Fabo promises that once Makar the chosen one hears the song, he “will feel the blood of the sages within his veins.” But isn’t Makar a little wooden radish or something? Does he even have veins? Anyway. Fabo exposits a little about the Wind Wanker, mostly stuff we’ve already heard, and then says, “In those days, it was always the king who conducted for us… Please… Tell the king that I will still play…even in the next world!” Whoa. Back the truck up. I didn’t think Connery had more than a professional interest in this whole thing. No wonder he was so eager to check up on the sages! He had to find out if his little boy lollipop had been harmed by Ganondorf. Pervert.
Keep that to yourself, Seymour Connery.
Fabo disappears in a light gust of wind, leaving Twink alone to sort out who this new Wind Sage could be. Sean Connery is clearly lost in grief for his boy-toy, as he does nothing but whine about easing “poor [Fabo]’s regret.” Like anyone wants to hear about that. So he’s no help, and this problem is truly a brain-teaser…but on a pure, out-of-the-blue hunch, Twink warps to Phallus Haven. If anything else, maybe the Dicku Tree will know something about tracking down little boys. It’s his job.
Twink immediately hears sweet melodies coming from the Phallus as soon as he arrives, and realizes after looking around for a moment that the music is coming from behind a waterfall near the bottom of the island. He can tell this because there are little musical notes floating from directly behind the sheet of water. Thanks for the visual aid, game designers. To add an extra bit of convenience, there is a handy tree branch with the “Use your grappling hook here, doofus” marking. How, oh how will I get to the source of this music?! I am stupid and confused!!
Okay, I’ll stop fucking around–Twink grapples the branch and swings through the waterfall to find himself in a secret cave. Makar is in the back, by his lonesome, playing his fiddle with his penisy little bow. Holy crap, Twink has stumbled upon Makar’s private love nest! I mean, it’s pretty dank and unappealing compared to his cabana, but it does have its own drippy ambience. And mood lighting, rowr. Makar has a total bitch freakout when he realizes Twink has caught him unawares like this, but he still makes that adorable squeaky gurgly sound. Awww.
Makar explains that he’s hiding out in this cave because he only earned a couple purple Rupees for the Dicku Tree last night he’s practicing his song for next year’s festivities. “It isn’t any fun if everyone knows in advance what song I’ll play,” he says, like he couldn’t just jazz up the proceedings with a couple male strippers and a strobe light. That’s what Twink would do, anyway. When Twink explains–except not, since he’s mute–that the song is audible outside, Makar gets all sad and disappointed, which also produces the squeaky gurgly sound. He can’t not be cute. It’s just not possible.
‘Hold it lower, Twink!’
Once Makar has gone back to playing, Twink decides to impress him with his phallic instrument. I mean the Wind Wanker–I should be clearer about these things, I suppose. Makar is thrilled. “Why, is that a conductor’s baton?” he asks. “Twink! Are you a maestro?!” He is the maestro of love, baby. Makar now simply must have Twink conduct him in beautiful music, and Twink is all up on that plan, even though he knows he’s about to make Makar’s life suck. The little guy is still screaming “Conduct me!” like he’s going to die of pleasure. Twink can’t say no to that.
After a couple unsuccessful tries because I had a brain fart and forgot how to use the Wind Wanker, Twink conducts the Wind God’s Aria for Makar. Makar is all, “OMG déjà vu!” and starts to play the song for himself. The resulting hillbillyish fiddle ditty…well, to me, it doesn’t sound anything like the thing Twink just played. Admittedly I have no technical music knowledge and in fairness the “wind” instrument at Twink’s disposal produces a very different sound than Makar’s string instrument. But I still think they don’t sound at all alike. A lay person’s opinion–I really, really do not want any essays on musical composition sent to me.
As Laruto did before, Fabo appears to play along with Makar as their jammin’ little tune reaches a crescendo. Twink has this totally overwhelmed expression on his face as he’s conducting, like he can’t even fathom having this much cute male influence in the room. Following the performance Twink and Fabo stand side-by-side and bow low, which has to be the equivalent of lighting a gay Bat Signal above the island.
Oh, my.
Fabo is replaced by Makar, who is now awakened as the Wind Sage. “It is my fate to return the power to repel evil to your [Masturbator] Sword,” he repeats for us. Twink can think of a few ways Makar could stimulate the Masturbator Sword. Wink. Makar also mentions, as Sean did, easing the regrets of his ancestors. Did Fabo have blue balls or something? I don’t know how sexual deprivation could even be possible for a young gay male in Hyrule, but it’s the only explanation I can come up with.
Cut to Twink sitting in Sean Connery outside Phallus Haven, ready to return to Gale Isle. I don’t see Makar sitting side-saddle on the boat like Medli did, but eventually I spot the little Korok nestled in between the horns on Sean’s head. That is so cute and gay. I could just squee.
Squee!
Fast forward to Gale Isle. For once, ever, Sean decides to curb his desire to repeat everything and keeps his pre-temple pep talk short. He’s just all, “Use Makar, because you’ll probably have to,” and they’re on their way. I’m simultaneously relieved and annoyed. On the one hand, Sean’s tendency to repeat every fucking detail sixteen thousand times has started to grate on my leathery recapper brain. But come on–when it was Medli Sean had to go on and on and on about The Power of Teamwork™ and how Medli and Twink should protect each other and bondingcakes, but when it’s Makar, a male, he’s suddenly curt and concise? Sean must be part of Nintendo’s Evil PR Team.
