have his way with her. Yuna turns back for a moment, saying, “I…” to which Auron responds, “We’re all with you. Do as you will.” Thanks, Auron. Yuna seems relieved by this, and continues on her merry way to get some hot Guado action. “Sorry,” Auron says sarcastically to Tightass. “That was your line.” Tightass runs after Yuna, who is now further away than should have been possible, and whistles. She turns around and says, “Yessir!” This makes no sense whatsoever.
No comment.
Just as Yuna reaches the frozen lake, Rikku screeches, “Oh no!” It’s the Al Bhed, come to kidnap Yuna, now that she’s separated from the others, with only an aged pedophile Guado to protect her. Yuna’s guardians go to kick some ass, and Tightass follows. Auron tells Tromell to get the hell out of the way. He’s all to happy to comply. As he leads Yuna away, she easily breaks free and runs back to help the others, who are surrounded by a bunch of Al Bhed who just jumped off of snowmobiles. No, I’m still not making this stuff up. Suddenly, the Al Bhed run for the hills, and a guy standing on a nearby snowdrift yells, “Rikku!” Since I cheated and loaded all the Al Bhed primers, I can understand his funny talk. This isn’t nearly as amusing as making up the dialogue, but we’ll all have to live with it. “Don’t interfere, or you get this!” the guy, who turns out to be the mohawk guy from the beginning yells. “This” refers to a giant phallic cannon that rolls over the hill, right on cue.
Someone has issues.
Mohawk Guy says that their magic and aeons are sealed, and even though Tightass technically understands Al Bhed at this point, he still needs a translation from Rikku. Dumbass. The boss battle music starts, informing us that we are indeed fighting a boss. There’s a little machina thing spastically floating around next to the big penis machina, and that’s what’s responsible for the magic sealing. Wakka is in charge of getting rid of it, and even though the thing is jerking around like Rikku on a sugar high, he manages to kick its, um, let’s just say “ass.” That’s when the magic and aeons come out. Why am I even recapping this in such detail? It’s not like this is the first such battle in any RPG ever. At one point, after the little floaty thing regenerates, the penis machina tries to shoot its mana beam (hee!) only to find itself sealed off. This makes Wakka think he’s all the shit for hating machina — because they’re so stupid. Bite me, Wakka.
Finally, the penis machina gets a big dramatic death scene, and we’re done with that battle. Tromell starts to lead Yuna off again, like the Al Bhed couldn’t just come back and kidnap her. Mohawk Guy appears again, and yells to Rikku, “I will tell Father!” Okay, so this guy is clearly her brother. Rikku responds, in Al Bhed, that she is Yuna’s guardian and will protect her. Mohawk Guy gets pissy and tells Rikku that she’s on her own. I’m sure that scares the pants off of her. And I’m sure that fanboys just got all excited about my last sentence.
Rikku repeats to the group what she just said. Wakka still doesn’t understand what’s going on — he wants to know why Rikku speaks Al Bhed. Well, DUH. Tightass tries to come up with a plausible explanation, but finally Rikku comes clean. Stop it, fanboys. She admits to Wakka that she’s an Al Bhed and that Mohawk Guy is her brother. Wakka is all pissed off that everyone knew about this and didn’t tell him. “We knew you’d be upset,” Lulu explains. “I can’t believe I’ve been traveling with an Al Bhed! A heathen!” This leads to a heated exchange between Rikku and Wakka, and not like that. Rikku denies that the Al Bhed have anything against Yevon, and Wakka replies that they use machina, and Sin was born because of people using machina. “You got proof? Show me proof!” Rikku spunkily says. Wakka lamely replies that the teachings say so, so nyah. Rikku wants people to think for themselves and not believe everything that Yevon tells them. I am inclined to agree. Thank goodness someone is speaking sense at this point. And it’s Rikku. How sad is that?
Wakka demands to know where Sin came from, if it didn’t come from machina use. Rikku doesn’t know, and Wakka thinks he’s so cool now. Rikku stands by what she says, adding that nothing will ever change if people just listen to the bullshit Yevon spews. “Nothing has to change!” Wakka wanks. Rikku thinks there may be a way to permanently stop Sin from coming back, which causes Wakka to repeat the crap about atoning for their mistakes. I bang my head against the desk. They continue until Rikku sighs, “Why do I even bother?” Why do I even bother?
Auron breaks up this little tiff by asking Rikku about the abandoned snowmobile machina. Wakka gets pissy about using the machina, asking, “Wait…Sir Auron isn’t Al Bhed too, is he?” Even Tightass is annoyed with Wakka at this point, and actually says something that makes sense. I start to suspect that Lake Macalania isn’t the only thing frozen over at this point. Tightass points out that Wakka and Rikku got along fine up to now, and that he knows Rikku’s a good person. Wakka is so baffled by this that he asks for Lulu’s opinion. “Just think of this as an opportunity to learn more about the Al Bhed.” Translation: Shut up, Wakka.
Wakka stalks off by himself, and the others watch him go, unconcerned. Rikku apologizes, because she’s a woman, to which Lulu replies that Rikku didn’t do anything wrong. Kimahri takes this opportunity to strut his stuff by flipping over an overturned snowmobile and riding off. Lulu and Rikku climb on another snowmobile, causing fanboys everywhere to whack off in their parents’ basements. Tightass is left by his sad, sad self with the last snowmobile. Thank God he isn’t sharing one with Auron.
Speaking of our favorite guardian, he rides his snowmobile next to Tightass, pondering whether or not he should run Tightass off the nearby cliff. Tightass whines, “You’re no fun to ride with at all.” Auron doesn’t give two shits what Tightass thinks, and tells him, “Just don’t do anything rash.” Tightass, unsurprisingly, is confused. “I’m saying you should not complicate matters. Or you’ll find yourself trapped, understand?” “I don’t need you to tell me that!” Tightass wanks, as if he even has half a clue what Auron is talking about. A little while later, Tightass admits that Auron makes sense. “Make mistakes,” Auron replies. “That’s what youth is for after all. Do not waste it.” “So which is it!?” Tightass whines. I laugh when I realize that Auron is just fucking with Tightass’s head. Oh, not like that. God, you people are sick.
No, all this snow means it’s fucking hot.
The group arrives at the obnoxiously long walkway that leads to the temple. Finally, after a bit of walking, they reach the temple itself. The asshole priest at the entrance won’t let Rikku in, on account of her being an evil Al Bhed. “She is a guardian,” Auron informs him, irritated. The stupid priest practically shits himself at the idea of an Al Bhed guardian. “I’ve decided to be Yuna’s guardian now, and that’s all I want,” Rikku says. “And that’s all one needs to be a guardian,” Auron finishes, pushing past the priest and entering the temple. Everyone follows, including Wakka, who stops to bow to the priest. I roll my eyes.
Since I’ve already nearly lost my lunch several times during this recap, I will forgo the meeting with Seymour until next time. I sure hope there will be a Cloister of Trials in this temple, because I’ve missed them so much. See you in Part 13!