Chrono Cross
Part 1
"I wonder what my life would be like if…"
Like every other RPG, we meet our hero, who in this case is the biggest Crono wannabe ever. Cronabe lives in a village where almost every person randomly wonders out loud about how his or her life might have turned out differently. Gee, might there possibly be an alternate universe where those questions are answered?
Part 2
"What did I say that sounded like ‘Tell me about your life’?"
Dear lord. Cronabe gets randomly attacked, and then travels to a town where everyone feels the need to share their life stories and deepest secrets. Beeyotch joins the party and gets a new nickname spelling, and Kid joins the party and gets a new nickname.
Part 3
"Crack: it’s magically delicious!"
The game just gets weirder and weirder as the plot gets slower and slower. Drop some acid* and join in the wonderful world of transvestite rock stars, multicolored octopi, bugs jumping out of holes, talking treasure chests, and evil lamps. When the plot gets sparse, I write lots of filler. Crap, I just announced my plans. (*Note: the author of this recap does not condone the use of illegal substances.)
Part 4
"Manor of Deep, Philosophical Exposition and Some Other Shit."
Cronabe and his friends spend the entire hour bumbling about Viper Manor in their dragoon get-ups. There is more exposition than you can handle, mainly exposition that you already know, and we find out the secret about Cronabe. Yes, he’s the Chrono Trigger, No, that makes no sense.
Part 5
"Save the Mary Sue! Or not."
Cronabe and the others miraculously survive their little fall, only to find themselves in the dinky village of Guldove. Steve falls ill, but instead of saving her like in every other God damn RPG, Cronabe leaves her to die. This is the best turn of events ever. It almost makes me forget about the fact that I don’t really care, nor do I know what’s going on.
Part 6
"Bones and boning."
The game designers throw more obstacles in Cronabe’s way as he tries like hell to get to Fort Dragonia. In this recap, the obstacle is a pretend ghost ship (full of gay pirates!) that gets attacked by a real ghost ship. With lots and lots of exciting random battles! What a great way to add interest and tension into this plotline! Then things get even worse as Cronabe reunites with the conveniently-healed Steve.
Part 7
"Are we there yet?"
In the seemingly neverending quest to reach Mount Pyre and Fort Dragonia, Cronabe and the others must save the fairies from the evil potato dwarves. For their efforts, they are rewarded with the Ice Breath, some blinding hatred, and a horrible wank explosion from Steve. After that, they actually make it to Mount Pyre. God damn, finally.
Part 8
"Blah blah blah."
It’s time for Cronabe to work his way through Fort Dragonia, the ultimate destination of the last several recaps. But it’s not like he can just walk through the front door to confront Lynx — nope, it has to be a clusterfuck of puzzles, switch-flipping, and boss fights. Even after Cronabe has proven his utter coolness by making it through all that, he has to face off against Lynx’s incessant yammering. Then, something important happens! Er, I think.
Part 9
"Links to the Past."
By “links,” I mean hyperlinks. By “past,” I mean past recaps. By “recaps,” I pretty much mean one recap, and it’s the one where I first visited Termina in the Other World. The reason is that in this recap, after long last, I finally get to visit the Home World version of Termina. Oh boy! Before that, Cronabe makes his way back to his Home World through a series of nonsensical events, then finds he can’t travel between worlds anymore because he’s stuck in Lynx’s body. Considering the suck factor of the Other World, I can’t say I feel all that deprived.