Twink and Makar leave Sean and his crushing of tinhat dreams behind and walk into the cave entrance to the Wind Temple. Well, Twink walks–Makar kind of waddles and makes this tinkly noise, like a wind chime. Squee again. The tablet with the Wind God’s Aria is still there, so Makar and Twink do their thing. The Awesome Power of Music breaks the tablet and the pair enters the Wind Temple proper. Oh, fantastic! It’s another forest dungeon! In fact, in general it looks very similar to the Forbidden Penis, except that the Forbidden Penis was dark and damp, and this place–which is underground, as the Earth Temple was–has better lighting. Seriously, it makes me pretty sad to think that I regularly put more thought into game design than actual game designers.
The first room past the entrance features a few things that will become commonplace in the rooms to come. First, on the side of the room closest to Twink, there is a large metal springboard. Further north is a recessed pit with another springboard and two conspicuous mounds of earth in the center. Capping off the whole thing is a whirlwind floating above the pit at the other end of the room, blocking the door. Hey, give me a break–this stuff doesn’t really lend itself to verbal description.
First things first. Twink leaves Makar safely at the door and drops into the pit to dispense with a banshee-wailing Jizzrobe. Then, using the non-catchy Command Melody, he takes control of Makar, who tinkles down into the pit and appraises the mounds of soil. This is where Makar’s special ability comes in. I figured at first that it would have to do with his instrument, as Medli’s ability did, but sadly his specialty is not sodomizing Twink with his phallic bow. Instead, Makar can pop a seed into the soil and instantly grow an immense tree. A tree with a smiley face, for the record. Were Twink not in his Command Melody drug trance, he would get a hard-on at the very sight of this achievement. Makar sprouts a tree in each soil spot–boy, there’s some mental imagery–to make a chest appear between the trunks. Makar now goes to the other end of the room and flies upward (he sprouts a leafy propeller out of his head) to hit a switch near the north door, turning off the whirlwind.
Time for the Twinkster to do his part. Trying to ignore the thick tree trunks around him, Twink raids the chest for an orange Rupee and then approaches the springboard in the pit. He realizes now that his use of his ugly new shoes did not end at the entrance to the temple. With a sigh he hops onto the springboard and dons the boots again. This sinks the springboard. Removing the boots throws Twink a-twirlin’ into the air and back to the upper part of the room. He repeats the process on the upper springboard, and in mid-twirl he whips out the Dicku Shit and floats like a gay green cotton fluff to the south door where Makar is waiting. Cripes, if I discuss every room in this much detail this recap is never going to end.
Oh, but I’m still not out of the room. S@RGFMI!LA#UIILB;; I love this dungeon already! Twink sees with dismay that the green warp jar is back at the bottom of the pit, waiting to have its wooden top bombed off. No, I don’t mean anything untoward by that. But it can’t be as simple as dropping down there with a bomb at the ready. No, there has to be a Bone Daddy to contend with as well. Twink has never been less happy to see so many bones. But a few stout whacks with the Hammer of Recapper Revenge later, Twink has opened up the warp jar and is sailing back across the room to Makar, who must by now think Twink is a total fucking idiot for not just killing the Bone Daddy when he was down there the first time. The thought This is my new sugar daddy? has no doubt entered his mind by now.
Next room. After dispatching a couple of Armhos, Twink is confronted with a fence-like wall dividing the room, along with what appears to be a weather vane in the middle of the floor. Twink gives it the blowing of a lifetime with the Dicku Shit, causing the fence/wall to pull up and reveal the rest of the room. The rest of the room being the (barred) door and one of those annoying goddamn bladed things that zings from one side of the room to the other. Twink picks up Makar (who, natch, makes an adorable sound at the contact) and transports the little guy past the blade trap to the door. Handily enough, there are two more mounds of soil on either side of the door. Makar pops his woodies and the door unbars. I’m left wondering if the Kokiri shared this power with their Korok descendants. I don’t remember any of the Kokiri in Ocarina of Time being able to administer Tree Viagra. And even if they did have that power, what would have happened if the Kokiri, like the Zora, had evolved into something completely unlike their former selves? It’d kind of screw the pooch on getting through this place, wouldn’t it? For that matter, how would a Zora sage have navigated the Earth Temple as Medli had to at parts, since ZORA COULDN’T FLY?
If condition lasts for more than four hours, contact your Korok Doctor.
Scotch. Scotch will make me understand.
The following room is another multi-level job, with two small ledges leading to the top and a barred door. They’re too high to jump or float to, which leaves Makar to do Twink’s dirty work. On each ledge there is also a soil mound for Daddy Makar to work his magic. Bamp chicka bow bow chicka. At the top Makar plants a third tree, but oh noes! From the floor spring four goddamn motherfucking Floor Masturabors, and Twink can only watch helplessly as they drag Makar, squealing, to their prisoner fingerbanging room. Those bastards! That’s Twink’s sweet turnip ass!