Okay, so Cronabe, Biotch, and Gandy broke into Viper Manor (with the help of Frank N. Furter), where they dressed as dragoons and fumbled around. Since I lack any sort of strategy guide, I’m left to my own devices in finding my way about this ungodly cracked-out place. That means you’ll get to hear a lot about me getting lost and fighting random battles against really weird shit.
The two “dragoons” and their giant pink dog head back up the stairs to find themselves in a corridor with two doors. One of the doors has an eye. Yes, an eye. Cronabe decides to go in the other door. There, he finds a harlequin sleeping while talking in a French accent. No, I’m not making this shit up. Cronabe quickly leaves the room, deciding that the door with the eye is less drug-induced than the character design of this young woman.
Unfortunately, the eye door is locked, and the end of the hallway is guarded by an all-caps-speaking (must be related to ZOAH) floating yellow robot. Cronabe wonders what was in those brownies he ate earlier. He and the others head back downstairs, getting ambushed by several evil lamps along the way. Worth noting is the fact that Cronabe and Biotch are in their normal outfits on the battle screen, but in the dragoon uniforms in regular mode. That’s got to be extremely annoying to change in and out of those clothes every time they hit a random battle.
In the room with the cage, Cronabe heads right, finding some of Steve’s handiwork in the form of severely beaten dragoons lying about. There’s another floating yellow robot guarding this hallway, leaving only one door to enter. That makes my job a lot easier. Why can’t it always be that way?
Shut up.
Inside the room, Cronabe finds Steve staring at something. Before he finds out what it is, he runs into another pair of Boxer Boys. This time, he chooses poorly, and after some taunting from our favorite talking treasure chests, he has to fight them. After wasting a minute of my life, I beat the little bastards.
After the battle, Cronabe talks to Steve, who, as it turns out, is staring at some pedestals that hold weapons and armor. She has a bug up her butt over the fact that she can’t find the Frozen Flame, and runs off to talk to “that Viper bloke.” Cronabe is smart (!) and nabs the weapons and armor. Ah, RPGs.
I take this opportunity to walk around the entire manor again. Not because I’m hopelessly stuck, but because…okay, I admit it. I suck. After exhausting all my possibilities as to where to go next, I consult a lovely thing called gamefaqs.com, where I find out I was supposed to examine the wall of the room with the weapons and armor. Geez, how could I miss that? It was so freaking obvious that I should randomly look at the wall.
Upon viewing the treasure on the wall, Gandy warns Cronabe that it’s probably a trap. Greedy Biotch is all about taking it. So Cronabe does, because he’d rather get with Biotch than a pink gay dog. Suddenly the wall moves, dumping them into the next room, where they find themselves in a cage. Crap. There are other cages with animals, presumably being tortured, and Cronabe realizes that he’s in his dreamland. Torturing animals? Sign him up! A white-clad lady with purple hair notices the new cage inhabitants. She magically realizes right away that they’re not dragoons. She lets them out.
Gandy wants to know her name and why she’s helping them. I think Gandy is not in a position to be demanding information of anyone. The woman laughs and speaks in a German accent as I wonder if everyone in this game is from somewhere in Europe. It turns out that this woman is not helping them; she’s merely using them for another one of her experiments. Cronabe immediately laments every terrible thing he’s ever done to innocent creatures, now that he’s about to be on the receiving end of that sort of treatment. Revenge is sweet.
Yes, please.
The purple-haired lady — who we now know is named Luccia (no relation to Lucca from Chrono Trigger (I think)) — does the most dastardly act imaginable: she makes Cronabe and his friends fight a really wussy monster. Wow, that’s scientific experimentation for you — you mean a guy with a freaking set of blades can defeat a couple of tiny onion monsters? NO! Said onion monsters have an attack called “weed” that appears to do absolutely nothing. But at least we know what the game designers are smoking now.
The battle against the yellow onions from hell counted as a boss battle. If only they were all that easy. “You have exceeded my expectations by defeating my Bulbs,” Luccia comments. I don’t want to examine how wrong that statement sounds, but I think it’s interesting that she thought her damn onions were all that. After that, she tells Cronabe and his pals to make like a tree and get out of there.
What a unique idea, Square.
But before they do, Cronabe decides to do a good deed for once. Walking over to the corner, he finds a cage containing something that looks like a gay Pokemon. Yes, gayer than Mr. Mime. Its name is Pip, like the kid from South Park, only this Pip is not British. Go figure — someone in this game who isn’t. Anyway, Pip randomly exposits that his “dweam” is to sail on a ship. Yes, I would have guessed that except not. Pip suggests that Cronabe open its cage so that it can escape later. Cronabe does, thinking that this will make up for all the times he randomly slaughtered cute little animals.
Right before they leave, Luccia tells them that she is “interested” in them, and that they should come back if they need her help. I note that there are two more onion monsters in the room and become extremely skeptical of her “offer.”
Cronabe exits the room, now finding himself past the yellow robot. A whole new portion of the manor has opened up. Unfortunately, it includes more doors with eyes. Cronabe isn’t quick enough, and ends up fighting one of them. It’s — you guessed it — a giant door with teeth and a big-ass eye. Its name is…Portalgheist. Oh, you clever game designers. Partway through the battle, the Portalgheist spits out a komodo dragon and Cronabe inwardly cheers, returning to his usual pastime of murdering animals.
After Cronabe vanquishes the Portalgheist and the little komodo lizard, he and the others go into a room containing two snake statues and a random guy. One of the statues is out of place, but the guy warns Cronabe not to touch anything. Do you think Cronabe listens? Of course not. Expecting some sort of great treasure, I make him push the statue into place. Immediately, some damn slimes drop from the ceiling and I have to fight some battles. Crap. Note to self: listen to random guy next time. I’m sure there’s some secret to this room, but since I’m too lazy to check GameFAQs again, I just get the hell out of there.